The VILF deconstructed by Stacey and Stacey

(Today Stacey – Snowwhitedrifted or West Coast (WC) and Stacey East Coast (EC) take on the VILF’s we’d love to marry, hit it or just stare at and why they’re so alluring. – moon)

Goose and Maverick the Edward and Jasper of the 80s

Dear VILFS of Twilight (and other series),

In the eighties it was surfers and beach volleyball players. In the nineties it was athletes and firemen. The new millennium, however, boasts vampires as the most coveted object of desire for the female gender. Vampire sex appeal is at an all time high. I think this is partially due to the monster success of Twilight as well as some other factors.

EC Stacey: Wait. Are we getting serious here? The tweed kind of serious. Let me throw on these Kate Spade glasses. Alice approved, ya’ll. Hold on wearing an old David Letterman tee-shirt and Yoga pants, must change into designer…never mind. At least I got the glasses. Okay, Stacey (SWD) commence with your thoughts.

WC Stacey/ SWD: Many people claim that the vampire-ness of Twilight is insignificant and it’s totally a love story. Sure, the Cullens are like the passivist emo-hippies of the vamp world, but they still kick ass, nonetheless.

EC Stacey: Ha ha! I want them to wear tie dyed clothes and beads. Actually, do you think Carlisle and Esme got so sad after the Eclipse fight scene that they wanted to cry, but can’t. So they went back to Casa Carlisle and got all emo listening to Morrisey? Whoops! Got off track. Sexy vampire boys, yay!

Rob and Moz - My wildest fantasies realized! Thanks Fablife!

WC Stacey/ SWD: Morrisey, for the WIN, ha ha ha! I wouldn’t have liked it as much without the vampire aspect. You see, I have been a VILF shipper since I was a kid (duh, the Count (ECStacey: Grover, definitely Grover. Monster. Grr.) was my favorite Seasame Street character), so it was no wonder that Edward (and Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, James, hell even Aro) glamoured the pants off of me. I think this is true for a lot of women. When we break down the characteristics of a vampire, it’s no wonder we offer our necks (ok, and lady bits) willingly.

EC Stacey: Let me get this straight, Aro? I love the Michael Sheen, as much as everybody in the whole world. But Aro? If you said Alec, maybe. Even a creeptastic girl crush on Jane. I want to see that bottle of wine you are drinking. As expected, wine goggles. SWD: OK, note to self, wine in a box enhances wine goggles. If I were drinking “Bitch” wine maybe I’d go fake lesbian for Alice

What Rob's cheek bone structure looks like

WC Stacey/ SWD: Lets start with the fact that Vampires are HOT, well cold actually, but in the looks department they are always stunning. I think every actor born with incredible checkbones signs a deal with the devil to one day play a vampire. Seriously, you could grate cheese on Robs cheekbones (*note to someone, please make that as dirty as possible in the comments).

EC Stacey: Ahh…Rob’s cheekbones… Back on track. I don’t want to leave out the wolves/shifters for you wolfpackers. This might be hard to believe my friends, due to the fact I have a Sophie’s Choice type of love for both Twilight’s Edward and Vampire Diaries Damon. (And yes, I voted for BOTH of them in EW’s Sexy Beast poll. Don’t you judge me.) Originally, I loved the wolf. Seth Green’s OZ on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my first true supe love. I even married his younger twin. Of course, he’s an accountant and not a rocking guitar player, but I can pretend. SWD: I married Fletch, he has no powers. Also, have you seen Alcide and Sam on True Blood? Nice. Twilight? Jacob’s a buff baby. Okay, Paul’s hot.

WC Stacey/ SWD: So yes, Vampires and Werewolves are beautiful. See exhibit A: (slide show mildly NSFW, mostly because it’s both hands embarrassing)

100 Commented

Stephenie Meyer on a Twilight Sequel & Fangirling

Dear LTTers,

Jimmy Jillikers! Have we got something special for YOU today!

I have no idea why I used my cheeseball voice, but I was totally in the mood.

Jumping right into what Fridays are for: To bombard you EVEN MORE about our interview with Stephenie Meyer. Yes, my friends, we aren’t done yet. In fact, these clips from today are some of my favorites!

Stephenie Breaks Down Breaking Dawn

And you thought the way we butcher Twilight by adding new characters with Mexican accents, making crude remarks about a wolf & a baby, being pretty descriptive about the things we really want to do to Edward Cullen and asking the really important questions (like what really happens with Bella gets her period) was bad- just wait until you hear what Stephenie really wanted to release because of the crazy demands of the fans for the end of her series:

SM BreakingDown by letterstotwilight

Haters get back! Stephenie’s the TRUE person “disrespecting” the saga! (But we’ll keep claim on our role of disrespecting Rob, nice and slowwwwww…..)

Fangirl

That’s right, we might fangirl over Rob & Taylor (I totally just wrote “Jacob” oops) who are famous because of characters she created, but Stephenie can fangirl too! In fact…. she might call herself “2nd-hand embarrassing.” However, since I’m friends with the girl who got a picture with Rob and I myself have worn a Christian Twilight Tshirt to Wal-mart, I think we can let the creator of Twilight’s fangirl moments slide:

SM FanGirl by letterstotwilight

(Sidenote: around :15 or :16, don’t you think you’re about to hear her say she wants to see Joshua Jackson naked? Yeah…. me too!)

The Twilight SEQUEL

Yes. We threatened to photoshop Stephenie’s skirt into a pair of jorts if she didn’t answer us on the who/what/when/where/how’s of a sequel/novella/continuation of the story we love sooooo much…. and instead of telling us “Yes, I’ll write you a personal story of Edward plus you, UC, then Edward plus you, Moon” like we really wanted, she let us in on why she created Nessie (cause she wanted that baby name and therefore the nickname to go viral, giving her much to laugh about as she “tricked” moms-to-be with a fake cute name) and tells a cute story about when she went to the theater to see New Moon. Yep: Stephenie is just like you & me! She goes into movie theaters. Also has dreams where Edward Cullen is created. That’s normal:

SM Sequel by letterstotwilight

Don’t have time to listen to all the audio today? You fail at LTT fanship, but we understand. Listen to just one clip- I pulled out the New Moon story from the above audio just for you!

SM NewMoon by letterstotwilight

I love FRIDAYS!!!!!!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: In my spare time blogging much less this week, I purchased & finished MockingJay- the 3rd book in the Hunger Game series. We talked about HG with Stephenie a bit before the tapes were turned on- she’s a major fan (and quoted on the back of the book!) and was counting the days until she got to crack it open (she said she probably wouldn’t get it until a week before it’s release) So, UC approves, Moon will approve (she just finished Water for Elephants, give her a break), and Stephenie approves- you should read it too!

Read, listen & see more from our interview with Stephenie!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

90 Commented

Taylor gets a Trailer

Dear Taylor,

We were sent this story on the gossip site TMZ and just could not pass up commenting… I mean….. really?

Taylor Lautner’s Emotional Distress Over Trailer

Taylor Lautner claims he’s suffering from “emotional distress” and “annoyance” … because his RV trailer wasn’t delivered on time.

In a new lawsuit obtained by TMZ, Lautner claims he made a deal with McMahon’s RV to purchase a personal trailer for around $300,000 … a trailer he could use while shooting his new movie, “Abduction.”

According to the suit, the deal was that the trailer would be tricked out and delivered by no later than June 21 … but it wasn’t.

Lautner claims breach of contract and fraud and wants unspecified damages.

The only thing that felt appropriate to do was…. well, role play that conversation between you and your lawyer, of course:

Ring ring ring
Secretary: Hello offices of Jocoby and Meyers
Taylor: I need Jacoby pronto. Don’t put me on hold- I need him now- it’s an emergency
Secretary- Okay, Mr. Lautner, I’ll get Mr Jacoby for you. One second- he’s on the line with a Mike Welch who’s suing weight watcher (in the distance) Mr. Jacoby? it’s Taylor Lautner. Something bad must’ve happened. perhaps Chris Hansen finally had his way with him or maybe he was bitten by a wolf

paper your walls with THIS

Mr. Jacoby: Hello Taylor, how are you this fine day?
Taylor: Mr. Jacoby I need to file a suit
Mr. Jacoby: Ok Taylor, whats going on? Another rancid meat patty?
Taylor: No no, against 1800-Mobile-Home. I’m being Screwed. I’m being PLAYED. I ordered a tricked out trailer- you know- 30″ rims with five foot lifts and a cool, purple color and papered with Taylor Swift & selena Gomez wall paper
Mr. Jacoby: Mobile Home? Taylor you’re a movie star what are you doing buying manufactured homes?
Mr. Jacoby: And they make Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez wallpaper?
Taylor: Yes- children are specially printing it in a factory in China for me. It even has a bow flex 3000 in the living room. Dude, they don’t even sell the 3000 to civilians! But they made an exception after I sent them pictures of me from New Moon and Eclipse
Taylor: And don’t knock the mobile home till you’ve tried it- you don’t know what kind of conditions they expect me to live in while on set…. they use standard-issue WHITE small TRAILERS. no one would call them a home- even hurricane survivors would reject them from FEMA
Taylor: This trailer has a special fridge with a meat patty, sweet potato and protein powder dispenser- a walk in closet that can hold all 57 of my gray suits PLUS Big Daddy’s suit and polo shirt and all 920,000 of my leather jackets.
Mr. Jacoby: Well Taylor I’m sure Hurricane survivors would love even a Fema trailer or your standard issue Star Wagon but it sounds like you’ve got a case on your hands.

Mr. Jacoby: So Taylor what went wrong with the trailer? No meat patty holder? Can you not fit all the leather jackets in the closet
Taylor: You think I have a case? I’m also hoping to get some extra for emotional… what do you call it depress? duress? Distress? I mean.. I’m ANNOYED. THEY DID NOT DELIVER BY JUNE 21st as promised! It would be one thing if they’d accidentally misspell BIG PIMPING on the side with TWO M’s or something- I’d eventually heal from that horror, but I don’t Even HAVE The Pimp-Mobile misspelled to be horrified about.
Mr. Jacoby: Where are you staying between takes? In the porta potties? Because that’s definitely duress, especially after taco day
Taylor: NO Worse. I’m in a HOTEL in PITTSBURGH
Mr. Jacoby: ohhh Pittsburgh home of the Steelers eh?
Taylor: don’t REMIND ME. I’m supposed to be in a tricked out mobile home from McMahon’s RVs, but noooooooo
Mr. Jacoby: Maybe we can have them throw in some sideline tickets in the lawsuit
Taylor: They’ve beeched my contract
Mr. Jacoby: You mean Breached. What if they gave you a personal dance from the Steeler’s cheerleaders… or quarter back whatever you prefer?
Taylor: NO. They are FRAUDULENT. I want an unspecified amount of damages- I don’t know what that means, but I know that’s what all those rich celebrities ex wives get when they get divorced. I want to be like Elin Woods

Not even this will make him laugh

Mr. Jacoby: Ok Taylor maybe we should slow down… we can rent you something from Cruise America
Taylor: Explain this cruise america…..does it float? Can I take it on Lake Erie? I could work with that… there’s a duck pond behind the school where we’re filming next week…
Mr. Jacoby: Well I’m pretty sure we’d put McMahon’s RV out of business suing them for 75 billion dollars so how about we figure out a better undisclosed amount?
Taylor: 25 billion? I’m really distressed and also annoyed. If it showed up tomorrow, I wouldn’t even laugh at the picture of me & my dad on the side where my face is covered with a fish-o-filet sandwich.
Mr. Jacoby: How about a VW bus from the 70s with the camper top, a lifetime supply of Muscle Milk, a sponsorship from Yam Association of America and a new pair of those black oxfords from Payless you wear all the time? That seems like a fair amount to me’
Taylor: Can we paint “Big Pimping’ on the side? And get 35″ rims?
Mr. Jacoby: Definitely. I’ll get the local hoodlums to bring over some spray paint. 35 or maybe 16in, ya know it’s an older model- VINTAGE Taylor, Vintage

Taylor: I just really wanted McMahon’s to suffer as much as I have this summer, sleeping my nights in the Steel city alone, without Taylor or Selena on my walls, in their glow-in the dark sequined skirts
Mr. Jacoby: Well what about we “leak” this lawsuit to the team taylor folks and accidentally leave the email address of the president of McMan RV’s, their phone number and their address in the documents. Hell hath no fury like a Twilight fan scorned
Taylor: Done. We could even get the Robsten Stalker people to photograph the inside of Mr McMan’s personal trailer……that’ll teach him
Mr. Jacoby: or a Team Jacob fan trying to compete with Team Edward fans
Taylor: you don’t f*ck with a wolf
Mr. Jacoby: No you don’t. Shit just got real real for McMahons. Lord have mercy on their souls and their email servers

Shit just got real,

Mr. Jacoby (played by MOon & occasionally UC) and Taylor Lautner (played by UC & occasionally Moon)

What do you think? Did the media blow this out of proportion? Or is this a sort-of protocol thing that they followed when Taylor’s trailer really wasn’t delivered? What do you think a “Tricked-out” Taylor-trailer looks like!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

70 Commented

From here to Breaking Dawn, the timeline

*Stay tuned for a VERY IMPORTANT note from UC and Moon at the end of this post*

Dear Breaking Dawn (uno and dos),

You are quite a ways off, especially in our ADD, RIGHT NOW, twitter update, I knew it before you did, always connected obsessed world. So what are we do do for the next 2 PLUS years?!!!?!! That’s a lot of time! Houses are built, babies are conceived AND born, people meet and break up. What will happen in the world of Twilight over the next two years?

I’ve come up with a timeline for what I think the next two years in the Twilight fandom will look like…

September 2010 – Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas elope to Las Vegas and make “Ashoe” official

October 2010- Sales on Loquat costumes on regrEtsy go through the roof

November 2010 – Breaking Dawn begins filming in Vancouver and Louisiana. Louisiana considers renaming their sta Twilousiana because of the jump in tourism courtesy of crazy Twihards. They reconsider after the crazy Twihards test their police and emergency services to their limits in an effort to keep the cast somewhat safe.

December 2010 – Moon and UC celebrate 2 years of blogging about Twilight and Robert Pattinson

-100 Monkeys, Sam Brady (typo and it stays!), Bobby Long, Marcus Foster, Kiowa Gordan and his band Touche, Tinsel Korey and Mike Welch on vocals and Sage come together in whatever town Breaking Dawn is filming in for a special Christmas benefit concert. Before the cops bust in and arrest them for noise complaints they all gather on stage and sing “We are the Rob.”

January 2011 – Moon and UC sue 100 Monkeys, Sam Bradley, Bobby Long, Marcus Foster, Kiowa Gordan and his band Touche, Tinsel Korey, Mike Welch and Sage for stealing their hit song “We are the Rob.”

MMMMmmmm doughnuts!!

- Robsten breaks up, on set, over an argument about a flannel shirt and a jelly doughnut
- Robsten reunites 3 days later over a French Cruller in craft services

Follow the cut for the rest of the timeline and to read our VERY IMPORTANT note
Continue…

151 Commented

Open Weekend Post: Vampires Suck (or some people think)

The movie Vampires Suck opened this week & Luludee sent us a letter about it just in time!

Dear Twilight,

Imagine the sound effects for THIS bling!

Let me be the first to congratulate you! Or maybe I should be the first to say “Bummer dude.”

Either way, I think we can officially say that you’ve finally made it. No, you haven’t received any Academy Award nominations, nor have you received any “worst movie ever” nominations, at least not that I’m aware. No, something else altogether has happened. You’ve managed to garner enough attention, thanks to all your adoring fans, that civilians have finally taken notice of all the money to be made off of you of your greatness and decided to make you your very own spoof movie.

If this were a just world, Vampires Suck would be directed by Mel Brooks, or at least have the involvement of the Wayans Bros. or Anna Faris. Think of it, you could have gone down in history with the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein, Scream and even
Star Wars! But alas, we live in a world where aging drunken frat boys take care of their younger “brothers”, so unfortunately for
us, this gem comes from the defunct line of fill-in-the-blank [spoof] Movie.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

I dunno, I’m feeling a bit torn. I mean, let’s be real here. We all come to this blog daily to make fun of you. Hell, if we pooled all our talents, we could have written a smash spoof of you. But we would do it out of love. This movie was defs made by and for some resentful husbands. Are those random women in red bikinis supposed to be some kind of objectification lesson? Nice try guys.

 

Ladies (or Bella) you're in for a real teat, I mean treat!

My guess is that the trailer has the highlights of the movie. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look funny at all. Admittedly, I chuckled at a few parts – the segway, and the wolfpack raining men in particular; and I saw a clip on tv (that I couldn’t find online) where Jacob sees a cat and chases it. When I did a Google Image Search of the movie, I happened upon a picture of Edward sparkling/blinging, and a half-man, half-wolf version of Jake and noticed that they even included extra nipples. I checked out the IMDB page and I cracked a smile at the change of ‘Cullen’ to ‘Sullen’. A Ken Jeong appearance almost gives me a glimmer of hope. And maybe it’s just me, but spoof-Jasper actually looks menacing at about 0:21. (Spoof-Alice looks scary at 0:14 but for completely different reasons….poor girl.)

And you thought Michael Sheen was scary...

Let’s look on the bright side. We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and it could be said that nothing marks
your presence in the annals of film history like your very own spoof movie. Just as Nirvana knew they’d hit the big time when Weird Al parodied “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, so too can you finally rest assured of your success.

Does this mean I will be seeing this movie?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe as a rental.

Don’t judge me.

Laughing at you but loving you just the same,
Luludee

P.S. Does Summit know about this? Will there be an epic Studio-Showdown over copyright infringement? If so, can you get me box seats?

So..!? What do you think? Will you see it? Have you seen it? I know one friend who has and she said it was pretty funny. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see it because of this and this alone:

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

58 Commented