Introducing Moon & UC Grade something. It’s just like Breaking-it Down Vanity Fair Style, but just with us. Sometimes The Quad is busy & this is just easier. Today we grade the New Moon Trailer. Oh, you haven’t seen it? Clearly you’re not a real fan, but we’ll let it slide. Check it out then let us know if you agree with our grade scale:
UC & Moon
Here’s a fun game. See if you can count how many times we say “Dude”
Moon: Wanna break down the trailer, right now?
UC: Yes. This feels so forced. Like we scheduled sex. 6/1/09 9:00 pm SEX
Moon: Let me close the door (sounds like we’re doing something dirrrrty)
UC: dude i’m drunk. Okay I’m reading. i mean. i’m ready
Moon: one second let me enlarge this sucker
UC: that’s what she said
Edward & Bella
Moon: ok so he says “you’re my only reason to stay.. alive.. IF thats what i am”
UC: The husband just said “such predictable dialogue” Um, no commentary from you, thank you very much
Moon: it’s stephenie meyer- everything is predictable. So…what Edward says doesnt even make sense
UC: “you’re my only reason to stay alive..if that’s what i am.” What does that mean!?
UC: WHEN is that part?
Moon: It’s in the cullen house. Before the bday party?? Maybe after? Either way that line makes no sense, but he could speak pig latin and i’d listen
UC: “ihay ovelay youhay obray.” It’s kinda sexy.. the way she’s all up on his chest.. with her hand. I’m kinda turned on right now. DAMNIT 3rd glass of wine
Moon: he could be like “i farted cause i ate a bean buritto” and i’d be like WOW- profound
Moon: ok not really but ya know. It’s like when someone speaks a different langauge than you and it sounds hot even if they’re asking where the bathroom is. He’s working THAT
UC: He totally is. He’s working that sexy, drool-worthy voice that you know he doens’t have in real life. In between takes he was totally burping Kristen’s name
The Party (:31)
Moon: we need to break down the outfits
UC: first impression: House..l.. um YES… major win over the last house, which i loved
Moon: yea i LOVED the last house. I want to MARRY the last house
UC: House= win. so romantic. I so hope that the hubby does that exact thing for our annivesary celebration tonight.
Moon: the two houses don’t look like they go together
UC: i want to marry THIS house. They’re diff houses, but I love them both. This is an upgrade. Let’s discuss the coloring. It’s great. I wasn’t against the blue. I liked the blue. It was depressing, rainy. I thought it was nice, but the warm golden colors? I like
Moon: The blue color was dreary twilight, and I think the change to warn tones reflects the change to the wolves and earthy shiz like the quilutes. LOVE the new look
UC: Um Alice= my bff. She shoulda worn THAT Sunday night to MTV cuz it’s major win. Also notice NO showing of Nikki/Rosalie except for one bitch-face moment that I’m about to screen cap
Moon: No joke, Ash’s wig is better than her bouffant from last night
Moon: Rose looks hot for once and not like she fell out of a TJ Max sale rack like she did in Twilight.
UC: right. Ross Black Friday special
Moon: seriouisly lest we forget her ACID wash jeans
UC: she goes well with uncle jesse
UC: Esme? Uh, make me a vamp now and make her my mama
Moon: Esme will always be hot and timeless. NEED that dress
UC: WILL BUY that dress on ebay. For $7,000 if I have to. Will fight over any Twimom to get it.
UC: so far I’m in love with Chris Weitz. Can we discuss the manly sound we hear “Alice that cake could feed 50. you guys don’t even eat”
UC: It’s like Kristen said “damn, it’s 3am, i don’t give a F*ck… i’m gonna sound like it’s 3am. Or like I ate a frog.”
Moon: uh JASPER- aka: Mr Rogers cardigan and a poodle wig
UC: SO nasty! Seriously. Almost as bad as sweat fest 2009 at the khyber in philly
Moon: he’s all top heavy with that hair, makes him look like a pinhead. I’m so sad and underwhelmed. Sweatfest was better
The dramatic, small flesh wound (:43)
Moon: Jasper running is ridiculous! totes diff than how i imagined it but awesome
UC: poor piano
Moon: next time i get a papercut im going to fling whatever it is im holding in the air. totally dramatic “OW PAPERCUT!”
UC: Yes! Then throw someone on the piano! And ruin it. Even though it’s an antique from the 1800s that Bach played in the 1600. F*ck it. Who cares.
Moon: thats how you react to small flesh wounds
UC: Caust it’s a MUCH bigger deal than Bella getting her period
Moon: dude you can totally see the harness and wires on jasper/stunt double. It’s all rumbled and a big square thing on his back
UC: Rush job!
Moon: yes definite rush job
UC: Insert note from the Hubby “how many times do you think you’re gonna watch that clip? You probably should a bunch more. You don’t want to miss any foreshadowing or symbolism” (this is where I get my wonderful sarcasm)
See where Bella gets sad and Chris Hansen comes after us, after the jump
In the Woods (:57)
UC: Seriously… Kristen.. in the woods? equals Sophia Bush. I wanna hug her and ask if she’s healed from her 3 month marriage to Chad Michael Murray. And also ask how the freak their show is still on TV when The OC was canceled years ago
Moon: It’s like the bad break up- he can’t even look at her, he’s delivering the “its not you it’s me” speech to the forest floor
UC: she’s wearing TONS of make up in that field
Moon: I would run after him and attach myself to his leg. You don’t let Edward walk away
UC: no you hold on tight. You hump it if you have to. Silly little Bella
Moon: DUH. Obviously shes 18 and doesn’t know the ways of the world
UC: Leave it to us experienced woman
Moon: Throw yourself at him and don’t let go
UC: There isn’t a man in this world who has run away from me without getting his leg humped while trying
Moon: like if you ever saw Rob in real life, you grab something and HOLD ON
(thats what she said)
Moon: ok laurent??
UC: Eyes! So much better. And freaky
Moon: Dude! They totally let her hair look all shabby. He is SO toe up in this, like he’s been out in the woods too long
Moon: like TORE UP… it’s ghettttooo speak
UC: you’re so gangsta. like eminem. white gangsta. balls in ya faace
Moon: fo sho homie
UC: I have nothing more to say about Laurant. He dies and i don’t give a shizz
Moon: I want to wear his wig on my next jamaican vacay
UC: I want to buy pot from him on my next jamaican vacay. Dude, I was walking down the street in Philly, and I saw a rastafarian guy. I said to the hubby, “if i wanted pot…. could I ask him?”
Moon: totally Laurent!
UC: and he said.. “UC… you’re so judgemental” cuz he had a sign about Jesus
whoops. He was a Jesus-stafarian
Moon: Everyone knows that guy in their town!
UC: well, this one was saved. Probably off an old Carmen video
Chris Hansen? Is that you? (1:25)
Moon: Moving on. Let’s get arrested
UC: Okay, arrested time
Moon: I mean the drop-out-of-the-tree-move had EVERYONE screaming at my house on sunday
UC: and by ‘everyone’ you mean just you and our friend ‘his one and only?’
Moon: my HUGE PARTY of people flipped out. Jake looks like the nerd who left for summer vacay a wimp and came back in the fall all ripped
UC: I know! THAT guy
Moon: and you’re like “DUDE who’s the NEW KID??”
UC: I remember that guy. I held that guy’s hand on a fall field trip. It was sweaty. Sad
UC: I love the growling at the end. LOVE it. Reminds me of my kitty. He purrs like that
Moon: I’m still on the pedofile part. Him jumping over the railing is hot, and I said it and i don’t cxare
UC: so ripped. Hubby said he is clearly on roids
Moon: jump over MY railing
UC: do it. Jump over it, Taylor. Moon can handle you. She’s tall
UC: I <3 cats, and the wolf reminds me of a cat
Moon: Though from totally different animal familes
UC: i want to snuggle it
Moon: DUDE the wolf RULES, and this is SOOO a first version too
UC: it’ll get SO much better!
Moon: can you imagine the pack?! it’s gonna rule
UC: On dang! All that hottness. All those shirts off? Edward WHO?
Moon: Dude the clothes ripping off, the phasing. Again, Chris Weitz, I pledge me and rob’s unborn child to you: Christopher Moon Pattinson
UC: Again.. Chris Weitz? Marry me? Even though you kinda look likke an Oregon mountain man and that’s totally not my thang.
Moon: dude i so have a thing for chris weitz
UC: really? like in real life? Or in this fake virtual life where I call you Moon and we pretend to be fan girls (fine we pretend that we’re pretending but we’re really not) Moon: I don’t know what it is… the scarves, the jackets, the longish hair. the yelling of ACTION
UC: Always like a guy in charge of the action
UC: He seems great. Not at all annoyed by the paps. Takes the boys out for lunch-
buys them tuna melts and cokes. Doesn’t get into drama with his cast… not talking about how’s stickin’ who
Moon: doesn’t care or WANT TO know if anyones shacking up with anyone
UC: right. Dorky wolf is doing it with another wolf? who cares!
Moon: uh can november come quick enough?!
UC: Moon & UC grade the trailer:
Moon: A+ NO A
UC: Yeah, A
Moon: (no plus because of the poodle hair)
UC: A+ will be when the wolfpack arrives. Right. Fail on the poodle hair, and also on Edward not making sense.