Today is Speculation Wednesday which is just like Speculation Thursday but on a Wednesday. I know, I’m brilliant. We’re gonna speculate about a few things today. And all of these things will lead to one big speculation. It’s gonna rule:
Dear Michael Oregano,
I did some research about you. I found a fan site so I could be better informed. First off, you were in Almost Famous and on Will & Grace? Dude! I just thought you were a guy that dated Kristen- maybe her next door neighbor or something! Turns out you really are an actor- I thought you just said that so you could feel cooler next to Robert Pattinson.
Anyway, your fan site isn’t updated as much as some other sites out there (say, any one of the gazillion Rob sites!), but I found no evidence to suggest you are currently off filming a moving picture anywhere. I also checked out IMDB and it looks like from the 4 things you’ve done with your life since 2007, 2 are completed and 2 are in post-production. This evidence brings me to conclude that you are at home, in LA. So…
- Why weren’t you at the MTV awards? Did you hear your girlfriend was up for a few things? In fact… she won.
- Why didn’t you join Rob, Kristen & 3 others for dinner after the MTV awards if you were told to stay away by Summit and/or Kristen’s management?
- Why did Kristen supposedly stay at a hotel the night of the MTV awards when she could’ve stayed at your place, instead of a hotel or driving home to the valley?
In fact…. where are you? Why has there been no sign of you since those pictures surfaced of you and Kristen happily skipping down the street, holding hands in Vancity?
I’m gonna speculate that the rumors are true and you and Kristen are no longer together.
Dear Nikki Reed,
I’m concerned. Where were you Sunday night? How in the world was Mike Newton at the MTV awards to accept the award for best picture and Rosalie Hale wasn’t? Were you off pretending to be in college somewhere? I, too, preformed some research on you and found no evidence to suggest that you are off filming anywhere. Being the Los Angeles resident you are, you should have been there.
All this confusion over Sunday night is forcing me to admit something I haven’t wanted to… Because by admitting this, I might as well shoot Moon & myself in the feet. It discredits us. It truly does. You see, for so long we have shared with the world, no PROVED to the world that you and Kristen are fake lesbians. But I am now being forced to speculate that you and Kristen are not only no longer fake lesbians, but you’re no longer even friends. Moon & I might as well pack up our computers and call it quits right now.
The sudden appearance of your new bff from that band Sage and the Dills arosed my suspicions long ago. But the lack of hand-holding, “we’re just friends,” googly-eyed (possible nipple tweeking) photos emerging of you and Kristen has forced me to speculate that your friendship with Kristen has ended.
All this speculation must be leading to something, right? Of course. Find out after the jump!
Dear Rob & Kristen,
Okay. Fine. You win. I already said that Oregano is out of the picture. I broke the news about the broken fake-lesbian relationship between you & Nikki, Kristen. What more do you want? Do I actually have to say it? Outloud!? Fine.
I speculate, sadly, not-wilingly and broken-heartedly, that Rob & Kristen are together
And I’m not just talking like I did before when I was 93.7% sure you were banging. This time I’m 97.586% sure you’re in a full-blown relationship. Flowers and all Don’t brush your teeth before morning sex and all (let’s be honest- Rob isn’t a flowers kinda guy)
Those rumors about you at the same hotel really shook me this time. First of all, I saw the paps pictures the next morning. I spied a peek-a-boo Kristen through the car window. You were really there. Secondly, this wasn’t your $79/night Holiday Inn Express off the freeway. This was The Charlie Hotel which features 14 bungalows. BUNGALOWS. Not Rooms. Cute, little houses for making love. I bet you put that popcorn trophy from MTV to good use, didn’t you?
So this is it. This is me admitting that the Robsten-ers might actually be right. There is still 2.314% of me that thinks maybe you just rented a private bungalow because you’ve taken up Hinduism and you are wanting to feel closer to your faith by staying in a “bengal style home” (thanks to the Bungalow page on Wikipedia), or maybe you were both wanting to get in better shape for Eclipse so you rented out a place with enough space & your committment to your bodies is so great that you worked out all night. Perhaps you even invited Michael and Nikki over to “talk” and work out all the problems between the four of you. 2.314% of me believes one of these reasons. But the rest of me? The rest is sadly, irrevocably, unconditionally admitting you’re together. It’s over. Well, it’s over until you go Ryan Gosling-Rachel McAdams on us. Then I’ll find happiness again.
PS: Mike & Nik: now that you’re both “free,” ever think of becoming Nik-Regano?
PPS: It’s so fun to use “irrevocably” and “unconditionally” in places it doesn’t make sense. I can see why Stephanie Meyer did it so often!