Dear Kristen and Rob-
Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.
If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:
Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.
Enter into the court room the Evidence…
01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.
Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)
A few days later we get our next piece of evidence…
02. Kristen wearing Oregano’s shirt – If Kristen and Rob are together WHY would you wear the shirt of your EX boyfriend whom has either dumped you, you dumped or you have cheated on? When I think about break ups, if I dumped someone or I cheated on them WHY would I ever want to wear their shirt again? The ONLY reason you’d wear that shirt is because you want them back or you miss them. And WHY would you want them back or you missed them?
03. Kristen and Michael are NOT together anymore – I’m almost 200% sure that you, Kristen and Oregano are NOT together anymore because: Oregano has NOT been seen with Kristen since late April when theses pics were taken nor since she has been home in LA for over a week. Oregano is NOT listed as filming anything on IMDB rendering him out of town. This leads me to believe there was lame 19 year old drama and either he broke up with her or she broke up with him. I’m leaning towards the former BECAUSE Kristen has not been seen with Nikki Reed either since around the same time. We know that Oregano and Nikki have been friends since Lords of Dogtown and this is how Nikki probably became friends with Kristen, through the Oregano connection. So, Nikki of course feels torn but ultimately can’t be BFF with KStew because of the friendship with Oregano.
Or even worse Nikki and Oregano have had biblical relations and completely broke Kristen’s heart. THUS leaving Kristen alone and with no super close friends. So who does she have to turn to? Who’s close by and willing to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on in Vancouver and Italy? That’s right, her trusty costar Robert Pattinson.
Bada Bing, Bada Boom
It’s at this point in the scenario when I start to feel really bad for you, Kstew: your boy dumped your ass, and that hussy Nikki Reed may be boinking your boyfriend and is, for good reason, no longer your BFF. You lost your boyfriend AND your best friend. This is SO messed up!
Now the court calls to the stand witnesses and costars: Peter Facinelli, Kellan Lutz and director Catherine Hardwicke
04. None of your costars or friends think it’s true…
Peter, may I call you that? Please explain to Ms Chelsea Handler (I love you Chelsea!) if Rob and Kristen are together or not…
Thank you Peter, no further questions.
Next to the stand, Kellan Lutz… please let us know what’s happening between Kristen and Rob, in your own words…
Thank you Kellan, no further questions. Oh and meet me after court for our personal bible study.
Next the court calls to the stand the cougar-iest cougar of them all… director Cathy Hardwicke.
Money… sex… Money… sex… CAT, why don’t you tell us about Rob and Kristen dating…
“People love to talk, so let them have fun talking,” Catherine Hardwicke said. “I think they have an interesting, wonderful connection, so you know…What does dating mean? I don’t know. I couldn’t say.”
Ah yes, most eloquently put Cathy… you are dismissed and please hands off the bailiff as you exit the stand. Thank you!
And for our final witness the court calls Mr. Robert Thomas Pattinson to the stand
05. Rob and his BFF and boyfriend for life have a heart-to-heart
*Blank wild eyed stare* SILENCE *Rob and Judge Meyer clear their throat* Oh uh… yes… uh well hello Mr. I mean uh Ron, uh ROB! Uh why don’t you fuck tell me… uh tell the jury what you were overheard telling your friend Tom Sturridge this week in New York City… *faints*
“I need to stay away from women born after 1988…” And Moon is the girl of my dreams!
Thank you Rob, no further questions and here’s my house key
06. Rob and Kristen have not been seen or photographed together since the “Morning After” The Charlie incident - Kristen has been photographed every day since The Charlie except for Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. All other days she has been seen out and about preparing for her Joan Jett role, getting her hairs cut and being the DD and taking an underage Dakota to a Hollywood party.
Now I beg the court to throw out this random evidence on grounds of complete absurdity or a total lie:
- Gray tshirt: seriously? Every hipster girl AND guy has a gray tshirt with a pocket. DISMISSED!
- Delicious vinyl tshirt? DEBUNKED by Twicrack! Besides it’s like 5 sizes too small to fit them both. Dismissed!
- Emma Watson interview? DEBUKED! By Emma herself and her people. DISMISSED!
Ladies and Unicorns of the jury… from gray shirts to rendezvous’s at the Charlie to losing your best friend, the story of Robsten has more twists and turns than Alice and Jasper on the dance floor at the prom. But as you can see, I’ve laid out the evidence carefully and walked through each scenario to show you that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart simply cannot be together! And honestly I feel as though Kristen and Rob are the type of people who wouldn’t give two craps if anyone knew that they were together. If they were together, they’d be together: no hiding, no secret hotels. Also do not believe the lie about the big bad monster Summit keeping them apart. You KNOW they are eating this up with a spoon, the more people talk and speculate the more their movies get press. Why wouldn’t they want the art imitates life angle with a real life Edward and Bella? The evidence speaks for itself and the truth will no longer be silenced! I ASK YOU, JURY, TO FIND THESE PEOPLE INNOCENT! Innocent of being friends with benefits and nothing more!
The prosecution rests…
Case Closed! (click that!!)
So how will YOU the jury vote? Together or not?
PS Thanks for all the help from my bipartisan team of researchers: Calli, Kristin and UC
Not a Robsten believer either? Join the Non Robsten topic on The Forum!
Don’t miss out on UC and I being rendered speechless over at LTR
*I know next to zilch about the legal/court system so please excuse any errors in my attempt at hilarity*