I was devastated when I found out you won’t be going on the Twilight Cruise in August of 2010. Seriously. Devastated. I actually said out loud, “Aww shucks!” It’s not going to be the same without you there peeling shrimp with me at the midnight seafood buffet. And who will I do the macarena with now, and how am I going to find a new duet partner to sing Islands in the Stream with me during late night karaoke? And I was planning on dressing as Rosalie during the Twilight-Prom themed “formal night” and going to ask you to dress up as Emmett so we could grind together to Paramore songs.
But now, who’s gonna judge the “Twilight t-shirt, wet-t-shirt” contest and what about leading prayer the morning after the wet t-shirt contest when we regret the fornicating we did that evening after I won? And in the off chance that the ship starts to sink, you were my #1 choice to lead us in singing our favorite hymns as we plunge into the icy waters. Who’s gonna fill your shoes now!? Alex Meraz? Humph- it’s clear that he does not have the same commitment to his spiritual life that you do. Have you seen his shirtless pictures? Completely man-whorish. At least with your shirtless pictures it’s clear you’re just trying to teach the children the story of how Adam was put here on this earth by God in a perfect form- naked and unashamed. You are truly a Biblical example.
Obviously Alex Meraz is a last-resort choice and no one will come close to you, but I do have some suggestions for the Twilight Cruise planners for who might come in at a close second. #1: The person who cleaned the trailers on the set(s). Now that person would be interesting to talk to. What did they find? What did Rob eat? Did they come across any condoms? What were the results of the DNA test they ran (obviously) after picking up the used condoms? This would be a perfect session to hold in the grand ballroom on Day 1 of the cruise. #2 That waitress (Cora) from the diner, Ayanna Berkshire. What an interesting choice she would be to lead a discussion on the why’s and how’s she went about the line “Buttcrack Santa?” Quick teaser from my list of Top 10 things I want to ask Ayanna Berkshire: “How many times did you have to do the scene where you said “The boys wanna know” since you were talking about the oldest looking lumberjack grandpas on the planet? Ha! “The Boys…” good one.”
While your place will never be filled completely, I believe either one of these options gets us closer to the magic that would have happened with the infamous Kellan Lutz, womanizer, lover of all sorts of Twilight fans- short ones, tall ones, hot ones, fat ones, skinny ones, pretty ones, hot ones, not pretty ones, old ones, young ones, hot ones- on board. I just really need to express my deep disappointment that you won’t be there. Because you, Kellan Lutz, lover of Twilight fans, lover of shirtless pictures, lover of talking about your small role in the Twilight saga, would be an incredible addition to a boat full of thousands of twi-hards, floating at sea for a full seven days never giving you a moments peace from their demands to sign their paperback books, posters of Rob, twilight chuck taylors & breasts.
My heart will go on,
*Little Tip from UC & Moon, gals who would never ever in a million years subject ourselves to the 2nd-hand embarrassment of a Twilight cruise, don’t book your tickets now. They say Ashley & Alex are committed- and they are, but only until they have a conflict with another film. Which they will. It’s so far in advance. Plus, it’s not going to sell out. (Oh my gosh… if a Twilight Cruise sells out….. I am really ashamed to be a fan….)
And check out what Moon has for us & Robbie on LTR