New Moon premiering in Knoxville, TN

Knoxville1Dear City of Knoxville, TN,

Are you ready? Do you think you can handle the swarm of girls that will be lining up at your doors weeks in advance? Are your Motel 6’s all paid up on their electric bills so they can Keep the lights on for everyone rolling into town? Do you even have any idea what the hell I’m talking about? Oh. Let me start over. Apparently New Moon is premiering in your town. Are you prepared?

I know the article only mentions the movie showing early for a charity event, but already plans are set in motion. Blogs have commented on how odd the choice of Knoxville is (no offense) over Los Angeles but have praised the cast for going somewhere a little less flashy. Airline’s customer service lines have been busy all week with Twihards trying to change their November flights from LAX to, uh, KNOX (?), fighting with the customer service rep over the $200 change flight fee but deciding in the end that “it’s worth it” to see Robert Pattinson, up close and personal, in the deep south.

I, for one, understand completely why the execs at Summit decided to whisk the cast from sunny LA to the Redneck Riviera. Knoxville offers the cast the following advantages for their site seeing tour: Mullets, Wife Beaters, Bluegrass, RC Colas and Moon Pies, Lee Press-On Nails, Fanny Packs, and Chevy Pick-up Trucks with gun racks and rebel flag bumper stickers, versus the following disadvantages of what is sure to be seen in LA: Hipster man bangs, flannel or plaid pearl snap shirts, dj’s who mash up pop music and oldies, vegan food, minx, murses & Toyota Prius’. Are you prepared with Knoxville’s finest rednecks to greet ‘dem fellers from dat der big ocean in da west?

Note to Solomon: reliving the 'best moment of your life' (pic with Kstew) will not be happening again this year

Note to Solomon: reliving the 'best moment of your life' (pic with Kstew) will not be happening again this year

On second thought, how well are your Wal-Mart’s stocked with tissues? Because when the news breaks that the premiere isn’t actually in Knoxville but the movie is just showing a few days early to raise a lot of money for a good cause, the devastating cries from Twihards in their New Moon t-shirts, Pattinson pants & Wolfpack tiny backpacks will be heard from downtown Knoxville all the way to Paris, Texas. Heck, once everyone finds out that instead of their beloved Edward, Bella & Jacob, Summit sent Gill Birmingham, Christian Serratos & a random wolf to represent the event, I wouldn’t even be surprised if there’s a riot amongst the city of tents painted with murals of shirtless Edward.  I bet that once a bus rolls up in front of the theatre the rioters will calm for a moment thinking that Sam Bradley has come to serenade the crowd with soulful tunes, but when they find out it’s just Solomon Trimble on the greyhound crashing the show, the riots will begin again. Are you prepared?

Perhaps you should reissue a statement in your newspaper clarifying that when you say “Although confirmation of the Knoxville premiere of the movie is set” you actually mean a Knoxville premiere (aka first time showing in Knoxville) and not the New Moon premiere that is being whispered all over the web.  That way, you can save your police force the trouble of calming down the riots that are sure to begin when Solomon Trimble shows up as the “star” for the event. You don’t want your city experiencing the 2nd-hand embarrassment of Twihard-girl-on-twihard-girl mud wrestling, winner being the one who gets to ask Solomon to autograph her left breast, if you don’t have to.

Bring home some moonpies for me,
UnintendedChoice

PS: before you southerners call me a “damn yank” and get mad at my poking fun of Knoxville, all those references came from EastFriend, who is a southern girl born & raised. Get mad at her. Just don’t tell her you love UT. Then she’ll be mad at you.

Did you see this posted places and think people were silly for assuming that the actual premiere would be moved to Knoxville like we did?

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  • Katie Jane

    I was born and raised in Knoxville, TN, went to a private school there, got accepted into 11 art school 4 of which are the top in the nation, got scholarships from all of them. Went out to LA, disliked it for me as a person (see im not bashing it am i?) and now I am further north in Baltimore. I understand people thinking a lot of things about Southerns, i dealt with it, but what i can’t get is that you set these presidents about one place before you go a see it. Every place has its down falls, every place has a stereotype. But were a city, maybe not huge, just like many out there. We have walmarts, and targets, walgreens and CVS. We have Kroger that owns Ralph (LA) that is just like safeway. We might have an accent, but a lot of other places too do. There are stupid people and smart people where ever you go. So you are totally entitled to your opinion about if the premiere should be here or not, and you are entitled to you opinion of Knoxville, once you come here, seen it and then make that opinion. You should be more respectful, and remember some people make there home here. Do you know why the south has so many poverty problems, where our heritage comes from? The south it self has a different identity then america because of the post-war movement of reconstruction. You might what to read cooks such as “The mind of the south” by Cash. Thankfully Tennessee had the help of the TVA. My father and Mother both work out at the LAB in Oak Ridge, an entire city made more the development of our Government Technology and Energy. My mother raised here was poor, she worked and put her self through college, she now works on databases for the nation military, one of the strongest smartest women i will ever know. There are people just like you here. Come check out knoxville, the mountains, even Dollywood. Dolly is an amazing women, she contributes so much. She was raised in a log shack in the middle of no where in East Tennessee, with 12 siblings. She was so poor they would use newspaper as toilet paper, and look where she is now. So, your totally entitled to your opinion but i just say, thinking about who you are putting down, there people too, and maybe go check knoxville out, before you come to your conclusion.

    and when in comes to football, i love UT always will.. but really at the point, going to an art school there sports is the last thing on there mind and everyone looks at me when i say i want beer, wings and football, and things i am crazy… i just love what i can get hahahaha… i love the SEC, and i love the togetherness that football can bring. I also love cooking.. and tailgating can make some of the best foods out there!

  • Hannah m

    You asshole!!! I’m from Knoxville and I don’t have a mullet!!! And I hate moon pies for that matter!!! And guess what I get to go to the premiere and I bet you can’t even get tickets!!! So KISS MY ASS!!!!!!

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      I like you!

  • kef113003

    I am 23 yrs old and was born and raised right here in Knoxville. Usually I can completely disregard ignorance, but in this case it is so absurd that it’s sad. Knoxville is so proud to have both Kristen and Taylor come here and help Variety with the work that they do for children; to have someone turn that around and make fun of Knoxville, Tennessee and the South like what was done above is flat out sad. I started reading LTT because Stephenie Meyer liked you guys so much, but sorry, not anymore. I hope Kristen and Taylor are treated fabulously (like I know they will be) and enjoy their brief time here in Knoxville. They alone will be the judge of Knoxville…not someone who has probably never stepped foot into the South (which is obvious by your above comments).

    • kef113003

      Ok so I jumped the gun after reading the article. I now get the humor…it took me a few minutes because my roots run deep. However, I do hope Kristen and Taylor do enjoy it here. :)

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  • izzy

    Just had to say this to the writer of the blog… I live in Knoxville and have no fucking clue what this movie is even about nor do I want to. But I must tell you that you was wrong saying that that we would be going to walmart to get tissue because the stars was not going to be. Trust me, they are here! I can’t drive nowhere without cars bumper to bumper you worthless piece of shit talking down upon my community!

    Thank you and that will be all.

  • Taylor

    Everyone in knoxville is not a redneck. In fact, rednecks would be in the minority in this city. Whoever wrote this ignorant article my not be a “damn yank”, but you’re certainly showing yourself to be a dumbass.

  • Hannah

    I love how biased that whole article was, obviously it was written by someone who has never been to Knoxville, TN. Just wanted to let you know how much fun the premiere was and how awesome it to see Kristen and Taylor up close and to get autographs. Too bad you weren’t there for it, but oh wait we’re just rednecks why hang out here for us.

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