Kristen Stewart, pregnant with Rob’s lovechild? Or just bloated?
Dear LTT-ers, Robstenites, Nonstenites, and general gossip hounds,
Recently a most outrageous “news” story began circulating around the interwebs. Rag mags, gossip sites and weirdos alike have been reporting that Kristen Stewart is pregnant! Yes, the 19 year old, barely legal, girl from Zathura, the chosen one of Stephenie Meyer, aka Bella is allegedly PREGNANT. Now I’m not one to believe most stuff from the Rag mags until the star themselves confirm it. But what’s the fun in waiting? So I’ve gathered together a panel of obsessed freaks experts on the subject of all things Twilight, Kristen and pregnancy. We’re going to treat this like our very own cable news show so sit back and relax as we bring you all the facts, reactions and advice on:
HARDBALL with Themoonisdown
Hello and welcome to our very first addition of Hardball, today is Friday, July 10th, 2009 and here’s what we know on the Kristen Stewart might be pregnant news front…
The Aussie tab’s insider says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”
The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”
As evidence, the mag ran a shot of Stewart with a small round belly on the set of her upcoming film, “The Runaways.”
Naturally reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.
As it stands this is what we know: Kristen Stewart is supposedly “late” in getting her monthly visitor. And of course thinks that a one Mr. Robert Pattinson is the father, nevermind her ex-boyfriend who from all accounts she was still with 2-3 months ago. Kristen Stewart has an unknown “friend” buy her a pregnancy test. And finally as physical evidence we have a photo of Kristen from the set of the Runaways with what reporters are calling a “small round belly.”
I turn now to my panel of highly esteemed journalists, Robsten followers, snarky commenters and legal experts for their reactions… Let’s play Hardball!
First up from the always on top of it Rob Pattinson site “Robsessed” we have the lovely Gozde. What is your opinion of the news that Kristen might be pregnant with Rob’s love child?
Gozde: Rob can impregnate with a stare, true story, but for this time I say ‘What a Load of Crap’
Moon: As proof Gozde has brought along this lovely picture at right to help prove her point. Can we get that on the screen now? (look to your left) *sees rob* Uh… yea I’m gonna have to say you might be right… I feel my ovaries spontaneously ovulating… NEXT expert! Quickly!!
Kristin: *interupting* “I would also like to mention that after seeing pictures of Rob and Ruby (his pint sized costar for Remember Me) together, my uterus spontaneously impregnated itself, so if there is a babymama, It’s me, spelled with an IN. Just in case you were all wondering…”
Moon: Well, I guess we’ve proven your point Gozde, maybe a Kristen IS pregnant from his stares, it just might be OUR KristIN, instead. Why don’t we toss this to the super wonderful TwiCrackAddict for her take. What do you think TwiCrack, pregnant or not?
TwiCrackAddict: “Hullo? If having a lil’ pooch is evidence of being knocked up, then people must think that my ever-present Food-Induced-Belly-Bump is an indication that I’m pregnant with sextuplets these days. Sorry, I’m just puffy and eat too much ice cream”
Follow the cut to see what else the panel has to say, and IS SHE PREGNANT?? Come back after this commercial break
Moon: Preach sister, wanna go get double dip cones TwiCrack?
TwiCrackAddict: Yes and also as one of my readers commented when I reported the story: “Maybe she had a big lunch and just wants to Al Bundy it!”
Moon: Don’t we all? In fact, I’m doing that right now. Let it all hang out, that’s what I say. Thanks girl. Now let’s move along to one of our resident Robstenites and creator of the hilariously funny Twi-Theater over on the forum for her thoughts… Calli, what did you think about the possible Robsten baby?
Calli: Well, my first thought: bitch! I’d give anything to have prego rumours about me and The Sparkly One. Seriously. like… I’d go all Nikki Reed on his ass and get me some compromising pictures and then head on over to a props department and get me some fake baby bumps to help me along that story…
And then second, I wanted to call up Stephanie Meyer’s reps to make sure she hadn’t jumped into the Grand Canyon… what more can these two do to ruin the chaste image of Bella and Edward she worked so long to dream up. First the weed smoking by kstew & the alcoholism of Rpattz … then the charlie hotel sleepover… then that damned book cover… and finally… a baby?!?! without a wedding!?!? Steph’s going to die at a very young age. I don’t think her nerves can take much more…
Moon: Very good point Calli! UC, get Meyers’ reps on the phone we need to make sure she’s still alive and ticking… or at least make sure her typing fingers are in working order! She still needs to finish Midnight Sun before she even thinks about getting anywhere near the ledge of the Grand Canyon! Ok, let’s turn to another leading expert in all things Twi… the master of it all: NewMoonMovie.org… So NMM do you think Kristen is knocked up?
NewMoonMovie.org: “She’s been seen still smoking. A lot.”
Moon: Very good point NMM but what if she is indeed WITH CHILD?
NewMoonMovie.org: “I don’t know about you, but if I was pregnant with Robert Pattison’s baby, I’d turn into the fricking town crier: ‘Hear ye, hear ye! I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!'”
Moon: I would hire a sky writer to share the news! Let’s focus now on what’s been said about her physique… the mag says Kristen has a “small round belly…” Let’s go to our leather pants expert and commenter LaPushBaby, what can you tell us?
LaPushBaby: This is the belly of a person who is being forced to wear painted-on leather pants for filming all day. Can you imagine how uncomfortable they must be? I would unbutton them the first chance I got, too. Seriously, this is the bloated belly of a girl who is having her monthly visit from Aunt Flo, or shared a Bloomin’ Onion and a pitcher of Foster’s at Outback last night. Water retention, we’ve all been there…
BrookeLockart: It’s called a F.U.P.A. (Fat Upper P*ssy Area). Come on, you know what I’m talking about…her metabolism is finally slowing down and late night munchies will eventually take its toll. Plus I think she’s totally on the BC and she’s busting out a bit (see New Moon busty boobies for reference).
Moon: FUPA!! The scourge of getting older, thank you for reminding us Brooke. What do you think commenter Proselyte3? The belly? The Leather pants? What gives? Is this just another case of the media and it’s double standards for female bodies?
Proselyte3: “Damn! If having a tiny bit of belly hang over a pair of tight ass leather pants makes KStew pregs, then most of the female race must be carrying Rob’s spawn.”
Moon: Crap… am I pregnant? And all along I thought mexican good bloat doesn’t equal a baby! Help me Lauren from Lauren’s Bite!
Lauren: “Beer = Babies…”
Moon: *expletive beeeeeeeeep* Well, we’ve spent all this time debating whether Kristen and Rob bumped uglies long enough to get pregnant but I can’t help but wonder about the others effected by this scenario… What about Oregano? Her Family? Rob?
Calli: “Poor Oregano. No one ever thought his sperm could knock KStew up … even when the boy was stalking her every move. Now Rob – sweet, sexy, viril Rob who is on the completely opposite coast…. He can do it just by rubbing his nose up against her forehead in an almost kiss. Someone better check to see if Oregano and SMeyer aren’t laying in that same ditch in the Grand Canyon.”
Moon: Oh God!! UC, call the Arizona Parks Dept! Check the bottom of the Grand Canyon for a suburban housewife turned writer and the little guy who played Jack’s son!
UC: ” Ok, ok… looks like they found someone down there… guess I’m looking forward to giving the baby a stuffed werewolf at her shower!”
Moon: Noooooo!!! But what proof do we have? Show us the proof! No proof, no truth, right?
Calli: She’s eating!! She’s pregnant! Look at this picture from the Runaways set (to the right)
Moon: Control room, can you show us the eating picture?
She’s eating a cookie… is that proof?
Calli: And now she’s vomitting. That means MORNING SICKNESS! Double Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moon: This just in, according to Kristin we have Rob’s reaction to the rumors… can we go to the Rob reaction feed live from the set of Remember Me? (see right)
Moon: Ok, Calli and Kristin, I’m not sure we can call these proof… but what can Kristen do to help stop these rumors?
Calli: If I were Kristen and wanted to squash prego rumours…. I’d be walking around with a bottle of tequila in one hand and FOUR lit cigarettes in my mouth while rolling a non-therapeutic joint with my free hand. I wouldn’t have a bottle of water and a cellphone in my hands. But that’s just me.
Moon: TRUTH! Thanks Calli, this is why I walk around with a tequila bottle in my hand at all times. Lastly, let’s go to our resident in house legal expert and creator of the HHH Bar Association, Janetrigs, Esq. What say you Janetrigs? If this news is true what legal rights do Rob and Kristen have?
Janetrigs, Esq: If it’s true the custody battle should be nonexistent, as Rob has repeatedly expressed his distaste for children. However Kristen Stewart’s lawyers will likely seek hefty child support payments, which may have RPattz cutting his cigarette, Heineken, and Dunkin Donuts coffee budget in half.
Moon: Wow, Janet when you put it that way, that is a high cost to pay for dear Rob for 2 minutes of mediocre at best, pleasure. Let’s hope for both their sakes this news is false and that they will live to shag another day. Any final thoughts from the peanut gallery?
East Friend: “Debbie Gibson is pregnant with my two-headed love child.”
Moon: And with that we close our very first edition of Hardball with Themoonisdown. I want to thank all my esteemed panelists: Gozde from Robsessed, forum Moderator and intersection partner Kristin, TwicrackAddict from Confessions of a TwiCrackAddict, creator of Twi-Theater and forum Moderator Calli, NewMoonMovie.org, commenter and Vitamin R enthusiast LaPushBaby, Brooke Lockart commenter and FanFic prude, commenter and Micheal W Smith fanclub president Proselyte3, Lauren from Lauren’s Bite, member and creator of the HHH Bar Association Janetrigs and finally Quad Member and keeper of the Landshark East Friend. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! A thousand times Thank you to all who participated and until next time…
Sex can wait, masterbate!
Source: LA Times blog
See what UC has cooked up over at Letters to Rob
Wanna talk more about Kristen ALLEGEDLY being preggers or want to participate in the daily chat and answer the question of the day? Head over to the forum!
*and NO we don’t think she’s pregnant!*
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