Praying and Fasting: For a better New Moon

new-moon-poster-kristen-stewartDear intelligent LTT readers who know better than to love a Young Adult novel & its poorly made movie adaptation but love it anyway,

Comic Con is over. We saw the new clip. We’ve seen the new pictures. The official website is up, and so New Moon time is ON.  It’s time we start our “Fasting & Praying for a better New Moon” which is a phrase we borrowed from our friend Lula who is doing a similar concept with her Twi-pals.

You’ve heard us say it countless times- We love Stephenie Meyer & the world she created. We love Robert Pattinson’s portrayal of Edward & (some of us) love Kristen as Bella, but a LOT about Twilight the movie just plain BLEW.  Buttcrack Santa? Thank you Melissa Rosenberg for writing him in because he’s my favorite character to make fun of, but really? Oh gosh, you’ve all read our blog- I don’t need to keep going- you know what we hated about the movie.

I saw Twilight 5 times in the theaters and have watched the DVD 3 times now (once with the commentary- I know! That’s nothing) and each time I watch it the more embarrassed I am that I spent over $50 at the movie theaters (plus all the money I spent on popcorn- b/c I can’t see a movie without out- seriously. Even if I just had popcorn for dinner, I’d still get popcorn in the theater)

We recently got this email from an LTT reader

Dear Melissa Rosenberg,

Twilight was a joke movie. I love Twilight and have seen it 800,000 times because (of Rob) of my love for the books, but to be honest, it’s a really terrible, second-hand embarrassing movie. The first time I watched it, I had not read the books yet, and I walked out. Of course, after I read the books I went back and watched it 3 more times in theaters. I had been contemplating whether New Moon would be just as…lame for lack of better words, or would it actually live up to it’s explosive hype? Of course, it doesn’t matter, it will still make bazillions in the box office, Twihards around the world, including myself, will watch it multiple times in theaters. But with the AMAZING trailer and all the set videos and visit reports, will the movie end up being an actual good movie that humans beyond the Twiworld would be able to enjoy? I have been pondering this question for awhile, and I had high hopes, because of new direction, a bigger budget, and Rob. But then I remembered. Yes, the director has been replaced (love the coug, but my, my was the directing terrible), and the stunts and make up will actually look professional this time around, but I’m sorry, the worst part about the movie was…THE SCRIPT. It was all your fault. Well not all, but you play a big role in why Twilight was unintentionally hilarious. The dialogue was SO incredibly cheesedick. Come on, “How you likin’ da rain grrrrrrrrl?” It’s not ‘hip’ to talk like that anymore. Nor was it ever. “Any cold…wet…thing…” Really? REALLY? You couldn’t come up with something better to respond to how ‘shez likin da rain?’ And why does Edward HAVE to show Bella he’s sparkly after she says it…OUTLOUD (that made Edward sound like a douche btw). Oh dear, MelMel, you really butchered it. See, because of you, not only do Twihards get made fun of for liking the books, but they are REALLY looked down upon for liking the movie. You should be ashamed of yourself. I really, really hope you watched Twilight yourself, realized how much you assraped the script, and wrote a less parody-like screenplay for New Moon. Stop smokin’ da herb grrrrrrl. Thanks.

Love,
me.

MelMel: At fault? Or another victim of Cathy Hardy's wacky ways?

MelMel: At fault? Or another victim of Cathy Hardy's wacky ways?

So I have to ask. Was it the script? I think that was a huge contributing factor.  So our first prayer & first object of fasting is for “MelMel,” as the email writer called her, to step it up a notch & lay off the ‘suck’ with the New Moon script.

I think she can do it. I mean, she’s got a pretty impressive resume up on imdb. She wrote for Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman for gosh sakes! I wanted to do Sully before I even knew what ‘doing’ meant. But seriously, she’s written for The OC, which like it or love it, is a brilliantly written show, and she is currently a writer for Dexter. I’ve only seen a few episodes and they’re creepily awesome, but it’s one of Moon’s favorite shows and she agrees that the writing is very creative & well-done.

So she’s obviously experienced, although those 3 shows I mentioned (yes, I wasn’t kidding about Dr. Quinn) are all TV shows, and I understand the process is different for TV versus film. Moon argues that she thinks ‘the cougar” (aka Hardy- Catherine Hardwicke) may have had a lot to do with botching the script & added some of those cheeseball lines we all cringe to hear. Admit it- the first month or two you made excuses for those lame lines like “LA Push it’s… La Push” and “Purple’s cool” saying they were “cute” and ‘just a few high school kids playing around.” But by now, we’re over making excuses- we admit it- those lines sucked big time. Did “MelMel” write them in? Or was it Hardy’s fault?

I don’t know and I doubt we ever will.  All I know is that it’s Monday night at 9:51 pm and I just had myself a cupcake (of course), a glass of wine (fine 4 glasses), half a bag of pirate’s booty, some pasta, shrimp fried rice & an apple because my fast starts tomorrow and I’m not going to eat much from now until November.  And I’m holding my eyes opened in preparation for them being closed in a three and 1/2 month prayer that MelMel figured out a way to best write the script so that Chris Weitz can represent those empty pages with just the names of the months listed when Bella is barely surviving visually and beautifully so that not a single sound is heard in any theater across the globe on November 20 other than the sound of heart-broken, sobbing Unicorns & women.

Only 114 more days until I can eat again,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Did Melissa Rosenberg have a lot to do with Twilight’s issues? Are you worried about her involvement with New Moon?

Fun Fact: I drafted this post days ago, and when I went into it last night to do a final edit & schedule for today, I noticed I called the screenwriter: Melissa ROBsenberg

Moon loves Rob. And wrote him something special on LTR
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Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • Bärbel

    I’m joining the fasting. Sad thing is, the movie doesn’t come out til January here. No fod for Christmas. How sad.
    Or maybe I can strat eating again after you guys have seen it. Since by then the deed is done and nothing can be changed anymore.

    • niahid

      I’ll be fasting for a whole month in ramadhan (around mid august to mid sept ) since i’m a muslim.
      I’ll pray for a better New Moon and Rob of course..:))

      • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

        how convenient! ramadhan falls at the perfect time!

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      i gave you a thumbs down. that stinks :(

      • http://www.regenbogenfamilie.eu Bärbel

        I know. And I totally have to become a criminal bc I cannot wait that long. So I will probably have to download some stupid ass really bad quality bootleg thing. Unless I win the lottery and can afford a ticket to the states. Sometimes it sucks to live in Europe.
        And what’s even worse: the dubbing. I am refusing to see any of that in German. No freaking way!

  • Bärbel

    And obviously I can’t spell.

  • closertofine

    Yeah, I’m gonn have to with Cathy-the-Coug. She has “jurisdiction” over the script, and I know she told MelMel to re-write some things, cut some things, etc. And I’m pretty sure BCSanta was her idea. Meyer’s cameo was, and even MEYER regrets doing it. (I mean, come on. They even CALLED her Stephanie. Couldn’t she just have been sitting at a table in the background?? It’s not exactly a “blink and you’ll miss it” type of cameo. They might as well have put a neon sign around her. And she even had her laptop open? I mean REALLY??)
    The editing DECISIONS were terrible, some of the cheesy lines wouldn’t have been so bad if they weren’t delivered so badly – the director’s job to say “no, do it again, better. Take 27″ – so yeah, DEFS it was Cathy.

  • pange

    Considering the fact that NM has already been made and is in post, I’m willing to start fasting for an excellent Eclipse script. Because I will cutabitch if that one sucks. It’s my favorite book and I will be crushed, CRUSHED, if it sucks.

    On the plus side, I’ll be skinny & hot from fasting so when I show up at the premiere, Rob will fall deeply in love with me. LMAO

  • ANDREA

    I loved Dr Quinn and I love Dexter so it has always been hard to reconcile those well written shows (especially Dexter) with the Twilight screenplay.

    I mean. “So the lion fell in love with the lamb”. Oh! :o That wasn’t MelMel, that was Stephenie :( OK. But “LA Push it’s… La Push” Seriously?

    I’m starting my fast tomorrow (I have to eat chocolates, french fries, hamburgers, ice creams and drink couple frapuccinos today) in hope that the PTB listen our prayers and New Moon turns out to be a decent movie.

    Hugs,

    ANDREA

    • http://52faces.blogspot.com 52 Faces

      Yes! Dr. Quinn! The 35-year-old virgin smartie pants! I did not know that the same woman could spring that genius of a show (made old-fashioned brothels fun!) from the same loins, I mean brains, that pooped out “La Push”. (Great. The Asian guy gets to sound retarded. Really helps our image. Smuck you Hollywood.)

      I can’t fast because I have insulin issues…so I’ll just eat extra for all you ladies and you can laugh at my food baby at the premiere.

  • missymiss

    i have to say, i thought the NM trailer dialog was pretty bad. the common denominator will be determined 11-20 and it may be a “gots to go” situation for MelMel.

    watched order of the phoenix last night again — why is it that the HP books translated so much better to the screen???

    • Pinky

      I’m gonna have to agree with you, MissyMiss. The dialogue in the car between Alice and Bella is a bit cringe worthy. As much as I love Stephanie’s great story and characters, her dialogue and narration in the book suffers from an abundance of cheese. In trying to stay true to the books the cheese is coming through loud and clear on-screen. Catherine’s horrible direction and her ‘down with the kids’ script additions just made it all the more daunting. I’m beginning to think that I can’t blame this on MelMel solely.

  • http://www.lulaville.com Leigh Anne

    Aw…spreading the fasting and praying love. YES!!!!! I’ve been doing it since November 21, 2008, when I donned my sackcloth and covered my forehead with ashes. And yes, I did write a letter to Chris Weitz…thanks for linking it. I hope he read it. (‘Cause I wrote it when filming on NM began.)

    Now we gotta start fasting and praying for David Slade. Sigh…

    p.s. SULLY!!!!!! Oh, my Joe Lando. How I loved him. And how I love you for wanting to do him, too. Menage a trois??????

  • toooldforthis

    I blame the cougar. We all watched the commentary, right? Was I the only one who cringed when she said “gnarley”. Really Catherine? Gnarley? Is this 1982? I was second-hand embarrassed when I heard that. She’s sitting next to Rob talking like some stoner reject from the ’80′s.

    I’m sure she found nothing wrong with the dialogue. Let’s not forget spider-monkey. We can’t blame Rob for that. Catherine gave him a list of 10 things to choose from, and that’s what he chose. However, we don’t know what else was on that list. I’m sure he chose the lesser of 10 evils!

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      this is a gnarley comment

    • http://tiffanized.wordpress.com tiffanized

      I can’t even watch “spider monkey”. I think Rob picked that line out of spite.

    • ANDREA

      I have a confession to make, sisters…

      I love the “spider-monkey” line! :o
      I know!! It’s 1st-hand embarrassing!!!
      (since I’m embarrassed for myself)

      It’s not really the words… it’s that when Rob says it… with that lovely smile!!! I simple melt. :p

      I’m sorry, I’m a disgrace for the fandom :(

      Hugs,

      ANDREA

    • http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum DontQuestionMe

      No, the absolute worst is Rosalie’s “That’s my monkey man” line. Makes me cringe EVERY single time.

      • movingtoforks

        My LEAST favorite of all these horrid lines is definitely “Hold on tight, spider monkey.” Though that’s my monkey man does also suck. I read in a mag recently that they were filming during the writers’ strike and Catherine thought Rob needed some dialogue for that scene, so she wrote a bunch of lines and Rob picked that one. OOH, if you google Robert Pattinson spider monkey a bunch of stories come up. http://www.lionandlamblove.org/robert-pattinson-hand-picked-spider-monkey-line/

        Seriously, the coug thought “Prepare for liftoff” was a viable line???

        So I defs blame the coug and the melmel.

  • http://www.optimisticandindenial.blogspot.com Meg O

    I think two things happened. Catherine Hardwicke overruled on some of the lines and butchered them and Melissa Rosenberg wasn’t sure what she was doing with the story yet. I think both of these problems are solved this time around with New Moon. I’m really confident that Chris Weitz is going to do a fantastic job with this movie. Melissa has had time to be in the story for a little bit. Hopefully she understands what we as the fans want and really what the story deserves now. I’m staying positive about this. I think things will be good, but just to be safe, here’s to fasting!

  • jodieo

    I’m sure good ol’ Cathy H. didn’t help the script out a whole lot (spider monkey), but I think there’s enough blame to go around. Stephanie, Melissa, and Catherine, I love you, but you should be ashamed of yourselves. I mean the ‘brand of heroine’ scene barely works in the book, but it’s ridiculous in the movie. And whichever of them came up with ‘Hey, Bella, it’s a worm! It’s a worm! (dorky laugh)’ needs a punch to the kidney. Actually, pretty much everything Justin Chong had to say (you know he died a little on the inside with every take) was just criminally lame.

    • ANDREA

      Justin seems such a nice guy but Eric is one of the most annoying characters. Ever.

      ANDREA

      • jodieo

        I couldn’t think of the character’s name and was too lazy too look it up. =) I’m sure the whole cast is very nice and very cool. Which just makes it all the more painful every time I have to watch Mike Welch stand on his cafeteria chair and pretend to be surfing.

  • achc

    Wasn’t a lot of the film made during the writers’ strike? We all know the “spider monkey” line was Catherine’s (and before seeing what the other options were, I thought Rob was absolutely retarded for choosing it – turns out it really was the best one) because while filming she thought that scene needed dialogue but the writers were on strike. I imagine (HOPE) it happened other times too, which would explain at least some of the crappy dialogue.

    I agree with that reader letter you posted. But Catherine Hardwicke’s major suckage was definitely, absolutely what made the movie shit (yeah yeah, I like it, but you wrote today’s letter so you know what I mean).

    *sigh*

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      i know!

  • Katie S

    This post is pure gold. For real.

    “I really, really hope you watched Twilight yourself, realized how much you assraped the script”

    hahahahah! Perfect.

    I am honestly afraid to watch New Moon. Don’t get me wrong – I couldn’t be more excited for 11.20.09 or… November 19th at midnight (if we’re being honest), but the Twilight script was heartbreaking. My boyfriend is actually curious about this Twilight DVD that I waited in line to get, along side 13 year-old girls in pj’s with their Twimoms. I have yet to let him watch it with me. I’m too embarassed.

    Anyone else feel that the lines between Bella and Alice in the car on the way too the clock tower sounded contrived? Flat? We can’t lay the whole movie on poor Robward’s shoulders. I. Am. Scared.

    • Pinky

      I’ve said this before, but I too thought the car lines came across poorly.

    • http://twitter.com/KatOfDiamonds KatOfDiamonds

      on TwiBoys:

      My neighbor boys borrowed my DVD for 3 days.

      I DID make them sign in blood that they wouldn’t damage my limited edition Borders copy…but only after I stared at them in shock…

  • superhumanmoron

    I may or may not even hear the dialogue in NM. I will be too busy trying not to pee my pants in anticipation of seeing shirtless Edward on the big screen.

  • Just me

    What about the awful awful hospital scene at the end?On the DVD commentary I think even Kristen comments that she needed more lines instead of:
    I
    I…
    No…
    You can’t leave…
    I…
    No…
    You can’t…
    No…
    No…
    I can’t…
    Uh….
    [awkward pause as Kristen runs out of lines]
    I’m not going anywhere

    Let’s hope it was crazy Cathy – although you have to give her credit for Rosalie’s “my monkey man” in the baseball scene – kind of cute.

    Hold it, I take that back, she’s also responsible for “hold on tight spider monkey” – WHO would say that? Seriously?

    • http://www.seriouslykortnii.blogspot.com Kortnii

      Am I the only one who likes that scene? seriously.
      I thought it was the only believeable part kstew played. cause Ive been there. the loss ans stumble for words. so I suppose I find it less funny…

      It one of the only scenes I can take seriously. haha.
      Xk

      • MrsKowski

        Funny you say that Kortnii …the only 2 RL friends I could convince to watch the movie both said that was the best acting KSTew did in the whole thing.

        I still found it very cringe-worthy

    • achc

      I watched the commentary again this weekend and that’s not really what I understood had happened. The way I understand it is that what ended up in the movie was actually what Kristen decided to add, saying what she had before wasn’t enough. Hence the incomprehensible “sentence” supposedly there to make us feel how shocked Bella is at the thought of Edward leaving her.

      No? I might be wrong but that’s how I see it. What’s there is Kristen’s “brilliant” addition to the scene’s dialogue.
      :)

      • K

        Actors are actors, and directors are directors. Please, for the sake of us all, never let them confuse themselves with writers. EVER

  • http://www.hiscrookedsmiles.com hiscrookedsmiles

    LMFAO “cheesedick”!

  • Courtney

    This post is absolutely hilariously true… brilliant. And yes, let the fasting begin.

    I mean “Spider Monkey”… really? But remember that Stephanie let that in… shame on her. :(

    Based on the clips though, I have faith in The Weitz. Just hoping the Porsche scene is still being re-worked. The cinemetography is already seems 100 times better.

  • Jax

    I think the dialogue did have a lot to do with the horrendousness of the Twilight movie, but I also think MelMel here isn’t solely to blame. Let’s not forget that Stephenie herself wrote those lines about the damn lion and lamb. I mean, if a guy said to me “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb”, I don’t care how hot/sparkly/marbley he is, my response would NOT be “What a stupid lamb” — It would be more like, “Don’t ever say anything like that again. Now take off your pants.”

    Also, we know for a fact that Catherine wrote a couple of the lines (specifically “Spider monkey” which I totally think Rob chose because he thought it was hilariously stupid.) We also know that she had the cast improvise a couple of times (ie: “This kind of stuff isn’t real”, “Where am I gonna go?” and Bella’s spattering in the hospital are all moments she has said the actors came up with.) I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the awkward lines to come out of Eric and Mike were ad libbed as well.

    One major request for Melissa: write more lines for Charlie. Everything that man says is gold.

    • toooldforthis

      That’s what I don’t understand. Why was there so much ad-libbing? During the commentary, Catherine told Kstew she “loved what she did” in the car scene. Apparently she came up with “put your seatbelt on!” Yeah, that’s pure gold right there.

      And in the book, instead of spider-monkey, Edward called her a little coward. Why not keep that? Why keep such horrendous dialogue like the lion and lamb crap or the my brand of heroin?

      • tinkrbe1l3

        i read that stephenie told them they should keep the lion and the lamb line because there are tons of fans that have that tattooed on their body. she thought theyd be pretty upset if that wasn’t in there.

        • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

          agree.. people would have been in an uproar. not me though. i never really liked it

        • Jax

          Do you think any of the people with that specific tattoo saw the movie and regretted the tat after hearing how horrible that line is when spoken out loud?

          • Pinky

            LMAO.

          • movingtoforks

            the worst part is that “the lion fell in love with the lamb” is some biblical shit that stephenie snuck in there.

  • http://www.seriouslykortnii.blogspot.com Kortnii

    but. even saying that,[liking the hospital scene] the movie IS a comedy. the entire time Im supposed to be believeing this shit, Im laughing my ass off. its sad, compared to the books. and I only really watch the comentary now. unless someone else who isnt a [crazy] fan like myself is in the room with me.

    people who didnt read the books and watched the film first. LOVED the movie. then they read the books and are like “uh…….well that ruins it for me.” and go off and tell me every little detail thats missing or done wrong. like I didnt already know…..

    and dont feel embarassed! I paid well over $50 to see it in theatres. and I could have gotten the tickets for free. yeah. Im an idiot. it was worth the lols.
    Xk

    pray for New Moon!!! I have a good feeling about this. almost a tingly twilight sense. or maybe I have dander. I dont know. GO NM!

  • http://thechroniclesofemilymarie.blogspot.com Emmeloowhoo

    And the Choir Said: AMEN!

    That script really sucked. And to hear Catherine say she wrote down a few lines and told Rob to pick one and he chose the “spider monkey” line. There was also a part in the commentary where she asked where KStew got the idea to do something and she’s like well it was in the book duh…

    Did either of them actually read the book or did they just skim it?

    Seriously!

  • Pingback: Twitted by Pilineasalways

  • Janetrigs

    Totally blame the Cougar, she was way to into her “set dressing” with Signs that exactly match Forks and Forks High School to care what the characters were saying. Oh, except when she came up with the brilliance (enter sarcasm) that was “Spider Monkey”. She’s rediculous……lossing strength to continue typing as I have also began my fasting…..laterz

  • http://tiffanized.wordpress.com tiffanized

    If you ever get the chance to see the Twilight RiffTrax, I recommend it. The same guys who did Mystery Science Theater 3000 keep up a running commentary during the movie, and they point out all the ridiculous stuff (like the scene where Buttcrack Santa bites it being filmed through boat windshields).

    You can watch a sample of it here: http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/twilight Just scroll down and click on “Watch Sample” under the price.

    • ldazzled18

      That is seriously the funniest thing I’ve seen in days! It makes all of the cheesy, God-awful lines worth it. Thanks!

      • jazzled

        lmao, that was pretty effing hi-larious. I wouldn’t own it, but I’d definitely watch through it and pass it on.

    • Pinky

      I damn near hurt myself laughing when he started singing the Benny Hill theme song, hahahahah!

  • tracyvanhorne

    The dialogue was SO incredibly cheesedick.

    Ok srsly, you think I would know better than to drink my diet dr pepper while reading your blog… can you put up a warning or something? Because I really think the IM department is tired of me calling because my keyboard is not working…. and I never have any idea how all that sticky shit gets down in there…. never. Maybe I should be all gallagher-like and just tarp my whole cubicle with trash bags while I get my morning LTR/LTT fix?

  • molly

    This post is spot-on. Mind you of course I own the Twlight DVD and watch it at every possible opportunity — but only when I’m ALONE because I’m so embarrassed for suffering through the horribleness that is the movie just to indulge in the scrumptiousness that is RTP. I’m desperately hoping that NM gives me an excuse to watch the movie repeatedly (in front of my husband even?) without it being glaringly obvious that I only want to gawk at Rob’s abs (real or fake). Thank you for acknowledging openly that the first one just plain sucked. I really thought the low point was when Edward chased Bella down on the field trip to tell her they shouldn’t be friends. It made no sense and was totally unnatural. I felt bad for him for having to do it!! Anyone else think the fight scene where carlisle is turniquiting her leg is so dopey. I mean, it seemed so stupid to make Edward suck the venom out when Carlisle is sitting there barely occupied. blah. joining the fast . . .

  • achc

    Here are the alternative lines that had been given to Rob but that he did NOT pick:

    Option 1:
    Edward: You’re not scared of heights, are you?
    Bella: Not that I know of …

    Option 2:
    Edward: Hold on tight …
    Bella: Don’t worry …

    Option 3:
    Edward: Wrap your legs around me like a spider monkey.
    Bella: Done.

    Option 4:
    Edward: Got a good grip? Don’t let go.
    Bella: No chance of that, buddy.

    Option 5
    Edward: Prepare for liftoff …

    Option 6
    Edward: Prepare for takeoff…

    Option 7
    Edward: Fasten your seat belt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride

    Option 8
    Edward: Are you secure? There may be some turbulence

    CLEARLY the spider monkey one was the best. Who would’ve thought? The other ones are just too… ridiculous.

    Links:
    http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1613325/story.jhtml
    http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/06/08/which-twilight-line-was-the-fake-here-is-your-answer/

    I don’t know if it’s ok to post links but gotta give credit to the source, eh!

    • Jax

      I don’t think options 1, 2, or 4 are too bad. I don’t see why he couldn’t just say “Hold on.” Or, “Do you trust me?” like Aladdin.

      If he had said any of the last four I would have puked on the spot.

      • molly

        Ugh. He DID say “do you trust me” and it was soooo Leo DiCap from Titanic. Totally derivative. I’m not sure who’s to blame for the fact that Edward never (other than first day in biology) seemed all that phased by Bella’s scent. But it was probably Hardy’s fault.

        • Jax

          That’s right! I forgot he actually says that. His reaction to her scent is awful in the biology scene too. He only seems mean/dangerous to me in the office with Mrs Cope.

          • http://twitter.com/KatOfDiamonds KatOfDiamonds

            Can I just say that I would volunteer myself to Rob to full explore the options that these lines entail.
            Am I the only one who cued cheesy porn music while reading them?

          • molly

            You’re so right. I think that was actually one of the biggest misses in the movie. He just wasn’t threatening in that I-could-kiss-you-but-I-might-just-suck-the-life-out-of-you way that is an ever-present struggle in the book. That’s not something I guess a screenwriter puts in the dialogue but it sure as hell should have been in the notes. Maybe RTP was trying to convey it with all those pained expressions but it usually just made me think of Keanu Reeves in (well, does it matter what movie when you’re talking about KR since he recylces the same performance in each one?) The thing is, RTP is a good actor, but he’s green — I think he could’ve given a pretty amazing performance if the director had allowed him the opportunity. I blame Hardy.

    • toooldforthis

      Oh my! When I read through your list, I thought you were being funny. I didn’t believe for 1 second those were really his options until I saw the link you posted.

      How high was Catherine when she made that list? “There may be some turbulence.” “Prepare for takeoff”. Can you imagine if Rob had used one of those.

      Now all of a sudden, Rob looks like a genius for picking the spider monkey line. I will never doubt him again.

  • MrsKowski

    I think the blames lies with them both equally. I agree that Mel has an impressive resume so I’d like to think the crappy ass script had a lot to do with the writers strike but that doesn’t excuse how badly mangled the most important parts of the story are …not to mention the fact that some of the lines don’t flow properly.

    The part of the movie that always drives me crazy is the “what if I’m the bad guy” part in the caf. I find that some of Rob’s lines are just thrown out there and don’t actually fit with the dialog like “I’d rather hear your theories” She never mentioned having any theories or idea’s etc. it’s like they were in a hurry to get to the point left out the proper progression to get there.

    I definitely think Crazi-Hardi was responsible for all the cheese lines and for the fancy glitter glue. I totally agree with Janetrigss that she put way too much effort into the wrong things. We, the fans, wouldn’t have noticed if the school was EXACTLY the same as the real one but we totally noticed when she cheaped out on our characters!!

  • stormey

    I am thinking the debacle that was the twiscript was a group effort. I hear ya on the bad dialogue (a lot of which we know was Harwicke’s fault- “sex, money, sex, CAT ” WTF!) but the pacing of the script was horrendous as well. IMO- important scenes from the book changed too much, or too rushed. Screenplay Bella in no way held the intuition, boldness, or compassion that Book Bella did. And don’t get me started on Edward (I much prefer smooth, hot-angsty Edward over constipated, pathetic-angsty Edward). Twilight is about two people falling in love- and I feel like a lot of that was missing in the movie.

    Don;t get me wrong- I too saw it 5 times in the theatre and rushed out first thing to buy the DVD- which I have watched countless times- all because of my love for twilight. I am keeping positive thoughts for NM and already saving my dollars for future multiple trips to the movies. Here’s to hoping they don’t screw it up!

  • jazzled

    Oh jeezus, how I LOL’ed at ‘Stop smokin da herb grrrrrrl’….

    I have to admit, the movie adaptation really messed me up, because I only read Twilight once (I’m on my second read-through right now; I know, the shame of it). But I’m finding that because I was so disappointed in the movie, I wrongly attributed the book to be being bad as well, and on this second go-round, I’m finding that it well….wasn’t, actually. Y’know, for the young adult crowd…

    I personally feel more inclined to say that a lot of the, shall we call them ‘problem areas’, were directly influenced by Hardwicke herself, and honestly at this point I’m wondering if she had hand in helping Steph write Breaking Dawn. Jeezus, I *hope* that one gets a helluva lot better the second time around. *facepalm*

    I think that based on the stills and clips we’ve been lucky enough to see that Chris Weitz has got it under control. Furthermore, I think it was probably a good idea to hand the reins of directing over to a man; cougars and vampire love stories just dont mix. The only thing that makes me question this based on what we’ve seen so far is Jasper’s poodle-hair, which is a *major* let-down in comparison to the first film. Who knows why it looks so horrible? Maybe I should just ask Jackson the next time I see him what his opinion of the hair was. I’m sure he’d have a better answer than anyone in costuming/makeup.

    • achc

      URGH I KNOW!!! WHAT IS UP WITH THE HAIR????

      Yes, that deserves caps.

    • toooldforthis

      I didn’t know vampires could get perms?

  • K

    I’m definitely going to have to pass the blame here into the Cathige court. Everyone heard about how the Mel was made to do a rewrite on the script (I really want to see the original so she can clear her name of the suckiness) and we all know that Cat and Steph had their heads over her shoulders while she typed it. Talk about backseat writing. So, yeah, I think some of the blame does belong to Steph because, lets face it, she was fully submerged in the making of the movie from the beginning and had veto power over the script as witnessed by the trashing of the original.

    We did hear about some deep rooted controversy between Steph and Cat though, so I have to believe that it really all lies in her lap. Cat is the one who forced all of the improv crap. Improv is great fun; really entertaining for theater when you see a play multiple times, but does not belong on film. Use it in rehearsals, or to make jokes, but don’t use it in the final cut of the film. Clearly, from the whole spidermonkey thing, we know that Cat had a hand in some of the lines. She actually stayed up the night before making an entire list? That was the best she could come up with? REALLY? The coug’s off her rocker, no doubt about it. As if we need any more proof in the matter, she also edited the trainwreck.

    The least embarassing parts of the movie were all of the ones with the Cullens. The fam saved the movie from complete suckage. You can absolutely tell which scenes in the movie are scripted and which are improvved and the latter way outways the former by far. So lets all take a moment to thank Kellan, Ashley, Jackson, Peter, Elisabeth, and Nikki. Thank you faux-cullens for giving the movie it’s small scrap of dignity.

  • MsKat

    And all God’s children say A-MEN!

    I will pray and fast, write all the cast and crew of New Moon on my prayer card every Sunday for the church to pray over, light a candle each night, Hell, I’ll even swing a dead chicken over my head the next full moon if it means my husband and friends will no longer laugh at me for being a fan of Twilight. Sweet Baby Jesus, please let New Moon not suck.

  • TheColdWoman

    Definitely joining the praying and fasting. I went to see Twilight 3 times in the theater but have only watched my DVD twice – once straight, once with commentary. I just can’t. I hate it a little bit more each time I watch it – probably because I love the books so much.

    I am SO 2nd-hand embarrassed by a LOT of the stuff in Twilight. (Spidermonkey, Da rain, A Worm!, the random screaming on the beach, Cold, wet, thing… I could go on…) I was super excited that CW was stepping in for the crazy coug and even though I was amongst those drooling over NM clips, I’m starting to wonder if the fault lies with MelMel. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Dr. Quinn and The OC, but “It’s my birthday, can I ask for something? … Kiss me” and “You’re my only reason for staying alive… if that’s what I am” along with the car dialogue and even some of after Bella falls off the motorcycle… Ugh. Maybe it’s the acting??? I’m still going to be there 11/20 but I don’t want to be 2nd hand embarrassed by NM!!

    • Cyn_TR

      I don’t like the car dialogue either!!! It doesn’t seem Alice-like. I hope this is like… the worst of what’s to come… if that makes sense. I do not want to be disappointed this time.

      If I don’t read New Moon again before then, do you think I’ll be able to forget the major things so that if the movie is flawed I’ll still be able to like it?

      Oh, and it is TOTALLY the acting!!! (KStew’s that is)

      • TheColdWoman

        I will not read NM again before the movie. I last read it in April. I have to give myself at least 6 months between books and their movie adaptations. The smaller the gap, the more I hate the movie!!

        • http://twitter.com/KatOfDiamonds KatOfDiamonds

          I totally agree with this ColdWoman. The 3rd Harry Potter movie proved this to me.

          I just re-read Twilight for the first time in May and then New Moon. So that is it for me until Jan 2010!

          Glad to hear someone else does this too =]

  • Cyn_TR

    Oh lord, finally a post trying to explain the lame excuse of a movie Twilight was.
    I choose to blame it on KStew. I mean, seriously, you had to stutter like that during the hospital scene?! In fact, I don’t think she was even acting during that movie, she was just being herself, but in dire circumstances. Her facial expressions… gah, I can’t even continue. I did not like her as Bella (though it didn’t stop me from watching it multiple times…)
    Another one to blame it on is Hardy, why’d she have to make them go on the trees?! I have to skip this scene every time I watch the movie. And what’s with the blue coloring? I hated that. It just made it seem… blah.
    MelMel tops the cake though. “I’m down with the kids” for real? Who says that?! Did she not have a whole book of lines to use?!

    A friend and I were going back and forth on things that could have made this movie better, one of them was more Bella voice overs. If I was someone that did not read the book when I saw that movie I would have been bored out of my mind. This movie just had a ton of moments that brought nothing, had Bella been saying something (aka narrations from the book) it would have made it better (or so we think).

    Anyways… I think Chris Weitz is amazing. He will rescue the series. Hardy as a director was the most horrid decision made with Twilight, and a bit of it extends to Stephenie allowing her to make some of this decisions… tree climbing anyone?

    P.S.: I read somewhere that WB was gonna buy the rights to Twilight before Summit. I think this would have been a better decision (although the whole track-star-Bella thing wouldn’t have worked, but if Steph had pushed hard enough they’d have changed their minds). I’m sure had Steph taken this Twilight would have been amazing, I mean, they did great with Harry Potter!

    PSS: Great Post!! Lol.

  • Colleen

    You know, I have been saying the exact same thing for months. Having read the books before seeing the movie, I was extremely hyped to see Twilight. And then I saw it. I loved it, was disappointed, and still euphoric. And then I saw it a second time, and suddenly the reality hit me. The writing sucked ass. As the screenwriter, she is supposed to bring this stuff to life, and what she did was slightly make it a mockery. Half the things Edward says would be stuff Edward wouldn’t say in a million years.

  • limeslice

    Just had to respond to the above comment ^^
    I do not think Kstew ruined the movie – if you watch as much behind the scenes stuff as I have, it seems apparent that they were so rushed (especially in the hospital scene) that the actors were often unhappy with the result.

    But, my original comment was going to be – I have always blamed MelMel, because Edward would NEVER say “you can Google it.” If she wrote that…that is all.

  • Jax

    I am also going to hope and fast and pray that Chris Weitz, unlike the Coug, actually has REASONING behind his directing choices. As an actor, I got SO PISSED when watching the commentary.

    To paraphrase:
    Rob: Who is that watching her? (in Port Angeles)
    Catherine: F*cked if I know.

  • Jaybird

    Can I just say that I loved it. The writing was not oscar worthy, but that’s the point right!? Very campy and silly! I hated the movie when I first saw it, but now that I have seen it 800,000 times I love it just because. I always hate a movie if I have read the book first. “La Push, baby …. its so La Push!” Come on that’s great stuff. Perfect ammo for LTT/LTR! If New Moon is going to be “oscar worthy” then what will we make fun of?!!

  • Jaybird

    “Melissa ROBsenberg” ha ha ha! We can fit ROB in anywhere! That’s what she said!

  • tiffany3482

    Im defending MelMel… it wasn’t her fault! it was all the coug’s fault, after reading the new moon script ( yes Im a horrible person) I have full faith in her writing abilities. plus i just watch twilight last night with the commentary and was reminded that the lamest lines were added by Hardie… I had to fast forward her talking in so many parts of the commentary she is annoying!
    Im pretty sure Chris won’t allow that kind of cheese in NM. He knows brad pitt (in mr and mrs smith with bradgelina).. and people who know brad pitt are not that kind of lame…. athankyou!

    • limeslice

      lol “people who know brad pitt are not that kind of lame” amen. plus i think cweitz is uber cool after finally seeing interviews from comic con. love him.

      • http://thebrowniequeen.blogspot.com/ Marta

        It’s the interviews. *sigh* That’s what did me in with Rob. :-)

  • http://twitter.com/KatOfDiamonds KatOfDiamonds

    This was a great post.

    After watching interviews with MelMel and reading about her resume my anti-Hardy for Twi kicked up a notch.

    Since I have been dazzled but the cool of Weitz, I think only time will tell if it was the fault of MelMel or Hardy…

    Let the 114 days of prayer commence.

    Sorry ladies, I enjoy food too much ;o)

  • jjsintx

    OK, I saw the movie before reading the books. I remember thinking they are rushing through so much, it really felt like nothing really flowed together, it felt like scenes were cut short…and I didn’t even know the story at the time, so I would have to blame that on the directing and editing. I think she left just enough to convey the love story…(it got me to read the books the very next day because I knew that there had to be so much more to this story – and I was right!!) I remember laughing at the cheesy music in certain scenes – telling my husband I could tell that this was made for teenagers!

    Anyway, after reading the saga and watching the DVD about 500 times now it is hard to telll who is at fault. I hate that they left out the “Do I dazzle you line” – I love that line in the book – it is the first time Bella admits anything to Edward about her feelings! And the whole dinner scene is entirely too short.

    And for the record I love Stephanie’s dialouge – I think it is what really draws us in as readers because it is just so easy the way her characters speak to each other. Can’t wait for NM and will also be praying daily for E&B’s hot reunion!! And can we see a little Volturi action already???

  • tinkrbe1l3

    i have faith in NM….yes the Alice/Bella car scene seemed off but i think it was heavily edited. I don’t think it will happen as fast…fast yes but more in the scene…especially when we see Edward. I also have faith in Melissa for NM. She admited in a Rotten Tomatoes interview (or Hitfix) that she wasn’t as connected to the book during Twilight as she was for NM. She admited to consulting with Stephenie more AND Chris also has stressed the importance of staying very close to the book in several interviews. I think they know more this time out…know the importance of THE BOOK. When I watched the clips and read the quotes given on the NM website, most of it is straight out of the books. I’m fasting and praying and keeping hope alive.

  • Kristin

    Preach sister! I have faith that NM will be better without Wacky Cathy, but at the same time MelMel needs to get her shizz together too. There were too many important things from the books, little things…that never made it into the movie. And I wanted more of the Cullen family. and Moon will agree with me when I say that the “your worth it” line that Jasper delivers…totally should have been there.

    • jjsintx

      I totally agree with wanting more Cullen family…we can only hope that we will get so much more of them in Eclipse! I hope we get all of their backstories – especially A&J in the diner “She was there – expecting me, naturally.” I Ahh! I love that scene! I really hope they don’t get cut out of the story!

      • jazzled

        I just want to say that if they screw up Eclipse and take out Jaspery goodness, bitches will be cut >:(

        • Kristin

          yes, I agree. imacutabitch if they don’t give them more lines.

          • jjsintx

            Who doesn’t want to see pre-vampire Jasper in his Confederate uniform on a horse?? I think I would love that scene…

          • jazzled

            “Who doesn’t want to see pre-vampire Jasper in his Confederate uniform on a horse?? I think I would love that scene…”

            oh man, I think I just hit the ground salivating. I’ve turned into a *really* bad Northerner because of this freaking series.

  • Bellasnemisis

    I think Hardy har har is to blame for a lot of the lameness that I lurve to quote on a regular basis. Weitz and Moon will be MUCH better. I just know it!

  • la_tessitore

    Coming out of lurkdom….

    I was randomly discussing this with my housemate a couple of days ago, after we saw the Comic Con clips, and I’d really like Chris Weitz to remake Twilight. Like, they go back after Breaking Dawn and just make the same film, same actors (well…maybe not KStew) and it would be a million times better.

    I blame Cathy, I think she’s a bit of a tryhard. On the other hand, she was necessary to case Rob because I suspect no other director would have considered him.

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      yes!!!! remake twilight! let’s start a petition!

      • http://twitter.com/KatOfDiamonds KatOfDiamonds

        have to say you bring up a great point.

        Rob is here because of the Cougar…

    • movingtoforks

      Tryhard!!! i love it!!!!

      but you do raise the most important point of the day…that the coug ‘discovered’ the rob. best. casting. ever.

  • http://onaspecialdiet.blogspot.com/ jocose

    “And I’m holding my eyes opened in preparation for them being closed in a three and 1/2 month prayer that MelMel figured out a way to best write the script so that Chris Weitz can represent those empty pages with just the names of the months listed when Bella is barely surviving visually and beautifully so that not a single sound is heard in any theater across the globe on November 20 other than the sound of heart-broken, sobbing Unicorns & women.”

    so beautiful…and my sentiments EXACTLY…lol

    i blame CH completely…love her…but shes crazy!

  • calliope

    “And I’m holding my eyes opened in preparation for them being closed in a three and 1/2 month prayer that MelMel figured out a way to best write the script so that Chris Weitz can represent those empty pages with just the names of the months listed when Bella is barely surviving visually and beautifully so that not a single sound is heard in any theater across the globe on November 20 other than the sound of heart-broken, sobbing Unicorns & women.”

    this is why i heart you. If this is not represented someway in as epic a manner as it was in the book (and by represented i mean I WANT IT EXACTLY THE SAME… ie flashes of the month name and THAT’S IT) i will throw something.

    i know rob has said before that he was so touched by that… and my God i hope he made it known that it needed to be there.

  • calliope

    we all know the epic BLAME i put on hardi for the wrongs of twilight. i don’t care what kind of crap budget you had… you had a decent script, a great source, and an intelligent cast. That talented cast has all but said you were a whack job of a director ad even though they tried to make it work and argued with you on certain things, you were too high on the chong to know what the eff was going on.

    i was thinking about this yesterday, as i watched twilight and discussed the things i would be grateful not to see in new moon because of the pruginingofhari and i’ve come to this conclusion:

    you can take the most talented athletes in the world, show them the best set plays evern, put them on the best field in the most amiable playing conditions with the best trainers in the world and yet if the coach can’t show them how to work together… how to utilize every aspect of thier environment and thier talent in a cohesive manner… they won’t be creating the most optimal performance of their game. yes it might have it’s shining moments do to individuals or burts of cohesion, but that coach needs to be on his/her game the entire time.

    hardi was not a good coach.

    word. calli.

    p.s. i hope this makes sense… i went to see a buch of sporting events this weekend and obviously this is how i related it to twilight. also… so weird that i was thinking this stuff that you wrote about today uc on sunday. it’s like i’m telepathic. call me freakin alice.

  • Ceri

    Blaming the Wicke all the way on this one – sorry CH, but it has to be said. Although I will say that it must be really hard for MelMel to translate cheesy romance lines from a book into decent movie dialogue that isn’t lamespice.

    I don’t think CH really knew where she was going in some the filming – remember the book store on the commentary? Rob asked if that was supposed to be Edward looking at Bella and CH had no idea who it’s supposed to be. Well there ya go – no clue, no direction, let’s just flit around and film whatever and call it an Indie film, yeah! ;)

    Spider monkey, Buttcrack Santa and his kitty meow song and the lame ass vampire piggy back speed were probably all the Wicke and pretty much make me cringe every time.

    The best vamp speed was when Edward opens Bella’s door, why couldn’t they do that for the other running parts and piggy back rides?

    I have my fingers crossed for NM. I did feel like the Italy car scene was flat with Bella and Alice, but I don’t think that’s the dialogue – it’s Stewie and her monotone acting. Hello, asking Edward to kiss you like you’re asking for the doctor to continue with the pap – show some freaking emotion! – Robward is about to kiss you! The Hubs saw the trailer and leaned over to tell me that he thinks NM will be way better – so score one for Mr. Ceri on that. Let’s hope we both aren’t disappointed.

  • robslioness

    Pure gold and brilliant observations, ladies. I just watched it last night and I must tell you, the biology scenes take on a whole new “air” once you’ve seen Twilight Farts….I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch it again with a straight face.

    I do have faith that Chris Weitz is going to bring it all up several levels and it will actually look like a “real” motion picture this time. Hopefully all the production aspects will have improved, including Ms. Rosenberg’s writing.

    C’mon November! In the meantime, go see Half Blood Prince again…excellent production values.

  • http://confessions-of-a-twilight-addict.blogspot.com Jen

    (plus all the money I spent on popcorn- b/c I can’t see a movie without out- seriously. Even if I just had popcorn for dinner, I’d still get popcorn in the theater)
    You are not alone! Love me some popcorn!
    Anyway, I really, really hope it was ‘the cougar’ who is resposible for the cheese-fest! It would seem that way by the way she behaves in all the BTS footage and commentary. When my husband caught some footage of her he was like, “Who is that!” When I told him it was the director he was like, “Figures. What a freak.”
    I too will fast for a better New Moon!

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