I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks, I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.
First of all there’s there two…
Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.
Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.
You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.
Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black
He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.
Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.
Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!
That chick in front of you is the new Victoria. Since you’re her new boytoy, I’m sure you heard a bit about the brouhaha that surrounded the sudden dismissal of Rachelle, the old Victoria, and the hiring of Opie’s daughter. Learn something from her situation: DON’T SCHEDULE ANYTHING during the filming of Eclipse!
The doofus next to you is Kellan, he plays the doofus Emmett! Typecasting rules, no? If you’re ever having impure thoughts and feel the need to “lay your burdens down,” this is your guy. He may even offer to give you his copy of the Purpose Driven Life and counsel you through this rough time. What a pal!
That hot chick to your left is our BFF, Ashley Greene, you might have been perusing the interwebs and saw some picture of her all nakey like. Just remember: her eyes are UP HERE!
This little slice of sunshine is Nikki Reed, aka Rosalie Hale aka one crazzzzy biotch. She’s on again, off again friends with KStew and sometimes ef buddy with Mr. Pattinson. Whatever you do don’t mention the terms “third wheel, ” “nepotism,” or “Paris Hilton” around her. TRUST! Oh and if you happen to have to kiss her or do any other sort of skin-to-skin contact make sure you get the Hep C vaccine… you never know where her boyfriend’s been. Well… actually we do.
The dude next to you is Peter Facinelli aka Carlisle, aka MIKE DEXTER!
This dude drives an RV and is married to Jenny Garth that chick from 90210. Ask your sister. Never bet this guy, you might end up dancing in a bikini on Hollywood Blvd and as much as we’d love to see that (ok, not really), I’m sure you’d like to continue being an actor.
AAANnnddd lastly (for today) this is Jackson Rathboner aka Jasper aka the dude who got screwed by the wig department in New Moon.
If he asks you to sit in on an impromptu jam session or come listen to his ‘garage band’ play some night in Vancouver, politely decline, feign food poisoning from catering, deafness, whatever you need to do but do NOT go! You may end up in a banana costume in the back of a 15 passenger van. And you do NOT want to be “Xavier the NEW bananager!”
So with these handy dandy tips you are on your way to becoming part of the Twilight phenomenon! Oh and HOLY CRAP YOU’RE HOT!!
See I could write a letter out of that!
PS So what would you tell Xavier about Twilight?
PPS dude, can we get a REAL picture of you, Xavier?!
UC and Rob text up a storm over at Letters to Rob
Wanna talk it out some more? Head over to the Forum for our daily discussion, some milfy good times for moms, all the best videos and anything else you can think of!
Pictures: Lainey, Twicrack, some other places I can’t remember
*edit, only took me till 330PST to realize i forgot poor jackson’s pics! HA! i rule at blogging*