For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

The Rules: (feel free to print these out, laminate and keep in your little black book you’ll be buying)

01. You need to invest in some sort of little black book which you will pass off as a diary or whatever because you’re emo and angsty and shiz they won’t ask, but in reality this is where you’ll keep all your information straight. Phone numbers, birthdays (if you’re with them long enough to need this information), hotel room numbers, topics of discussion, your calendar of events. You can’t be screwing up dates or having your assistant buy birthday gifts when there is no birthday.

02. Approach this as a military campaign.  Your schedule should be tight as a drum.  Your theoretical boyfriend and your theoretically former boyfriend should never cross paths.  Like a mother with a toddler, you should carry around a big bag with distracting treats so you can text or call the man you’re not with–Hot Pockets and incomprehensible novels for Rob, thrift-store plaid shirts and fake scripts for “the next big movie that’s perfect for you” for Mike.  Practice, in the mirror, an authentic reading of the line “we’re just friends, baby!”  (Hint: try not to blink or stutter while you say it–they’ll know you’re acting.)  – Freya

03. This is all about multi-tasking. We know you are capable of this. I mean, we’ve paid hard earned money to watch you blink, stutter and speak all at the same time.  And dude!  That business is harder than it looks.  So, you have a basic working knowledge of what I’m saying:

  • You’re out to dinner with Oregano.  He’s complimenting you on how smartly you’ve styled the mullet for a night out on the town….meanwhile….you’re texting Rob under the table, relaying, in excruciating detail, what you plan on doing to him later with merely your pinkie, and a can of cheeze whizz.  See what we did there?  Simplistic and efficient.  Utilize technology – Proslyte3
How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

04. Immediately give each boy his own ring tone on your cell….Secret Lover for Rob, perhaps? or maybe a little Lady Gaga Poker Face for Oregano? -vickyb

05. Oregano’s desperate.  The poor boy, bless his heart, hasn’t had a good job in ages.  You, Kristen, are his meal ticket, his sugar mama.  Around you, he’s back in the spotlight.  This means he will do anything – AN.Y.THING. – for you to keep you around.  So, my recommendation is to take advantage of that in the following ways:
Make him do all the shit you don’t want to do

  • drop off the dry cleaning, wash the car, clean the trailer, sign your headshots, respond to fanmail etc.
  • Force him to take a class in sensual massage.  Like I said, dude’s not working – you may as well put him to work on finding ways to please you. – Heyyyybrother

06. Hire a body double to handle those unavoidable scheduling conflicts.  Be sure she is willing to get a mullet haircut. They’ll never notice, they’re dudes after all - Tiffanized

07. They’ll want to take you out for dinners, lunches, coffee anything to be close to you. To make room for all this FREE food go to lunch with one and spend the afternoon together: work up an appetite (ifyouknowwhatimean), then after that “exercise” you’ll be ready to go to dinner with the other dude – HisOneandOnly

BUT remember:

08. Eating two or more dinners every night will turn you into a total cow.  As much as I’d like to see that, watching you waffle between the hottest man on earth and a condiment is even more entertaining, and I’d like to see it continue for as long as possible.  Learn the “hamster style cheek pack” technique so you can discreetly discard your uneaten food in the bushes on your way out of the restaurant – Tiffanized

09. Of course, you’re gonna need someone to act as an alibi and back your stories up… Lord knows Nikki Reed won’t have your back there because she’s still jealous.  Maybe Taylor?  He’s still young and innocent and pure of heart – he might actually buy your BS.  So always make sure Taylor can account for what you were doing so that Oregano doesn’t catch wind of WHO you were doing at a given time.  Just tell him you have a migraine or something and that you need to go lie down.  He doesn’t need to know that Rob’s going with you. – Heyyybrother

10. When you get caught–and you will–deny, deny, deny.  I don’t care what evidence they have, you just stammer and blink and say things like

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

They’ll give up the questions just to get you to stop.  No one can take more than ten seconds of that, trust. – Tiffanized

11. Or… if all of this sounds a little too complicated, there’s always option B: pitch the three-way love triangle.  Oregano’s jobless and desperate, and I think we all know how much Rob loves a bromance.  Hell, if you’d be willing to go even further and try out a love quadrangle (a reverse Big Love situation, if you will), you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.  Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it… Trust – Heyyybrother

So Kstew, with these simple guidelines you can juggle multiple men. We will get you through this, with our combined years of sluttiness experience. In the end you will be found out, because all good things must come to an end. But enjoy the “ride” while you can and if you pull this off you just might be my new favorite Lady Pimp Man Killer.

Did we miss any rules, do you think KStew is banging both of them?

A fellow Lady Pimp Man Killer,
Themoonisdown

PS big thanks to contributors: Tiffanized, Heeeyyybrother, HisOneandOnly, Freya, Pros3 and Vickyb. You guys brought the awesome!

Why are guys never depressed? UC explains it in Rob terms at LTR
Talk about this recent development over at the forum!

Source

  • http://myuberfablife.blogspot.com Jaydey17

    ROFL!
    xox

  • http://myuberfablife.blogspot.com Jaydey17

    ROFL!
    xox

    • aquiredtaste

      if she’s noy bangin them both it just gives yet another reason to hate her with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

      If you need a place for rob to hide while your Bf is in town then may I duggest my house? My fridge is stocked with hotpockets and beer. There is a lovely smoking porch out back and we even have a shiny new dumpster behind the shed for…..uh….. ya know…stuff.

      • http://neozubair.wordpress.com Zubair

        Why do u ppl hav grudges on this lil girl, I dont understand. KStews a smart one for sure..

  • http://www.twitter.com/_dharv HeyyyBrother

    You’re such a good egg, doing this for Kristen. Who can seriously say that we hate KStew around here after all these helpful morsels of wisdom we’ve just passed on?! We also love her enough for Spice Girl shout-outs – I mean COME ON.

    Also, love the subtle allusion to the Want up there. Oh, and I have a new girl crush, and her name is Tiffanized. Brilliant.

    • robsten4life

      Kristen Stewart Wants It… it’s a known fact and apparently she gets a lot of it…

  • http://www.twitter.com/_dharv HeyyyBrother

    You’re such a good egg, doing this for Kristen. Who can seriously say that we hate KStew around here after all these helpful morsels of wisdom we’ve just passed on?! We also love her enough for Spice Girl shout-outs – I mean COME ON.

    Also, love the subtle allusion to the Want up there. Oh, and I have a new girl crush, and her name is Tiffanized. Brilliant.

    • robsten4life

      Kristen Stewart Wants It… it’s a known fact and apparently she gets a lot of it…

    • http://tiffanized.wordpress.com tiffanized

      Woman, “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst” was breathed from the mouth of God Hisself. If you weren’t already married to KSWI Jordan, I’d be down on one knee asking for your hand in fake lesbian marriage.

      • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com/search/label/TwilightRehab Alice – Not an Addikt

        I am eternally grateful to you for leaning me about the “hamster style cheek pack” technique. I’ve been applying it to my high-caloric food all day. LTT even helps you to lose weight, what’s not to love…

    • themoonisdown

      you KNOW kstew was a spice girls fan. that was SO her generation

    • http://www.twitter.com/_dharv HeyyyBrother

      Someone gave me a thumbs down! What’s wrong? Not a Spice Girl’s fan? Not a fan of our “wisdom”? Not a fan of my girl crush on Tiffanized?! Meanie!

  • natashadushi

    Can’t write….laughing…pain in my belly, can’t see…gasping for air while laughing and holding my belly. O M G hilarious!!! Nice post btw

  • natashadushi

    Can’t write….laughing…pain in my belly, can’t see…gasping for air while laughing and holding my belly. O M G hilarious!!! Nice post btw

    • vanneCullenLutz

      so AGREE!! just HILARIOUS!! good job!!

  • krazykidd

    I just don’t see the appeal…call me a hater or whatever but i TRULY don’t see the appeal…she looks like a 12yo boy with a bad haircut…AND she has the personality of a wet mop…she’s just so bleh…anyway I was cracking up while reading this!! Awesome ‘tips’ btw!! LMAO :D

    • sassysmart

      HATER!!!!!!!!

      ♥ u!

  • krazykidd

    I just don’t see the appeal…call me a hater or whatever but i TRULY don’t see the appeal…she looks like a 12yo boy with a bad haircut…AND she has the personality of a wet mop…she’s just so bleh…anyway I was cracking up while reading this!! Awesome ‘tips’ btw!! LMAO :D

    • sassysmart

      HATER!!!!!!!!

      ♥ u!

      • krazykidd

        I only ‘hate’ on her… ;) LOL

    • themoonisdown

      get ready to meet tammyo at the gates of HALE!

    • kellyjohnson85

      I <3 you for that comment. Truly, I do. I thought I was the only one who still felt that way. You may be my new hero.

  • BRUMMIELOVER

    Dear Kristen,

    If it is all true..I just wanna say..I heart you BIG! and will be in total awe of you!

    Brummie

  • BRUMMIELOVER

    Dear Kristen,

    If it is all true..I just wanna say..I heart you BIG! and will be in total awe of you!

    Brummie

  • nearly22

    I use #5 on my boyfriend daily.

    I am always telling him that he could never get another gf as hot as me at his advanced age (22).

    We have been together 6 years so I guess it’s working.

    ; )

  • nearly22

    I use #5 on my boyfriend daily.

    I am always telling him that he could never get another gf as hot as me at his advanced age (22).

    We have been together 6 years so I guess it’s working.

    ; )

  • pange1223

    “you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst. Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it”

    O.M.G. Can’t.stop.laughing.

    You have such a big heart, Moon, for helping a mullet-wearing sistah out.

  • pange1223

    “you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst. Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it”

    O.M.G. Can’t.stop.laughing.

    You have such a big heart, Moon, for helping a mullet-wearing sistah out.

    • themoonisdown

      i know!! i should get some kind of peace prize for this!! NOBEL here i come!

  • JodieO

    And KStew, when you’re all done with the boys and you are feeling a little vindictive and want to spill every last detail… please come sit next to us.

  • JodieO

    And KStew, when you’re all done with the boys and you are feeling a little vindictive and want to spill every last detail… please come sit next to us.

  • gizmo

    About three things I was absolutely certain:

    1. She has a mullet.
    2. Rob and Oregano are her bitches.
    3. I unconditionally and irrevocably hate her ass.

    • krazykidd

      YOU WIN!!!!! That is all!!! :D LMAO

  • gizmo

    About three things I was absolutely certain:

    1. She has a mullet.
    2. Rob and Oregano are her bitches.
    3. I unconditionally and irrevocably hate her ass.

    • krazykidd

      YOU WIN!!!!! That is all!!! :D LMAO

    • Rubytuesday

      Love it…..good to know I’m not the only one suffering from jealously……..

      • gizmo

        No, you most definitely are not. :)

    • SaritaPagita

      Hardest I have laughed all day. I am crying Gizmo! Crying! And I put on bottom liner with Dior mascara. Totally worth it tho!! Brill!

      • gizmo

        Glad I made you laugh. Screw Dior! :)

    • themoonisdown

      about ONE thing i am sure of: you are WIN!

    • Kristen

      *on one knee*

      Gizmo, will you fake marry me?

      • gizmo

        I will fake marry you.

  • Cyndi

    You girls are outrageous! ROFLMAO…No sleep so God help you all…

    Rule# 12: DO NOT USE POST-ITS…can forget to date/toss.

    Rule# 13: Make a huge list of sexy nicknames that you can call on when confused…men are not that bright anyway especially when your talking dirty!

    Rule #14: Divide Vancouver in half and color code. Red for Rob (of course) Green for Oregano (no explanation needed) ! Keep them in their zones!!

    Rule#15: Color code the calendar…same principle..see Rob on Red days/ Oregano on Green!

    Lastly, when you get caught and YOU WILL, feel free to borrow from me….”Damn, fell and hit my today while filming, Who are you and what am I doing here?” As a matter of fact, I will volunteer to be your coach…

    • sassysmart

      Are you sure you hit your head Cyndi? Cause Rule #13 is advanced Lady Pimp…and I am happy to see that you haven’t lost THAT skill!!

      I ♥ You!!!

      • Cyndi

        Heart you right back!! Sassy!!! Made my day as usual…

        Frantically trying to find the quickest way to ship myself a new Twilight DVD…thought those things were indistructable???? Instead I get msg…ERROR READING DISC….WTF….1st time since it came out I have not watched it and I now am all off balance…oh wait…I’m that way everyday….. :)

    • BHBabe

      Shouldn’t Robs color be plaid?

  • Cyndi

    You girls are outrageous! ROFLMAO…No sleep so God help you all…

    Rule# 12: DO NOT USE POST-ITS…can forget to date/toss.

    Rule# 13: Make a huge list of sexy nicknames that you can call on when confused…men are not that bright anyway especially when your talking dirty!

    Rule #14: Divide Vancouver in half and color code. Red for Rob (of course) Green for Oregano (no explanation needed) ! Keep them in their zones!!

    Rule#15: Color code the calendar…same principle..see Rob on Red days/ Oregano on Green!

    Lastly, when you get caught and YOU WILL, feel free to borrow from me….”Damn, fell and hit my today while filming, Who are you and what am I doing here?” As a matter of fact, I will volunteer to be your coach…

    • sassysmart

      Are you sure you hit your head Cyndi? Cause Rule #13 is advanced Lady Pimp…and I am happy to see that you haven’t lost THAT skill!!

      I ♥ You!!!

      • Cyndi

        Heart you right back!! Sassy!!! Made my day as usual…

        Frantically trying to find the quickest way to ship myself a new Twilight DVD…thought those things were indistructable???? Instead I get msg…ERROR READING DISC….WTF….1st time since it came out I have not watched it and I now am all off balance…oh wait…I’m that way everyday….. :)

        • sassysmart

          LOL! :-)

          LADIES!!! We have a Twi-mergency!!! We need a DVD STAT!

          I think that error message happens when you play the movie too much…so you need multiple copies for backup.

          Totally normal!

          • Cyndi

            Sassy…for shame….(watching too much) !!!! How could you even say such a thing!!! LMAO….yes I ADMIT to watching at least once a day (alright perhaps 2-3) since the day it came out…but to just stop working??? …tried reading the book but w/o the movie..couldn’t do it!! :( Thus the reason for no sleep…I did however get my post-its reorganized….but feeling deep depression setting in just knowing my DVD is broken…:( Definately in crisis mode!!!

        • absolutelyvlc

          maybe the run-away missing chicken scratched it!

          • Cyndi

            That damn chicken!!! If it had at least half a brain I would have realized when the hubs asked about having pizza (which he doesn’t even like) that I didn’t have to fess up about what I thought was the missing chicken!!! I should have just said “Great order up”…but nooo dip shit (that would be me) blurts out that I have torn the house apart looking for a freakin chicken that I didn’t remember eating the NIGHT BEFORE!!!!

          • HeyyyBrother

            @Cyndi – better to just fess up then and get it over with, I say. Otherwise, wouldn’t you just end up torturing yourself with the elusive missing chicken day in and day out? And that would be terrible – I would hate for you to have to go another day thinking you’ve lost a chicken!

          • Cyndi

            @HeyyyBrother…..The one advantage and the only one is that I don’t have any sense of time/space etc., ( (which is why I screwed up the chicken in the first place…The post it that I read said “take chicken out of freezer” so I thought that I had…when in fact it was from the day before…chicken out/cooked/eaten….then I slept and didn’t remember…saw the post it and thought it was for yesterday..thus the hunt was on ) soooo after I sleep most all of the day before is gone….you following ANY of this???? Even when I don’t sleep like last night…I lose chunks of the day …makes life very interesting to say the least!!!

          • absolutelyvlc

            (I”m not sure this reply will show up AFTER the last one, Cyndi, but if it doesn’t I’m responding the fact that you lose chunks of the day after sleeping).

            There’s another advantage I can think of – every time you see Rob’s face, even if you’ve seen the picture a million times, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach-oh-my-gosh-he-is-DEVINE feeling like it’s the first time you’ve ever seen him. :D

    • BHBabe

      Shouldn’t Robs color be plaid?

      • Cyndi

        Oh man…your SO right…I warned you no sleep….but now that I think of it…..too complicated for KStew anyway…have to keep it simple!

      • Cyndi

        @absolutelyvlc…oh so very true…that is why watching the movie everyday is like watching it for the first time!!! I am so desperate to replace my broken DVD….trying to figure out a way to disquise myself, sneak out of the house….omg scary…chills…and stealing the car….oh yah..no license…(minor detail) and go to WalMart…I am that desperate….I wonder if you forget how to drive?? Is it like riding a ………….bike??? Of course the last time I tried driving (long long time ago) I not only got to the store and didn’t know what I was doing there so decided to leave but couldn’t find my car…lol…luckily my daughter/husband came looking and found me…needless to say haven’t driven since. LOL!! They have a Big note on key rack that says NO DRIVING….no joke!!!

        • absolutelyvlc

          amazon dot com baby!!!!

          (by the way, I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry at your “drove to the store and forgot what I was doing there, then forgot where I put the car” story -but I’m gonna go with a little giggle cuz you LOL’ed and it’s a love giggle)

          • Cyndi

            I HAVE to laugh at these things…the storys I could tell…sometimes I read my journals and I’m not sure whether or not to laugh or cry….so I almost always choose laughing!!! :)

            The problem w/ getting over the internet is it takes sooo long….especially w/ my time issues…what may only be 2-3 days could seem like a month to me…..and I have such a routine of reading/watching it everyday…ahhh so complicated…. :) still laughing…

      • themoonisdown

        “Shouldn’t Robs color be plaid?”

        AMAZING!!! could you imagine her color coding furiously in her little black book with like 4 highlighters to make it plaid?!

    • SassyPants

      Woman – I about fell off my chair laughing over #13. Just goes to show you once you’ve got mojo, you can’t lose it!

      • Cyndi

        Believe me Sassy….the mojo got lost w/that freakin chicken….been sleeping on the couch for THREE years….

        • SassyPants

          It’s still there, babe, just hidden!

          • Cyndi

            Ahhh thanks Sassy….but good news I am in fact back to sleeping w/ “Blanket Rob”..BTW .(my dog had the nerve to throw up on him today!! Could it be that her name is Annabelle but as I was recently told I have been calling her Bella….didn’t even realize it as she came to me anyway…) I personally think its a sign…Kristen has made her feelings known….just a thought…
            Also, I did wash “Blanket Rob”…in case you were wondering… hey how come you didn’t volunteer for my late night reading??? I figured you’d be the first to reply!! LMAO

  • robsten4life

    Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
    We should not be together
    But we can’t let go, no, no
    ‘Cause we love each other so

    Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
    Tryin’ so hard to hide the way we feel
    ‘Cause we both belong to someone else
    But we can’t let go
    ‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
    So real, so real

    You and me, are we friends
    Is this cool or do we care
    Can they tell what’s in our minds
    Maybe they’ve had secret loves all of the time

    In the middle of making love we notice the time
    We both get nervous ‘cause it’s way after nine
    Even though we hate it, we know it’s time that we go
    We gotta be careful so that no one will know

    LMAO, so fitting as a ringtone for Rob

  • robsten4life

    Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
    We should not be together
    But we can’t let go, no, no
    ‘Cause we love each other so

    Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
    Tryin’ so hard to hide the way we feel
    ‘Cause we both belong to someone else
    But we can’t let go
    ‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
    So real, so real

    You and me, are we friends
    Is this cool or do we care
    Can they tell what’s in our minds
    Maybe they’ve had secret loves all of the time

    In the middle of making love we notice the time
    We both get nervous ‘cause it’s way after nine
    Even though we hate it, we know it’s time that we go
    We gotta be careful so that no one will know

    LMAO, so fitting as a ringtone for Rob

    • TwiBunny

      Why did the song start out being sung, some how turned into Kellan rapping it through an open window while Rob and KStew do the dirty deed and Oregano bangs on the door?

      Sometimes I worry about myself.

      Secret lover is the best song!!! I have always wanted to use it during my lady pimpage. At last, I have not had the chance.

    • Von

      Too funny! The song I thougt of was “If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”. How old are we?

      Seriously, though, I really don’t get how she can string two guys along. I don’t know any man that wants to be the second bannana, if you get my drift. Don’t either one of these fools have any pride?

      She must be really… um… FLEXIBLE. (And she obviously hasn’t given birth to 10 pound babies, the hag!)

      • SassyPants

        Von – love ya! It’s time to even the playing field a bit…just give her 10+ years and a few kids causing the need for kegels and we’re golden.

  • Elizabeth

    WIN! This post was amazing and I’d love to see the look on everyone’s face if Oregano was actually in the Couve, that would be an epic win. I’ve always liked Oregano, thought he looked kinda cute in a few pics and they look like a cute couple in my opinion but yeah KStew when your done with them hit me up, I want some deets!

  • Elizabeth

    WIN! This post was amazing and I’d love to see the look on everyone’s face if Oregano was actually in the Couve, that would be an epic win. I’ve always liked Oregano, thought he looked kinda cute in a few pics and they look like a cute couple in my opinion but yeah KStew when your done with them hit me up, I want some deets!

  • BHBabe

    Laughing so hard it hurts!

    Addition to #1: it’s important to mark up the diary with who was “it” on which day/time just in case you have to figure it out later, if you know what it mean … “accidents” do happen and you wouldn’t want to tell the wrong guy “happy fathers day”.

    • sassysmart

      Welcome to the Maury Povich Show!!

      You’re the daddy! And you’re the daddy! And you’re the daddy!

  • BHBabe

    Laughing so hard it hurts!

    Addition to #1: it’s important to mark up the diary with who was “it” on which day/time just in case you have to figure it out later, if you know what it mean … “accidents” do happen and you wouldn’t want to tell the wrong guy “happy fathers day”.

    • sassysmart

      Welcome to the Maury Povich Show!!

      You’re the daddy! And you’re the daddy! And you’re the daddy!

  • MrsKowski

    Wow …you girls sure seem to know what your talking about *scratches chin in wonder* hmm ….lol

    This is Kristen we’re talking about right? I am sure both boys know about each other and she has probably told them to work out the scheduling details themselves! She is BadAss like that ;) ha ha

  • MrsKowski

    Wow …you girls sure seem to know what your talking about *scratches chin in wonder* hmm ….lol

    This is Kristen we’re talking about right? I am sure both boys know about each other and she has probably told them to work out the scheduling details themselves! She is BadAss like that ;) ha ha

    • BRUMMIELOVER

      TRUE STORY!

    • themoonisdown

      no joke! while she went out to lunch. on THEIR dime.

  • A

    OHMYGOD this is one funny post!!

    “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.” – quote of the day?

    I can’t convey how much respect I would have for KStew if this was all true. I pray to the Rob-Gods it is.

    As always, LTT wins.

  • A

    OHMYGOD this is one funny post!!

    “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.” – quote of the day?

    I can’t convey how much respect I would have for KStew if this was all true. I pray to the Rob-Gods it is.

    As always, LTT wins.

  • sassysmart

    If all else fails she can always refer to the great motivational speaker, Eddie Murphy, and tell them each “It wasn’t me”…

    Oregano/Rob – “But I SAW you coming out of his room!!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “You are wearing his boxers!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “The paps have a sex tape of the two of you!!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “Well…ok, maybe it wasn’t you”

    DENY, DENY, DENY!!!

  • sassysmart

    If all else fails she can always refer to the great motivational speaker, Eddie Murphy, and tell them each “It wasn’t me”…

    Oregano/Rob – “But I SAW you coming out of his room!!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “You are wearing his boxers!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “The paps have a sex tape of the two of you!!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “Well…ok, maybe it wasn’t you”

    DENY, DENY, DENY!!!

    • robsten4life

      Ok all I could think of reading this comment was the Shaggy song “It wasn’t me”

      But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
      Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me)
      I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me)
      She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me)

      • sassysmart

        The song was inspired by the great Eddie’s inspirational words.

        I learned that on Google.

        • robsten4life

          LMAO… good to know, you learn something new every day

      • vixb

        hahahah The Shaggy Song…me too!

        • vixb

          Also… Remember “It’s NOT a LIe if you believe IT!”

    • themoonisdown

      i was about to say isnt this a shaggy song too?!

      god that crap will be stuck in my head ALL day now. taking the place of we are the rob

  • lapushbaby

    Sassysmart, you are so right, the first rule of Slutdom is Deny, Deny Deny.

    not that I would know anything about that.

    • sassysmart

      Nope, nothing.

      • Cyndi

        How do you think I keep the hubs in line…???? “Don’t mess with me, I could hurt you and get away with it, brain damaged ya know”….(even got a med card that says so lol) …. “honestly officer I have NO IDEA where he is and I can’t remember the last time I saw him”

        • sassysmart

          BWAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!

          Like my sign on our pasture gate:

          “If no one knows you’re here, no one will know you are buried in the back yard”

          LMAO!!

          • Cyndi

            LMAO….used to use that one on potential boyfriends coming to date the girls… The hubs would also use the line….” You better treat them right cause I’ve been in jail before and I have no problem going back”….. He WAS lying about being in jail..lol…but we’ll keep that part a secret…still have 3 single daughters… :)

        • Von

          You are EVIL, but in a GOOD way! Wonder if I could get away with it?

  • bobbygee

    This is very funny. I like the waffle. That sounds good. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • Holly

      I’ll say it today: Heart you, bobbygee.

    • themoonisdown

      waffles are big daddy and under armour guy! wrong day bobby!

  • obird

    OMG…if this is really happening she is my new HERO!!!

    Kristen…honey…a monumental task has been placed in your lap….DON’T EFF IT UP!!! Read above post and recite these tips to yourself daily….they are now your new mantra! Listen, this can be EXTREMELY successful with just a little planning. Take a tip from the ultimate “first wife Barb from Big Love”….all you need is a little organization. Just make sure your little black book has a calendar in it and set up a sex schedule. Just tell the boys you are turning over a new leaf and need to be more “regimented” with your “alone” time to get into character and voila….instant time to sex it up with two men!! Even set up “alarm reminders” in your iphone….don’t worry Rob will have no idea what that is all about…..he uses a Jitterbug phone for God’s sake…..and well Oregano….he seems to be completely occupied with the Green Santa, so no worries there either. Just remember…..we are counting on you….DON’T EFF IT UP!!!

    xo

    obird

  • HeyyyBrother

    One tip that I neglected to mention last night:

    Do not, under any circumstances, declare your relationship status on facebook. Because, as we all know, once it’s on facebook, that shit is legit and there’s no “oooh… I didn’t know we were exclusive?” when Oregano catches her in a quickie behind the dumpster with Rob. So leave it blank, put up “It’s Complicated” for a little added mystery, or say you’re “In a Relationship with Nikki Reed” and have a good fake lezzie laugh about it.

    • obird

      Major. WIN.

    • lapushbaby

      I’m married and I don’t even have my relationship status up on FB.

  • Holly

    I can imagine the next “This is how you found us?” post with phrases like “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.” We should get some interesting visitors to LTT soon. Good job for broadening the reader base, HeyyyBrother!

    Awesome post as always, ladies!

    • http://www.twitter.com/_dharv HeyyyBrother

      hahaha I shudder to think the clientele I’ll be bringing in with that line… yikes.

  • Proselyte3

    Dude, I wish I had (at nineteen) the benefit of having ‘seasoned’ mentors to help me navigate the waters of (stringing boys along) love. It brings a tear to my eye to see the torch being passed. *sniff*

    • themoonisdown

      seriously we need to start holding classes. kstew can be our first student and will give us testimonials after we get her through this

      • Proselyte3

        Praise Reports…Heeeeeey!

  • SassyPants

    Damn, woke up the other morning and wondered when I turned into a mid-30s mother of two. If only I had a mullet; just think of the possibilities.

    • vixb

      If only indeed. If we had a mullet and all this knowledge combined we LTR/LTT girls could possible rule the world.

      • SassyPants

        Wait…we don’t rule the world?

        • Proselyte3

          I can come over and cut your hair?

          • SassyPants

            Hot damn! I’m telling Rob…I mean my husband that he’s getting lucky tonight.

  • Pinky

    No lie…if this is even remotely true, everything I hate about Kristen will be forgotten…even that atrocious rat orgy, festering on her head. She would be my ambassador of all things badass.

  • Jenn

    :D I should pass these rules along…

    I’ve got plenty of lady pimp friends.

    xx :]

  • http://sparklefortwilight.blogspot.com sft

    LMAO I never would have thought “lady pimp” and “sugar mama” could be used in the same sentence as Kstew–”man killer” maybe–another thumbs up!

  • Katie S

    Hahahah!

    Oh man, I’ve never had the pleasure of stringing two (or three or four) boys along! I’m so jealous. I might buy a black book just for the hell of it. It’ll contain the numbers of my Mom and my cats’ vet.

    • themoonisdown

      HAHAHAAH get those vets color coded. stat. they cant know about conflicting appts

  • vixb

    Uh…I vote for #11! That.Is.All.

    • HeyyyBrother

      It might be my fantasy come true, which is why I’m thrilled to be able to share it with all the ladies on here. Quadrangle, FTW!

  • Tasha

    Another WIN for the day. Bringin the funny for me while im at the JOB.

    <3 your faces

  • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

    Confession Moon:
    last night when I said “OMG AMAZING POST” I meant the first two paragraphs were amazing- cuz I didn’t read the rest. I was too sleepy..

    But I really mean it now. AMAZING POST.

    I died. Pros? Tiff? Hey Bro? I knew the others were funny.. but dannngg you guys killed me

    and the COMMENTS. This day is a good day

    x

    • themoonisdown

      biotch! now ill have to be like ‘did you read the WHOLE thing?’

      ahahaha

      i gave you a thumbs down ;)

  • Kristin

    OH MAN, you guys brought the funny! This is awesome. Freya, I love your idea of little bag of tricks. Boys are easily distracted and we shall always play on that weakness!

    You all made me laugh out loud today…and I may or may not be taking notes because when Rob and I are together and my husband won’t divorce me…well, I will need options. hahahahaha!

    • kathi

      I would be very impressed with kstew, if she was really pulling this off…Almost like her, even. Got to respect someone who can walk away from Rob, to be with someone else.
      I was thinking the exact same thing, about using some of these rules on my husband and Rob, especially the one where you assign sexy nicknames. Wouldn’t want to call someone by the wrong name, in a “passionate” moment.

      UC and Moon rule

      xo

  • MrsCliveHandjob

    #16- Promise them they will be the first to personally see your new stripper moves from ‘Welcome to the Rileys”.

  • Becca West

    GREAT post today!!! Biggest high five. EVER. You spice up my life.

  • Jaybird

    When you call Oregano “Mike”, I just keep thinking, Mike, Mike who? Mike Newton?

    My two worlds have officially collided! The real world and my twi world! Go Kristen or Bella or whatever the hell your name is!

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