The mistakes of Twilight
Thank you so much for your congratulations & sweet words regarding our 10 month anniversary yesterday. We have a confession that we’d like to share in the form of “texts from last night” between Moon & UC:
Text from Moon: “Just wrapped up my ’10 month anniversary/10 things I love about Twi’ post- getting in bed- wouldn’t it be funny if we calculated wrong and our 10 month anniversary is next week?”
Text from UC: “We’d look like the biggest idiots”
Text from Moon: “Umm…. I just calculated. Can you double check my math”
Text from UC: “Yep. Just double checked.
Happy 9 month anniversary”
Oops. I know we seem perfect, but we’re not. For example, we miss things. Once there was a picture of Big Daddy with a dabble of ketchup down the front of his shirt. We missed an opportunity to photo-shop him in a Heintz ketchup ad. And one time Moon said “I bet it’s hard to be Jacob Black” and I forgot to say “that’s what she said.” It’s hard to be perfect all the time. We try. But we sometimes fail. Even we make mistakes.
So in honor of our 9 month anniversary (yesterday) and to continue our new fond love of making lists, here are 9 mistakes from the Twilight world:
1. The Bandslam & PUSH previews on the Twilight DVD
(that you cannot fast forward through- bastards) Summit thought they were being sneaky, making us watch those previews before we got to see Robward’s beautiful face. Little did they know that I just made copies of the DVD, got rid of the previews and sold them illegally on the black market. In your Face Summit. Just kidding. What I really did was press Play; Go make some popcorn; Pour myself some bubbly; Walk back into the room; Groan that Vanessa Hudgens was STILL on the screen; Go pee; Put on my PJs; Come back. Movie time. In your face, Summit.
2. Edward’s taste of music, clothing & bedding in the books
WestFriend: Why did Stephenie make Edward so lame when it comes to music taste. Umm…hi. He hates the 60’s and 70’s? The BEST time for music ever? And he LOVES the 50’s and some of the 80’s? It has bothered me so bad.
Moon: SMeyer is an enigma. Cause the 60s ruled the music scene. But the real questions are: Why does she make Edward wear sleeveless button ups and have black and gold brocade bedding?? These things I’ve never understood.
3. Including Perry Farrell and Collective Soul on the Soundtrack
It’s clear from your marketing that you are unaware that anyone other than 12 to really immature 15 1/2 year olds like the Twilight saga, so why in the world would you force Alexandra Patsavas (who made Death Cab for Cutie & Imogen Heap household names, so I know it wasn’t her doing) to include an old washed up rocker looking for a comeback & a band that no one has thought of since 1995 on the soundtrack?
4. The EW magazine cover that ended the careers of a photographer & editor
And if the photographer & editors weren’t fired, they should’ve been- or maybe even hung. Who told them Twilight was about methed-up teen addicts who sell their last piece of food- an apple- to buy enough meth so they could ceremoniously commit a joint suicide/OD and spend eternity together listening to Collective Soul? EW Fail
Follow the jump for the rest of the mistakes!
5. Bella’s trendy outfits
LTR friends Brooke, Marta & StageManageThis had a heated debate about this ‘mistake.’ Coincidentally they were sitting at Pacific Pizza in Forks. Or maybe not so coincidentally. Cuz I hear Forks kinda blows in the food-area, and if you’re looking for Pizza in Forks, Pacific Pizza is probably your only option. Brooke argued that Bella was a bit too fashionable in the movie, especially towards the end. She says, “Book Bella wore simple shirts- she was more of a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl. She’s supposed to dress simply- no big jewelry, no romantic tops (other than the blue blouse – which reminds me that no teenager actually says blouse). By Summit making Bella fashionable rather than plain, they ended up pushing the limits with Alice, who looks like a closet threw up on her.”
6. The Death of a fake-lesbianship
Oh Kristen. Oh Nikki. How could you? You had such a beautiful thing. All the hand-holding, the skipping, the smiling. Now it’s Nikki working out 24/7 with a new woman on her arm & Kristen method acting like a rocker, mullet-ed real lesbian. I miss the days when you acted like the girls from T.A.T.U. and made us laugh with your innocent giggles, cutesy matching clothes & shoes and shared love of the marijuana leaf. Things will never be the same…… Never….
7. The almost re-casting of Jacob Black
While Michael Copon might be legal in states other than Georgia & his washboard abs are not a sore site for the eyes, this dude is not Jacob & the fact that he was considered as a replacement for even a second is a Twilight mistake bigger than Bella wearing a khaki skirt when she meets the Cullen’s for the first time (seriously Steph? khaki? Where’d she find it? Old Navy stopped making those in ’96) We will forever be in debt to Chris Weitz for keeping Taycob in the picture and providing us with ample opportunity for Chris Hansen to knock upon our doors.
8. Killing off Buttcrack Santa
It might seem more appropriate to call the introduction of Buttcrack Santa a Twilight mistake, but no! I’d never think that. Buttcrack Santa will be forever embedded in our minds as a icon- a pillar of the Forks made-up community. And as pointed out one time by a beautiful commenter who called Moon & I “stupid idiots” for not knowing that Buttcrack Santa is a type of beer, his ‘play-on-words’ name is further proof of Summit not knowing their audience. In addition to thinking only 12 to really immature 15 1/2 year olds love the Twilight series, apparently they also think their 70something creepy, old next door neighbors who still have boxes of a discontinued beer from the Korean War days, will love the movie as well. All I know is that we will truly miss our ol’ friend, his buttcrack, the little bottles (filled with Buttcrack Santa beer? He died, so we’ll never be able to ask him) and his songs about mamas & kitties. RIP, Buttcrack Santa. RIP*
9. The Midnight Sun Leak
I saved the worst for last. This was a dark day for Twilight fans. Well, it was a light day for 12 chapters and 6 hours while I ignored household chores, my husband & stayed in my PJs with my lap top in my bed, but afterwards…. ohhh the agony! Sometimes I wish I never read it. How could it end right before the Meadow scene? Is Steph trying to kill us with the anticipation? And THEN the drama that happened after….. the letter from Stephenie, her later saying she was kinda kidding about the letter and then all these months that have followed. All these months without knowing what Edward thinks. What does he really think when he sees Bella in that khaki skirt? Or is he the one who snuck it into her dresser drawer after he found it in the Cullen house basement in a tub marked “Clothes Alice bought from Old Navy outlet store as an act of kindness so no one would ever be caught in public wearing them?” We’ll never know. Or maybe we will but we’ll have to wait, praying every day that Stephenie decides to share with us the rest of her brilliant story about Edward. Stephenie: I have to confess I recently read the fanfiction The Office. This is how I am now picturing Edward. I will forever picture Edward this way unless you give me back virginal Edward in the form of a finished book. I mean it. Your Edward doesn’t do Bella on the top of his desk. The Edward currently in my mind does. If you don’t like that. Fix it.
What “mistakes” did I miss from Twilight? There are SO many…!
Also, Moon & I laughed SO hard when we realized OUR big mistake. We realized it early yesterday morning… so we had to read your comments all day about our 10 month anniversary, bracing for someone to do the math and call us out in the comments! I’m take total blame for the counting mistake. But I’m gonna blame it on Summit. Cuz it’s fun. And That’s Normal.
*Someone did call us stupid idiots for not knowing that Buttcrack Santa is a beer. Apparently Google is also a stupid idiot, because they’re unaware that it’s a beer too. I totes made up the part about the Korean War but like to believe it’s true. I have a fond vision in my mind of handsome sailors sippin’ on a cold Buttcrack Santa in the canteen, chowing down on kimchee.
Tags: , Alexandra Patsavas, Bandslam, beer, bella swan, Buttcrack Santa, collective soul, edward cullen, Entertainment Weekly, fake lesbians, jacob black, Kristen Stewart, LTT, michael copon, Midnight Sun, Nikki Reed, perry farrell, Push, Stephenie Meyer, Taylor Lautner, Twilight, twilight dvd, Twilight Soundtrack