You know one of our favorite things to do is ramble on about Twilight and Rob and have extended chats about everything in the twi-world which we dubbed “Breaking it down Vanity Fair style” in homage to our very first chat of this nature that spurred the creation of this blog. SOOOO when the new trailer came out Sunday night and after many folks requested we break it down, here we are BREAKIN’ IT DOWN for you! And as usual it devolves into a chat about something completely different but yet oddly related to Twilight. So since this is a loooong one… grab a cocktail (or a diet coke) and settle in as UC, Calli and I break this shiz down!
UGGGGhhh uuhhh AHHH!!
(refresh yo memory… as if you need it)
The one where Bella second guesses this whole thing…
Moon: ok burning daylight, lets hit it
Moon: i love that because cathy was so fail and didn’t include some of the volturi legend they have to do all this backtracking… “the volturi?! who’s that?! they have LAWS??” Yea you should have known that from the last book Bella.
UC: wasting chris weitz’ precious time
Calliope: she’s all like HOLD UP BACKUP
UC: and while youre at it.. who is buttcrack santa again? This changes EVERYTHING!
Calliope: wtf didn’t you tell me about this LAST TIME
UC: I wouldn’t’ have fallen in love with you had I known about the Volturi! Carlisle is HOW OLD? Dude? I’m crushing on you’re 300something year old dad?
Moon: I’m not sure I wanna date you now Edward, is that Newton kid still down?
Calliope: I bet Edward says.. “Second thoughts bella?” all assholey on her like “TOLD YOU SO”
Calliope: she’s like … hold up… you’ve been celibate for HOW LONG
Moon: HAHAHA FOR THIS?!
UC: wait.. you eat MOUNTAIN LIONS? Ew
Moon: this changes everything! Trailer fades to black. The end
Calliope: yeah though granted, it makes more sense to discuss the volturi now, for the non-readers (all 10 of them) to have movie flow
UC: good job cathy the cougar
Calliope: but seriously. Bella needed this info LAST movie
UC: right… we really do need to worry about the 10 ppl left in the world who haven’t read
Moon: and dont forget they still have to touch on jaspers special power
UC: and they did NOTHING with the Alice story
Calliope: “wait a second,… jasper controls my emotions?!?! WTF edward… i trusted you!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
UC: So it’s Jasper that’s been making me feel that tingly feeling down there? I thought you were skilled!
Moon: so my first unicorn was all a ruse by you and your emotion altering BROTHER?! What kind of sick family is this?!
Calliope: Oh edward… clearly this is his first relationship. Edward is suck a fail boyfriend… just tells her what he wants her to hear.
Wanna see what else we talked about? Hint: Matlock, Mattresses and Afros… YUP follow the cut
The one where Edward loves Murder She Wrote
Calliope: “Bella I’m dressed like your grandfather so you have to listen to me when I tell you not to be reckless”
UC: “Bella, Do you see these shoes? These are old man shoes, they mean business”
Moon: “I’ve even got Wuthers Originals in my pocket so you know I’m being serious”
Calliope: “this jacket might be tweed. Tweed is serious Bella. I am serious.”
UC: “I even have a jitterbug phone & I desire to be a college professor so I’m leaving you”
Moon: “And don’t do ANYTHING stupid while I’m away. Here have a Wurthers and lets watch Matlock”
The one about Freedom
Calliope: distraught bella has sexy hair. she ditches the headband
UC: yes… she’s like.. fine.. I’ll make a wolf have a boner. Headband Bella is gone, boner Bella is here
Calliope: I bet edward made her wear the headband. REBELLION!!!!!!!!!!!!
UC: and Jasper made her feel like she wanted to wear it. FREEDOM!
Calliope: VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!!!!!
Calliope: she also bought much cooler shirts to wear as distraught Bella
The one with Yorkie and the Beard
Moon: I was gonna draw our attention to :38 Yorkie and Angela holding bhands!
Calliope: i knowwwwwww she’s such a beard
Moon: i mean dont they know thats supposed to be Angela and Ben Cheney?! HELLOOO! Next to the charcoal volvo! FAIL
Calliope: charcoal is the new silver
Moon: suv is the new panty dropper
Calliope: and everyone knows she’s his beard because they are SWINGING their hands, the span of that swing SCREAMS beard
Moon: and the fact that they’re heading towards the “tool shack” Forks’ premier gay bar
UC: For those of us that do not know what a beard is but can only image, can you enlighten?
Calliope: a beard, my darling, is someone who poses as the girlfriend/boyfriend for some reason… usually its because the person is gay
UC: do you think she’s having a really scary orgasm? Like it’s so intense she just screams out of terror
Moon: in the bed? Or the woods?
UC: both, it’s so good that it starts in the woods then continues in the bed
Moon: maybe she just has sudden onset orgasms
Moon: and edwards like dude i dont even have to do anything she just HAS them
UC: it’s convenient…. for him especially during those times of month
Moon: no work necessary
Moon: the scream is awkward: like UHHH uhgggggh AHHHH
Calliope: i’m just glad we can clearly see that bella has a fullsized bed. Did anyone else ever wonder? I could never tell. Scream is awkward… but epic.
UC: it’s hard to take it seriously in this little clip
Moon: I may have to add that to my Bella repertoire: so I’ve got the hospital scene, the eyebrow and now the scream
UC: So what’s the context of the screaming? Is it because of Edward? Or is there a spider in her bed? Does she have cramps?
Calliope: maybe she just really hates the mattress, too lumpy
Calliope: she likes it HARD
Moon: thats what she said
UC: Yeah… she thought she was a #37, but turns out she’s an #88
Moon: Bellas pissed about her new sleep number bed
Calliope: AHHHHHHHHHH UGHHHHHHHHHH the horror!
Moon: instead of a camera and scrapbook she got a sleep number bed for her birthday
UC: orgasm, bed bugs, wrong # on the sleep # bed… the movie is just gonna be a big ol’ advertisement for sleep #
Calliope: UC, maybe we should go to the sleep number store tomorrow after lunch and test out the beds
UC: i think we should
UC: maybe we can take our panera on a picnic on the bed
Calliope: and see if that really does happen if we put it on the wrong number
UC: watch out.. i might attack you if we’re in the same bed
Moon: and do THE SCREAM
The one where Anna Kendrick isn’t dedicated
Moon: its nice that jessica stanley is still bitch enough to taunt a mentally unstable person
UC: i really do wish for the curly haired afro jessica though. Another FAIL
UC: i don’t care about the Volvo, I don’t care about the kitchen cabinets, but NOT giving jessica a curly afro? FAIL
Moon: she was curly hair in the book?
UC: yes and i imaged her with a dark curly afro
Moon: dang! UC gets the Twi nerd of the day award
Calliope: anna kendrick is not dedicated to her craft. KStew would gotten a perm to play jessica
UC: i’ll find you a picture (to the right)
Calliope: anna kendrick bought a flat iron
UC: Nikki would have too
Moon: kstew would definitely have permed the mullet just so she could BE Jessica. Embody the character of Jessica. And then made out with nikki because in her mind jessica is a secret lesbian
The one about the sounds of cliff diving
Moon: the good thing is if bella needs a job she could always be one of those mexican cliff divers. The whole drowning thing might bum out the tourists but its an option
UC: listen to the sound effect when she jumps in
Moon: that’s the sound that plays when you just got shot in laser tag and your vest is disabled
UC: sounds like Pacman or some arcade game
Calliope: i always hear that sound when i jump into water off of cliffs you don’t?
UC: do you think they just went to dave & busters for their sound effects? Had to save a buck because Kristen demanded a REAL sleep-number bed to act the scene?
Moon: Actually, Chris Weitz found his old Atari gaming system in the garage and was like lets use this shiz! Summit was pumped cause they saved a few bucks
The one where Jacob cops a feel during CPR
UC: mother EFF. Look at the kid when he says “what the hell were you thinking?” Kiss her. DO it. damnit
Moon: is he looking at her lips?
Moon: HOT, do it!!
Moon: CPR/make out aka cardio pulminary make out
Calliope: haha maybe he was hoping she wasn’t breathing
UC: that’s why he’s mad “what the hell were you thinking? jumping in a cliff, getting me all wet & cold.. and not even stopping your breathing.. i wanna kiss damnit”
Calliope: so he could cope that feel once again
Moon: the chest compressions would mean he could touch her boobs. Bella comes to and shes like why are you massaging my boobs when my heart needs compressions?
Calliope: i bet his next line is … i promise i’m not this small … its just the cold water
thats what the shocked look is
Moon: SEINFELD! SHRINKAGE
UC: she’s like.. ‘dang… is that it?”
Calliope: she felt something…. but really she felt nothing
Moon: it was a stick in his pocket from the la push beach
Calliope: that’s what he told her
Moon: talk about disappointment
Calliope: jacobs peen is FAIL
UC: and Edward’s peen is missing. So what’s a girl gotta do? Get it on by herself in her sleep number bed
Calliope: OHHHHHHHHHHH thats why she was screaming- she was takin care of business by herself
The one where Edward and Jacob use the swears
Moon: lets talk edward cursing shall we? Whats with the make up when edward cusses? His head looks like its from a diff body
UC: he looks like Drag Edward/Eddie who says sexy things. They airbrushed his head to match his abs
Moon: like oh no one will notice we ran out of make up and didnt vamp him out
Calliope: if you freeze frame “you can go to hell” edward… he looks like shit
Moon: When she says “Edward im scared” – thats her first time
UC: yes.. that is her first time, you’re right
Calliope: they did a whole lot more than walkin in those volturi hallways under the cape
UC: Edward copped a feel
Moon: tracing the lips. Ahem!
The one where Moon is excited for Billy Burke
UC: um WHO is behind charlie in the tree? cuz that person I’d also like to bang. just cuz
Moon: everyone keeps saying Victoria
UC: yeah.. I’d do her
Moon: you know billy burke is pumped he’s in the trailer. His copstache is famous! I’m surprised he didn’t drunk tweet about it
Calliope: moon, you’re also pumped he is in the trailer! I heard you gasp “Charlie!” So dont’ deny
Moon: i totes yelled CHARLIE, like a dork! And I also yelled “THAT’S NOT SILVER” when the volvo was on but you couldnt hear that on the video
Calliope: love that billy burke got all excited about being in the trailer
Moon: he totally celebrated with a 6-er of vitamin R and a couple mustache rides
The one where we wonder things…
Calliope: Can we talk about two scenes that confuse the EF out of me… and they are back to back
Calliope: minute 2:45 Bella in the bed in the sexy walmart cami with edward sitting by… and then the next scene where she’s in the italy shirt but in front of bushes. WHERE DO THOSE play into this shit? The bushes scene doesn’t make sense at all… she wouldn’t find bushes like that in italy in the middle of stone buildings, I know I was there, damnit
Moon: are there bushes in Italian piazzas? Not last time i was there
Moon: maybe it’s bella’s limited wardrobe. I mean she has the khaki skirt and the ugly jacket and its cold in the NW so she cant wear the slutty top every day
Calliope: maybe they have a shopping sequence at the airport mall and the curtains for the dressing room were made of bushes?
UC: ooh that sounds right. At La Perla
Moon: right, a shopping montage for the hell of it to stock up on essential underthings for her reunion with Edward
UC: La Perla dressing rooms have a jungle theme
Calliope: makes sense jungle theme for bush covering items. I said it, yep
Moon: do you love us yet TBY789?!?
UC: she wanted Alice & Edward to see if her new bra made her look ‘perky’ in her button down shirt
Moon: and since garter belts are hard to run in she needed some new undies
Calliope: hence the running attack out of the curtains, she had to test them out
Moon: solved! la perla has jungle themed dressing rooms
Calliope: sometimes i think it might actually be a dream sequence like she dreams of running to find him in that shirt
UC: how many times have you watched this? So that you could consider it “sometimes” cuz… you might need help, i’m not sure yet
Calliope: i told you it bothered me
Moon: the lunch time meeting at the sleep number store tomorrow is actually a ruse, Calli. UC is taking you to an intervention
UC: yes I am. We are starting a ‘Obesssed with the Twilight trailer” anonymous group tomorrow
Calliope: holler! will there be refreshments at the intervention? That’s the only way i’ll go
if they have the little bottles
Moon: yes and sleep number bed consultations
Calliope: i’m a kid and the kids love those little bottles
Moon: you’ll also learn how to make a kitty meeeooowww
Moon: what was your other conundrum?
Calliope: the part right before that bella in her walmart tank in bed with Eddie looking on another dream? reality? she looks PISSED.
Moon: is that the proposal?
Calliope: or like she just asked for sex and he said No
Moon: or he re-adjusted her sleep number while she was sleeping and it woke her up and she was pissed. Cause he likes it HARD
And with that we draw this LONG break down to a close!! What did you think? Favorite part of the trailer and who has a Sleep Number Bed?
PS In honor of Patrick Swayze revisit one of my favorite posts ever: No one puts Bella in a corner!