Breaking down the REST of the LA Times pics – Nude Moon

Dear LA Times-

You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.

Enjoy…

Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

Miss the first half of the break down yesterday? Catch up here!

*Warning some of this isn’t for the faint of heart… or prudish*

chrisiphone

Dear Cathy, lose my number. Thx, Chris


Am I really the Director?

Moon:
so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphone
UC: what do you FEEL when you see it?
Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)
UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the praying
Moon: or the virgin sacrifices!

C
C

Animal Sacrifices

wolfpuppet

How do I put this thing on?

UC: JAKE?
Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shots
UC: that dude needs a raise
Moon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)
UC: clearly. sick to the nast
Moon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this film
UC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fry
Moon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me

Follow the cut to read the rest

And hold 1,2,3

And hold 1,2,3

C
Is this your idea of a Fantasy Sequence?

Moon:
Ok how about this one… bella does deep squats in her dream on top of the sleep number
UC: now.. did you read the caption here? cuz it says “kristen stewart kneels on bed used in fantasy sequence” fantasy? like….. are we gonna see some fan fic action?
Moon: fantasy aka every fans wildest fantasy! There better be some unicorns and cookies. I wanna see her acting THOSE out: UGGHH AAHHHH OHHH
UC: or is this where they got the idea for that Twilight porno that just came out? and actually- it’s not porn actors- they just used the REAL Edward & Bella?
Moon: whose fantasy doesn’t involve a sleep number bed, in the forest with a dead wolf carcass lying nearby?
UC: I’ve never had a fantasy different than that
Moon: thank god i thought i was the only one!
UC: no- we’re weird twilight fantasy twins

throughthepeepholeThe Tuck!

Moon: And next… OHHH we have more from the “through the keyhole series”
Moon: chris just downloaded the Oregon trail app or mint.com app just for you UC
UC: hahahah LOVE ! Or he’s using that app where you can identify a song. Rob has “the mumbles” (as my hubby calls his singing) and Chris is seeing what it comes up with
Moon: Shazzam and the app breaks cause it cant handle the mumbles
UC: they keep saying it’s “Tuck Me” but he’s really singing “F-ck Me”
Moon: and doesnt know rob’s version of Dashboard songs and confused it with his penchant for tucking his nether regions

Lost: Beanie. Last Seen: in the previous picture

Lost: Beanie. Last Seen: in the previous picture


Lost & Found

Moon: Chris: “Yea the beanie was striped, and fit on my head, I ALWAYS wore it and now I cant find it. Rob, you you know where my beanie could be?”
UC: Rob: (starts mumbling a song)
Moon: Rob: “a beanie?! ME? NO! I have NO clue where a beanie would go or who would even want one!”
UC: Jellyfish: “I was brought here to STING the person who stole Chris Weitz beanie”
UC: Rob: “Beanie’s make your hair smell.. I Know. Kristen has one! Ask her!”
Moon: Kristen: “dudes, shut the ef up about your beanies and lets do this, I’m not getting any younger. By the way: I STOLE THE BEANIE! BABIES! HA! and i sold them for 10 cents to the Vancouver goodwill so i could get a new flannel”

Show Us Your Goods!

Show Us Your Native TaTa's 2009!

Show Us Your Native TaTa's 2009!

UC: i know.. oh… this must be the Wet TShirt Contest on the Rez. What’s it called?
Moon: Oh you mean the “Show us your Native Tata’s contest?”
Moon: she has the slutty tank on under that so she had a little extra oomph
UC: Rob is cleary watching the wet tshirt contest and Mrs. Clearwater just got up there
Moon: jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be wrong to get a boner to his relatives
UC: Edward was surprised… b/c he thought Mrs. Clearwater would be all saggy but.. she had a lift she didnt’ tell Harry.
Moon: and thats why he had a heart attack, but they never told the kids the REAL story! And now that Harry’s dead she doesn’t want to waste them so she uses them to lure Charlie in and to get out of speeding tickets in the mean time
UC: then lets Charlie rub the copstache all over them
Moon: sad bella’s gonna lose to her future step mom and edwards LOVING IT ALL

The one where I let UC take the wheel

Watch out for UC, Taylor... FYI!

Watch out for UC, Taylor... FYI!

Moon: awwwwww lil taycob is he watching Mrs Clearwater accept her award
UC: you know how a lot of people & bloggers talk about needing more “batteries?” and we NEVER do?
Moon: yes
UC: cuz that’s not how we roll? Well, I need more batteries here…BUT…
Moon: where the crap are you going with this? im kind of excited to see…
UC: it’s for my electric razor b/c I’d like to try to shave his soft skin.
UC: i just wanted to talk about batteries! Hahahaha LET DOWN!
Moon: I’m over here laughing and I’m totes leaving that in BTW
UC: haha i figured:)

What IS that thing exactly?

Cold hearted snake... look into his eyes!

Cold hearted snake... look into his eyes!

Moon: YEA Chris found his beanie
UC: And Rob found….
Moon: his puffy shirt
UC: the thrift store at the local nursing home? Circa the 1800s?
Moon: Wtf is that thing around his neck?
UC: a noose? b/c he can’t believe he’s wearing tweed?
Moon: limp dick? Really long used condom (freaking campers!)?
UC: hahaha
Moon: toy snake he made out of an old sock?
UC: omg!! I will suck up a pea in my throat! Stop that! I am alone! I would die and the cats cannot save me and Sam the wolf doesn’t know where I live!
Moon: type ANIMAL ATTACK if you choke and I’ll know to call 911 oh and use a hash tag so I can tweet your choking for the twitter peeps

The one with the Snuggie

Snug as a bug in a... well, snuggie

Snug as a bug in a... well, snuggie

Moon: bella is smart
UC: “Uh.. Mrs. Cope BEAT Me? I have itty bitty titties! Guys LIKE that”
Moon: she took a snuggie into the forest cause she knew Edward would dump her ass and she’d be outside for a while till sam found her so might as well have a blanket with arm holes
UC: omg she’s in a SNUGGIE?
UC: dude…. seriously…. velor jump suit! MAYBE chris has been hearing our begging and in the fantasy/porn scene, Bella is on her sleep-number bed in the woods next to a wolf carcass and then.. edward shows up in Grandpa’s finest and takes off that snake thing.. or that long ass condom
Moon: cause doesn’t bella turn into an old cat lady in her FANTASY/DREAM? and old ladies LOVE snuggies
UC: YES, that’s it! Bella becomes an old DOG lady
Moon: collects abandoned wolves names ALL of them JACOB

Uncle Jesse’s at it again!

When Michele's smiling

When Michele's smiling

Moon: Grandpa just pondering things like newspapers, wurthers and whether his grandkids will call him this week
UC: seriously… could his pants GET any higher?
Moon: its like the highest inseam in the world. His balls are begging for mercy… or rather saying “have mercy” cause his balls are named Uncle Jesse

Twilight Saga: NUDE Moon

bellabathrobeMoon: Shes pissed she lost the wet tshirt contest to one of her friends moms
UC: this is her outfit before the opening porn sequence since this ‘fantasy’ was made into that twilight porn
Moon: whats the porn name? NUDE MOON. Obviously
UC: obviously (copywritten Moon & Uc 2009) cuz you KNOW some fat porn guy just got an idea from that
Moon: for serious on sale in fine adult bookshops this November
UC: speaking of that… I’m out of batteries…..
Moon: OMG… here we go…for your electric razor? for Jacob?
UC: no for my vibrator. The one I use on my back…. I have back pain! What did you think I meant? Sicko!
Moon: omg the “massager” DUDE my grandpa used to call this neck massager pillow he had his “vibrator” and he’d ask us grandkids to bring him his vibrator. HA! I still die laughing thinking about that to this day.
UC: hahahahahhahaha that’s SO something Grandpa Rob would do: “Where are my wurthers? And Where is my vibrator?”

UC teaches Moon

You put your right knee in you put your left knee out and you shake it all about

You put your right knee in you put your left knee out and you shake it all about

Moon: scene from NUDE MOON?
UC: clearly the practice scene.. before the clothes came off
Moon: “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
UC: I guess Rob lost that battlle…. there really IS anal
UC: Moon…. let me teach you.. as a married women… that’s NOT missionary
Moon: oh i guess she is on her side
UC: married women do it in the missionary it’s the way God intended and Bella is not a married women
Moon: so obviously she is a hussy
UC: she’s a girl in a slutty tank and occasionally a snuggie. The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?
Moon: while he’s on one knee
UC: right… leverage
Moon: wtf is all that called
UC: the one knee F*ck?
Moon: thats what the mirrors near for if he needs to grab it
UC: and rip it to pieces
Moon: and show her proper positioning
UC: right
Moon: Wow this break down has gone SO downhill into the gutter
UC: “This Breakdown not suitable for Children. Or Stephenie Meyer”

The one where Taylor works out. Again.

And 1,2,3

And 1,2,3

UC: Taycob… always working out
Moon: 24 hr fitness opened it’s newest location in the vancouver forest
UC: he can actually lift that horizontal tree behind him to his right
Moon: those dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood
UC: if you hold it for 5 seconds, you get a free shake it’s rustic, but it’s empowering they eat roots for protein
Moon: the gym will be named in taylor’s honor: The Vancouver 24 Hour Fitness: Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area

Bella on Bella action

No comment

No comment

UC: girl on GIRL! Nude Moon seriously is crazytimes
Moon: thats one big vibrator theyres using on that stick
UC: well… you saw the size of the snake/condom/tie Edward had. She expects a lot
Moon: these girls are professional, don’t come bringing just your every day machinery to the set
UC: in non-porn flick news, Kristen’s fake hair looks extra pretty here
Moon: SERIOUSLY love her hairs here

Bella loves a good deal

Peek a boo we see you!

Peek a boo we see you!

UC: Bella’s hungry here- look at her eyes
Moon: someone better get her a mountain lion stat
Moon: and her slutty tank top
UC: peeping through, is that lace?
UC: wow… stepped up to the $7 aisle in wal-mart
Moon: yea they had a sale on lingerie at the goodwill
UC: ah. that explains it
Moon: she got 4 bras for a quarter

Whew! We made it through another! What say you?

Really?! With Moon and UC at LTR
Break down some more in the Forum!

  • leahcyr

    Hilarious post ladies!

    The pictures of the bedroom/forest are so confusing.. And the ‘Bella on Bella action’..

  • obird

    Boob lifts, copstache, sleepnumber beds, and a beanie snatch….not to mention:

    THE SIDEWARD STRADDLE FROM EDWARD PADDLE!!!!!!

    completely epic today. seriously.

    obird standing in her office clapping while saying “bravo ladies, bravo”

    xo

  • tiffany

    Omg! that went down an unexpected road!
    Dudes I’m glad you remember the song uncle Jesse sang to michelle when he rushed back from lake tahoe when he thought she was sick and he was the only one who could give her medicine. My friend Omar (who is a tattoo artist and professional breakdancer mind you) insisted that the lyrics were “I miss your smiley” and he would sing it to me until one day I asked him about the song and he explained it to be the song uncle Jesse sang I laughed lot. It took me 2 hours to find YouTube evidence that’s he actually says “when michelle smiles” and to render Omar embarassed. This was like 2 years ago and he still randomly calls me to say he misses my smiley.

    • sassysmart

      Omar could seriously lose his street cred if that story ever got out.

    • themoonisdown

      i know this cause my good pal in college was named michele and i used to always sing it to her. STIL DO!

  • Donna

    “my grandpa used to call this neck massager pillow he had his “vibrator” and he’d ask us grandkids to bring him his vibrator. HA! I still die laughing thinking about that to this day”

    Oh my god. The morning of my wedding my grandma was telling us about taking my grandfather to get his haircut. Apparently they put him under the dryer and she said the ladies gave him a “blow job.”

    We all died. Grandpa turned red and said that cost extra and then laughed so hard his teeth fell out.

    She never got the joke. We told that story at her funeral. Grandparents are funny.

    • themoonisdown

      grandparents rule!! RIP PAPA!!!

      • Katie S

        My Grandpa was the one who said possibley the best man-reaction-to-Edward line I’ve ever heard:

        Grandpa: (Sees my magazine on the table opened up to Robward) Who is that girl with the crazy hair?

        Oh, Grampa. The best.

    • babiesbrown

      OMG! ROFLMAO. Actually I am sitting here with all the kids tucked in bed laughing so loud I am dangerously close to waking them all up.
      And I’ve got 4 kids – and twin infants. So damn you and your grandparents if they wake up, but omg, so effing funny!!
      I have a feeling I’d have loved your grandma! She and my Granny woulda been good friends!

  • unlikelyfangirl

    Wow. I bow at the feet of the Supreme Masters of Random Hilarity–UC & Moon. And to think I saw these pictures elsewhere and thought “pretty”. How did I miss Uncle Jesse, killer jellyfish, and sleep number bed fantasies.

    My favorite though:
    “dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood” I don’t know why but Taylor working out ALL THE TIME is just really funny to me.

  • Jaybird

    “The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?”

    Can someone please write some fanfic with these exact words in it!! I would love you forever.

    Praying and fasting for New Moon and now Nude Moon! I could probably get my husband to go to one of those! I will let you guess which one!

    Loved the breakdown girls!

  • http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum DontQuestionMe

    My neighbors are probably wondering what’s up with the hysterical ruckus coming from my apartment. Seriously I am practically in TEARS over here. My breaking point:

    Moon: jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be get a boner to his relatives

    Then you had to go talking about the copstache, more “batteries,” Rob’s puffy shirt, ANIMAL ATTACK, high inseams (OMG those pants! <3 them long time!) and balls named Uncle Jesse, then Grandpa Moon/Grandpa Rob's vibrator and how purple's cool, so’s missionary. You guys freakin' KILL ME DEAD. Seriously this is one of the most epic, side-splitting breakdowns of the LTT-ozoic Era.

    I would love to comment on Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area, but will refrain from doing until I am either in Georgia OR it is Feb 2010. I'll sneak into the Forum at some point and show you my Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle Christmas card.

  • http://www.myspace.com/moonjenn Moonjenn

    Hmm… sounds like you two ladies have been reading a lil too much ‘The Office’. Wait… no such thing as too much tby789.

    • Katie S

      Oh my… Did you read her latest update? I wanted to cry myself to sleep.

      • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com/search/label/TwilightRehab Alice – Not an Addikt

        Oh oh oh, me too!

  • http://ichooseme.wordpress.com BrookeLockart

    Regarding UC’s use of batteries: you never say it cause you still have relations with the hubs, no need to change the batteries on the VAMP. ;-)

  • TeamSeth

    You guys have completely scarred Cyndi, you know!

    “UC: then lets Charlie rub the copstache all over them”
    Who wants a mustache ride? I DO! I DO*
    “UC: it’s for my electric razor b/c I’d like to try to shave his soft skin.”
    Nine times out of ten it’s an electric razor, but every once in a while… it’s a dildo. Of course it’s company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo… always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.**

    Um, so the KStew look alike must be the one who’s doing all the public pot smoking.

    *7 in heaven with any cast/crew member for whoever can get this reference
    **A full day alone with Butt Crack Santa for whoever can get this reference.

    • MidnightSin

      So true…so true!!!

    • Lindelle

      oh ** is Fight Club! Bring it, BCS.

  • snapdragon

    I’m at work and have been on the phone for 40 minutes with our cell phone company….thank you SO very much for the giggles. It helps to pass the time when I’m in misery.

  • Lynda from philly

    OMFG, I’ve been laughing non-stop reading this whole thing.You girls really know how to brighten up someone’s day,thanks for that. Now my kids think I’ve Really lost it…and I have…that’s for sure…..but in a good way……that I love……okay I’m done now……I’m leaving now……….bye,bye.

  • Xylem

    True Story: Ok, so it’s totally off topic and has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight . But when I read about the GRAMPA and the VIBRATOR, I had a total recall moment of something I experienced in New York about five years ago. Here it goes:

    So I was giving my grad school classmate a tour of Rockefeller Plaza (cause she was from Arizona and I’m from Washington, D.C., so I totes know my way around since I live so close it’s practically my neighborhood–but I digress). When we spotted a Sharper Image store and decided to do what everyone does when they go to Sharper Image– cop a feel of the vibrating chairs, of course. Only when we got to the chairs this old dude had had the same idea before us. Danielle, who is totes Steph.Meyer-esque about sexuality was looking mortified about vibrating so close to an old stranger… as there was no chair for me to sit I chose instead to play with the portable..vibra… er massager. As I proceeded to play the part of the worldly city dweller who is totally comfortable joking about vibrating sex toys in public , I noticed that others in the stores where beginning look in our direction and that the old dude was laughing and cracking jokes of his own for benefit. He was totally cool… for an old vibrating dude. Of course this only encouraged me to go on about the many applicable uses of previously mentioned portable vibra…er massagers (think Bubba and his many uses for shrimp in Forest Gump). Danielle’s face became exponentially redder the louder the old dude laughed and the more other people began to stare… Eventually, the old dude got up thanked us for the laugh and walked away smiling. I noticed that when he moved, half the store seemed to move in the same direction as he. I was just glad to finally have a vibrating chair of my own. Then one of the ladies who was previously gaping in our direction came by to ask me if I had gotten his autograph. When I asked whose, she said “Mayor Bloomberg’s, of course” . Yeah, I am still mortified. Anywho… that’s MY story about GRAMPAS and VIBRATORS. Thanks for indulging me with this looonggg story.

    • fangbanger06

      HAHAHAHAHA!!!

      You had a conversation w/ Mayor Bloomberg about vibrators.

      That is freaking awesome!

      • Xylem

        Seriously, I know this is cliché, but he is so much smaller in person. I mean, like not even 5’5″ totally threw me for a loop.

  • lilnelablack

    I have been reading LTT every day for months & months and THIS post is honestly the funniest one you guys have written!! : ) LOVE IT!

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      THANKS!!

  • LoveHigh

    Wow… um… wow. I haven’ laughed/cried/wet my center all at the same time in a while! Very distracting straddling pose… umh… where was I going with this?
    Too funny! Granpa’s vibrator… big vibrator on the stick for Bella x2!.. I’m incoherent..

  • MidnightSin

    Note: My mind was clean and pure before I came to this site….no longer….and I might add…you have greatly increased my vocab….however…it has gotten me into trouble as most of the times I don’t know the meaning of some of the words you write and then I end up using those words when I definately shouldn’t!!!
    Sooo don’t know if I should thank you or not….just kidding..so heart you all!! I just need to make better notes AND look up words BEFORE actually using them….

  • MidnightSin

    My first thoughts BEFORE I read your commentary!! Definately 1st hand embarrassment..don’t even know why I am sharing except I am sick and bored…

    Am I really the Director?: “Damn my peez dispenser is broken!”

    Animal Sacrifices: “Caught the one that got Jessica S. dog. How much was that reward?”

    Is this your idea of a Fantasy Sequence? “Just smile and none of them will know I have to pee”

    The Tuck!: “Does Kristen KNOW you took that pic and can I PLZ use it in the film???

    Lost & Found: “Look Rob..I told them I wanted the REAL MOON but yah know there’s only so much I can do as the director!”(Damn actors)

    Show Us Your Goods! “So sick of HIM getting all the attention..he just smiles and they drop like flys..me I have to friggin eat a horse, work out 20 hrs a day…WHEN is it EVER enough, F…Him!”

    The one where I let UC take the wheel: “Seriously, I am gorgeous”

    The one where Taylor works out.Again. “This time I am aiming for his balls” (I thought it looked like a sling shot)

    What IS that thing exactly?: “Now Kristen tell Rob your really sorry for pulling out a chunk of his hair (to sell on EBAY) and this time mean it”

    The one with the Snuggie: “I feel pretty, oh so pretty…am I pretty..yes so pretty??”

    UC teaches Moon: “You seriously think Kristen can do this better than me?”

    Bella on Bella: “Now pay attention Rob”

    Bella loves a good deal: “See I CAN sleep with my eyes open”

    Please keep in mind these were just what popped into my head when I scanned through the pics..scary huh…so now you know why you two are my heroes..
    Don’t worry I won’t ever do this again….someone PLZ remind me that I said that…

  • mania

    hahahahaha I m laughing so hard at this, the best captions ever!:
    Moon: “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
    UC: I guess Rob lost that battlle…. there really IS anal
    UC: Moon…. let me teach you.. as a married women… that’s NOT missionary
    Moon: oh i guess she is on her side
    UC: married women do it in the missionary it’s the way God intended and Bella is not a married women

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