Dear LA Times-
You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.
Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice
Miss the first half of the break down yesterday? Catch up here!
*Warning some of this isn’t for the faint of heart… or prudish*
Am I really the Director?
Moon: so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphone
UC: what do you FEEL when you see it?
Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)
UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the praying
Moon: or the virgin sacrifices!
Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shots
UC: that dude needs a raise
Moon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)
UC: clearly. sick to the nast
Moon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this film
UC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fry
Moon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me
Follow the cut to read the rest
Is this your idea of a Fantasy Sequence?
Moon: Ok how about this one… bella does deep squats in her dream on top of the sleep number
UC: now.. did you read the caption here? cuz it says “kristen stewart kneels on bed used in fantasy sequence” fantasy? like….. are we gonna see some fan fic action?
Moon: fantasy aka every fans wildest fantasy! There better be some unicorns and cookies. I wanna see her acting THOSE out: UGGHH AAHHHH OHHH
UC: or is this where they got the idea for that Twilight porno that just came out? and actually- it’s not porn actors- they just used the REAL Edward & Bella?
Moon: whose fantasy doesn’t involve a sleep number bed, in the forest with a dead wolf carcass lying nearby?
UC: I’ve never had a fantasy different than that
Moon: thank god i thought i was the only one!
UC: no- we’re weird twilight fantasy twins
Moon: And next… OHHH we have more from the “through the keyhole series”
Moon: chris just downloaded the Oregon trail app or mint.com app just for you UC
UC: hahahah LOVE ! Or he’s using that app where you can identify a song. Rob has “the mumbles” (as my hubby calls his singing) and Chris is seeing what it comes up with
Moon: Shazzam and the app breaks cause it cant handle the mumbles
UC: they keep saying it’s “Tuck Me” but he’s really singing “F-ck Me”
Moon: and doesnt know rob’s version of Dashboard songs and confused it with his penchant for tucking his nether regions
Lost & Found
Moon: Chris: “Yea the beanie was striped, and fit on my head, I ALWAYS wore it and now I cant find it. Rob, you you know where my beanie could be?”
UC: Rob: (starts mumbling a song)
Moon: Rob: “a beanie?! ME? NO! I have NO clue where a beanie would go or who would even want one!”
UC: Jellyfish: “I was brought here to STING the person who stole Chris Weitz beanie”
UC: Rob: “Beanie’s make your hair smell.. I Know. Kristen has one! Ask her!”
Moon: Kristen: “dudes, shut the ef up about your beanies and lets do this, I’m not getting any younger. By the way: I STOLE THE BEANIE! BABIES! HA! and i sold them for 10 cents to the Vancouver goodwill so i could get a new flannel”
Show Us Your Goods!
UC: i know.. oh… this must be the Wet TShirt Contest on the Rez. What’s it called?
Moon: Oh you mean the “Show us your Native Tata’s contest?”
Moon: she has the slutty tank on under that so she had a little extra oomph
UC: Rob is cleary watching the wet tshirt contest and Mrs. Clearwater just got up there
Moon: jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be wrong to get a boner to his relatives
UC: Edward was surprised… b/c he thought Mrs. Clearwater would be all saggy but.. she had a lift she didnt’ tell Harry.
Moon: and thats why he had a heart attack, but they never told the kids the REAL story! And now that Harry’s dead she doesn’t want to waste them so she uses them to lure Charlie in and to get out of speeding tickets in the mean time
UC: then lets Charlie rub the copstache all over them
Moon: sad bella’s gonna lose to her future step mom and edwards LOVING IT ALL
The one where I let UC take the wheel
Moon: awwwwww lil taycob is he watching Mrs Clearwater accept her award
UC: you know how a lot of people & bloggers talk about needing more “batteries?” and we NEVER do?
UC: cuz that’s not how we roll? Well, I need more batteries here…BUT…
Moon: where the crap are you going with this? im kind of excited to see…
UC: it’s for my electric razor b/c I’d like to try to shave his soft skin.
UC: i just wanted to talk about batteries! Hahahaha LET DOWN!
Moon: I’m over here laughing and I’m totes leaving that in BTW
UC: haha i figured:)
What IS that thing exactly?
Moon: YEA Chris found his beanie
UC: And Rob found….
Moon: his puffy shirt
UC: the thrift store at the local nursing home? Circa the 1800s?
Moon: Wtf is that thing around his neck?
UC: a noose? b/c he can’t believe he’s wearing tweed?
Moon: limp dick? Really long used condom (freaking campers!)?
Moon: toy snake he made out of an old sock?
UC: omg!! I will suck up a pea in my throat! Stop that! I am alone! I would die and the cats cannot save me and Sam the wolf doesn’t know where I live!
Moon: type ANIMAL ATTACK if you choke and I’ll know to call 911 oh and use a hash tag so I can tweet your choking for the twitter peeps
The one with the Snuggie
Moon: bella is smart
UC: “Uh.. Mrs. Cope BEAT Me? I have itty bitty titties! Guys LIKE that”
Moon: she took a snuggie into the forest cause she knew Edward would dump her ass and she’d be outside for a while till sam found her so might as well have a blanket with arm holes
UC: omg she’s in a SNUGGIE?
UC: dude…. seriously…. velor jump suit! MAYBE chris has been hearing our begging and in the fantasy/porn scene, Bella is on her sleep-number bed in the woods next to a wolf carcass and then.. edward shows up in Grandpa’s finest and takes off that snake thing.. or that long ass condom
Moon: cause doesn’t bella turn into an old cat lady in her FANTASY/DREAM? and old ladies LOVE snuggies
UC: YES, that’s it! Bella becomes an old DOG lady
Moon: collects abandoned wolves names ALL of them JACOB
Uncle Jesse’s at it again!
Moon: Grandpa just pondering things like newspapers, wurthers and whether his grandkids will call him this week
UC: seriously… could his pants GET any higher?
Moon: its like the highest inseam in the world. His balls are begging for mercy… or rather saying “have mercy” cause his balls are named Uncle Jesse
Twilight Saga: NUDE Moon
Moon: Shes pissed she lost the wet tshirt contest to one of her friends moms
UC: this is her outfit before the opening porn sequence since this ‘fantasy’ was made into that twilight porn
Moon: whats the porn name? NUDE MOON. Obviously
UC: obviously (copywritten Moon & Uc 2009) cuz you KNOW some fat porn guy just got an idea from that
Moon: for serious on sale in fine adult bookshops this November
UC: speaking of that… I’m out of batteries…..
Moon: OMG… here we go…for your electric razor? for Jacob?
UC: no for my vibrator. The one I use on my back…. I have back pain! What did you think I meant? Sicko!
Moon: omg the “massager” DUDE my grandpa used to call this neck massager pillow he had his “vibrator” and he’d ask us grandkids to bring him his vibrator. HA! I still die laughing thinking about that to this day.
UC: hahahahahhahaha that’s SO something Grandpa Rob would do: “Where are my wurthers? And Where is my vibrator?”
UC teaches Moon
Moon: scene from NUDE MOON?
UC: clearly the practice scene.. before the clothes came off
Moon: “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
UC: I guess Rob lost that battlle…. there really IS anal
UC: Moon…. let me teach you.. as a married women… that’s NOT missionary
Moon: oh i guess she is on her side
UC: married women do it in the missionary it’s the way God intended and Bella is not a married women
Moon: so obviously she is a hussy
UC: she’s a girl in a slutty tank and occasionally a snuggie. The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?
Moon: while he’s on one knee
UC: right… leverage
Moon: wtf is all that called
UC: the one knee F*ck?
Moon: thats what the mirrors near for if he needs to grab it
UC: and rip it to pieces
Moon: and show her proper positioning
Moon: Wow this break down has gone SO downhill into the gutter
UC: “This Breakdown not suitable for Children. Or Stephenie Meyer”
The one where Taylor works out. Again.
UC: Taycob… always working out
Moon: 24 hr fitness opened it’s newest location in the vancouver forest
UC: he can actually lift that horizontal tree behind him to his right
Moon: those dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood
UC: if you hold it for 5 seconds, you get a free shake it’s rustic, but it’s empowering they eat roots for protein
Moon: the gym will be named in taylor’s honor: The Vancouver 24 Hour Fitness: Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area
Bella on Bella action
UC: girl on GIRL! Nude Moon seriously is crazytimes
Moon: thats one big vibrator theyres using on that stick
UC: well… you saw the size of the snake/condom/tie Edward had. She expects a lot
Moon: these girls are professional, don’t come bringing just your every day machinery to the set
UC: in non-porn flick news, Kristen’s fake hair looks extra pretty here
Moon: SERIOUSLY love her hairs here
Bella loves a good deal
UC: Bella’s hungry here- look at her eyes
Moon: someone better get her a mountain lion stat
Moon: and her slutty tank top
UC: peeping through, is that lace?
UC: wow… stepped up to the $7 aisle in wal-mart
Moon: yea they had a sale on lingerie at the goodwill
UC: ah. that explains it
Moon: she got 4 bras for a quarter
Whew! We made it through another! What say you?