Someone sent us an email yesterday with some “suggestions” and one of them was “be nicer to KStew.” We took it to heart. Kinda. We have two different fan letters offering some KStew love and some KStew, uh, not love. PS this is long. But worth it. Trust
Kristen Stewart – Stop Making Me Feel Bad For You.
Do you have a lot of free time on your hands? Did the long break between New Moon and Eclipse make you go a little crazy? Because I do not see any other case why you would be haunting my dreams trying to make me feel bad for you. Yes, I call you a possum behind or your back, and tell anyone who will listen about your “keen acting style,” which I describe as a combination of blinking and the stuttering random incoherent sentences. And honestly, you get to kiss one of the hottest pieces of ass out there right now, so maybe i’m just slightly jealous of you so I talk shit about you. GET OVER IT. Its not cool to come into my dreams, also known as my Rob Fantasy Time, and be all awkward and pathetic. I know you are like that in person too, but for some strange reason my dream self feels bad for you instead of just annoyed like I am. Right now. With you. Do you not have better things to do then to bug me? Are Michael Oregano’s texts becoming far and fewer in between? You know, maybe if you don’t want him to know your secretly banging Rob on set you could try to not look so DAMN SATISFIED every time your around him. Its downright nauseating. But anyways, since you seem to have all this extra time to PESTER me with, I have come up with some ideas on how to kill some time.
- Shower Daily. I know this one seems like a hassle and Rob likes you dirty, but damn girl. I could deep fry some french fries with the grease coming out of your hair. And maybe while you’re in there you can sing little melodies to yourself like the one you sing in Into The Wild – because HOT DAMN that was shit was B.O.M.B., right?
- Find Shirts That Fit You Correctly. This I think will help you kill time the most. You seem to think that if you just knot your shirt on the side then its good to go – its not. INSTEAD, why don’t you just buy clothes in your size? Judging by the recent picture I saw of you, I’d say you’re about a 2 days from anorexic, or maybe 3. I can’t be sure, but that’s what dressing rooms are there for. (I KNOW!! Who’s of thought people would want to try stuff on before they bought it!!? Crazy!!)
- Get Back Together With Michael. Now you are not the President so I’m pretty sure you don’t give a shit about your approval rating, but I am telling you it will SKYROCKET if you get back with Michael and let everyone think Rob is available again. Plus, Michael seems like a pretty good guy, and I’m sure after a bong and a half old memories will come rushing back to you – and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the smelly unclean British boy.
- Go Be A Guest Star On a Crappy TV Show Trying To Be Like Twilight. Have you heard of all the ones they’ve made? Its almost ridiculous – I can’t keep up. But if you’re wanting to kill some time and feel like showing off those acting chops, I’m sure any show would be ECSTATIC to have you. It’d be like a visit from the mother ship, the creator, their very reason for being – Or at least that is how your agent could pitch it so you get mega $$ for doing like 10 minutes of some blinking and sighing. I wouldn’t want to burden you with having to learn actual lines that you’ll probably just change anyway to something more artistic. You know add a couple um’s, you know’s, like’s, uh’s and mMm’s – signature KStew Style.
- Try To NOT Get Photographed Doing Illegal Things. In case you forgot, you are not invisible. So every time you go outside to light up a little MaryJane, we can all see you. And those of us with cameras are going to take advantage of it. You might have noticed that one time when you and Michael were smoking on what looks like your front porch some bright flashes. NO, those were not hallucinations from some DOPE SHIT, those were camera flashes snapping away as you slowly get stoned. Then this summer I saw leaked pictures of you sipping on some Heinkien. Honey, we’re in America and in case you didn’t get around to noticing – the drinking age here is 21.
*Sigh* I’m hoping you’ll put my suggestions to good use. I know you’re a busy girl, but these things could really help your image too. You’ll be cleaner and well-liked, and I’ll sleep better and stop being angry for feeling bad for you. Its a WIN WIN. Now, listen up closely Stewart if I see your face again after I post this I’m going to take that as a F*CK YOU, JanuaryMorning. Which, in which case means all out war – and you will lose. K, great – well I’m glad we got this all cleared up and I confessed all the things I say about you so when we meet you’re not surprised or anything.
Hoping To NEVER See You (in my dreams) Again,
That was the KStew love letter. Read the hate after the jump. Haha, I’m so funny. That was the anti-KStew letter, this is KStew love:
I’ve noticed a shift in your readership. Sure, there are still some Kstew haters among our masses, but it seems that the people of the LTT/LTR world are starting to appreciate the Stew a little more these days. I’m not saying they love her. I’m not saying they understand her. But i am saying that i remember a time when her name brought about pure hatred and it seems that the times they are a changing and people are starting to open their minds up to accepting her. As someone who, in the beginning, had a sort of ambivalence to the Stew, i’m seriously content to see this. Nowadays, if there was a card to carry, i’d be a card-carrying Kristen Stewart fan. I get her. I appreciate her. And, I honestly think she is exactly what this franchise needed. Her presence helped to make Twilight not just some other teen movie. If she had been some play by the books, smile and nod, sugar coated Hollywood tween princess, the Twilight train wouldn’t be trucking like it is in so many different demographic brackets. Because, regardless of what people want to think, Twilight is more than just the books and the movies. It’s the actors and the directors and everything else that plays into it that makes it what it is. Kristen’s got spunk (pun intended) and she makes no apologies. She’s leading the pack, along with her other not so run-of-the-mill castmates, in keeping things interesting. That’s why some people love her and that’s why some people hate her. But there’s so much more to the girl than first meets the eye. She’s been said to be sweet, caring, intelligent, and kind. But if you need cold, concrete evidence to convince you of why you shouldn’t write her off just yet, i’d like to take a “lesson in listing” approach to help some of your readers maybe find something about the Stew that they can love. Therefore, without further adieu, I give you…
The 13.5 not so apparent reasons why a person could grow to love Kristen Stewart as developed by Calli while sloshing back some vodka:
1. She is not Avril “i give the finger so as to make myself appear edgy and cool but really I’m just insecure and need to be relevant” Lavigne. When Kristen Stewart gives the finger she actually means it. She, in not so many words, wants you to Eff off because you are effing annoying her. Make no mistakes.
secret2. She is not Miley“i go for ‘jogs’ in cut off jeans and a string bikini top because that makes sense” Cyrus. Kristen Stewart doesn’t want you to know she can run. Hell, for all we know, she doesn’t even like to do it. Self proclaimed “skinny fat” she isn’t going around running the second she spots a camera to allude to caring about her physical health. KStew running is all about survival.
2 and a 1/2. Nor is she Miley “i’m gonna pretend to wear a band shirt of a band whose name i probably can’t even pronounce so that i can seem cool and in the know while the only thing i really know about music is how to lip sync to it while scandalously gyrating my hips on a pole while it plays in the background” Cyrus. If Kristen Stewart is wearing a band shirt, you can pretty much guarantee she can name actual songs the band plays and actual members of the band. This is why you don’t see her in any Nsync or Backstreet Boy band shirts… because, let’s be honest, she’s got no effing clue who they are.
3. She’s not MaryKate “i hear plaid is cool so i’m gonna wear it but in this really sloppy way so that it only looks like the outfit cost a few bucks when the reality is that my salary from the first season of full house just barely covered the price of this shirt and hence why i’m pantless” Olsen. I mean, say what you will about Kristen and her love for plaid, but at least she remembers to put on bottoms with her plaid. Because, since i’m on an honesty kick here, we all know plaid is nothing if it doesn’t have a complementary jean fabric to go along with it. KStew, the true fan of plaid that she is, knows this.
4. She is not AnnaLynne “i only eat phallic looking items in sexual ways to create buzz because i’m trying to garner attention so that i can do more than play a skinny betch on a remake show” McCord. Kristen Stewart eats like a normal person. Even worse, she eats crap and drinks coke. But not just any coke, girlfriend drinks REGULAR effing COKE. Based off of the fact that she’s eating something resembling a dessert version of a hot pocket, she probably eats hot pockets too. she eats things that are bad for you and doesn’t apologize.
5. She is not Ashley “i’m gonna wear a hat to pretend to be evasive but really i spent $100+++ on this hat and made sure it was appropriately cute and trendy and still let you see all of my face” Tisdale. No way Jose. When Kristen Stewart wears a baseball hat she wants you to NOT see her face. She’s using that hat to her full advantage to block you the eff out. She went into that thrift store and said “give me the cheapest, best face blocking hat you’ve got” and that’s what she rocks.
6. She is not Hayden “what do you mean you aren’t supposed to see my butt cheeks when i bend over in my shorts” Panitiere. Unlike some starlets, Kristen Stewart seems to realize that sometimes less is not more and the occasional modesty goes a long way. She learned from those New Moon boys that jorts are tricky and they frey with wash. so start em long and toss em when the breeze to the crotchal area is going way to strong. A tad bit of knowledge the chic she replaced in Panic Room could have used.
7. She is not Heidi/Lauren/Audrina/Whitney “i make magazine covers because …. well i’m not really sure why but i do” Montage/Conrad/Partdrige/Port. Kristen Stewart makes magazine covers because she is an actress and can… oh i don’t know… what’s the word? oh yeah. ACT.
8. She is not Paris “watch me parade around my dog because i love him and that’s the popular thing to do but don’t ask me what his name is because i can’t remember and i can’t read it off the tag either because that would require me to actually be able to read” Hilton. Kristen Stewart genuinely loves her animals. She only brings them out when its time to visit the vet because she’s not one of those people who parades around animals to create a nurturing persona. She could give a flying F if you think she’s nurturing. Hell no. She brings her pets to the vet so they don’t die. Robert “bubble bursting” Pattinson clued her in and she isn’t about to start effing around.
9. She is not Kristin “i’m even less relevant than those other Hills girls so, sure paparazzi, i would love to turn me pumping gas into a photoshoot, get my good side, make sure i’m smiling pretty” Cavallari. Kristen Stewart does not pretend it is okay that you’ve stalked her down at a gas station. She won’t smile for you there. She will, however, try to kill you with her glare. one day it will work. i have faith. So does she. hence the glare.
10. She is not Camilla “of course i’ll pose for pictures like a bordello whore but claim to date joe jonas: vagina virgin” Belle. Kristin Stewart owns “it” (don’t lie, you all know what “it” is) and doesn’t beard around for people. If she wants to hit it… SHE. HITS. IT. She isn’t pretending to be a sex-kitten and then claiming innocence. make no qualms about it… nothing remains unconsummated with Kristen Stewart.
12. She is not Vanessa “I’m gonna pretend to be modest while constantly wearing clothes that show off my crack” Hudgens. Make no mistake, it is possible to bend in low rise jeans and not show the cheeks. It is possible to gallop up a flight of stairs and not show the cheeks. It is possible to remove your shoes at airport security and not show the cheeks (although RPattz hasn’t yet mastered that skill). Kstew’s got cheeks, but she knows how to cover them.
13. And last but certainly not least, unlike almost all of these other betches in Hollywood, she has not yet rubbed it in our faces that she is (let’s be serious people) tapping one of the most tappable asses in all of Hollywood right now. While everyone else is throwing tongues and claiming stakes, Kristen Stewart is keeping the all important dream alive but not shoving it in our faces. You’ve got to love her just the slightest bit for that.
In all seriousness though, when you google Kristen Stewart the worse thing you’re going to find on her is a picture of Kstew engaging in recreational usage of the herb almost a year ago. Google any of these other starlets and you find nudie “you aren’t gonna show these to anyone right sweets?” pics, white powder scandals, va-jay-jay flashes, evidence of drunken debauchery, countless nip-slips, general whoring, apologies for extremely un-pc jabs at peeps and all other kinds of ridiculousness. I’m not saying Kristen’s perfect. I’m not saying she’s an angel. What i am saying is that in a Hollywood world where everyone is glitter and sunshine and constant happiness her realness is a breath of fresh air. Whether they wear pink juicy sweatpants or jet-black mullets, they’ve ALL got attitudes, they ALL make rude comments, they all drink and smoke, they ALL judge and they ALL get a little slutty here and there, but at least Kristen isn’t trying to sugar coat it, she isn’t trying to hide it and she isn’t trying to make you believe in something she isn’t. She acts when she’s on the clock. the rest of the time, she’s just being Kristen.
Love it or Hate it but don’t deny it’s commendability,
p.s. I am not hating on these girls. I get what they are. hell, i’m a heel teetering, vodka on the rocks sloshing, artificially sorta-blond 20-something who sometimes smiles when i really wanna punch you in the face while i wear oversized sunglasses and designer items i probably can’t actually afford (ask UC and/or Brookelockart for verification). If i were to ever become famous and you google imaged me, you’d find some pretty incriminating crap. A senator’s wife i will never be. so you know, i’m a pot looking around at the other pots saying “hey… you are black too! fabulous! let’s drink together”! Don’t flame me if i ragged on your girl.
p.p.s I do not apologize for miley bashing. i may bop my head to that song of hers, but i do it with a grimace on my face.
Well, there you have it! A lover.. and a hater….Where do YOU fit in on the love/hate KStew scale!?