Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

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If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?
Me: Shut up
Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?
Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…
Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles
Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend
: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it
Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward
Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?
Me: Who’s gay now?
And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

hellnoDear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

  • Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
  • Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
  • Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee- we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest!

There's no way Rob won't want you in this!

There's no way Rob won't want you in this!

TIFFANIZED congrats on winning whatever Twilight T-shirt you desire from CafePress. Pick a good one and wear it proudly!!!!!

Tiffanized’s winning outfit was:

A – Crappy wig in honor of the synthetic nightmares worn by Taylor, Jackson and Rosalie.
B – Slutty Bella’s Wal-Mart cami (actually from Wal-Mart, on clearance for $6. Truth.
C – Pink assless chaps, for riding motorcycles in my attempts to summon Ghostward.
D – Pink and aqua Keds Slip-ons, Twilight themed. Comfortable AND fashionable. And they match my assless chaps.
E – Cullen crest tattoo, because I am COMMITTED, dammit.
F – Twilight flask. Because there’s no way this is happening if I’m sober.

Congrats, Tiff! Your outfit is amazing. And THANKS to everyone who entered. We loved them all and laughed so hard! To see all the entries, visit the comments of the Contest Post! And don’t worry if you haven’t won lately, we will be having plenty more contest in the upcoming months & weeks! Starting with who has the best “New Moon” ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’

Discuss your guys on The Forum
What would Rob do if he wasnt’ famous? Find out with Moon on LTR

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  • Proselyte3

    Tiffanized…it couldn’t of happened to a nicer girl. If you wear this out in public, you deserve Rob any way you want him. True words.

  • Kristen

    My hubby is also very aware and accepting of my Twi and Rob addiction. I have trained him to associate Twi/Rob with sex. So he actually encourages and promotes everything twiporn/Rob/Twitter. Worked out good for awhile, but with all this NM promo stuff coming out, I am getting worn out and he is laughing his ass off.

    Hubby’s new catch phrase is “glitter bomb.” In fact, while I was typing this, he just sent me a random e-mail that said “glitter bomb. See you at home. Rob is waiting.” Uggg, what did I get myself into?

  • cledbo

    Big ups shout out to my not-sister wife and Prez of the Den of Sin, Tiff!! That wig is the bomb.

    I had secretly planned to go to the midnight NM screening with a Twi-mom I know, but totally had my cover blown. She brought the tix to work (her husband is Mr Cledbo’s boss) and Mr Cledbo then proceeded to act all offended that I hadn’t invited him.

    Mr.C: “You know, I would have come with you. Those werewolves look pretty good.”
    C: “Yeah, no. This is my fangirl squee time, and you’d cramp my lack of style.”

    Also, his word for whenever I’m on the internet is “tweening” – even when I’m actually reading the news, he doesn’t believe me. And he caught me reading FF once, which I told him was my girly-porn, but this didn’t seem to excite him at all. Boring!!

  • southernbelle

    My husband usually only says something if I bring it up. :-) Every now and then he will use it to his advantage to get “what” he wants!

    OMG that outfit! Hahah! That’s so funny! I dare you tiffanized to actually wear that!

    That pic w/ the woman on top of the man…I kept thinking where did I hear that “cookie” before. Finally I figured out it was from Wide Awake, duh! :-)

  • cedvanhalen

    I totally got my bf into Twilight. It took a while, but eventually he gave in and watched it. And now he’s coming to see New Moon with me. AND I’m pretty sure he’s on Team Edward. Although I don’t really think he knows what the means.

    His two theories about what happens in New Moon: Edward dies, or Edward sells his soul. Why? I don’t know…

    Here is a conversation we had the other day:
    Me: Taylor Lautner is pretty hot for a 17 year old.
    Him: You know, they put people in jail for that..

  • operarose

    This post is so funny (as usual). You’ll have to post a follow-up if someday you do find out that the unicorn is your uncle!

    I first read Twilight back in 2007 before it had movies and tshirts and a soundtrack and 2nd hand embarassing etsy stores and I remember telling my boyfriend about how obsessed I was with this “vampire book that’s different than other vampire books”… he politely listened. Fast forward about a year or so later after I’d seen the movie and blabbed on about Edward one too many times… he had a meltdown and I vowed never to talk about Edward with him again. So what do I do? I marched out, vowing revenge, and created my own little pack of unicorns! Yes that’s right. I convinced a good male friend of mine to read the book by saying that “guys would not like this book” (he loves a challenge, especially when it involves reading or pop culture)… he ended up ordering the rest of the book set on Amazon as soon as he finished Twilight. We’ve since debated a great deal about the finer points of the series and movies. Then, I had my sister-in-law read the series and she of course loved it and had her husband read it (so that’s Unicorn #2 by extension). Finally, I took both of my sister-in-laws to the movie opening night with me and the other sis who did not read the book enjoyed the movie so much she bought it when it came on DVD and had her husband watch it. He ended up telling me how much he kept thinking about it. Both brother-in-laws are begging us to take them with us to NM opening night. Ah-hah… unicorn #3. (it’s still up for debate whether or not we will take them opening night… I am thinking we should make them wear cutesy tshirts. One Team Jacob, one Team Edward, perhaps?!)

    Meanwhile my boyfriend is still familiar with Edward these days, but since I told him I was MUCH more into the “wolf guy who lives in the woods and has lots of muscles” than the “sparkly gay vampire” (as he refers to Edward) he seems to tolerate the occasional mention of Twilight. That, and the fact that I have managed to turn so many Unicorns and don’t seem remotely into turning him anymore, seems to have made him relax at mention of Twilight and act glad to be “off the hook.” Anyways, I think it’s best for our relationship if he doesn’t know about the movie – I think buttcrack santa and spider monkey would provide enough material for him to mock me for a lifetime.

    Anyways, long story short. If your significant other isn’t going to be bitten by Twilight, I highly recommend you compensate for that by pulling a Carlisle and turning your own “coven” of unicorns. It’s oddly satisfying (and surprisingly easy).

    Sorry for the lame metaphor.

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  • Sabrina

    The other day Mr. Sabrina and I were in Target and I spied a grey peacoat on the rack. He just looked at me with this disgusted look and said Don’t even think about it. There is no way in Hell I am gonna wear that.

    Then last night he wondered out loud how my sparkly vampires would fare if they were released out in space… Would they implode? Totally random and weird.

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    • http://letterstotwilight.com unintendedchoice

      hi

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