How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin

We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!

107-year-old-virgin-lrg

Edward Cullen: Virgin

Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,

(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)

Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins.  My very best friend was one of them.  Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight.  The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker.  She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.

She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into.  Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right?  It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side.  I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader.  I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie.  Better that than nothing, right?

It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card…  It’s not something you should ever take lightly.  In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.

107-year-old-virgin-lrg

Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

Are We Both Ready?  Things to consider before it’s too late.

  • Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight.  Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on.  Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc.  Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper.  You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in.  The DVD, I mean…
  • Make sure it’s 100% consensual.  The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion.  You don’t want to force this on them.  If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience.  No regrets!
  • They should be of appropriate age.  There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here.  Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
  • Understand the risks.  If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did.  She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over.  Remember: there’s no going back.

Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump!

mike.newton.virgin

Mike Newton: Virgin (but he's a dry humping champion)

Setting the Mood

  • You’ll want to make sure there are no possible interruptions or distractions.  A cold, rainy Saturday afternoon with nothing better to do?  Roommates/family all gone?  Perfect.  You may even want to go so far as to shut off your cell phones.  Nothing can kill your “I just want to try one thing” ladyboner quite like a text from your brother.
  • This may not be the classiest suggestion but… Getting her liquored up couldn’t hurt.  I’ve seen the movie 7 times, only twice sober.  I would wholeheartedly recommend breaking open a bottle of wine.  Each.  But pace yourselves, you want to cherish this special moment, not spend it passed out on the bathroom floor.
  • More adventurous souls may want to experiment by introducing food to spice things up.  My recommendation?  Cupcakes.  It’s impossible to have a bad time when cupcakes are involved.  Icing makes everything better.
110509_kellannikki

Nikki Reed: Not a virgin

Setting Expectations

  • You’ll probably want to explain to her that there’s a very good chance the first time isn’t going to rock her world.  It might be a little awkward.  Painful, even.  Sitting through 122 mins chock full of blinking and stuttering isn’t pleasurable for everyone, you know.
  • Delivering a few warnings could be helpful.  For example, you may want to explain that some of the dialogue and characters were the creation of Cougar & Co., and were not part of the books which “ZOMG!1! are so much better and you NEED to read them.”  But avoid getting into too much gory detail about Buttcrack Santa and “spider monkey” – you don’t want to scare her off.  There will be plenty of time to discuss the highs, lows, and areas for improvement afterward.

Doing the Deed

  • Break out that wine, dim the lights, and get comfortable – it’s time to get down to business!
  • Do your best not to giggle too much and resist the temptation to get too giddy or fangirl squee. Remember: if she doesn’t enjoy the same parts you do, it’s just because she’s inexperienced.  WE know “ANIMAL ATTACK” is funny, but this is all new to her and she doesn’t know any better.  Saying “how you likin’ da movie gurrrllll” will most definitely garner strange looks, so I would advise refraining from Mike-Newton-speak for now.  You can laugh together at it another time once she’s more experienced.
  • If she asks “that’s it?” afterward, don’t be offended.  Practice makes perfect, right?  Maybe she just needs to give it another shot.  Or twelve.
renesmee

Renesmee: Virgin (But only until she's 7. Then Jacob's gonna be hittin' that) *remind me why we like this book series again?

If all goes well and they fall in love with all things Twi, then you may very well have found yourself a new Twi Life Partner.  You can discuss the books at length, drool over Rob, hate on Kristen and her mullet, gush over DILF Chris Weitz and everything [it seems] he’s done right with New Moon, maybe even take your Pocket Edward’s on a pilgrimage to the Twi Mecca of Forks to act out scenes from the movie.  Endless possibilities!  Alternatively, if they enjoy it but don’t fall head over heels in love, or just don’t feel like putting in the effort to read thousands of pages of vampire tween romance, never fear: you still have someone who likes to get drunk and watch Twilight with you.  Basically, you’ve got yourself a Twi Booty Call.

Note: if you’re lucky enough to have a unicorn on your hands (that’s what she said), the above tips do not apply.  As we all know, men don’t need much in the way of buttering up.  Your best bet is just to take control, get in there and get it over with (if-you-know-what-I’m-sayin’-and-I-think-you-do-because-this-whole-letter’s-been-chock-full-of-creepy-sexual-innuendos).  The wine is still a good idea.

As for me and my friend, the big day was this past Saturday and it went well.  I was nervous, but she enjoyed the movie (namely because it was so bad it was good).  She even laughed at “ANIMAL ATTACK”! She may give the books a shot and definitely wants to see New Moon.  In fact, just last night I got an IM from her after she spotted the trailer on TV that said: “The Native American kid is a WOLF!  I KNEW IT.  I mean… not that I care?”  Oh, I think we have ourselves a keeper, ladies.

Be Safe,

HeyyyBrother

Go make a friend on The Forum to go see New Moon with.
then hop on over to LTR to drool over Rob

Who’s Twilight virginity have YOU taken!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • Ali

    okay so for me i just casually dropped twilight hints to me best friend and she just kept saying don’t worry i’m gonna read them, then two christmas ago she asked for the books so i got her the first one and weeks later she said dont worry i’ll get to it. so finally i said if you dont want to read them you dont have too (even though i was dying to have someone to talk to about them), then she admits that she’s really not a reader and just cant seem to just sit and read, she gets to distracted and starts doing other things. so i tell her how she can download the books and put them on her ipod so she doesnt have to read them she can just listen to them. she downloaded them but said the voice was annoying, so finally she says how about you read them to me? i thought she was joking so i laughed. she looked at me and said i’m serious. so the next time she came to my house i started to read them. i was pretty far into them when i looked up at her and realized she was sleeping!! i was so angry that i hit her in the head with the book and asked her what the last thing she remembered me saying was and she said she remembers me talking about bella going into the office to get her schedule for her first day. that meant that i had lost her at least 3 chapters back and i was so engaged with the book that i hadnt even realized she was asleep. needless to say my attempt to take her twilight virginity was unsuccessful =[

  • http://86rabbit.wordpress.com ’86 Rabbit

    Great ideas there HeyyyBrother. Well done, especially the part about your friend’s reaction.

  • korry

    My friend decided to watch Twilight on her own to see the big deal. She was believing the haters and shyed away from it. The night she watched it she texted me ” Guess what I’m watching?” So I texted back my answer to every question, no matter what it is “Twilight.” Of course, this one time that answer was correct. I tried not to get overly excited. Too soon. Did want to make sudden movements. Later that night sheshe told me she loved it. I was still unsure. I had one friend who said she did but than rudely told me she didn’t. I was crushed. So I was wary. By the 20th time she watched it & asked to read the book. She was hooked and that’s all she thinks about. I have a buddy for New Moon. I’m really thrilled. Dreams can come true.

  • Ish

    My pals are all twi nuns, they know but they chose to abstain. Last night walked past miovie theater and couldn’t refrain myself from stroking new moon poster and recieved very strange looks. BUT I’m a hit with all the 11 year olds in our family.

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  • Alice

    I deflowered all my gals (gosh, that’s puse cheese!) just by showing them Rob’s photos (yeah, he can do stuff only with his looks, not involving banana peen), when they get interested enough, I produce books, and after they finish reading Twilight, I lend them my film copy on DVD. If they are not hooked after that – they are not in my team :-)

  • Alice

    BTW, where did you get that picture of Renesmee? I think it’s perfect!

  • Kitcam

    This was exactly what I’d been looking for! I’d been working on taking my younger sister’s card, and she was being a huge tease about the whole thing (we’re talkin major Edwards fave color on Bella balls here). Finally last week she read all 4 books in less than a week and the rest is a very common story. Yep, 1st she read Midnight Sun, then since she was there checked out the rest of SM’s website and so on. I just hope she doesn’t notice my comment here because she still in the “I’m not as Twitarded as you” stage and I don’t want to give her any ammunition.

  • Agnete

    I “forced” my best friend to read all four Twilight books, go to the pre-premier of Twilight and watch the commentary version of Twilight with me. Forcing definitely doesn’t work!!! She’s not really into Twilight – But as the good friend she is, she puts up with me talking about Rob, Twilight and all the news. Plus she has promised to go see New Moon with me, even though she knows that I will be squealing, crying, sighing like a tweenage girl. She doesn’t know the full extend of my twi-hardness (FanFic, cyber-stalking, twittering as my Twi-persona, the fact that Rob is number one on my list and not Johnny Depp or Jim Sturgess) – But she accepts my obsession and doesn’t laugh at me!

  • Tonya

    So, a family member asked me if i’ve read the Twilight bks mentioning her friend had been trying to get her into it. Having read all of the books twice already i jumped at the chance to get her hooked (i am 25 and she is 32), plus i need a buddy to check out New Moon with me in a few days ! I quickly offered her my book to borrow, it took her 2 days to read it and she’s renting the movie tonite. She will be borrowing new moon on Saturday. Regardless she said, she was absolutely ready to see New Moon !! I felt it so ironic this happend just two days after reading this about Twilight virgins. Yes i stole her twilight virginty from her friend but i’ll be with her when new moon opens and i cannot freaking wait ! I will admit I watched the movie before I ever read the book, but the story captivated me and I have been hooked since March of 09′. I am grateful for you ladies and the stories you share. Here’d adding one more Twilight virgin to the books

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