Dear Chris Weitz,
A few weeks back Moon had her chance to gush over you and THEN got to meet you and shake your hand at the Billboard music event. We’ve been sharing with the world (aka the followers on twitter) daily what a DILF we think you are and then in true LTT fashion, because nothing is sacred to us, we totes went and made fun of your horrible, awful, your “wife probably called you the minute the first picture leaked and demanded you remove them”, yellow pants. We feel bad. Because in watching all the interviews with you this week, and seeing you tweet about your “yellow pants committing suicide,” we feel like you may be aware of LTT and may have “heard” us poke fun of the awfulness of the pants. We’re not sorry we said it, cause those pants deserve to burn, but we want to reassure you that you’re still our favy Twi DILF.
A few weeks back, when Moon was off somewhere crafting yet another plan to do yet another Twilight/Rob related thing to make everyone jealous, Calliope and I got to talking about the New Moon Soundtrack you and…. well, you’ll see
“I’m loving it”
Calliope: are you loving soundtrack?
UC: loving- I’m on my first listen right now!
UC: i may have switched to bon iver being my fav. i mean.. lykke li = amazing. but it’s bon iver. and i love him but then the grizzly bear…jeez..and this is what I’ve decided. (i shall tell Chris Weitz in a letter soon) New Moon LOOKS amazing; New Moon SOUNDS amazing; New Moon is a GREAT story, so as long as the acting is AMAZING, the movie will be AWESOME- it all falls on their acting and well….we’ll see
Calliope: yep. i think Kristen will be much more believable as Bella here. I think Weitz was the proper director for her… Hardi was too all over the place
UC: I hope! and Rob better not suck it (cuz sometimes he does) Hardi is crazy balls
Calliope: the puppy’s acting is also up for consideration
UC: Yes.. the puppy better lower his voice. Dude.. WTF is this Lupe Fiasco bonus track on the soundtrack? Omg… I’m dying. I will stop it and never listen again
Calliope: if rob’s acting sucks I’m blaming it on the apparition effect
UC: let’s just blame anything wrong with it on Hardi
UC: Seriously.. did you see that picture of Chris Weitz in the studio that @twilight tweeted? He has adorable sticking out ears! I would marry him if I weren’t already married. I’d walk right up to the studio where he’s been working day and night and say.. hey Chris marry me. I’d wear something slutty..
Calliope: oh. mae. gawd. listening to that lupe song now.
UC: TURN IT OFF- I will delete it from my iTunes, I mean it. I skipped over the opera too- i can’t handle it after indie amazingness
Calliope: Okay, I skipped to “the Meadow.” OMG i heart Weitz. I want to send him a gift basket to thank him for what he’s done with new moon, but not a cheesy fruit gift basket…like a serious thoughtful gift basket
UC: yes! let’s ponder this What would it include?
Calliope: An inspirational quote book (Because he’s sensitive and would totally get it)
UC: perhaps a mix tape too.. Champagne..chocolate..book of poetry- all the things we’d need, just in case he decided to take me up on my offer to ‘thank him’
Calliope: when I was in B&N yesterday possibly scanning the racks for one of the bazillion twi-gang covers I know I’m gonna buy, I saw a journal with “stay calm and carry on” on it… and I LEGIT wanted to buy it for him. I’d Etsy him a dartboard with the studio heads responsible for Golden Compass (plus one with Nicole Kidman’s face on it because her excessive use of Botox had to have had something to do with why it tanked, as well.)
UC: Perhaps we could also use a Rachelle pillow? Since he was the last to use her?
We talk football (seriously) after the jump!
Calliope: Doesn’t that pic of him in the studio almost look like he is posing for his senior varsity football pic? Because he looks like he always wanted to play football but never got around to it
UC: he was too busy listening to indie music
Calliope: too busy trying to get girls to eat pie’s with him while he videotaped
UC: planning to one day insert perfect songs in a movie that will not tank. He should’ve listened to more Lupe Fiasco. Then he would’ve gotten on the football team
Calliope: BAHAHA yep the lack of Lupe was totes a cockblock for the Weitz
UC: Chris is gonna blow us away. I know it. Again.. acting better live up to it. I know Justin Chon’s got it in the bag
Calliope: omg he’s perfected the “guy you date in high school who ends up being gay thus making you question your worth as a woman” thing down pat
UC: Seriously…. I blame Harid haha! Not Hagrid from Harry Potter. I mean “Hardi” from “Happy hour at Applebees Monday thru Friday”
Calliope: I really don’t get it. it’s like fine. hire someone gay to play a boyfriend of a teenaged girl… but make sure he can play it not gay you know?
UC: right.. weren’t any other Asian actors available?
Calliope: I mean because you know there is some teenaged girl sitting in the audience who as been wondering for a few months now why her boyfriend won’t go near her downstairs ever and noticing some not so straight tendencies in him… like wearing business casual to high school and she’s thinking “maybe he’s gay” but then she sees twilight/new moon and sees yorkie and is like “well, look at that yorkie is just like my boyf but i KNOW he’s not gay because he dates angela and he’s not gay in the books even though his name is ben in the books” and she continues to live the lie
UC: It’s like Gay BFF Rob that we posted a few week back! Oh no! Are we feeding the lie? That girl reads that and thinks “Oh, if Rob wears a sequined vest, it’s not odd that my boyfriend does too” She sees Rob as a creepy uncle & thinks that her boyfriend’s high, soft-pitched girly voice is also appropriate.”If Rob and Eric Yorkie do it, then it must be okay”
Uh.. okay maybe there were some tangents there, Chris… but all in all, we’re glad you didn’t make the team and decided to become a director instead. At least now you can wear your yellow pants to cool red carpet events in Europe! If you HAD been a star on the high school football team, you would instead be wearing your yellow pants while sitting on the couch balancing a cheese steak on your gut and opening a can of Bud light while watching guys like you on TV!
Can’t wait to see your & Eric Yorkie’s work!