The one where Cathy the Cougar gets a love letter
Moon & I bet on what New Moon would make domestically its first weekend. I guessed low hoping I’d win by default because Moon guessed too high, but she schooled me. She guessed 140.1 million and it brought in 142.8 million. Amazing. I wish she’d be right when I ask her to guess Rob’s jitterbug phone number. My punishment for losing? Love letter to the Cougar:
Dear Cathy the Cougar,
Every time I write that- Cathy the Cougar- I think of Tony the Tiger. And me and Tony had some good times when I was growing up- well, until I realized that if I kept inhaling multiple bowls of him every day, I’d end up with hips like my Great Aunt Jane. I haven’t seen Tony in a few years….That’s pretty radical.
So I’m supposed to be writing you a love letter, but this is quite the difficult task because for the past few months we’ve called you all sorts of special names we made up just for you and said some things some would consider not so nice. We’re honest girls, though, and I’m not here to apologize for what we felt had to be said. In order to get me into the mindset of “Cathy the Cougar love,” I asked around on Twitter to see what others would say to you if they had the chance. Some would thank you for foreseeing the potential in Taylor’s abs, therefore boosting the economy in Georgia. There’s mixed feelings on the brutal slaughter of yet another one of Charlie’s friends. While on one hand we love the introduction of Buttcrack Santa into the story (for all the obvious reasons such as those little bottles, the song about kitties and the image forever imprinted in our minds of an old, creepy man’s buttcrack hanging out while driving around in one of those rape vans, wearing a santa hat), we hate that he had to be killed off. Such a lovable character gone- forever…Many twitterers were thankful you did such a lousy job with Twilight because it really makes Chris Wetiz’ work, which might otherwise be considered sub-par, really stand out as a beautiful work of art. Most regard your casting Kristen as Bella as your biggest feat, but only because she fought for the casting of Rob Pattinson. Awesome
So as I’ve been pondering what I’d like to say to you, I realized we’re really not that different. Sure, I’m young and hip and dress well and would never in a million years wear corn rows in my hair no matter how good the reefer was that I got from the lover named Bongo Wailer that I met on my 3 day cruise to Jamaica, but I can name a few things we have in common. I, myself, enjoy the occasional happy hour cocktail just like you. However, I tend to skip the suburban chain establishments and go for something a little classier, but I get why you regard Applebees, TGIFridays and Chilies* as some of your favorites. The bars in those places offer a fine opportunity to meet young guys, home on their college breaks. Heck- it only takes four $6.99 Ultimate Pina Coladas to get you drunk enough that you don’t even ask to see the guy’s ID before taking him back to “THE mattress” in your Venice beach pad. Plus if you stuff yourself with enough “Awesome Blossom” before chugging down the drinks and hi-tailing it outta there with the under-aged guy, you’ll already be so satisfied that even Chris Hansen knocking on your door at 4 am won’t kill your buzz. The awesome blossom always gives off good vibes.
Sometimes I hate Kristen Stewart too (as you clearly do since you keep throwing her under the bus) what with all the sex she’s most likely having with Robert Pattinson? No fair! You MADE those two. Shouldn’t you get a little somethin’ somethin’? That’s how I feel. Who would Robsten be without our constant bashing of them and refusal to accept or respect their relationship? No one would care about Robsten if we sat around and talked about their magicness and wrote letters gushing about what wonderful things they tell each other in notes left in each other’s dressing rooms (K: “You seriously smell so bad you’re starting to smell good again. I’ll probably go down on you tonight.” R: “Did you rub my favorite scent behind your ears? Pepperoni and processed cheese? You smell so delicious”) I just know we’ve both considered what it might take to get closer to Rob- bathing in Heineken, dying our hair black and chopping it of while wearing a blindfold or even, most desperately, joining the Land of Dreamers, working our way up through the Amway chain until we finally get to date one of the Brit pack and hopefully go on a couples vacation with Rob & Kristen (let’s cross our fingers for Jamaica) where we can spike their Bahama Mamas and take advantage of Rob while he’s out cold on a patio chair by the pool.
But enough about us, we can gush about our similarities next time we get together for AppleBeeTinis. Thank you for your quirky, hippy ways- without which we would not have brilliant lines to make fun of such as “Hold on tight spider monkey.” Thank you for your really creepy obsession with Robsten, because that’s why we have Robert Pattinson. Thank you for Buttcrack Santa. Seriously. You deserve an Oscar for Best Director for that move. Thank you for listening when Rob refused to wear hair extensions. Thank you for directing a really crappy movie version of a book I love so much because it made last Friday morning and last night’s movie going experiences SO MUCH BETTER. Thank you for being a good sport for all the success of New Moon. Oh well, 5 out of 6 isn’t so bad. So….Now that we’re BFFs, any chance you’ll let me have a night on THE mattress?
Love and radical vibes,
*Since we have so many newbies I often try to think WHEN a joke came to be & why. I have NO idea why we started saying Cathy Hardi likes to hang out at TGIFridays or Applebees. We just did. And it rules.
Thanks to Twitter pals: Too_Far_Gone, MeganSpilman, struhar2009, JMaht, Krystle_eWe, PinkFluffGirl, _dharv, mandaliz22, itslapushbaby
And Thank you to Da Raggae Name Generator