Dear David Slade,
I was asked to write a letter about what I’m thankful for this Twi-giving—I mean, Thanksgiving. I couldn’t think of anything. I mean, I’m grateful for the usual stuff like having a house to live in and not being dead from some horrible disease. But relative to Twilight, I’ve got nothing left to say that hasn’t been said before.
So instead, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re going to deliver an incredible movie with Eclipse. In advance, I thank you for the following:
The Leg Hitch.
I know you already have this “in the can”. If Jesus loves me, and the song tells me He does, you spent six weeks of your filming schedule on the leg hitch alone. Like those action movies where they show the car exploding from eight points of view, so should you show the Hitch from every possible vantage point. Front angles, back angles, aerial views, slo-mo, hidden cameras in the inseam of Bella’s pajama pants–I want it all. Also, sound effects are pivotal here. No music (unless you can convince Tom Jones to let you use “You Can Leave Your Hat On”—that would be epic). Only the sound of fabric-on-fabric as Edward slides Bella’s leg over his hip. I know you won’t let me down. So thank you for that.
Edward’s mother’s ring. The one he guilts Bella into letting him give her. You’re not cheaping out on this one, are you? Because you know that Hot Topic is going to sell a replica of it, and you know that I’m going to buy it and wear it around just like I had good sense. So you hired a real jeweler to create the most stunning engagement ring, and you didn’t pay any attention to the way Stephenie Meyer described it, because it sounds god-awful big and tacky in the book. You did these things because you love me, and because I’m faithful enough to thank you in advance, and because you don’t want to see eight million shoddy imitations of an ugly ring at the premiere. I know you did. Thank you.
The Tent Scene.
I want to know what EXACTLY Edward is seeing in Jacob’s mind during the tent scene. I don’t care if it appears in a poorly superimposed thought bubble above Taylor’s head, so long as I see Jacob doing all the freaky stuff he wants to do to/with Bella. You’ve certainly filmed this in glorious detail, you dirty, tiny man. I appreciate it.
I know you’ve already got a message in with Tom Jones’ people about “You Can Leave Your Hat On”, but I’m hoping you’re working on getting rights to “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls for that non-canon “Edward alone in his room” scene you filmed. Also, we haven’t gotten any decent rap songs with the franchise, and I heard 50 Cent say he was a fan. You’ve taken advantage of this to get Fiddy to do a cameo as the entertainment Alice hired for the graduation party, haven’t you? You’re the tops.
So, Dave, you have a pair of giant yellow pants to fill now that we’ve seen the DILF’s New Moon. Today I’ve given you preemptive thanks, which will be revoked immediately upon a poorly delivered leg hitch, a detail free tent scene, a gaudy ring or a boring soundtrack. Don’t make me hunt you down in June.
P.S. Seriously, though, I’m thankful for Moon and UC, who, despite presumably having real jobs and living three thousand miles apart, manage to seamlessly bring us Twilight-related content with heaping side dishes of snark every day. Even Sunday. I’ll admit to being so lazy I don’t even read on the weekends. Anyway, I’m not just saying this because I’m three days late handing in this assignment. Without Bunny and Noreen I’d be on some other Twi-site, in a sea of Twimoms and squealing fourteen-year-olds, with the WordPress user name “Mrs. Cullen”, posting comments like, “ZOMG Rob is so HAWT ZOMG I want to marry him and have all his babies.” Actually, I think I’ve made that exact comment on here before, so nix that. The point is, Moon and UC make me work for it, make me laugh, and generally make me feel normal. Thank you ladies.
Tiffanized- we love you. And you brought tears to my eyes. First from laughter and then from sappy feelings. It might be the anticipation of the pie I can smell in the other room though, so don’t get too big of a head. We love you. And are thankful that YOU are a part of our community! XO