Dear New Moon,
So the movie has been our for a week and 1/2 now and you’ve made a gazillion dollars, and there are rumors floating around EVERYWHERE. I thought I’d take a little time today, dig into the news and gossip, contact my sources and really do some research into the stories out there to help us determine what to believe or not. Enjoy!
1. Women everywhere have forgotten about their vintage green washer & dryer and have taken up hand washing their clothes in a bucket of cold, sudsy water, and Wal-mart has suddenly tripled inventory on the old fashioned washboard (formally found in the craft department to be used as decoration) as demand increases due to all the women recently inspired to manually scrub out the stains in their clothing:
True- thanks to Taylor Lautner’s washboard abs. He now gets a royalty check every time Wal-mart sells an old-fashioned washboard.
2. Chris Weitz has agreed to do Breaking Dawn and make it into two films
False or True or… this is still a rumor: Chris is concerned that he set the bar pretty high this time with the yellow pants and isn’t sure if he has another color of slacks to top them when it comes time for Breaking Dawn promotion. He has a cranberry pair that his mom sent him for Thanksgiving (they have a stitching of a turkey along the top) but are they good enough? It’s really a lot to consider. PLUS, two more movies to film? He’s really concerned that Robsten can’t stick it out that long. And nothing would be worse than the world’s precious star couple breaking up the night before Rob is supposed to bite pillows and tear apart headboards. So if he agrees to it and if he finds the perfect pair of pants, he will probably recast Bella. He’ll cast me. He doens’t know it yet, but he will. I sent him a pair of bedazzled, neon blue “UC & Moon” pants last week. He’ll get them any day now and he’ll be convinced. Feathers all over my naked body, here I come!
False- Sam Bradley, fed up from the lack of attention he is receiving because he isn’t suicidal enough to be on the New Moon soundtrack, hacked into the Apple Computers database and put a virus into the iPhoto program, so that anytime the program recognize an attractive male face it asks “Is this Sam Bradley?” Also on the same day, just for shits & giggles, he programmed the system to ask “Is this the Pattinson Pants Lady?” everytime a picture of Kristen Stewart appears.
4. Big Daddy was busy videotaping every moment (especially the ones where food was involved) Taylor experienced during the New Moon press tour and has been spending the last week working on an heartwarming video montage set to “You’ve got a friend in me” (Big Daddy’s head occasionally bops in and out of the bottom of the screen) for Taylor’s Christmas present:
False: This is the conversation father & son had moments before this scene:
Taylor: Dad, Dad! See that Parisian girl in the front down there? Do you see the SIZE of her boobs!? Zoom in for a close up so we can look later
Big Daddy: I got this son. Already on it
Taylor: Watch out though- I saw Chris Hansen around the corner back there. And she looks underage. I can’t lose you to him, too.
5. Rob & Kristen are in talks to be a part of a Twilight TV show where they would each make about a million of those weird looking L things (£- is that a lot?) per episode. The premise of the TV show is: A plain jane moves to Forks, WA where she meets a mysterious boy who turns out NOT to be a boy but a vampire, who is a virgin. Interested? There’s sexual tension. For forever. Because it’s a book about abstinence and Stephenie Meyer wouldn’t sign off on a show that took her book about abstinence & made it sexual like one of the other vampire shows on TV right now (that are only successful because of the sexual elements) But after the 3rd episode (and Rob & Kristen are relaxing with their cool 3 million £) and it’s announced that it is canceled, there will be a flash forward to the future where *spoiler alert*Bella & Edward are married and able to get it on for one whole episode that will be highest rated show of the network’s season causing them to rethink their canceling of the show, but they already let the entire crew go and Rob has already taken a new job (a leading role on a “Life Goes On” TV remake) so they decide to do a Renesmee/Jacob spin-off which at first glance seems like a sweet story about a young girl raised and loved by an older-brother type since her parents have basically abandoned her in order to practice “getting it on in the backseat of a Volvo” (since they missed out during their abstinent teen years), but it turns out the older brother type has plans for the little girl’s future that don’t involve things like prom and college and instead look a little more like what her parents are doing when the abandon her. A whole big scandal goes down and Chris Hansen has his highest rated show ever when he confronts execs from the Network, Summit, Taylor Lautner (now of age- oh the irony) and Buttcrack Santa, who coincidentally was hired on as “Crazy Jim,” the town’s claim to fame on Megan’s Law.
False: I made all this up. Well, except for the part about the TV show spin-off, but The Twi Lexicon said Summit said it’s not true.
So glad I could help to clear up all the rumors floating around! It’s what I do best!
*I did not photoshop this image. My computer has a mind of it’s own. Isn’t it brilliant!?