New Moon in 15 minutes

One of my fav things about the craziness of Twilight’s release last year was all the amazing spoofs written and recorded afterwards. Moon brought you the brilliant LOLCats version of New Moon yesterday, so today I bring you my favorite parts of New Moon in 15 Minutes by Cleolinda! Make sure to check out the entire post and enjoy your Sunday laugh! XO- UC

Some English Class

BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD
: So while we’re on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I’ve been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you’re just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I’m thinking… death by sparkle at high noon.
BELLA
: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER
: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
EDWARD
: *sigh*
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER
: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.

The Rainforest in Bella’s Backyard

EDWARD: So we’re all leaving town and I don’t want you to come.
BELLA
: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD
: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA
: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD
: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what’s best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we’ll call it even.
BELLA
: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN’T NO
EDWARD
: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA
: EDWARD!
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
BELLA
: EDWARD!!!
EDWARD
: *VAMPIRE HAND*
BELLA: …omg.

[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shell-shocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]

-Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
-Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
-Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT

More Stuff Happens

[Remember when] Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save [Bella?]. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one’s delicate human.

QUIL: [To Bella] Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
JACOB: HEY, DON’T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?

BELLA: Wow… you’re sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we’d be in business.
JACOB: : (

Continue the major major Cullen Smiles & laughter, after the jump!

Invigorated, Bella Rejoins the Mundanes

MIKE: So… Bella… you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I was thinking about this romantic comedy called Mike Newton Finally Makes His Move
BELLA: A movie sounds great–hey guys! Who wants to go see Face Punch: The Ultimate Cockblock?

Casa de Swan… After Dark

JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I’m mostly naked and it’s late at night?
BELLA: Wait–I don’t–you’re asking first?
JACOB: What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl’s bedroom?
BELLA: Jake, no! I haven’t opened the window yet!
JACOB: Don’t worry! My nipples can cut glass!

[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella's room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]

JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie? I really, really need you to remember–MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.
BELLA: Mmm. Story?
JACOB: The story about the–STOP PETTING MY ABS.
BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn’t know it?
JACOB: *FACEPAW*

BELLA: So… you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and… now you’re allergic to shirts.
JACOB: It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It’s not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]

Bella, you should be wearing a life jacket

There’s a Vampire inside

ALICE: Edward’s going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!
BELLA: IN THE MANNER THAT WAS FORESHADOWED?!
ALICE: Omg, are you psychic too?!
BELLA: WE MUST SAVE HIM
ALICE: VAMPIRE VOLVO, AWAY!

Inside the Volturi Palace

EDWARD: Bella, of course I was lying when I said I didn’t love you! How could I ever get sick of your whining?
BELLA: Edward, you crushed my heart in your marble fist and left me catatonic with grief for months on end. You said exactly the things that you knew would hurt me the most, counting on my low self-esteem and human inferiority complex to make me believe them. Why should I believe anything you say ever again? How can I trust you now?
EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?
BELLA: NOW YOU’RE TALKING.

ALICE: No! Wait! I have seen the future, and Bella will become a vampire, which makes everything okay!

[And then Alice shows Aro a flashforward to Breaking Dawn--I am not making this up--in which Edward goes loping in slo-mo through a magical forest and then Bella runs by all a-sparkle, because apparently Bella getting vampired will send them back in time a hundred years to a world where Edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.]


ARO: SERIOUSLY? Well, I can’t wait to see that. You’re free to go!

POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS

EDWARD: Jacob, allow me to express my humble gratitude that you took care of my frail helpless woman after I punked out. P.S. I WIN.
JACOB: YEAH WELL IT SAYS IN THE WEREVAMP TREATY THAT YOU CAN’T BITE HER SO THERE

[And right as they're about to tear away their shirts and have an ab-off, Bella throws herself between the two men she loves! Gasp!]

BELLA: Look, Jacob: Edward is the love of my life, but jerking you around makes me feel good. See you around in the next movie.

Thanks to my darling friend Sara without the h (who runs the super fun site Hilly Fans dot com) sent this to me and I died. So thanks Sara! And ps, I always want to add an “H” to your name, but then I remember “She’s Sara WITHOUT the “H!” I’m smart.

Our internet game is ridiculous. And our KungFu is strong: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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  • http://myuberfablife.blogspot.com Jayde

    BAHAHAHAHA!!!
    That is awesome!

    xox

    • Liela

      Totally!

  • poochimama

    Sparkle Out.
    My new official way to say goodbye!

  • http://katiebirdie.wordpress.com katiebirdie

    Thanks for the post!! I am going to see the movie again this afternoon. Now I can laugh inappropriately during the most serious moments.

    “Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.” I will have to remember to keep my cell phone on…

    • kitkat

      I saw the movie (again) today too! Unfortunately, I’m just now reading LTT. Fortunately, HP and the Goblet of Fire is on tv, so I can gawk at Cedric instead. :)

  • quitesimplyepic

    Haha. This is awesome. Hilarious.

  • Jamie

    “SPARKLE OUT” totally just made my day :D

    -Jamie

  • Shleeeigh

    “Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.”

    “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It’s not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]” – BAHAHAHA! Don’t forget all the rest of the world’s women who also feel do that!

    ‘human inferiority complex’ – I think I might have this! ;)

    AH-MAZE-ING. x

    • NewDawn

      Lol I definitely have one of those too!

      ‘Vampire Volvo Away!’ – Yea thats going to make me giggle for the rest of the day!

      ‘Sparkle makeouts?
      NOW YOU’RE TALKING.’ – um HELL Yea

  • blvr

    *spitting coffee out* man, that was great…so much win here…

    PS I WIN
    SPARKLE OUT
    Vampire Volvo of Great Justice (I have one of these, I had no idea I could use it for good)

    Lovely!!!!!

  • egregiousgirl

    you own me. i just woke my huband up from laughing so loudly at “edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.” if he leaves me, i’ll blame you guys. you know, when i’m done staring out my window for three months.

    • TeamSeth

      Well, you just let me know if that happens, so that I can send Billy Burke over to do season-related things outside your window everyday.

      • egregiousgirl

        i can see him now, scraping up the remains of my neighbor’s jack-o-lantern that they refuse to clean up. ick.

      • JJPattz

        OMG, that’s the fucking funniest thing I have heard in forever. I totes want Billy to come do season-related things outside my window. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, I could barely type that I was laughing so hard.

  • blvr

    I just checked out the full post, there’s EVEN more gems over there…in reference to Jasper attacking Bella at the b-day party

    “Mad Hair Disease is a serious issue that affects us all”

    for the plane trip to Italy…

    “Virgin Airlines

    [OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.]”

    BAAAWAAAHAAAAHAHA…

    • toooldforthis

      You should take the time to read all 4 of her Twilight book summaries. I read them a few months ago, and they are hilarious. It takes some time to get through them all, but it is so worth it. My sides hurt from laughing so hard.

      • http://kismetkate88.blogspot.com Katie

        Agreed! I read all the book recaps last January and I was so sad when I was done and there was no more funny to read. They WIN. For real.

  • Kate

    There is actually something similar to this on Sparknotes.com that does a Blogging Twilight chapter by chapter and it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. It’s up to chapter 4 or 5 in Eclipse now and I highly recommend it if you found this funny! New Moon blogs were funnier IMO!

    The guy also does HILARIOUS little drawings of the chapters. This WILL kill your whole day.

    http://community.sparknotes.com/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page

    • Jess

      Aren’t they amazing?!
      I found them when I was trying to study for an exam. Bad, bad idea.

      • Kate

        Yes yes yes!! I can tell he sort of hates the books at this point, but it just makes them funnier! I’ll send a friend of mine random text messages quoting them.
        “Why did the heroic vampire cross the road?
        To avoid the genocide on the other side.” and “I don’t want to see you naked at all.”

        Love it!

  • obava

    BWAHAHAHAHAAH!!1!! So many funnies!
    But the BEST:
    ” I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY?”

    • The Old One

      That one was definitely the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time.

  • Xylem (one ‘o eight over here))

    This was an amazing post! I kinda wish it had been posted during the week to get everyone’s view on it.

    “MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA”. lol I read that AFTER noticing that she was staring at his chest.

    BELLA: Wow… you’re sorta beautiful.
    JACOB: : )
    BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we’d be in business.
    JACOB: : (

    “Vampire hand”
    “Sparkle out”
    EDWARD: So while we’re on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I’ve been contemplating suicide lately.
    SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us…
    SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.

    Ok, I’ll stop now. I just love so much of it!

    This post definately makes my top 10.

    • BayWolf

      JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie? I really, really need you to remember–MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.

      That ckraked me up too:-)

      When I saw the movie – my thought was: She can’t get her eyes off his chest!! (and I totaly understod why ;-))

  • Irrevocably

    “Jane, crucio them with your eyeliner.”

    Can’t…stomach hurting from laughing…can’t breathe. Magnificent!

  • Dixie Rae

    “Bella, you should be wearing a life jacket.”
    This is what I will think of everytime I watch that scene…hahahahahahahahaha

    VAMPIRE VOLVO AWAY!!!

    The whole damn thing…….Frickin hilarious….

  • http://tinyandannoying.com Sara

    UC, thanks for the linkage, sister. You so pale and clumsy, baby.

  • SingleStrand

    BELLA: Excuse me, do you sparkle? No? Then slow your roll, Furball.
    HAHAHA!!

  • sparklegirl

    Oh My God! I can’t breathe…laughing too much!
    I think I just frightened the cat!

  • Lazykate

    Cleolinda rocks my world! Her “Twilight in 15m” is hilarious too!

  • TeamSeth

    *face paw*

  • anne

    “I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT” – i am died, laughing at that! awesomeness =D

  • TeamSeth

    In the manner that was foreshadowed?! (I effing LOVE this line)

  • Aurélia

    Thank youuuu ! That was just hilarious

  • http://kismetkate88.blogspot.com Katie

    Ah! Cleolinda’s Twilight stuff is some of my absolute favorite. Sometimes I worry it’ll be almost too snarky for other Twi-fans, but I am relieved to know you girls like it. I should’ve known you wouldn’t let me down in appreciating the funny.

    Have you read her book recaps and the Twilight m15m? You really should, it’s all basically my favorite ever. Mockery and Truth at it’s best. (Well aside from what you and Moon do here, obvi.)

    Thanks for sharing this on LTT so more people can appreciate the amazingness! <3

  • kmountainlion

    “Bella Rejoins the Mundanes” – perfection!

  • http://twitter.com/brookeLockart BrookeLockart

    There is just so much win here… where to begin?

    Let’s go with

    “Sparkle OUT”
    *facepaw*

    • snmlamb

      JACOB: *FACEPAW*
      BELLA: So… you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and… now you’re allergic to shirts.

      “Sparkle OUT”

      “PS I WIN”

      Yeah, I snorted reading this, it’s full of WIN!

  • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

    MY EYES ARE UP HERE BELLA – FTW!!!

    Watched NM for the 3rd time last night…(Fiance’s 2nd time) and I still love it…and would like to watch it again thanks….I’d like to think this is normal…

    Also accidentaly word vomited to fiance that I would like to lick Taycob’s adam’s apple in the almost-kiss truck scene…(the way he swallows is mesmerising) He didnt evn flinch…I think he’s getting used to me…sad cookie
    morning everybody!
    officially my b’day in the US hamster…

    <3

  • hope

    that was full of awesome!!

  • MariaCecilia

    OMG – this was so funny, and just what I needed today. I was going to study for an exam too, but I guess that can wait just a little longer… ;-)

    “I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.”

    Yes, I feel for you my darling Edward, and you can come to me now with your frilly white shirt and have strawberry cupcakes, and I will dab your poor, poor eyes with cool, wet handkerchiefs embroidered EC, while you sparkle for me..

  • Midnight_Cyn

    I personally prefer my “sparkle in”..thanks :)

    • JodieO

      Naughty!

      • Midnight_Cyn

        It’s the fever…trust!

        • absolutelyvlc

          You’d better watch it . We all know what happened to Jacob after he had a fever.

  • Jena

    “BELLA: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.”

    I think this is my fave.

    I think that’s why I got through the breakup scene without tears because when Bella says “I’m coming” and Edward says “I don’t want you to come” my head goes to the gutter and I start laughing. I. Can’t. Help. It.
    Same goes with the whole “Rabbit” discussion.

    I am a perv.

  • southernbelle

    Hahah so hilarious! I love these dialogues! :-)

    Sparkle out! LOL.

  • Ish

    hahahahahah excellent

    sparkle out

  • cledbo

    is beautiful. am died.

    *VAMPIRE HAND!*

    Talk to the marble, baby.

  • whyamidoingthis

    This is pure genious!!
    Best thing I’ve read all day….

  • SarahG

    Bahahaha!
    “I’M A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT!”
    “Sparkle Out!”
    Love, love, love. Pure genius.

  • Sammy

    “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It’s not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]” HAHAHAHA

    ps: im new here :)

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      well WELCOME!!!!

  • http://myria101.wordpress.com myria101

    EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?
    BELLA: NOW YOU’RE TALKING.

    OMGGGGGG!!! I’m so going to start saying “sparkle makeouts” and “*facepaw*”… TOOOOO funny!!

    M

  • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com/search/label/TwilightRehab Alice – Not an Addikt

    This is seriously hilarious! I discovered this last week but I simply had to read it again. My favorites:

    Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
    Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
    Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT
    [These never appear in the series.]

    [Because Jessica is talking sense, she is not allowed to speak again for the rest of the movie.]

    Edward’s Favorite Meadow (He Had a Favorite Meadow)

    ALICE: Edward’s going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!

    [Alice and Bella tear off in the Cullenmobile to conjure Bella an insta-passport and two tickets on an immediate flight that just happens to get from Seattle to Italy right in the nick of time, because Alice is awesome, and plot holes wither away before her awesomosity.]

    [--but then Dakota Fanningpire shows up, and because she is the biggest name in the entire movie, they all have to do what she says.]

    Marcus has the powers of 1) of seeing relationships, because apparently that’s a power, and 2) being bored off his ass

    ARO: Awetabulous! Splendiferous! The human has some kind of power as well! It would be terribly ironic if she were to use it against us someday!

    BELLA: Do I get to be a vampire now?
    EDWARD: No!
    BELLA: How about now?
    EDWARD: No!
    BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?
    EDWARD: NO!

    BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire so I’ll shut the hell up?
    THE CULLENS: *unanimous*

  • NotWutheringHeights

    You had me at “Mansplain”.

    This is why I love you gals. Pass the Depends!

  • Therese

    Lol this cracked me up! best way tot start my day!
    Mansplain? lawl…

    sparkle out! I love it!!!!!!!

  • LisaM

    There’s some sparkling words from Rob here http://robertpattinsoninterview.com – loving the ‘I’m not romantic’ stuff…

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