One of my fav things about the craziness of Twilight’s release last year was all the amazing spoofs written and recorded afterwards. Moon brought you the brilliant LOLCats version of New Moon yesterday, so today I bring you my favorite parts of New Moon in 15 Minutes by Cleolinda! Make sure to check out the entire post and enjoy your Sunday laugh! XO- UC
Some English Class
BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD: So while we’re on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I’ve been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you’re just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I’m thinking… death by sparkle at high noon.
BELLA: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.
The Rainforest in Bella’s Backyard
EDWARD: So we’re all leaving town and I don’t want you to come.
BELLA: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what’s best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we’ll call it even.
BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN’T NO
EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*
[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shell-shocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]
-Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
-Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
-Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT
More Stuff Happens
[Remember when] Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save [Bella?]. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one’s delicate human.
QUIL: [To Bella] Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
JACOB: HEY, DON’T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?
BELLA: Wow… you’re sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we’d be in business.
JACOB: : (
Continue the major major Cullen Smiles & laughter, after the jump!
Invigorated, Bella Rejoins the Mundanes
MIKE: So… Bella… you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I was thinking about this romantic comedy called Mike Newton Finally Makes His Move–
BELLA: A movie sounds great–hey guys! Who wants to go see Face Punch: The Ultimate Cockblock?
Casa de Swan… After Dark
JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I’m mostly naked and it’s late at night?
BELLA: Wait–I don’t–you’re asking first?
JACOB: What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl’s bedroom?
BELLA: Jake, no! I haven’t opened the window yet!
JACOB: Don’t worry! My nipples can cut glass!
[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella’s room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]
JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie? I really, really need you to remember–MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.
BELLA: Mmm. Story?
JACOB: The story about the–STOP PETTING MY ABS.
BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn’t know it?
BELLA: So… you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and… now you’re allergic to shirts.
JACOB: It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It’s not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]
There’s a Vampire inside
ALICE: Edward’s going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!
BELLA: IN THE MANNER THAT WAS FORESHADOWED?!
ALICE: Omg, are you psychic too?!
BELLA: WE MUST SAVE HIM
ALICE: VAMPIRE VOLVO, AWAY!
Inside the Volturi Palace
EDWARD: Bella, of course I was lying when I said I didn’t love you! How could I ever get sick of your whining?
BELLA: Edward, you crushed my heart in your marble fist and left me catatonic with grief for months on end. You said exactly the things that you knew would hurt me the most, counting on my low self-esteem and human inferiority complex to make me believe them. Why should I believe anything you say ever again? How can I trust you now?
EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?
BELLA: NOW YOU’RE TALKING.
ALICE: No! Wait! I have seen the future, and Bella will become a vampire, which makes everything okay!
[And then Alice shows Aro a flashforward to Breaking Dawn–I am not making this up–in which Edward goes loping in slo-mo through a magical forest and then Bella runs by all a-sparkle, because apparently Bella getting vampired will send them back in time a hundred years to a world where Edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.]
POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS
EDWARD: Jacob, allow me to express my humble gratitude that you took care of my frail helpless woman after I punked out. P.S. I WIN.
JACOB: YEAH WELL IT SAYS IN THE WEREVAMP TREATY THAT YOU CAN’T BITE HER SO THERE
[And right as they’re about to tear away their shirts and have an ab-off, Bella throws herself between the two men she loves! Gasp!]
BELLA: Look, Jacob: Edward is the love of my life, but jerking you around makes me feel good. See you around in the next movie.
Thanks to my darling friend Sara without the h (who runs the super fun site Hilly Fans dot com) sent this to me and I died. So thanks Sara! And ps, I always want to add an “H” to your name, but then I remember “She’s Sara WITHOUT the “H!” I’m smart.