Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:
To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,
Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.
You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air
News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.
I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day!
merry christmas! i dont have much time cuz shannon is waiting 4 me n were gonna go 2 the mall 2 get new uggs, but I just wanna say hi and that I miss all of you who dont ever visit the valley. please come! i know daddy goes on about all the in-n-outs but its not really that bad. shh dont tell him but i went there last week with greg from my science class. we made out in the parking lot and taylor told on me cuz he got pissed cuz i tore out a pic of taylor swift from us weekly mag and put it on my wall and i think daddy was madder that i went to in-n-out than i kissed greg.
anyway this year has been really cool i get st8 a’s and am cheerleading and lovvvvving the football players and lip smackers has this new amaaaaazzzzing watermellon-bubblegum-sodapop flavor and me and chelsea eat it like candy. taylor is annoying as usual but its knda cool when hes home bc all my friends @ school think hes so hot (yuck) and Hope the girl from that neighborhood that daddy says well move in2 after his documentary about in-n-out gets into michael moores hands has been talking to me and it makes me feel cool plus curtis from spanish likes to ask me about if ive met kristen stewart (i duno why) and always saves me a spot at lunch to talk about her so thats pretty cool. its been a good year! looovieeees
To my very supportive family, friends and fans,
Wow! What a year it’s been. I feel very blessed to be Taylor Daniel Lautner. I thought this year instead of sharing my accomplishments I’d just tell you what I’m thankful for. I don’t want to come off like I’m bragging or anything because it’s been a really big year for me.
First I’ll start off by thanking Summit Entertainment, the movie studio from which much of my success resulted. They gave me a chance to prove that I could gain the 30+ pounds I needed to to become their heartthrob star. And prove to them I did! Those 30+ pounds ensured that our movie grossed over 600 million dollars world-wide. The experiences I had filming New Moon were incredible. I came out a changed man. I learned some spanish (“loca”), Quileute (“Quil Clout Lay”) plus learned was it was like to be objectified as merely an attractive man with an 8 pack of abs.
I can’t talk about my 8 pack of abs without mentioning my trainer Jordan Yuam. Jordan gave me the confidence to know I could make it past my 4 pack of abs to a full 8 pack. When I said to him “Jordan no- there is no possible way I can eat 13 more meat patties today,” Jordan screamed in my face and scared the shit out of me. Jordan was the first guy to tell me it was okay if I said “Shit.” My dad always said I had to be 18 or else I could get arrested. Jordan also told me all about the right way to please a woman. I have him to thank for having the confidence to show off my 8 pack to my latest gal and ensure that we’d be making out in the back of the movie theater later that night. Sure it’s a little weird now when Jordan tells me his recent sexual exploits. Cuz of my mom and all… I just try to pretend she’s still at home hand rolling my dad’s four half-pound burgers he eats every day for a mid-day snack instead of at Jordan’s house, doing that cool move he told me to try on Selena Gomez that one time.
I know, I know- you’re all waiting for me to get on with it and talk about my women! I won’t let you down, Aunt Rita! I’m THANKFUL for all the beautiful women in my life! First there was my high school girlfriend Sara Hicks but I broke it off because it’s hard for a non-famous person to be with someone famous. Plus I tested out of high school after 11th grade and am taking college classes now. It’s time to move on (Here is a video Sara made for our 1.5 week anniversary). Then I was linked to Selena Gomez, but we were just friends. Then I had a long conversation with Jordan Yuam where he told me it’s not every day a “piece that hot” walks into my life, and while I wasn’t crazy about calling her a “piece,” I did kinda agree and so we made out that night. But after all the ‘roids… I mean protein powder… they jammed down my throat I hardly had time to be an intellect.. and thinking just got too hard for me. So I dumped Selena and started dating a girl named Taylor. Which works out perfectly because when we meet up with people and are introduced I only have to remember one name… you know.. Cause its the same as mine! How cool right?!
From the Lautner Family to yours, stay safe, stay healthy and stay away from In-N-Out this holiday season!
Daniel (Big Daddy), Taylor & Makena
PS: Jordan & Debbie send their regards
I did a lot of Taylor research for this letter. I made Moon proud. And semi-sad. Cuz, let’s be honest, it’s sad how much I learned about him to write this letter. Deborah IS Mrs. Lautner’s name, however I found no evidence to suggest she and Big Daddy were having any marital problems. Which is a very good thing. Cuz let’s be honest, Big Daddy’s chances of finding love again are slim to none (I mean a girl can only do fast food dates at least once in the first year of dating. Big Daddy isn’t gonna stand for that. Don’t make him choose between a woman and his fish-o-filet. The fish will win. Every time.)