Someone's breaking up with you, Twilight

*So last night I may or may not have seen New Moon AGAIN (I won’t even keep track of what number this was at this point) with a couple of virgins and it was splendid and reminded me of all the craptastic and fun and awful things about Twilight the movie which Luladee sums up perfectly in her letter… so I’ll let her take the reigns!*

I'm leaving you for another movie...

Dear John Twilight the movie,

This has been a long time in coming. I wasn’t sure that I would ever have the strength to be able to say this, but recently things have changed and I know now what I have to do.

I’m breaking up with you.

It was never going to work. Oh, there was potential. I did love your book after all. When I found out you were coming to town, I couldn’t wait to meet you! I just knew that we would click and fall madly in love. I know you felt it too. But there’s something I never told you…

I never loved you. In fact, I didn’t even really like you very much. I tried to, I really did. I thought our first date was a fluke… Maybe it was me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had that fifth second drink (I was really nervous). Maybe I had unfair expectations thinking we were meant for each other and all. So I went out with you again, sure that this date would go much better….it was just as bad as the first. I was crushed, but in denial. I mean, my friends seemed to think you were great. They kept talking about you and found ways to overlook your idiosyncrasies. I thought I could grow to love you, but after our third date, which I was late for (you didn’t even notice), I knew that I would never and COULD never love you. But I sort of faked it for awhile anyway. I thought for sure you knew, but then you aren’t very good at spotting bad acting.

Follow the cut to read the rest of Luludee’s Dear John letter to Twilight the movie

Lives on and on on DVD forever and ever

I have a confession: you remember those other guys that we met on our fourth date? Well, they totally made fun of you behind your back the entire night. And I laughed. A lot. It may have been the most fun I had with you during our relationship. I plan on meeting up with them again at some point to watch another movie.

Here’s the bottom line: I’ve met someone New Moon and it’s everything I thought you would be and more. I am in love! After only one date, I realize that it’s not me, it’s you. Furthermore, I’ve come to see the emotional and mental abuse I’ve suffered at your hands: the twitching and stuttering, the spider-monkey line, denying me my meadow scene. You tricked me!! I thought K-Stew couldn’t act! I thought maybe your book wasn’t as good as I remembered! How could you be so cruel?!

No, no. I’m sorry. I told myself that I wasn’t going to be angry and hurt anymore. Forgiveness is the key to healing. Hating you will only cause me to become bitter and I don’t want that. We did have some good laughs, and the whole night before I met you that first time a little over a year ago, was an absolute blast. It wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been waiting to meet you. Thank you for that.

I want to wish you good luck. They say there is someone out there for everyone and I doubt hope that’s true for you too, but you’re just not good enough for me.

We’ll always have Jasper and his bat.

Never Yours Truly,


Amazing Luludee! Give her some love in the comments and tell us if you feel the same way. Is it weird watching Twilight now that you’re seen New Moon? Do you have a favorite? Does ol Cathy’s movie still ring your bell?

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  • Rob’s Bitch

    This letter is like French to me. Or Japanese. Pick a foreign language – I’m clueless. Breaking up with Twilight? Does.not.compute.

    Twilight was love at first sight. And my love is…what is that word…I know I’ve heard it once or twice somewhere… aw, yes…irrevocable.

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  • “You tricked me!! I thought K-Stew couldn’t act!”

    EPIC letter! I feel exactly the same way…poor Twilight. 🙂

  • hici

    LMAO! this was one of the best letters ever….and break ups.
    gosh I almost cried because of my crazy laughter.

    OKAY so I watched Twilight before I read the books and that was the way I fell in love with it, so I have to say I love twilight the movie.
    It has it’s weird moments (and spider monkey lines) but THAT was the movie I fell in love with. THAT was the movie that made me think stew was awkward. THAT was the movie that showed me that rob can even look good in blueish weirdo effects.
    Awesome letter. and maybe if I read the book first I would agree. 🙂

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