Alas poor Swiftner!..We knew thee..NOT so well

Our silence on the topic of the fake-break-up-cuz-they-never-really-were “Swiftner”  has been hard for you. I know. We couldn’t quite put into words what we were feeling since we heard the news. So, we’ll let this fan letter be an offering of sincere sorrow for the ending of our favoritest fake relationship on the entire planet.

Dear Swiftner,

The ice cream and tissues are running out, “Ghost” is being watched and cried over and Streisand’s “The Way We Were” is on repeat. You came (That’s what she said but we don’t believe her cause you’re not legal), we sighed and then suddenly… it was over and no one cared cause some kid in a shoe shirt took pics with Robsten. Did you sigh in relief that the pressure was off? I mean, there were no wrist-holding pictures to squee over, we didn’t even have enough time to make manips of you in sexually suggestive poses or with your beautifully squinty-eyed children in a Lautner family portrait on Christmas day or even a simple slide show set to “Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. I, contrary to popular opinion, am shattered over your demise (Yes he’s back on the market but it’s not like he’ll be professing his love for ME anytime soon *snort* …as a BFF of course)

You’re keeping the true reason for the break-up under wraps (good on ya! Robsten has taught you well) but that means rumours are rife and so, I’d like to address them…cause then I can finally move on and refill my meds.

He wanted to get some protein in her…she didn’t

Apparently Big Daddy was messing up his plans to create the ULTIMATE TAYLOR WORKOUT video. There were gonna be leotards (for both of them…mmmmm), a featurette on the “perfect meat patty” and Swifty’s version of “Let’s get physical” as a DVD bonus that automatically unlocked itself after the 11th of February. Damn you Big Daddy for making junk food look as sexy as you! How could anyone resist?

penis

PENIS

PEEENNISS

i

am

like

It was all a media stunt

Pffft…yeah right…next thing you’ll be telling me that this was aaaall for some movie they’ve been doing…What? Swifty is HOW old? That can’t be right…That means she’s not in high school (wait..does Chris Hansen know about this?) So all these pics I’ve stuck on my sparkly, pink fur three ring binder…it’s all..*blink*…*bite lip*..fake? But all the angles…and the passion…NO ONE makes out that long for a movie right?

a

lame

14

yr

old

boy

!

There was no chemistry

Swifty are you serious? No chemistry? Weren’t you guys all over each other? Holding wrists…err..hands? …making out in taxi cabs?…taking individual pics with kids?…looking cozy at “makes-me-wanna-have-sex-faster-than-listening-to-Marvin Gaye” KOL concerts? NO? Oh right…That’s Robsten…You guys just looked adorably, squee-ably, teeth-hurtingly, un-touchy-feely cute. Does that mean we got it all wrong? Did we jump the gun faster than we would have jumped Rob behind a dumpster? Were you guys just (gasp! shock! horror!) BFF’s all along? Dun dun dunnnnnn….

i miss

swiftner

even

tho they never really existed

Kanye kept butting in …and he brought the Hansen as his wingman

Turns out Kanye wasn’t too pleased with boy Tay’s performance on SNL and squealed on them to Chris Hansen. Who did we see hiding in the backseat with a “Team Edward cause he’s legal” thermos of iced tea, waiting for them to park on “Lover’s Point” and make out to “Your body is a wonderland” ? Yup! You guessed it!…somehow having a 50 year old tapping you on the shoulder asking you to get off him and take a seat UP FRONT AND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!! ruins a good night. Add Kanye telling you through the partially steamed up windows that Rizzo and Kenickie had the best make-out scene in a car (of ALL TIME!) and you know the relationship is doomed.

Enablers point fingers at some chick named “Illegal”

I love you guys but there are crazies on other sites claiming responsibility for this already. I just can’t steal their thunder…or their delusional fantasies. My therapist says I can take responsibility for only one celeb break up at a time and currently I’m embroiled in the Robsten saga…I own a kick-ass shoe shirt and I look deceptively 10 years old when I’m actually 23…

Sigh…I can let you go now…unless you’re planning to revisit the epic-ness after February *wink wink*. If it happens, I’ll be there at your next “date”. I’ll be the one holding the boom box over my head blasting Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” while wearing a pink, bedazzled, “Swiftner forevah!” shirt. Till then…ILY

Off to buy more ice cream and tissues,

Love,

Illegal

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • tuesdaymidnight

    “I’ll be the one holding the boom box over my head blasting Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” while wearing a pink, bedazzled, “Swiftner forevah!””

    I love you, Illegal. That’s all.

  • http:/twitter.com/Jayde17 Jayde

    Illegal you are hilar.
    That is all.
    Mwah!
    xox.

  • robsten4life

    I miss Swiftner :(

  • http://twitter.com/Shleeeigh Shleeeigh

    Illegal, as always, totally hilar.

    Oh, and Rizzo and Kenickie DID have the best make-out scene in a car of ALL TIME!

    Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my, oh my, look at the boy too shy, ain’t gonna kiss the girl, WOOOAHWO…

  • Vi

    i love this letter.
    swiftner seems so cute and innocent, makes the robsten family holiday seem like a vile tale of depravity and sin.

    • http:/twitter.com/Jayde17 Jayde

      A vile tale of depravity and sin?? ROFL!!!

    • toooldforthis

      hmmmm. . . . depravity and sin. Can I get in on that Robsten family holiday?

  • http://cantgoogleeverything.blogspot.com/ GriffsSayWhat

    ILGWL love your letter! Tay-Tay was such a cute couple…. damn you John Mayer, damn you!

    And…like I said before, no 17 year old should have a car that cost that much! I dont care how much money he has. Its just wrong.

    • Jess

      The car thing.. I thought that too. Not cool!
      I saw other pictures over the weekend, and he seems to have another one. In a different color. Wtf.

      • fangbanger06

        I don’t understand…

        If you were a 17 year old with tons of cash wouldn’t you have an awesome car too?

        It’s not like you wanna see him driving around town in a teal green 1992 Honda Civic with primer gray fenders and the seats ripped out. I don’t anyway.

        He works. He earns his own $$. I see no problem with it or “zero weirdness”.

        • Jess

          Yeah, but two cars (because it’s obviously necessary to have one in black AND one in white) worth $120,000 each?
          I don’t see any weirdness with it. I think it’s more that I’m older than he is and I don’t have my own car at all, nevermind two Audi R8s.
          I think they call that jealousy, actually.

          • beakerj

            Don’t you think they’re probably loaners or freebies from Audi for all the free publicity they’ll get?

            When you earn serious money people bizarrely start to GIVE you stuff. Excuse me, cough, chuck one this way…Oh wait…I couldn’t afford the insurance? Crap.

          • pauleta

            I just hope that he bought a house as well. Most of this celebrity buy unimportant stuff and wake up one day with no house and no money left. Just hope for this kid in twilight to buy a house. I know kristen has one since she was 17, I think nikki has one too or an appartement.

          • http://chimaera2009.wordpress.com chimaera2009

            The Audis are from Summit. Rob drives one, too.

        • http://cantgoogleeverything.blogspot.com/ GriffsSayWhat

          Yeah…. of course I am just jelous. He prob makes more in a year than I will ever make in my life! lol

          BUT- have you ever seen a 17 year old boy drive? It would be a shame to wreak such a pretty car. Maybe instead of the 1992 civic he could get a nice new 2010 civic? Thats a compromise I can live with. :-)

          • Xylem (one ‘o eight over here))

            Forseuth! No talk of crashing with Tay. Hopefully these car have the latest technology in safety in them. I just don’t understand why he’s driving around alone all the time. It’s scawey out there Tay, be safe…

            Oh, yeah, and those cars are all loaners. They maximize publicity by having him drive different cars… And I would be concerned for any 17 year old that would turn down fast free sports cars that run for real… Like without a remote and stuff.

    • JellybeanRainbow

      There were cars? Really?

  • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com/search/label/TwilightRehab Alice – Not an Addikt

    Such a brilliant letter Illegal!

    “we didn’t even have enough time to make manips of you in sexually suggestive poses or with your beautifully squinty-eyed children in a Lautner family portrait on Christmas day”

    I guess we’ll just have to find some way to rediscover meaning in our lives, without the image of the love child that will never be. :(

  • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com Bella – Not an Addikt

    I don’t buy it. Let’s blame it on Summit! I betcha they have a motive. They’re probably panicking over all the Robsten rumors, and ordered Taytay to break up with Taytay (errr… there’s a reason we named them Swiftner) to get the spotlights off their lead stars.

    • mountainlion

      Summit is evil. I’m going to stop seeing “their” movies…right after Remember ME.

  • CJ

    Bu rumors are he was back with Selena Gomez! Back and forth between friends!

    It’s going to be like the Hilary Duff, Aaron Carter and Lindsey Lohan love triangle! What fun!

  • fangbanger06

    “You came (That’s what she said but we don’t believe her cause you’re not legal)”

    Exactly.

    Twinsie you are everything that I wish I could be: Hilarious, awesome, hawtlegged, loved by all.

    Ah, Swiftner. We hardly knew thee. Even though your “couple name” immediately makes me think of the Swiffer mop, it was adorable. That manip that EG made so long ago with the unicorn in the field and the Tay duo making out was sooooo perfect.

    <3 you, Illegal (I keep wanting to write your real name + weed) Hmmm… IllegalWeed? Naw. That won't work. ;)

    • Sparklecakes

      Haha! Hawtlegged! “who wears short shorts?”

    • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

      I still have that manip…sniff..oh the unicorn…think of the Unicorn Swiftner! THE UNICORN!!!!
      Ok I need to get a grip…maybe I’m not over it after all…damn u Swifty for giving him a standing ovation and ruining my mascara…

      Hawtlegged? pffft! ans you KNOW you are loved Fangy dont lie…

  • Jess

    Illegal, that was pure awesomeness :)

  • http://chroniclesofafatgirlnamedmisstj.blogspot.com/ TJB

    Absolutely brilliant – I so needed a laugh this morn so I came straight to LTT and as always, y’all delivered. Thanks for bringing the shits and giggles to my morning!

  • beakerj

    Illegal – you never fail to bring it!

    I’ve always thought, by what I can see of your pic, that YOU & Tay would have lovely children. After February of course.

    Please make me Godmother & buy me a cute new car as a Thankyou present. kthksbaiX

  • beakerj

    Also, Miss Illegal, I’d like to know your thoughts on the whole ‘Swifty is a beard’ rumours…I’ve never seen so much as a hint of this here.

    Whacha think?

    Apologies for the potential blasphemy…

    • fangbanger06

      BLASPHEMY!

    • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

      Oh Lordy…I didnt want to bring that up cause the excrement would hit the oscillator…I dont mind personally whatever team he plays for, (cause yes I may be more than a little in BFF love with him) but I would imagine not everyone would be as accepting…Last thing I want is gay bashing and u KNOW someone is gonna say it…lol

      Kids? I love u Beaker but when are u gonna realise I’m from an inferior gene pool? :) I mean have u SEEN him? LOL

      • beakerj

        I have seen him, in print & on film, now you mention it!
        All I’ve seen of you are some eyebrows & a nose, which look genetically excellent, so unless I see a proper pic I’ll have to disagree with you. :)

        • ambushed by twilight

          Mmm-Hmm… don’t sell youself short Illegal!!!

        • http://egregiousgirl.livejournal.com/ egregiousgirl

          speaking as someone who has seen proper pics, she’s full of it. she’s totally hot and i said the same thing!

          p.s. i love your letter, illegal!

  • JodieO

    There was no Swiftner, only Zuul!

    • Sparklecakes

      Oh. Em. Gee. I love a good Ghost Buster’s ref! Swiftner’s break-up is like tearing apart the gate keeper and the key master. Truth.

      • JodieO

        Hee! I was wondering if anyone out there was going to pick up on it. Ten points to you!

  • Xylem (one ‘o eight over here))

    WL,

    I have no words except to say… I had to come out of lurkdom to let you how awesome this is. Your grasp of pop culture (present, past and… future?) is astounding. In truth your BFF learned that you were coming to visit this summer and realized he needed to get ready. No time for distractions so Swifty had to go. That’s the only reason I can think.

    Your captions alone are… What is the word?…. FANTAMAZING. Yeah, a word didn’t exist to properly describe how funny they are. I mean:
    “Hands in pockets? CHECK! Almost Bella pose? CHECK! I sense wild shenanigans in a hotel room tonight!!”

    Hey what happened to the different tastes in food theory?

    I like your take on 4StripeJake.

    *runs back to lurkdom*

    • fangbanger

      SIK!

      Why you lurking? You’re one of the my favorites.

      :( <— That's me. Right now.

    • Sparklecakes

      Don’t lurk, Xy! We love you. Long time.

    • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

      *Holds out Avatar DVD found in Davey Jones’ locker*
      awww…come out Xy….You know its not the same without you….dont make me bust out the puppy eyes through the car window….

      I didnt mention food cause it hit too close to home…I mean what if he doesnt want to be BFFs cause I love sushi and pizza and calorie-laden ice cream? (yeah I said it here cause he reads LTT but not the comments…cause he’s a dude) lol 4SJ…sigh

  • operarose

    Bravo, illegal!

    But… people are actually sad about the breakup of Swiftner? You really thought they were cute? Um, yeah…. ok, I thought they were cute too… it’s not like I seriously love Taylor L *nervous laugh* … it’s not like I seriously despise Taylor S’s slitty eyes, perfect blonde hair, perky demeanor and ditzy personality, and change radio stations whenever her song comes on, why would you think that?… it’s not like I was carrying a Team Jacob binder everywhere I went, making out with it every time I was alone, and throwing darts at a picture of Swifty after work, waiting for the day when she would stop crashing my fantasies of being on a beach in Lapush with…um, yeah no, I’m totally sad that they’re broken up too.

    • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

      *Hides Swifty dartboard* I swear I only got it after they broke up…
      I seriously LOVE Swifty cause she’s not like the other Disney princesses…coughMileyputsomeclothesoncough
      You HAVE to be sad or do something about it…Quick! as soon as his birthday hits, you grab that boy and you run…run from all the sicknast cougars…He’ll struggle and threaten to sue you at first (or he might not…he really is far too polite) but he’ll thank you later….it’s for his own damn good… :D

      • operarose

        *immediately puts away dartboard, rips up ‘Down With Swiftner’ t-shirt, minimizes countdown to Feb 11 widget on desktop. Plays Celine Dion’s rendition of Alone, and lights a candle in memory of Swiftner 2009*

        You are, as usual, right, Illegal. I am absolutely sorry to see this young couple part ways. No ulterior motives intended!

        In all seriousness, Swifty is far superior to most… and actually talented, too! *clasps hands and mumbles thankyoutaylorforneverdatingmiley*

        • Sianna

          Supposedly they did date… (taylor & miley) a few years ago, around the time he did sharkboy and lava girl.
          But i’m sure it’s just a rumor too. Hopefully.

  • ambushed by twilight

    Oh My GOODNESS!

    Illegal, you’ve been published! Way to go! I’m SOOOOO proud of you! -hug-

    That letter was WONderful! I’m totally impressed, really! I knew you had it in you!

    (just hang in there, he probably had to make the “break-up” clear so he can be with you… Feb is just around the corner!!!)

    OH, LOOKIE! I baked you a stock of your fav VR cupcakes to celebrate *passes box tied w/ sparkled ribon* – hope you enjoy! I’ve missed you.

    MUAH!

    • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

      nom nom nom *pats tummy* thanks for the yummies!
      I’ve missed you tooooo! I’ve been a bad minder…with summer school and all the drama…sigh…I cant wait for Feb…no not for him to be legal…just so I can actually have a decent break and vegetate…lol..its not like he’s gonna blow out the candles and wish for me to be his BFF :)

  • StotheP

    Ohhhh, _______bean. (Yeah, like Fang, I’m having a hard time talking to “Illegal,” out here in public and all.)

    I am so, so, sosososososososo in love with this letter. And you. And the ladies for sharing your brilliance with the world.

    Grease + The Little Mermaid + Say Anything = Me, smiling all throughout another miserably busy day.

    Poor, poor, Swiftner. Now all we have left are these misty, water-colored memories of the way they were.

    *gags* IWL, only you could make me quote Babs. Must be love.

  • lapushbaby

    OMG IWL, that was an awesome letter!!!!! Brills!!!

    I have shed many a tear over the breakup of Swiffner, the relationship that ended before its time…..sigh….tho, as much as I hate to agree with Kanye on anything, it is true that Rizzo and Kenickie had the BEST car make out scene OF ALL TIME!!! I have to agree there.

    Thanks for the Monday giggles!!
    :-)

    • chryredlipstik

      Maybe they decided to wait for his legality in February and then come out publicly so C.H. would stop calling and emailing T.S. about the errs of messing around with a minor? Hey! It could happen ;)

  • SEM

    That was hilarious. Loved the Grease reference! If a hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card, what is a hickey from Taylor Lautner like? A Hallmark store full of cards? Oh, the possibilities… Well, I guess until he turns 18 it’s more like a summons or subpoena or something…

  • Midnight_Cyn

    Dear ILWL..how I luv thee…you had made it a great Monday after all! Big puppy smooches….

    P.S. You might want to rethink the whole..BFF thing as it is now reported that TL IS the HIGHEST PAID TEEN star, earning over 7.5 MILLION for his next film….how sad..seriously.. they wonder why these KIDS get caught up in themselves and lose their way…WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would hand 7.5 MILLION dollars to a 17-18 yr old for playing a role in a movie??!!! Will “they” never learn that THIS kind of fame and fortune is what turns really nice/stable kids/adults into self-indulgent “world revolves around me” kind of people? That the agent/reps/PR ppl etc., are the ones negotiating these deals then end up giving the “kids” everything they want (but don’t need) just to keep them happy and performing…like trained chimps. It makes me sick, and then where are all these “people” when the fame dies out and the money is gone? Where are they when the next “new one hit wonder” comes along and ousts the current “flavor of the month”? Not that Taylor is one of these but who knows where he will be in 5-10 yrs? Imma just wonderin and worryin cause I have always said that Taylor reminds me of my son…I know that ILWL will ALWAYS be there for Taylor as his BFF whether rich or poor so that makes me feel alittle better! xoxo ILWL!!!

    • JodieO

      HUGS! Morning!

      • Midnight_Cyn

        Morning JodieO and all the “LOLTT” (ladies of LTT) !
        Happy Monday everyone!!

        • JodieO

          How was your weekend? Got the new computer all up and running? Are you getting emails again?

          • Midnight_Cyn

            I had company all weekend and did not get to work on the this computer. plus I lost the use of the keyboard for a couple of days as it just stopped working soooo…I am making it my priority today! If I get nothing else done, I AM going to find a way to erase my info on this computer and switch to the new one… then sadly I must take down all my Xmas decorations which I left up for the company that was here…now I have no more excuses… :(
            How was your weekend? Hope it was great! You can try sending me an email if you want cause even if it doesn’t come through on this computer it should when I switch!
            ((hugs))

          • JodieO

            You had company there all weekend and you didn’t get THEM to take down the Christmas decs for you? That’s a wasted opportunity! =)

            I hope you had fun anyway!

    • operarose

      I don’t disagree with you Cyn, but on the other hand, Taylor is giving up part of his childhood and a lot of his freedom in the name of acting in a hugely successful, public franchise. The movie is making millions of dollars… he deserves to be compensated fairly in proportion to his contribution to it (both professionally and personally).

      I just hope Big Daddy keeps him grounded instead of letting him become one of those spoiled Hollywood types you mentioned! And that Taylor is old and wise enough to make intelligent decisions with his money. The Harry Potter kids seemed to have managed it, maybe he can too.

      • Midnight_Cyn

        Operarose, I totally agree with you, what I was trying to say is that its mainly the PEOPLE around these young stars that cause the problem. I realize he is giving up alot and deserves the proper credit and monetary compensation, however, lets be realistic, (BTW the movie he is being paid $7.5 million is NOT for a Twilight Saga movie) this is alot of money and thus a huge amount of pressure to “perform” for such a young actor. What if the movie is a flop and NOT b/c of his performance? Then the offers stop coming? My concern is that at this age and even some older actors have a hard time dealing with the instant fame/huge amounts of money/adoration and attention and what happens if it suddenly ends? This is a VERY fickle business and as we have sadly seen in this last year losing so many “famous” ppl, it can be destructive either way. More importantly and my biggest concern is that as Taylor reaches “legal” age, his family will NO longer have any control and that is when the problems can begin. Again, as we have seen with the Brittany Spears/Lindsay Lohan’s etc., it is after the parental control ends and these “kids’ (cause I don’t believe they automatically become “adults” at age 18) tend to lose their way and their parents legally cannot intervene. It just causes me concern that is all… :)

        • operarose

          I feel your concern!

          I think a family’s “culture” is a big part of what happens to a celeb once they hit the payload. I totally admire child actors like Emma Watson. She has millions and millions of dollars in the bank and a modeling deal with Burberry… yet goes to an ivy league school and otherwise seems to be grounded and other than a few appearances at premieres stays out of the spotlight. She seems to have focus and does not want to rely on her celebrity status for lifelong satisfaction. She must have close family and/or friends who really care for her and encourage her to make the right choices and not get sucked into the Hollywood life.

          Then you have celebs like Paris and Lindsay whose lives spell tragedy. They were never very popular for any reason other than being spoiled, fame-whoring brats. Although I think Paris is a bit smarter than she looks (she seems to have some business sense, to build an empire around herself over nothing!), she blows any sort of brain she might have by making extermely poor choices, surrounding herself with spoiled Hollywood brats, and generally getting into trouble. Their futures hold nothing. I think it must be some sign of insecurity and probably a result of just surrounding herself with the wrong friends and not learning from her mistakes, to have such a sad existence.

          I firmly believe that celebrity young adults can avoid the pitfalls of being in the business at a young age, but they definitely need the support of some good people around them and to know how to make the right choices with their life. Regardless of how much money they make. (Didn’t know he now makes so much money! And like you I do hope people don’t take advantage of him. -TWSS….you know what I mean;)

          Hoping for the best for Taylor(s)!

    • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

      I’m so glad he gets paid that much cause he’ll have to spring for popcorn on movie night…I will go dutch on the frozen yougurt though…its the least I can do….lol
      puppy smooches right back Cyn…I love that you worry about the important things while I hamster around…lol
      puppy smooches right back!

      • operarose

        He might throw in a super-sized Coke, too!

        And a ride to and from the movie in his Audi convertible…

    • Ang

      MidCyn – Happy Monday to ya! I think Taylor seems pretty grounded, so hopefully we’ll be as proud of him when he gets older as we are of your unicorn son. :-)

  • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

    Awww…you guys…*blushes* Thanks so much! You do not know how much I love u right now…I mean seriously…like leave-my-fiance-and-be-a-fake-lesbian-Big-Love-style kinda lurrrve….wait dont leave…its not weird i swear…lol

    Good morning!!!
    U guys have made the hamster’s day!!!
    Smiley sugar cookies and hugs to all…
    muah muah!

  • cedvanhalen

    This letter was greatness.

    Ahh Swiftner. How I will miss you. I think my sister summed it up pretty well when she said, “They would have had beautiful babies.”

    Then again, my mom also had it right when she said, “That would just be too weird. Dating someone with the same name as you.”

    • beakerj

      Yep…dating a bloke called Rebecca would be weird! Not that that’s my RL name or anything….

  • Sparklecakes

    Oh mah gawd. IWL, this kind of ridiculously awesomesauce wit is exactly why I was up until 4 am this morning talking to your crazy hamster self. Because of said epic convo, I’m spent. You’re fab. That is all.

  • wileykitkat

    One month till he’s legal. I can’t wait for that IWL letter! :)

    • http://wileykitkat.wordpress.com wileykitkat

      Oops! Meant to add that I loved today’s letter and can’t wait for the letter on Feb. 11th. Fighting a cold….boo!

      • kitkat

        Feel better!

  • KinkyKiss

    IWL…

    You get funnier and funnier…

    is that possible?
    must be
    keep it up

    :]

  • kitkat

    Thank you for summing this up perfectly, IWL (I knew it was you as soon as you claimed BFF status!).
    Even though the break-up means he’s “available” (in my/our dreams) they were just so darn cute!

  • Luludee

    IWL, your letter was hilarious and witty. I loved it. That is all.

  • MichaelSheenisaDILF

    IWL, love this letter. Totally brillz. The hamster was definitely on the big wheel for this one!

    Personally, I just think TL was getting tired of having to get on his tippy toes in order to kiss his girl…a lot of guys have ego issues when it comes to the height thing. That and he knows he’s gonna get a flood of more *ahem* experienced women throwing themselves at him come February. Not that I would know anything about that.

    This letter makes me feel warm and fuzzy, especially when my workplace is so sad and desolate because of stinky layoffs. Thanks IWL!!!

  • themoonisdown

    “Kanye telling you through the partially steamed up windows that Rizzo and Kenickie had the best make-out scene in a car (of ALL TIME!)”

    i DIED. i am dead. best line. thank you illegal for this beautiful letter!

  • http://chimaera2009.wordpress.com chimaera2009

    Dear Illegal,

    I <3 ur face. Srsly. That is all. xD

  • x.rosa.lie

    I understand that this is completely off topic and all but this thought just occured to me and I had to get it down!
    How come in NM the movie when Bella punches Paul she doesn’t break her hand yet she does when she punches Jacob in Eclipse? :(

    • cedvanhalen

      You know…I’ve wondered the exact same thing…

      • http://chimaera2009.wordpress.com chimaera2009

        So did I. I’ve discussed it with several people, and none of us have an answer beyond canon fuckupery.

    • kitkat

      The only answer I can come up with is that *technically* she slapped Paul in the movie… Not saying that it shouldn’t have snapped her hand backwards, but there it is.

      • http://chimaera2009.wordpress.com chimaera2009

        I’ve reviewed the tape, and I can’t find any conclusive evidence that her hand was, indeed, open.

        *goes back to nerd cave*

        xD

  • Ang

    Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid! WIN

    Now I’m imagining Bella coming up out of the water Ariel-style and singing Part of Your World.

    • x.rosa.lie

      And now I’m thinking that KStew would be totally hawtttttt as a mermaid, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?!

      • absolutelyvlc

        Or, as this Movie In Minutes might suggest, Edward as a Mermaid (1:20-1:30ish)

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goix7jFXD9Q

        • SEM

          Oh my god…the guy throwing the baseball had me laughing out loud.

          • absolutelyvlc

            the guy throwing the baseball MAKES that video!!!

  • cmay3

    HItler is sad that swifter’s no more also!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haf2eEEpDoU

    • http://twitter.com/GriffsSayWhat GriffsSayWhat

      awesome!!!

  • cledbo

    word to my oceanic sister! that was fan-freaking-tastic. you do your sparkly pink fur three ring binder proud my dear.

    fave mental image: a slide show of Swiftner set to “Touch myself” – this *has* to exist in the world, get it done people!

    Love it, love you, see ya.

  • Tigerkitten36

    IWL, Bring the funny again and again. LOL

    That photo of the kiss between the Tays looks pretty hot. Where did TL learn to hold a girl like that?
    :::le sigh::::

  • SarahG

    I miss Swiftner too y’all! Their non-existent, publicity stunt filled relationship was so cute to watch. Oh well.

    I’m more bummed today that Michael Buble is engaged. :(

    • Sammy

      HE IS?? !
      :(

  • http://isawforeverinmynever.wordpress.com/ ForeverNMyNever

    The Kanye/Hansen thing made me LOL so hard I nearly fell off my bed. Which, incidentally, is about 5 feet off the floor.

  • natalie1508

    Umm did anyone else notice how the words penis are in this letter? You have to highlight the space in between the first two points. I often have to do this because sometimes my computer doesn’t show all of the story. Just thought this was funny and was wondering if anyone else noticed.

    • natalie1508

      There’s more. It’s actually very funny. Just highlight the empty space! Sorry if someone has already pointed this out.

    • http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com unintendedchoice

      :) good eyes!

      • http://sadcookie.wordpress.com/ illegalwolflover

        Doooood…I didnt write that…bahahahahaha…and yes I AM a 14 year old boy…however did u know?

  • natalie1508

    It’s ok, I like 14 year old boys! Um in that motherly kind of way. Or if they happen to be in one of my favorite ‘love to hate but still love’ movie franchises of all time wearing things like jorts and airbrushed abs!

Creative Commons License


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons
Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0
United States License
.

LTT Privacy Policy



Sponsored by