My newfound respect for Bella

You know when you have a conversation with a friend, then you tell her to slow down or repeat what she said and while she’s speaking you take out a notebook and jot down the conversation so you can remember it for a blog post later? Or when a friend is telling you a completely unrelated story about something random and you interrupt her to tell her- YOU SHOULD TURN THAT INTO A BLOG POST FOR ME? Yeah… that’s become my life. That’s how Twilight Follows ME everywhere I go. So when I got an email from Alice_NaA about an experience she had the other day, I quickly took the opportunity to have her turn it into content for ME. I’m cool like that!

Dear Edward,

I just had my first ever laser hair removal session this morning. It BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNSSSSS (and not in the ‘Ring of Fire’ kinda way). Like seriously. I nearly fainted afterward. No joke. I had to lie down for 5 minutes. It was really REALLY painful. (Dermatologists call it “uncomfortable”. Dermatologists also lie.) And then I started thinking:

This is just a fragment of how it must feel when you are being transformed into a vampire (the fact that I’m thinking about twilight, while my hair roots are being burned is normal). I understood that it must be a really painful experience.

“The pain was bewildering…It felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time…like grabbing the wrong end of a curling iron…the fire blazed hotter” Bella, Breaking Dawn.

But truthfully, even with Stephenie Meyers uber-clear metaphors, I still didn’t really get it. Maybe that’s because I just happen to be the one person who has never been sewn in half or trampled by bulls. But I DID got pro-wave laser, and I TOTALLY get it now. Holy crap! She must have suffered SO badly. For me it was merely the first or whatever layer of epidermis, for a whole five minutes tops. I can only imagine what it must be like to have this pain for three whole days, EVERYWHERE. And just like that, I have gained a lot more respect for Bella.

For starters, the mere fact that she endured it. Although once you’re in that stage, there is kinda no way back, but still. She made sure chapter 19 was still an interesting read.

“Downstairs, someone was watching a ball game. The mariners were winning by two runs.”

Had that been me, chapter 19 would have been:

“IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSS.KILL ME.NOW! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN EDWARD!”

Secondly, she even didn’t get a nice pre-burning stage ceremony (aka sexytimes with you. on a rug. in front of the flickering flames of an open fireplace.), but had to witness a lot of bickering over the little monster that was slowly killing her from within her own womb. I at least had a yummy breakfast, a relaxing drive singing along with Talking Heads, thinking I was just gonna feel a little “uncomfortable”. (Dear doctors, the scale of comfort has a WIDE range. All the way from an afternoon nap in a sleep number bed with the Edward man pillow, to watching Big Daddy eat a burger after his annual one-day diet. BE MORE SPECIFIC.)

But most importantly, she let you believe she didn’t suffer any pain.

“I kept my face smooth and nodded and thanked my rarely lucky stars that Edward could not read my mind…I knew the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins. But there’d been no way I was going to mention that fact.”

I would have ripped your little lying ass to pieces the moment I woke up. All this CRAP about you not wanting her to lose her soul, while you mentioned the pain and burning sensation maybe once or twice.  I could only imagine a ‘stepping into a too hot bath’-burning feeling and I’m pretty sure that was what Bella was expecting too- Not that it REALLY BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSS. DUDE. Should have treated Bella to a laser hair removal session to convince her to stay human. It would have worked. Trust.

Love,
Alice_NaA

First it’s been WAY too long since Edward got a letter, so thanks for remedying that, Alice! And secondly, how has Twilight crept into YOUR life lately?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • http://twitter.com/Jayde17 Jayde

    LOL! Bless. This letter is hilar, Alice!
    I’ve never had laser hair removal but thought about it for my pits (I hate shaving there, I always get scared I’m gonna nick one of the little moles… yeh, probs TMI) but now I think NOT.
    I do not do pain well at all (I don’t know how I sat through two teeny tattoos, to be honest)! I cry getting a friggin needle!
    Also, this: “IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSS.KILL ME.NOW! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN EDWARD!”
    Sounds like what women in the movies say to men when they’re giving birth. *shudder*

    As for how Twilight has crept into my life lately… I’m pretty sure it’s ALWAYS present, even in the tiniest way.

  • superhumanmoron

    I always thought I would get laser hair removal one day, too. Uh, maybe not.

    • Alice_NaA

      I’m so bad for the economy. :p.

      To be perfectly honest:
      It hurts like hell at the time, but you won’t feel a thing afterwards. You don’t even notice you had laser. All in all it lasted 5 minutes (and I even asked her to slow down, to help ease the pain). So in retrospect, if you can handle a few moments of horrible HORRIBLE pain, I think it’s well worth it. Later sessions should also hurt less and I’m taking a painkiller next time.

      P.S. I’m SO sounding like someone sharing an experience in one of those girly forums. but whatever. :p

      • superhumanmoron

        I have given birth 3 times, so maybe I could hack it! Perhaps depending where it is….

  • JodieO

    So when the day comes that Ron finally decides he’s sick of these young girls with hot bodies and comes looking in my direction and wants to know why I’m so hairy… everywhere… I’m handing him this letter.

    • Ish

      Ron??????

      • http://twitter.com/JessicaLBarrett Jess

        Sorry! I didn’t mean to laugh at the fact that you don’t know who “Ron” is.
        Since no one has explained: From what I understand, “Ron” is the name given to the drunken, awkward, dumpster-frequenting version of Rob. I have no idea how it started, but there it is.

        • Ish

          hrmpf retracted. thanks for explanation, felt like primary school again when wasn’t wearing the right socks….

          • Tigerkitten36

            As long as the socks are blue, you’re in.

            LOL

    • http://twitter.com/JessicaLBarrett Jess

      1. I love that you called him Ron on here. And I love that some people don’t get it.
      2. I laughed very hard at your comment. I love you.

      • Ish

        hrmpf

  • Ish

    How can one ever hope to stay away from this site when you are just so hillarious. love it.
    by the way what on earth has happened to Midnite Cyn and illegal wolf girl don’t tell me they have been blocked or (gasp) worse – grown up….

    • JodieO

      MidnightCyn had a huge surgery last week. She’s going to be out of commission for a while.

      • operarose

        Jodieo, just wondering if you’d be able to send me Cyn’s email address? I’d like to write her a little note. Is she doing well?
        if possible DM me on Twitter @operarose
        Thanks!

    • http://twitter.com/JessicaLBarrett Jess

      Illegal has been MIA on twitter for a while, too. I miss her :( She finished school and moved back to her home country, so I think she’s just been busy.

      • Ish

        cheers hope op goes well will keep fingers crossed for speedy recovery as miss her fantastic wit

  • http://twitter.com/JessicaLBarrett Jess

    Uh, good to know.
    I, too, thought I would probably do this one day. I now know I will NOT.
    Thanks, Alice, for saving me a lot of unnecessary pain :)
    I’ll stick to shaving.

  • tuesdaymidnight

    Win for the Johnny Cash reference. Double win for the Talking Heads!

    Oh, right, Twilight. Well, I went to the zoo yesterday and saw wolves… right next to a grizzly bear exhibit. The words “they’re NOT bears” might have come out of my mouth. I also may or may not have used the terms “irritable” to describe the grizzlies. At this point, it’s a reflex.

    • allryans

      We’re going to the zoo tomorrow. We haven’t seen the new bears exhibit yet. Whoo hoo! (Damn, it’s going to be hot).

      • tuesdaymidnight

        We went right when the zoo opened, but it was still really effing hot! You’ll have to tell me if you felt sorry for the wolves (NOT bears) in their pen. I felt like they needed more room to roam… and to fursplode… I’m such a dork.

  • Carrie Jo

    While I’ve never had laser hair removal, I have had them (idiotic doctors who apparently have no idea what pain is) tell me that injecting novacaine under my skin would “burn a little bit.” I proceeded to feel like they were trying to singe the mole off my back instead of numb the area.

    Never thought of that in relation to Bella’s transformation. I think I might have killed Edward when I woke up, too.

    Definitely not planning on laser hair removal, either :) Thanks for the warning.

  • http://cantgoogleeverything.blogspot.com Rachel B

    Good letter Alice! I love the ad at the bottom too! :-)

    Twilight creeps into my life a lot more than I’d like to admit. Even in the everyday normal things! Like everytime I see a guy in jean shorts a little uncontrollable smirk plays accross my face and my brain is yelling “jorts!”

    • http://twitter.com/Jayde17 Jayde

      Sad thing is whenever something like this happens to me, I can’t mention to the RL people I’m with because they’ll all just go “huh?” and look at me funny. God bless Twitter! haha

      • Carrie Jo

        That was one of the distinct advantages to reading Twilight when I was a 7th grade English teacher. The girls and I joked about it constantly…while the boys were mystified.

        I don’t know what it says about me that I was excited to have 13-yr-olds to share my love of Twilight with, but whatever!

        • Xylem108

          You can’t buy that kind of teacher / student ship! Those girls will remember that and the sentence diagraming you thought them for ever!

          • sjaantje

            You know if I had Twilight when I was in the 7th grade and was taught sentence diagramming using Twilight, I might still remember that sh….stuff.

            I know what you mean though. I got one babysitter hooked on Twilight and then when she moved and I had to find a new one, being a Twilight fan was a requirement. I finally found a group of women in my area and it will be interesting who is more in control of themselves, the teens or the moms. LOL!

    • snowwhitedrifted

      My 3 year old now refers to them as “jorts” as well. “Mommy I want to wear my jorts to reptile day”.
      Sounds like a perfect wardrobe choice to me.

      • Stacey

        My daughter was wearing a pair yesterday and I slipped and called them that. She asked,”What are jorts, Mommy?” I think I turned 10 shades of red and said, “Umm…I said jean shorts.”

        She was also singing along to the Eclipse soundtrack in the car today. I thought she was asleep. oops! At least she has good taste. :0)

    • TeamSeth

      What about when you referenced Edward to help your student remember when the Spanish Influenza went down?

      I get Twi creeping in daily. Any time I see an account at work referenced as “NM” it takes me a little bit to realize it’s New Mexico. Even stupid things like this morning I used the word “Rules” with my unicorn and the ‘u’ made it sound like it rhymed with “wolves” and we both had a giggle. “I mean, giant rules!” Suppose that’s not that funny. But he’s just finished up all the books and thus we’re able to make a twi reference every time we speak. Which is often in “twi-code” since we work together and speak at work and don’t want to ‘out’ ourselves there…

      • http://cantgoogleeverything.blogspot.com Rachel B

        does this unicorn read LTT? He needs to get on here and comment!

        We need another guy commenter since bobbygee seems to be taking an extended hiatus. (prob watching the World Cup)

        • TeamSeth

          I do miss bobbygee. And yes, my uni not only reads and comments on LTT (as Slapping the Beaver, look for his cute little beaver avi), he even order a Downward Spiral ceramic mug for our daily coffee runs. And has been known on occasion to say “Awesome Blossom” in response to comments made (out loud).

          • Slapping The Beaver (a Unicorn)

            It’s true, and i try to read LTT as much as my hovering co-workers will allow me to sneak in a peak ;-)

            yeah, not a big fan of the ewoks, sorry TS… Though i am totally psych’d to get $0.10 off my morning starbucks via my rad ‘downward spiral’ purchase

      • Stacey

        You have a unicorn! That is awesome. I wish I had a unicorn! I’ll trade you. You want Mr. Star Wars?

        • TeamSeth

          As long as he appreciates how cute the ewoks are.

          • Slapping The Beaver (a Unicorn)

            if it makes any difference, i’m really not a big fan of jar jar binks either

          • TeamSeth

            I’m still mad about the ewoks.

  • Xylem108

    Twilight crept into my faculty meeting yesterday. A colleague was talking about some kids subcombing to peer pressure and another colleague whom I didn’t even know read Twilight, tried to agree by saying “Yeah, like sheep and lions”. To which I perked up and said with a knowing smile, “uhm, don’t you mean sheep following other sheep?” We gave each other the knowing look and proceeded to crack up laughing while the rest of the teachers just looked confused. I just told them it had to do with a book. No way was I outing myself to the group!

  • SarahG

    Thank you for alerting us to the perils of laser hair removal! I’ve always wanted to do it to my bikini area, but I can’t even handle the pain from waxing so I guess that’s out!

    As far as Twilight creeping into my everyday life, I guess the fact that I own a Team Cullen zip hoodie and plan to wear it out in public means I’m “outing” myself to the world. I also find myself justifying such purchases by saying “That’s normal.” :)

    • amynkansas

      Just your mere mention of the word “peril” sends my mind to: ” I’ll do the laundry tonight — that ought to be fraught with peril.”

      But that’s normal.

    • TeamSeth

      Oh, but waxing is a repeated event. Laser is only 3 sessions (I think). That’s 15 minutes of peril and pain vs. a lifetime of it.

  • ThatsNormalGrlNC

    This is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

    Love this line:

    “But truthfully, even with Stephenie Meyers uber-clear metaphors, I still didn’t really get it. Maybe that’s because I just happen to be the one person who has never been sewn in half or trampled by bulls. But I DID get pro-wave laser, and I TOTALLY get it now. Holy crap! She must have suffered SO badly.”

  • http://www.twitter.com/antisocialangel fangbanger

    Lovely letter, Alice but OUCH! OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH.

    I’ll make sure to remember this when I’m older.

    I always respected Bella for this burning thing. She thought it was so much more painful than the child crushing her spine. Ummm… SERIOUSLY? I wouldn’t want that. I barely survived giving birth to a normal child.

    • Stacey

      That cesearean scene did me in, probably due to actually having one about two weeks before I read the book. I kept envisioning Dr. Levine giving pointers to Edward. It was creepy.

    • Alice_NaA

      I’ll let you know how it relates to childbirth in 6 years or so.

  • Stacey

    Alice_NaA, you are one brave lady. I thought about doing it, but I got way to scared. Now I see I won’t be able to handle it. Which is also the reason I avoided the tattoo in college, but got the nose piercing instead. Which also hurt. I’m such a wimp.

    I had a Twilight embarassment moment yesterday. I was inviting a friend to come to the dinner and the movies with me and a group of other ladies to see Eclipse. But I was unable to actually say Eclipse to her, so I was just sort of saying, “It’s the one with the cute guys…umm…” “You mean Eclipse?” “Maybe” “Ohh Stace, are you 13? The first movie with the sparkly dude, completely lost me.”

    I guess she’s not coming.

    • Alice_NaA

      I’m a TOTAL wimp too. The “no anesthetics required” and “uncomfortable” did me in. Maybe it’s for the best, since I don’t regret it all (I will the day I have to go for my follow-up, tho), but y’all should be warned to at least take a painkiller!

    • snowwhitedrifted

      …it’s okay, you “don’t want (her) to come.” ;)

    • Owning It

      I thumbs-downed the lady who said ‘Are you 13?’ and then pretended to not like it. Secretly, she hides her “Sexy Stars of Twilight” magazine under her pillow.

  • Michelle

    Thank you for steering me away from laser hair removal…LOVED the letter – brilliant! :) :)

    Every freaking single time I say “perfect” I think of Bella and her new truck. It’s perfect! Sigh. That’s the one thing I think of…but anytime someone says something remotely close to a twilight line…I’m there. So sad yet so normal.

    Normal.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ScienceGeek91 Rob’s slow mo’ strut

    Hilarious letter Alice! Laser hair removal procedures are relatively new here but I had no idea that it burns that bad! Yikes!

    “the fact that I’m thinking about twilight, while my hair roots are being burned is normal”

    This reminds me of an experience I had which I shared on LTR in a ‘Dreaming of Rob’ post. (Please bear with me if you’ve read my comment on that post already.)

    You see, I have a pretty strong immune system. I rarely get sick or catch a fever. But, a few months ago, I went to sleep as always and then something strange happened. In the middle of the night, I realized I was burning up (No, not that awful JoBro song.) I wasn’t fully conscious, but I felt this fire blazing through me from my head to toe. The first thought I had (while I was semi-conscious) was that I was running a fever. Guess what my second thought was? Yup, vampire transformation. Ain’t that great? I am running a temperature of 102 degrees and all I could think about was that was what (to quote Jacob) ‘vampirization’ felt like. Then I went on to have my first and so far, only, Rob dream ever. Dream wasn’t anything exciting. He just shows up in his New Moon tweed suit and glares at me.

    The reason for babbling so much is that, while I can’t imagine my hair being torn off of my roots, I can relate to Alice_NaA when she says she thought of Twilight during that situation.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ScienceGeek91 Rob’s slow mo’ strut

      Oops, my bad! I meant I couldn’t imagine my hair roots being burned, not torn off! Sorry for the error!

      • Alice_NaA

        Could be torn off too. I was too busy screaming on the inside to ask or even care what was happening exactly. This is what I got:
        hair -> PAIN -> no hair EVER.

        In the end, all is good.

        I think that twilight is like our happy place, to go to when things are really bad.

  • Sue G.

    “IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSS.KILL ME.NOW! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN EDWARD!”

    Notice how it is always the guys fault! I think that’s why they are put on this Earth!

    I had a funny Twilight story with my 13 year old yesterday. We were spring cleaning her room and I found a small container of sparkly cream (really popular a few years ago with the kids before Twilight even came out) and of course my first thought is that Hot Sparkly Vampire! Now, she is a huge Team Jacob fan so of course I had to tease her that she really is a closet Team Edward fan and wants to join the good side! :o)

    • Alice_NaA

      “Notice how it is always the guys fault! I think that’s why they are put on this Earth!”

      TRUE! Who else do we have to blame for all the misery we have to endure.

  • StotheP

    Love the letter!

    ‘Secondly, she even didn’t get a nice pre-burning stage ceremony (aka sexytimes with you. on a rug.’

    WORD. Aren’t you supposed to have a focal point or image for trying times? I’m thinking a nice third-base memory could have eased at least some of the pain.

  • kristen’s bestie

    Ohhh! Please tell me this was armpits or bikini or some other uber sensitive spot! I was seriously considering laser hair removal on my legs until I read this post. I had no idea there was pain involved. Please, Alice NaA, please say it isn’t the leg area……

    • Alice_NaA

      Nope, no legs. It shouldn’t be that painful I think.
      Make sure to have a good laser (more pain, but at least shown to be effective), not one of those old ones they have at spa’s claiming to work on all types of hairs (-> rip-off) aka see a dermatologist.

  • TippyL

    Lol. This letter is brilliant. Watching Big Daddy eat a burger after his annual one day diet. Lol.

    Moon, saw your pic with Dick on Twitter. Huge win! You’re adorable.

  • Swede

    I went running today, and right afterwards when I had that “I’m-soooo-hot-right-now-feeling”, the first thing on my mind was that if I were turned right then and there, I would look that hot forever. That’s normal, right?

  • GreenNotBlue

    Letter – funny!
    Fake vampire laser hair removal ad – unspeakably HILARIOUS! It makes me want to re-write all cheesy ads from the undead perspective!

  • http://isuckatbloggingbuticanbite.blogspot.com/ Janetrigs

    This letter was Fucktastic! I loved it to pieces. Thank you for explaning this to me, in a clear manner, aka IT BUUUURRRRNNNNNNNNNNSSS!

  • claire’s mommy

    Having pushed out two babies, one of which had a 14″ head (not normal) and the other one only 2 months ago, I like to think that my downstairs has a pretty good idea of what Bella must have been feeling. And of course I was on bed rest for most of my last pregnancy, so I reread all the books and I would have had to read BD the same day my doctor told me I would probably have a c-section (I didn’t, BTW. Woot!). Mr. Mommy came home to find me laying in bed crying hysterically and rambling about him chewing on my stomach.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      Truth!

      Every time I hear or read, “it burns,” I am instantly brought back to the birth of my first child when I screamed that exact phrase at the top of my lungs as my precious lady parts ripped. *shudders even though it recovered*

      I imagine the burn Bella endured was like that all over her body… And couldn’t imagine taking that in silence.

      I believe Alice_NA has effectively sedated my contemplation of considering getting laser hair removal to get out of shaving… but I’m not interested in reliving that kind of pain. The memory is vivid enough without it (and yet I had a second kid… I might have been a slow leaner allowing that to happen, but I made sure I felt nothing below the waist that time). ;)

      • TeamJacobEdward

        Sorry, that was probably waaaaay too much information.

        • Alice_NaA

          I think I might prefer an Edwardian cesarean

      • lindsaylee

        You are my hero for going drug free, the thought of birth sends morphine cravings through me. I say knock me out and bring me the baby when its pretty.

        Bella lucked out on that one, but ill be damned if my husband come anywhere near my belly with his teeth…

  • babiesbrown

    This is hi-lar. I can soo relate bc I have an equally idiotic totally inappropriate and weird to be relating this experience to Twilight moment when I was in pre term labor with my twins. Yeah, birth sucks.
    I was 8 weeks early and they were trying to stop my labor bc hi, having twins two months too soon is NOT COOL.
    The doctor tried a couple shots of something that he said usually work but my boys were in a hurry and having none of that so the doc told me he’d have to take “appropriate and immediate measures.” Kay. I’m just hanging out here in the ICU dying to death, so whatevs.
    He ordered a magnesium drip and they pushed two full IV bags of that shit into me really quick. About the time that burn was starting to run up my arm from the needle, he goes, “This almost always helps us stop early labor, but you should know, Mrs. Brown, that some women report a burning sensation and overheating. We will help you deal with these symptoms but they can be uncomfortable.” (there with that word again, and again, a fucking lie)
    Any of ya’ll ever been on IV mag? I kept muttering “Bel uh” in my state of insanity and the dh thought I was hallucinating till I came out of it 2 days later as they tried to wean me off.
    It’s horrifying. It was January in Indiana and they turned the heat in my room completely off and I still was baking from the inside out. They opened all my windows. Dh was sitting in a huge puffy coat and I was naked and screaming for ice water. It sucks balls. Bad.
    The worst thing about mag? It’s a fraking muscle relaxer, (to stop contractions) so you can’t even move very well to scratch the melting skin off your face the way you want to bc your hands and arms dont’ fraking work right.
    Dear God. I told the dh afterward that I wondered if any of SM’s kids were early, bc that whole vamping thing was the only thing I could think of while I was laying there burning alive, too limp to reach my own damn bendy straw.
    My kids better never say I don’t love ‘em is all I gotta say. Otherwise I’d have been begging the docs to just call it and get them fraking outta there already.
    TMI? Sorry. I still gotta wonder which of her kids was early bc she totally ripped the experience for Twilight lore.

    • Stacey

      I think that might be an important question to ask Stephenie! What do you think UC and Moon? I was wondering that myself. It seems that scene, brings painful memories for the readers who are mommies and birth control for those who never experienced the birth process. Good thing my babies are cute, because they were both pains to get out. At least they weren’t breaking my spine or chewing their way out. It just felt that way.

    • SidewaysSmirk

      omg brown you had me dying over this. i never comment but this THIS is hilar. and only because i’ve sort of, not really but kind of been there in a related sense – getting an epidural from a newbie anesthesiologist who seriously had very little idea of what she was supposed to be doing with that needle back there, and the burning of that made me instantly look to my mother and ask her if my eyes were red. She was like, oh my god what did you GIVE HER.

      love your writing style. great work. ;)

  • Heidi’sMom

    Excellent post! I love when Twilight permeate real life. I was typing an email yesterday explaining about that all the rain out games in Little League were driving me nuts. And I ended with “Do we live in WI or – “and I was thinking Seattle? Oregon? Where does it rain all the time? – I remembered I was sending this to my Twi-twin, so I put Forks. She knew exactly what I meant.

  • Stacey

    Just thought of something when I was stuck in traffic. (Connecticut in summer…argh!) If Bellla fell for Emmitt instead, he would have completely warned her with curse words. Like, “Babe, it’s gonna #*>#% hurt!”

    Never mind, it wouldn’t get that far. They would have done it, he wouldn’t have been careful and she would be completely dead. That would have definately shortened the Twilight story.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      Or he would have had Carlisle change her like half-way through Twilight with the ending being them thinning forests and smashing house. And we’d all be sitting here making comments about knocking down trees and demo-ing buildings, instead of pillow biting and dusting of feathers…

    • lindsaylee

      Very estute and hysterical observation… I can just see the ff now…

  • snowwhitedrifted

    Ouch, good to know about Laser hair removal, AliceNaA!

    …so this kind of relates re:pain & hair removal. I was doing an at home bikini wax (total novice). Well I effed it up and the wax dried a bit… and I was stuck to the bathtub. I was home alone, couldn’t reach anything to help remove me, so I just had to grin and bear it. There were tears, blood, and explatives “40 Year Old Virgin” style. I thought, “even if I could reach a phone and called the fire department, no way am I going to be in the pressence of firemen in this state.”

    ..and everyday Twi moment: I was running this morning. It was about 5:45. I run, with my dog, on a rather nature-y bike path. I saw a lone coyote and thought, “awe, one man wolfpack, where’s your Sam?” … even though it was a coyote… and coyotes are NOT WOLVES or BEARS.

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  • whyamidoingthis

    Hilarious letter, Alice!

    Can I just say how much I love:

    “If only we had Advanced Laser Clinics back in the 19th century, Charles would be dead and buried by now”

    Thanking you for the Cullen smiles…

  • http://mainericefamily.blogspot.com no cool name

    Pulling crabgrass in the lawn today I thought to myself “This would go SO much faster if the Cullens were here to help.”

    Kept that thought to myself – husband pulling crabgrass next to me would not have understood, nor would I really want him to.

    • Becca

      I was thinking the same thing last weekend as I was weeding my garden!! I was thinking that the Cullens could afford grounds keepers, but since they could do all the work so fast and without even breaking a sweat, they might enjoy it? I was wishing a Cullen would show up fo sure! (-;

      • http://mainericefamily.blogspot.com no cool name

        Sadly, this thought has occurred to me in situations other than just weeding the garden – folding a mountain of laundry? Alice would be SUCH a help here! Painting a room? Put Emmett and Jasper on that, stat!

        • Sj

          Cullen’s Home Help – For All Your Basic Needs.

  • x.rosa.lie

    I get this all the time, this is totes gonna make me sound like a 12 year old, but in P.E today, we were playing rounders (Englands almost version of baseball..) and whilst queueing to bat I had a go at Jasper’s sexy bat tricks.. chipped a nail :’(

  • cedvanhalen

    Recent encounter with Twilight in my life: Last week I went to the bridal dress shop with my mom to pick up her dress for her wedding. While we were waiting, I picked up a pair of awesome sparkly shoes and was commenting on how I liked them. Chick who worked there came up to me at that moment and goes, “Yeah, they’re called ‘Twilight’” and looked at me like she knew I was a fan. She knew! It was like I had “I heart Twilight” written on my forehead.

    • operarose

      The number of things that are named “Twilight” these days is staggering! I’ve seen so many clothes, makeup, scents, etc., that are called “Twilight.”

      I am pretty sure 50% of the makeup products out there have a shade called “Twilight.”

      I’ve seen a few “Eclipse” and “Moon” references in color names lately, too.

      Can’t say I’ve seen too many “Breaking Dawn” colors, however…

  • DJTanner&theFullHouse

    Here is my everyday Twilight story. So I totally have a Jacob keychain, given as a semi-gag gift, used as a reminder of real love. Anyway, I was holding my keys and one of the young girls I work with (about 12 years old) says in her Spanish accent, “Oh! You have Jacob (silent “J”) on your keys! I love him!” and I told her he was my favorite, too, and she said “I know – Edward is, well, he is kind of ugly!” And while I don’t agree with those sentiments, I did know at that moment this kid was special and my new favorite person!

    PS She also refuses to read Breaking Dawn ’cause it sounds “too creepy.” Not that I disagree…

  • JellyBeanRainbow

    Yes, Alice, that’s normal to think about Twilight related stuff when having laser hair removal.
    I do that to, but in a slightly different way. I mostly think about it when thinking about Rob (or Edward). I must admit I’m a proud survivor of several treatments on two different parts of my body and I’m currently preparing for the third part. It hurts like hale but it’s over quick and results are really worth it. Giving blood is more painful and stressful than laser.

    So, as a former fan and lover of metrosexual and waxed-all-over-guys I find it intriguing how I like Rob so much even if he’s so hairy and definitely low maintenance guy. I bet he doesn’t mind about those in-between days, when there’s body hair and you can’t get rid of it because you are waiting for another few days for another appointment. And he’s definitely not a guy who can expect you to have a brazilian wax or something similarly painful, while he walks around unshaven and in dirty shirts.

  • operarose

    *Tweed moment* I do think that the sheer pain that Bella had to live through to become a Vampire is one of the reasons that critics who say that “Bella didn’t have to give up anything for her happy ending” are not thinking hard enough. Bella had to transform into another species, basically, and it was painful. Maybe that transformation wasn’t the climax of the book, but it was proof that she did have to give things up (her human body, possibly soul, and live through crushing pain both physical and mental) to be a vampire/be with Edward. So … that’s why I’m not one of those people who hate the happy ending in Breaking Dawn. She did have to endure a bit of shizz to get to the happy sparkly Vampy ending.

    Now with that said I really hate hair but I am particularly prone to pain (something about a redhead gene) and even though I endure it well, since I always have to go through painful dental appointments (I swear I have the worth teeth genes in the world) I think my pain quota is filled up enough each year that I don’t really care to voluntarily undergo additional pain.

    Plus my mom was enough of a child of the 70s to have taught me that women should draw a line at what they’ll do for “Beauty.”

    (Which is one reason I occasionally like our friend KStew, not to say that I’d go to a photoshoot with 7-day old stubble, however…)

    • TeamSeth

      *Puts on new Tweed Serious tshirt (ok, it’s still being shipped)*
      I agree and disagree. Interestingly enough, in Twilight in the prom scene when Edward is at the start of trying to talk her out of becoming a vampire, he mentions the pain and she blanches. And that sort of wraps up the convo for then. So, obviously the pain is kind of the main thing that concerns her (at first). Then she starts to realize what else she’ll be giving up (for 1 year at least). I think that giving up her parents is the biggest issue for her. And she’s truly scared of what she’ll become… that she will lose a connection with herself (after seeing how Bree is) and that Edward won’t love her anymore. That’s her biggest fear, that he won’t love her anymore…I think that was my only saving grace in Eclipse (god, I have to reread that book…I’ve nearly blacked it all out in annoyance. 14 days…), but then I guess that kind of annoyed me too. Edward knows she’ll be a crazy vamp, and he’s cool with it. I just can’t get why she can’t see that!

      Um, something suddenly came up and I will have to finish this thought later… (random, I know) To be continued…

    • Heidi’sMom

      Seriously — this redhead thing?! After giving birth, I was trying to stand up for the first time and the nurses said redheads tend to be “fainters” so they were being extra careful for me. I had totes forgotten about that (nearly 9 years later) until I read this.

  • Leah

    This was to funny.
    but i wish you would put up more then 1 post a day.
    WE WANT A PODCAST

    • http://letterstotwilight.com unintendedchoice

      Leah if you can find a way for me to blog full time (and make $$) I PROMISE YOU I’ll post MANY TIMES a day!!!!

  • Owning It

    After that hilarious, yet educational info on laser hair removal, I’ll think I’ll stick to the tedious job of shaving. At least, whenever I feel the need to wear shorts. Or jorts. Although hairy legs and jorts seem like they could be a winning combo…

    As for how often Twilight comes to mind in my daily life, I would say enough that I’m here, and I’m verrrrry ‘normal’. For instance, today I was at the grocery store with my 2yr old daughter, and to keep her entertained, I was pushing the cart fast down some of the more empty aisles. When making a particularly fast turn, I actually said -out loud- ‘You better hold on tight, Spi….’ and then realized that someone was standing right there, listening and watching. I not sure what was more embarrassing- that I am quoting Twilight out in public without even realizing it, or that I chose to publicly debut my craziness using the dreaded ‘Spider Monkey’!!!

  • Its no irritable grizzly…

    jorts jorts jorts lol I see them all the time….

  • Jessa

    Oh my…that was hilarious. Thanks for giving me a good laugh!

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  • eclipse22

    hi ladies, well these days its very hard for me not to think of twilight , i’m in paris and usually i live in an island caribbean area, and all i can think about is how close i am to rob’s wax figure in england but we’re not going coz ferry prices for cars way expensive and trains also for party of five!! but i’m going to amsterdam so hope hoping that tussauds there has one, oh and i’ll be really pissed if i can’t find a shop here selling twilight gear, i am not going to see eclipse wearing a normal top, i will not!!!!!!!

  • Julie

    Hilarious!!! I wish I had read this at home and not at work, since it is now obvious that I wasn’t working. Thanks for making my day though :)

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