Today I looked over at my custom-made Rob Pattinson calendar (this picture with the days of the month scribbled on it) and nearly had a heart-attack. YOU ARE RELEASED IN THE THEATERS A WEEK FROM TODAY!? What!? When did that happen? Last thing I remember you were still being filmed & our #LegHitch 2010 trip was 13 months away and @JanetRigs already had a color-coded spreadsheet & her hotel booked and restaurant reservations for the night of your release. Seven days from this very moment I will have seen you!? I need to slow down a second and manage my expectations because right now they are out of control.
We know a ton of people who have already seen the movie. We have heard specific details about what we’ve dubbed the “Leg-Hitch” scene While I know more details than I’d like I still haven’t had 100% confirmation that Edward’s ‘hand curved around my elbow, moving slowly down my arm, across my ribs and over my waist, tracing along my hip and down my leg, around my knee. He paused there, his hand curling around my calf. He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip.’ But he better. That’s all I’m saying. Or else, David Slade. OR ELSE. Plus Stephenie talked Eclipse details when we interviewed her last week (Sorry- not allowed to repeat them until AFTER the movie is released) and while she’d occasionally say “SPOILER” and nod for us & the gals from TwilightSeriesTheories to cover our ears, I was still thinking about how the words “jorts” came out of her mouth when we first met and forgot where my ears were. So needless to say, I’ve heard a LOT about this movie. And most everything I’ve heard has been good. Like “This is the best movie out of the three BY FAR” good and “There are no cheesy lines” good. But let’s start with that because after being a Twi-lover for so long, my expectations have changed and:
There better be cheesy lines
You remember how much I wanted Chris Weitz to incorporate a character like Buttcrack Santa in New Moon? I even created Tequila Tomas for him. It would have been so simple- plus Forks could use that diversity- all that green grass & gardens but no experienced gardener? Tragedy. But whatever, Chris… you didn’t listen to me. And New Moon was lacking that random character that made us (and Stephenie) really confused. However, what New Moon wasn’t lacking was cheesy lines. I’d even say that the lines we came away with from New Moon stuck more than in Twilight. I mean, “They’re NOT Bears” “FACEPUNCH” and “Let’s DO This!?” How many times a day do YOU say them? I say them at least 12 times, plus @Brookelockart still consistantly texts me an audio clip of “They’re Not Bears” randomly late at night.
Let’s Do This:
I have HIGH expectations of what Eclipse might bring. I’m envisioning Edward whispering “Leg Hitch Me” to Bella in school the first day back after he almost gives in on the bed. And then Bella faints in the middle of Geometry class, which is a shame because she was about to win the golden triangle for being the biggest math nerd!
Then wouldn’t it be awesome if, as Bree runs to the clearing from the forest she’s screaming FREE FRED at the top of her lungs!? Who cares that it doesn’t make any sense. Since when do Twilight jokes make sense? Anyone remember Buttcrack Santa’s “little bottles?” Right..
And I feel like New Moon played ‘just the tip’ with Quil Clout Lay. IT was only said ONCE? What is Jacob? A pansy? Tell that girl you love her ALL.THE.TIME, dude. How do you think Edward got her? By riding dirt bikes & wearing jorts? NO. I’d like the tent scene to be full of moments where the camera pans to Jacob, brushing a strand of wig-covered mullet hair from Bella’s forehead, whispering “Quil Clout Lay. No seriously, I really “Quil Clout Lay” you”
Man, I’m good. I should really make movies
I’d like Bella to get a cell phone
And I don’t mean a Native American boy, in wolf form, trailing her around all day long. I mean like something nice- maybe a Nokia, or a Motorola100. Hey, I’d even be happy if for one day they let Kristen borrow Rob’s Jitterbug phone for a scene, just so they can prove that the Twilight saga is, in fact, set in present day and not the early 90s like one would think by the extraordinary amount of flannel worn by the characters.
A wolf needs to utter the term “jorts”
And if that doesn’t happen then I want my money back. Or I at least want to be reimbursed for the cost of the puffy paint I used to write “THESE ARE COMMEMORATIVE JORTS TO CELEBRATE THE TERM BEING USED IN ECLIPSE” and perhaps something extra for my husband who was pretty pissed when I cut up his fav pair of jeans..
I’d really like someone to “BING” something
Remember how, in the book, Edward leaves Bella to talk to Jasper & see if it’s safe for him to stay out of the fight? Maybe he can’t find Jasper, so, being the 109 year old he is, he turns on his trusty Compaq and loads up BING.com and BINGS “Can vampires and werewolves win a fight against Newborns if I sit out and instead cock-block my girlfriend and all of those watching my story?” I really want this to happen so that I make fun of Summit for being the type of company that would so obtrusively throw BING into one of their movies. Burger King crowns, check, BING, check check, Bubble wrap from UPS, triple check (Hey you KNOW it could happen!)
GAH there is so much I want: The Leg Hitch; the leg hitch to turn into full on getting it on; for there to be no 12 year olds in my theater so I can enjoy the getting it on; For my belly to have room for a whole bucket of popcorn at 12 am; for the tent scene to be as tension-filled, awkward and AMAZING as it was in the book and therefore is in my head.. I haven’t been managing my expectations, guys. Stephenie said so herself the tent scene turned out BEAUTIFULLY and she’s so happy with it. What if she just said that because she’s Stephenie & she has to? What if Taylor’s voice cracks & he sounds like he’s 14 and Kristen’s wig was so bad that day they just take it off & rock the scene with the full-blown mullet or Rob’s white make-up gets all smudgy? If there’s anything I’ve learned while loving this saga is that we must have realistic expectations.
When discussing this topic for New Moon, I had some pretty brilliant things to say. I’m going to say those things again- this time relating them to Eclipse:
Let’s not go into Eclipse on opening night thinking it’s going to be like Schindler’s List. If we accept that it will more likely mirror Bring it On Again, it might be easier to love if it’s a major dud. Accept it NOW. They will NOT cover EVERY detail in the book. They have 200 minutes to bring a 25 chapter book to life. Plus they have to backtrack and include some details that Twilight & New Moon left out (like why in the world t he wolves are always shirtless. THAT’S WHERE THEY CAN SAY JORTS!) They will leave out details you feel are important and they will add details IN that you think are stupid. ACCEPT it now!
There will be things that will be cheesy. It’s Newborn Vampires, CGI and WOLVES- Big, non-existent computerized wolves. And They’re NOT Bears, so they will not look real. Cuz wolves like that don’t really exist. Accept IT now! Rob will occasionally sound British. He can’t help it. He’s British. Accept it! Kristen will stutter & blink. She learned that in when she was 13 and in Panic Room when the director yelled “Look scared” and she said “How?” and he responded “Stutter & blink!” Colors will be different. The order of events will be different. Characters will be different. Characters will be ADDED. ACCEPT it NOW! You WILL be cock-blocked like in the book. Edward and Bella don’t get it on. Rob won’t be getting naked. There fight scenes to “bring in a male audience” will be more graphic than in the book. Someone will come in costume with an Edward Manilow attached to their hip (like it’s the “Leg Hitch”), and little girls will be in the theater with their “Team Jacob” t-shirts and you will judge their mothers for allowing them to come despite their age. ACCEPT IT NOW.
Once YOU accept this and once I accept this, we will all be able to enjoy Eclipse- whether cheesy, wonderful, funny, REALLY good or completely horrible. So, LET’S DO THIS together!
Quil Clout Lay,
So where are you? High expectations? Reasonable? What do YOU except to see from Eclipse?