Managing my Eclipse Expectations

Dear Eclipse,

Today I looked over at my custom-made Rob Pattinson calendar (this picture with the days of the month scribbled on it) and nearly had a heart-attack. YOU ARE RELEASED IN THE THEATERS A WEEK FROM TODAY!? What!? When did that happen? Last thing I remember you were still being filmed & our #LegHitch 2010 trip was 13 months away and @JanetRigs already had a color-coded spreadsheet & her hotel booked and restaurant reservations for the night of your release. Seven days from this very moment I will have seen you!? I need to slow down a second and manage my expectations because right now they are out of control.

We know a ton of people who have already seen the movie. We have heard specific details about what we’ve dubbed the “Leg-Hitch” scene While I know more details than I’d like I still haven’t had 100% confirmation that Edward’s ‘hand curved around my elbow, moving slowly down my arm, across my ribs and over my waist, tracing along my hip and down my leg, around my knee. He paused there, his hand curling around my calf. He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip.’ But he better. That’s all I’m saying. Or else, David Slade. OR ELSE. Plus Stephenie talked Eclipse details when we interviewed her last week (Sorry- not allowed to repeat them until AFTER the movie is released) and while she’d occasionally say “SPOILER” and nod for us & the gals from TwilightSeriesTheories to cover our ears, I was still thinking about how the words “jorts” came out of her mouth when we first met and forgot where my ears were. So needless to say, I’ve heard a LOT about this movie. And most everything I’ve heard has been good. Like “This is the best movie out of the three BY FAR” good and “There are no cheesy lines” good. But let’s start with that because after being a Twi-lover for so long, my expectations have changed and:

There better be cheesy lines

You remember how much I wanted Chris Weitz to incorporate a character like Buttcrack Santa in New Moon? I even created Tequila Tomas for him. It would have been so simple- plus Forks could use that diversity- all that green grass & gardens but no experienced gardener? Tragedy. But whatever, Chris… you didn’t listen to me. And New Moon was lacking that random character that made us (and Stephenie) really confused. However, what New Moon wasn’t lacking was cheesy lines. I’d even say that the lines we came away with from New Moon stuck more than in Twilight. I mean, “They’re NOT Bears” “FACEPUNCH” and “Let’s DO This!?” How many times a day do YOU say them? I say them at least 12 times, plus @Brookelockart still consistantly texts me an audio clip of “They’re Not Bears” randomly late at night.

Let’s Do This: [audio:]

I have HIGH expectations of what Eclipse might bring. I’m envisioning Edward whispering “Leg Hitch Me” to Bella in school the first day back after he almost gives in on the bed. And then Bella faints in the middle of Geometry class, which is a shame because she was about to win the golden triangle for being the biggest math nerd!

Then wouldn’t it be awesome if, as Bree runs to the clearing from the forest she’s screaming FREE FRED at the top of her lungs!? Who cares that it doesn’t make any sense. Since when do Twilight jokes make sense? Anyone remember Buttcrack Santa’s “little bottles?” Right..

And I feel like New Moon played ‘just the tip’ with Quil Clout Lay. IT was only said ONCE? What is Jacob? A pansy? Tell that girl you love her ALL.THE.TIME, dude. How do you think Edward got her? By riding dirt bikes & wearing jorts? NO. I’d like the tent scene to be full of moments where the camera pans to Jacob, brushing a strand of wig-covered mullet hair from Bella’s forehead, whispering “Quil Clout Lay. No seriously, I really “Quil Clout Lay” you”

Man, I’m good. I should really make movies

What's that, Aunt Susie? A thing-a-ma-bob from the future?

I’d like Bella to get a cell phone

And I don’t mean a Native American boy, in wolf form, trailing her around all day long. I mean like something nice- maybe a Nokia, or a Motorola100. Hey, I’d even be happy if for one day they let Kristen borrow Rob’s Jitterbug phone for a scene, just so they can prove that the Twilight saga is, in fact, set in present day and not the early 90s like one would think by the extraordinary amount of flannel worn by the characters.

A wolf needs to utter the term “jorts”

And if that doesn’t happen then I want my money back. Or I at least want to be reimbursed for the cost of the puffy paint I used to write “THESE ARE COMMEMORATIVE JORTS TO CELEBRATE THE TERM BEING USED IN ECLIPSE” and perhaps something extra for my husband who was pretty pissed when I cut up his fav pair of jeans..

I’d really like someone to “BING” something

Click that

Remember how, in the book, Edward leaves Bella to talk to Jasper & see if it’s safe for him to stay out of the fight? Maybe he can’t find Jasper, so, being the 109 year old he is, he turns on his trusty Compaq and loads up and BINGS “Can vampires and werewolves win a fight against Newborns if I sit out and instead cock-block my girlfriend and all of those watching my story?” I really want this to happen so that I make fun of Summit for being the type of company that would so obtrusively throw BING into one of their movies. Burger King crowns, check, BING, check check, Bubble wrap from UPS, triple check (Hey you KNOW it could happen!)

GAH there is so much I want: The Leg Hitch; the leg hitch to turn into full on getting it on; for there to be no 12 year olds in my theater so I can enjoy the getting it on; For my belly to have room for a whole bucket of popcorn at 12 am; for the tent scene to be as tension-filled, awkward and AMAZING as it was in the book and therefore is in my head.. I haven’t been managing my expectations, guys. Stephenie said so herself the tent scene turned out BEAUTIFULLY and she’s so happy with it. What if she just said that because she’s Stephenie & she has to? What if Taylor’s voice cracks & he sounds like he’s 14 and Kristen’s wig was so bad that day they just take it off & rock the scene with the full-blown mullet or Rob’s white make-up gets all smudgy? If there’s anything I’ve learned while loving this saga is that we must have realistic expectations.

When discussing this topic for New Moon, I had some pretty brilliant things to say. I’m going to say those things again- this time relating them to Eclipse:

Let’s not go into Eclipse on opening night thinking it’s going to be like Schindler’s List. If we accept that it will more likely mirror Bring it On Again, it might be easier to love if it’s a major dud. Accept it NOW. They will NOT cover EVERY detail in the book. They have 200 minutes to bring a 25 chapter book to life. Plus they have to backtrack and include some details that Twilight & New Moon left out (like why in the world t he wolves are always shirtless. THAT’S WHERE THEY CAN SAY JORTS!) They will leave out details you feel are important and they will add details IN that you think are stupid. ACCEPT it now!

There will be things that will be cheesy. It’s Newborn Vampires, CGI and WOLVES- Big, non-existent computerized wolves. And They’re NOT Bears, so they will not look real. Cuz wolves like that don’t really exist. Accept IT now! Rob will occasionally sound British. He can’t help it. He’s British. Accept it! Kristen will stutter & blink. She learned that in when she was 13 and in Panic Room when the director yelled “Look scared” and she said “How?” and he responded “Stutter & blink!” Colors will be different. The order of events will be different. Characters will be different. Characters will be ADDED. ACCEPT it NOW! You WILL be cock-blocked like in the book. Edward and Bella don’t get it on. Rob won’t be getting naked. There fight scenes to “bring in a male audience” will be more graphic than in the book. Someone will come in costume with an Edward Manilow attached to their hip (like it’s the “Leg Hitch”), and little girls will be in the theater with their “Team Jacob” t-shirts and you will judge their mothers for allowing them to come despite their age. ACCEPT IT NOW.

Once YOU accept this and once I accept this, we will all be able to enjoy Eclipse- whether cheesy, wonderful, funny, REALLY good or completely horrible. So, LET’S DO THIS together!

Quil Clout Lay,

So where are you? High expectations? Reasonable? What do YOU except to see from Eclipse?

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  • teamboth

    LMAO I freaking love you!! I have never laughed so hard in my life. I am so glad I found his website ok enough of that….

    ..You are amazing just saying …

    I am being very realistic if you expect it to be like the book or to have it all in there than you are just stupid. I love how you put it at the end its like you were in my head crazy!!

    I wish so badly the book was rated R instead of young adult!! I want the “leg hitch” scene to be rated R darn it!! But I guess thats what my rated R mind is for 🙂

  • Gabi G

    Besides the Leg Hitch of course!!! I hope they include something to do with the “Needs” chapter… and I agree with Kadie the fight scenes are looking really good I cant wait for it…

  • ICanHandleIt

    The part in Eclipse that I have my fingers crossed for is a very small, itty bitty thing… Chapter 1 pg. 17… Bella is waiting for the afternoon to be over with, waiting for Edward. Charlie tries to cook, yada yada, there is a knock at the door, Bella “wrenched the door out of my way- ridiculously eager- and there he was, my own personal miracle. Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face…..” and she describes his face. A whole paragraph! Nice. So, I just want a shot of Eddie in the door way and some close ups. What? Oh and Leg hitch ’10 of course. (That goes without saying. I have my Leg hitch button already!!!)

  • JustGoWithIt

    Speaking of movies, does anyone think Reese Witherspoon was a good choice for the female lead in Water For Elephants? I read the book, and it seems not quite right to me. I have enjoyed Reese in movies, and like her just fine, but not for the part. Um, I like the Rob casting choice.

    • The Old One

      OK, I’ll bite, I’m getting a little weary of the Eclipse talk, and don’t want to think about it any more until I see it. So, yeah, in Water for Elephants the book, Reese’s character is much younger, she gets married to August when she’s a teenager. Reese is young-looking, but not THAT young. Otherwise, I think she’s a darn good actress and can probably bring whatever is necessary to the role.

      But in more interesting news, did you read how the elephant that plays Rosie has fallen in love with Rob? She gets all excited when Rob shows up on set! And he comes over and she uses her trunk to kiss his face! OMG this to me is strangely hotter than anything going on with Ms. Witherspoon!

      • Robjunkie

        Is this true? Whoa, what kind of voodoo magic is this? Is there no-one and nothing that is immune to his charms?

      • Luludee

        Um, my heart is melting, MELTING about this elephant-in-love-with-Rob news. So, so sweet!
        I love elephants!! They are beautiful, intelligent creatures, and apparently are also good judges of character.
        Just count her in as yet another female unable to resist Rob’s charms.

  • MichaelSheenisaDILF

    I’m actually wondering at myself for not being more obsessed about Eclipse. I mean, I haven’t even wasted any time at work watching interview clips, or TV spots that recycle the same footage (how many times can Edward push over that damn tree?). What’s wrong with me ladies? Granted, I have a lot of shit going on in my life, ie, divorce, possibly losing my job but no one will give me a straight answer, pet who is NOT a bear getting old, etc…but this is ECLIPSE! What’s wrong with a bitch?

    Hmm…perhaps it is this: Eclipse = no Aro=no Michael Sheen=FAIL.


    • Lovespelledbackwards

      I really enjoy Edward and the tree. With the snow. hmmmm

    • Kadie

      I’ll agree that I’m looking forward to Aro’s return in BD! I guess we won’t see him until BD pt 2 though, right?

      • kitkat

        I like Aro for his awesome creepiness, so I guess I’ll add that to my growing list of why BD should not be two movies.

        • MichaelSheenisaDILF

          Maybe we should start a petition to MelMel Rosenberg (MelRose?) to write a dream sequence featuring him?

          • snowwhitedrifted

            I’ll wear this to Eclipse in honor of your comment.

            BTW- virtual hugs to you on RL drama.

  • Twipam

    Thanks for the warning. Unfortunately I think I’m a bit over my “managing expectations phase”.. Hmm -Hellooo it’s Vamp’s.. HOT Vamps.. Jorts, leg Hitch.. BETTER BE SERIOUS leg-Hitch *swoon*, A frisky EC… is it hot in here? or is it just me?- lost track so… HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO manage my expectations???

    CAN’T WAIT!!!!

    OH and I don’t know what is all the fuss about Midnight Sun for; seriously WHO cares? I don’t.. sp pls Steph DO NOT , DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO SAYS EITHER WAY…

  • Lovespelledbackwards

    I so needed that pep talk UC. And yes, the bad lines have made these movies so complete. We need them in our lives.

  • Carolyn

    I must thank Stephenie for pulling you guys out of her hat. I wasn’t familiar with this site…. and now I am! Can I just say, reading your post about Eclipse expectations MADE MY DAY!!! I love the cynicism. Seriously, outstanding. And I will judge those those mothers, expect the word JORTS now, as well as hope for a “butt crack santa” reunion. I could happen, right?
    Thanks for the laugh today!

    • oh so glad you found us Carolyn! YOu sound like “our people” I mean.. you already know what JORTS are :):)

    • Luludee

      I will be judging those mothers too. Oh yes I will. At the BD midnight premiere in my hometown, there was a mom with like 5 girls who were like in the 8-10 age range. She was really nice and excited and all, but my friend and I both gave each other the “WTF is she doing here with these kids” look.

      Also, Welcome Carolyn!

  • KinkyKiss

    i love you guys…
    you never seem to fail me

    i cant wait to see it either
    however im not looking forward to
    the next day…
    see initially i didnt have a real job
    when i bought our tix, so i had no prob
    doing the whole mid night thing
    BUT NOW i got me an 8-5 job and
    im seriously reconsidering the midnight
    lol but i gotta do what i got to do…

  • Twipam

    Commenting on the teen twi fans that will be at the theater and that will make us all 2nd hand embarrased; I have a almost 14 yr old sis… I am almost 30 and I’m not sure if watching eclipse with her would be the best thing for us… any thoughts on this situation??

    • forks4eva

      First of all, you’re going to see the movie like 29x in the theater because you want leghitch so bad you can taste it. By the 5th time, you can probably stand to take her with you.

  • MichaelSheenisaDILF

    Oh, and has anyone else noticed that Carlisle seems to have a British accent now? Has the Fach been hanging out with Slade too much?

    PS: I’m not hatin on Fach. I’m a serious fan of his. I want him to method act as Dr. Cooper and grab my boob. Just sayin.

  • Lauren

    Never laughed so hard in my life!!! Thank you! The Eclipse “expectations” warning was so true…so true 🙂

  • twiprof

    expectations….let’s see. I have been listening to the Eclipse soundtrack in my car, trying to imagine what the movie will be like, what songs in what places, ya know, simple stuff. About an hour ago, my son put in the Twilight soundtrack, and I realized how long I have been obsessed, how no amount of new muse songs will take place of the baseball muse song….sia is great, but Paramore rocked….my expectations are already swinging low because of the soundtrack, but Eclipse is my favorite book of the series, and I feel like a school girl getting ready to see her first crush walk down the hall….I feel like Taylor Swift….”Drew walks by me….”
    It does not matter how Eclipse the movie is….It will be everything I need it to be. Counting down the hours….

  • teamjacobsfatherinlaw

    my Eclipse expectations are in check, however, if “I Edward Cullen take you, Spider Monkey” is not in the BD Wedding scene I will flip my $h!t.

    • roslynstephanieselene

      Haha! I love your name! Very clever. LOL
      “I Edward Cullen, take you, Spider Monkey”=FTMFW!

    • xylem108

      Yes! lolz

  • roslynstephanieselene

    I accepted that decades ago!
    But I will NOT accept cringing every 5 min…oh who am I kidding.
    They should have a warning’ sign saying:
    “Watching the following may cause side affects which include disbelief at what your eyes are seeing and cringing at cheesy lines. YOU.HAVE.BEEN.WARNED!”
    As if that’d help.

  • robsfuturemate

    UC, I accept this, all of this!! Beautifully written! There have been so many of this “incidents” that I MUST accept all of this things!

    “FacePunch”= fav NM! Second fav…”Love spelled backwards is love.” (seriously?)

  • Jessica

    But Twilight already sold out to Google… Remember when… “I had an adrenaline rush, it’s very common. You should google it”. Also, I don’t think there is a thing in the world better than the dialogue of “FacePunch”!

    • robsfuturemate

      Jessica- I too was thinking about that Google quote when Bing was mentioned!

      (promotional thanks goes to Edward Cullen)

  • Lo Ho

    I am in LA for the summer for an internship and I am just trying to figure out how I am going to make friends before next week so I don’t have to see this by myself!

    I can’t laugh in the theater without support. The tweens would throw their Twilight Sweethearts at me and then peg me with their New Moon Vitamin Water bottles.

    I can’t go in alone! The Twi-Moms are scary.

    • Lo Ho

      PS I use FACEPUNCH & talk about jorts way too much in day to day conversation.

    • email us!!!!!!!!!!! we’re going to see it and there may be an extra ticket

  • All I know is that the music is AMAZING! Can’t wait to see where they place SIA’s “Heavy In Your Arms”. Maybe that’s where he’ll need the leg hitch? Hmmmmmmmm…One can only dream! Till next week at least!

    • Duh! Florence + The Machine’s “Heavy In Your Arms”. Sorry about that, Flo. Love SIA too though!

  • forks4eva

    Easy to keep expectations in check whenever I see Kristen mouth-breathing in the trailers. Love the books and the films, but (my gad!) that mouth breathing is getting on my nerves! I have to wonder to myself outloud if Rob kicked her out of bed for snoring. Seriously, girl. Which makes me laugh out loud every time I read “Breaking Dawn” at the comment Edward makes of her snoring because she’s sleeping so soundly. I just hope that they keep that in the next movie!!!

  • Gabi G

    Hopefully they’ll have the scene where Charlie and Bella are talking about Sex it would be really could to see that one….I really dont know if im getting wayyy to obsessed with Twilight (according to my non-twilight-fans friends I am but they might be biased) I am re- reading the book b4 i watch the movie and i keep having twilight dream lol…

  • Pingback: Eclipse, It’s FINALLY HERE!!! But first it all begins with a choice! | Letters to Twilight()

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