Eclipse Reality Index

Dear Eclipse,

My dear friends @Too_Far_Gone & @lula34 and I LOVE Gossip Girl. That means that every Tuesday, after the latest episode Monday night, we share blog posts we found and stories from the episode the night before. And, of course, lusty videos of Chuck Bass. One of our favorite weekly routines is reading The New York Mag’s Gossip Girl Reality Index where they rate the “realness” or “Fakeness” of an episode & arbitrarily assign points. The 3 of us did this for Remember Me and we’re doing it today for Eclipse. Let’s see how real Eclipse really is!

Realer than Jacob’s vivid tent fantasies that Edward obvious knows about and later uses on Bella because they were pretty damn good ideas. In yo’ face, Jake:

Edward tries to distract Bella from studying from her English final – typical horny male behavior. Plus 5

Vitamin R in the afternoon! It’s happy hour at the Swan house! Plus 3

Sex talk between father & daughter just as awkward as one would expect, even though the father is the coolest & has a rockin’ stache’ Plus 7, but “Dad, I’m a virgin” and she’s dating THAT HOT PIECE? Minus 7, because that’s just not fair.

Jacob’s Cheshire cat smile when Bella hops on the bike with him. I don’t even want to KNOW what kind of thoughts Edward overheard after that. Plus 4

Wonder why Bella has no style sense...

Renee’s white trash outfit at the beach- so Florida plus 3

Chief Black wearing a cowboy hat as a replacement headdress. SWEET. Plus 2

The “let’s sit around the campfire and tell wolf pack/3rd wife stories” scene is just as boring on screen as it is in the book. The upside? It’s the perfect time to go potty and grab a pack of peanut M&Ms. Plus 3

Rosalie THROWS the paper across the room before stalking out to the porch, remaining just in sight of everyone in the living room. Plus 5, because I’ve pulled this move at least once in every fight I’ve had in the past 6 months. A proper bitchy departure takes practice.

Rosalie’s attitude and general hatred of Bella – very realistic, possibly because Nikki actually hates Kristen in real life? Either Plus 3 for Art imitating Life, or for excellent acting on Nikki’s part.

Leah’s bitchy attitude towards Bella when she stops over to see Sam & Emily, plus 8, because the girl has to hear Jacob’s very vivid thoughts about her. And unless Leah’s a closeted lesbian…. no girl wants to hear that….

My boobs look great in yellow

Having Anna Kendrick’s Jessica be the Valedictorian of their graduating class, giving that awesome speech so that her mere screen presence could class up the joint? As real as the hair on her head. And probably only her head, because everyone else in that cast wearing a wig. (Also, we needed her presence desperately, even for only a few minutes, because Michael Sheen wasn’t in Eclipse. Sad.) Plus 23

Edward proposing with a miniature cheese grater ring (approved by Stephenie Meyer, TM) and giving Bella blue balls, all in the same night? Yep, that’s totally Eclipse. Plus 38 but minus 12 for my blue balls

Everyone at the graduation party is in cute dresses and heels… Bella shows up in a blue chambray button-up and jeans. Plus 3 for realistic costumes, Minus 1 for the chambray shirt.

Jacob tells Bella she’ll warm up faster if she’s naked. Plus 30 for the attempt

Victoria uses her boobs and other ASSets to make Riley do what she wants. How else does a woman get what she wants from a man? Plus 8.

While showing the wolves how to throw down against an army of newborn vamps, Jasper whoops the asses all of his family members. Except for Alice. Because she is badass. But she kisses him anyway. Because that is who she is and that is why we love her the most. Plus 17

Anyone spot the vampire in the 3 piece suit and wool overcoat? Riley doesn’t discriminate when it comes to making newborns! Plus 4 for anti-discrimination.

Jacob has a camo-bedspread. Plus 35, because it’s all in the details.

Points= 181

See what’s fake after the jump!

Faker than the Wig Department’s cosmetology degrees:

Minus 12 for this picture. Cuz it's weird...

Minus 7 for Jacob’s letter having ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS scratched out. He might has well have written “Do you want to be my wolf lover? Circle Yes / No” at the bottom.

Minus 1 Mike’s highlights. He looks like a rejected NSYNC member.

Bella’s wig. DAMN. Minus 5 million

What’s up with all the v-neck tshirts on Edward? Does he think that chest hair peeking out is going to send Bella into a hormone-fueled tizzy? Minus 3. (Or maybe that is why he’s wearing it… the chest hair keeps her away? In that case, Plus 4.)

Bella’s staring off into the river – so unrealistic. As an 18-year old, the only reason you’re staring out into the water like that is if you’re on your 4th beer. Minus 5.

Flannel button-ups, waffle-knit shirts, parkas, and knit caps pulled over our ears bring all the chiseled vampires & hot wolves to the yard. Yeaaaaaaaah. (Shit, even Mike wants Bella’s Seattle grunge, circa 1991-look steeze. WHY? Meanwhile, Jessica’s incredible boobs are getting no love? Please. That’s depressing.) Minus 12

When Jacob goes to Forks High, he stands in the parking lot all aloof, and EVERYONE GIVES HIM THE COLD SHOULDER. I’m sorry, but if that piece of meat was in MY high school parking lot, I would have been chatting him up hardcore, not giving him the stink eye. Minus 12

What is up with men revealing their feelings in this movie? It didn’t seem so unrealistic in the book but onscreen, it’s overwhelming. Everywhere you turn, there’s a guy telling Bella how much he loves her, and why life with him would be better, and using crazy metaphors to describe his love for her. DAVID SLADE, you of all people should know, that men do NOT reveal their feelings like that. So please stop getting up the hopes of 13-year-old girls everywhere. Minus 15.

Those ridiculous sunglasses Bella dons while visiting Renee’ in Florida. Hell to the no. Alice would’ve, at the very least, loaned her a pair of Marc Jacobs or Chanel black frames. Those things on her face came from Dollar General. We all know it. And it’s unacceptable. Minus 6

Bella punches Jacob, instead of slapping him, which is the default female-assaulting-male technique. Minus 5 She breaks her hand. I laugh. Plus 2

Jessica’s graduation speech? Totally written by a presidential speech writer. Minus 2.

Angela & Jess leave Bella to go dance to a song they “love” at the graduation party? False. They’ve never heard that song. Kids in Forks listen to John Mayer, DMB & Debussy. Minus 4

And then... I murdered the person who use to do my eyebrows...

“The Volturi don’t give second chances.” Do the Volturi also not allow tweezing one’s eyebrows??? Minus 2. Also Minus 2 for Rosalie’s DARK BROWN (yet beautifully sculpted) eyebrows. Are we saying the make-up department is without cosmetology degrees to? If so, Minus 3.

Edward asks, “Is [the wrought-iron bed] too much?” YES. YES IT IS. Minus 1.

Jake purring when Bella scratches his head Minus 3 because dogs don’t purr.

Various displays of bromancing in the tent scene. Everyone is into sharing their feelings. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. Minus 20. In real life, Edward and Jacob would have muttered 8 words to each other the entire night, probably something to the effect of “Make sure that f*cking zipper door is closed.”

Bella almost freezes to death 7 hours before she’s outside without a coat? Right. Was she faking to get close to Jacob? Minus 4

Were Rosalie and Esme told they were going to prom instead of into battle? Their hair looks awfully fancy for an afternoon of kicking ass. Minus 2.

I knew if I brushed my hair you'd give me a cheese grater ring

Bella uses a rock to cut herself in the forest. I find it hard to believe that a rock sitting on the forest floor would be sharp enough to cause that kind of blood flow. Minus 1.

Bella taking the time to put on a nice knit sweater and running a curling iron in her hair? Just in case her boyfriend happens to make the engagement official? Right. Minus 12

Points= – 5,000,116

Reality Total -4,999,934


YOUR TURN! Join the fun & fill in what we missed in the real vs fake Eclipse moments in the comments. And don’t forget to assign random point values!

Thanks to Lion & Lamb Love for the pictures!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Ummm, I LOVED B’s Florida sunnies. Tres adorbs. I even got myself a cheapo pair from work ($4.95, mofofs!).
    And Dakota’s eyebrows?! HALE YES!!! I saw them and though “woah, girlfriend needs a wax pronto!”
    Cheesegrater ring is fugs. Points for matching it to the description in the book, but loses point for making me remember how fugs it is. Cos in my head, it’s THE most amazing antique, gold ring with a gorgeous pear cut diamond in the centre, some filligree on the side and a little smattering of diamonds … AKA my dream ring.

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  • Not Quite Normal

    Riley and Victoria managing to get Edward in a head lock minus 500 b/c we know Edward’s mind reading skills would have made that totally impossible.

    Emmet getting like 5 lines in the movie minus 50 points

    Leg hitch + 1000

  • FastForward

    “Minus 7 for Jacob’s letter having ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS scratched out. ”
    I think that is right out of the book. I acually found it cute, that they seemed to take it exctly as S.M. had it printed.
    Correct memory? I am going to watch Eclipse again tonight, with two friends that must not know I already saw it … Thanks for giving the reality check right before!

    • eatmyjorts

      Minus 27 for that letter clearly being written in either a girl’s or older male graphic designer handwriting. The writing of a teenage boy/werewolf? No.

      • snowwhitedrifted

        Jacob’s font is called “Almagro”

        *font nerd award of the day 4me

        • Alice_NaA

          I think you win twi-nerd of the year for that.

    • Stacey

      My thought was, in both the book and the movie, was did Jacob only have one sheet of paper? Couldn’t he, oh I don’t know, rewrite it so it looked a little nicer. Maybe, he could have gone over to the Clearwater’s house and borrow a sheet from Seth’s Transformers notebook? Instead, he sent over a scratched out mess of hormonal ramblings, on a piece of paper that he found crinkled up under his bed. Now compare it to the the elegant script of Eddie, on fancy linen paper. Poor Jake, he didn’t stand a chance.

      • TeamSeth

        Seth only likes transformers because of Megan Fox Octavius.

        • eatmyjorts

          And by Seth, do you mean yourself?

  • Laura

    THank you so much for the eyebrow thing! I just commented about that in the last post because I just saw the movie! It was driving me insane!!!!

    • Unashamed Twi-wife


    • Can’t believe I like this shit

      I think the brows were meant to distract us from the horrific wig.

  • superhumanmoron

    The wolfpack ragging on Jacob about Bella? Plus 10. Make. Him. Squirm.

    • digit22

      um yes, please.

      and although im irrevocably team edward, i gotta give jacob props for this scene. he squirms quietly (as he should), and then he tells his boys to SHUT UP. “Now.” must be some weird 2nd in command, wolfpack thing. but as soon as he says it, his boys are silent. no more teasing, not even any more snickering. he shut them down like no one else could have (except for, you know, the Alpha). i dont care what you say. that was hot. but maybe its just cuz i get off on a lil D/S action, and jake totally dominated (but not in THAT way, cuz then I’d be tres grossed out)

  • Sassysmart

    Plus 5 for Roses eyebrows as a newborn. The color sets off the red eye nicely.

    Plus 20 for TaytorTots ability to be Angry Alpaca throughout the entire film. He never broke character. Method.

    • Sj

      Yes, Tator’s growing in so many ways.

    • A million thumbs up for this!

    • Nope, I noticed it, too! I pointed it out to my cousin and she thought I was weird. Also, there’s a bit when Renee sits back where her bikini like, bunches and I’m pretty sure that if there wasn’t so much shadowing, we would’ve had a nip slip.
      Also 10 points for making Renee so sweet and lovable. Fanfic has tainted my view of her, since in most I’ve read she’s been horrible.

      • Oops, that was meant in reply to JacobEdwardsWife. I blame the fact that I’m doing this on my phone. I should learn from previous experiences how effing difficult it is to reply on my iPhone! #fail

        • Aaaaand by “JacobEdwardsWife” I mean TeamJacobEdward. Excuse my extreme f-cking #fail-ness this evening/morning. I’m going to bed. #igiveup

          • TeamJacobEdward

            LMAO! Hey I’m the one who confused things by changing my name from jacobedwardswife to teamjacobedward! I knew you meant me. And I have #phone fails like all. the. time. 🙂

            Hahaha! I didn’t notice the near nip sooo slip. I’ll have to watch for that next time I see the movie.

            Apart from the distracting underwear flash, I loved how lovable Renee was too. She was super sweet.

    • wants me some red skinned babies

      It’s just a bit sad that the best acting in the movie is done by someone who was going to be fired…

  • twigirl_world

    +100 points for Jasper’s sexy southern twang and the hotness of his human flashback. Cuz for a second there I was all, ‘Edward who?’

    • katiebird

      Actually, +300 points for that whole practice fight scene. Jackson totally rocked that scene….

    • Leto

      Jasper’s flashback was great! I had my own Brad-Pitt-in-Legends-of-the-fall flashback, ’cause they both looked so hot riding on horses… *sigh* +100
      But I have to give María and her whispering to Jasper’s ear a -50 just for being such a B*TCH!! I speak Spanish and that scene was too much for me, it was dirty talk all the way! Outrageous!
      I wanted to go “Get off him, he’s mine you vamp-ho!” and I will, as soon as I get the DVD.

      • Renee Broxton

        well what did she say: both in spanish and english? i’ve been trying to figure it out but i can’t hear her!

  • TeamJacobEdward

    While watching Eclipse the second time I noticed you could TOTALLY see Renee’s thong when she gets up to get Bella’s graduation gift.

    Am I the only one who noticed? Minus points for that.

    • Sj

      But surely bonus points for authentic costuming.

      • TeamSeth

        Indeed! Part of the North Florida charm! 😉

        • Sj

          Dear visitor from North Florida, TS was giving a compliment LTT style.

    • I saw it too! I ran for brain bleach instantly. Although it is a nice and subtle way of making the audience experience how mortifying it must have been for Bella to have Renée as a mother. Subtle filmmaking points: +5

    • Stacey

      The thong became a definte distraction. Because, as soon as I saw it the Thong Song started playing in my head. The rest of the scene came a little blurry at the point, because I expected Sisco to pop up for a cameo.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      oops. I commented on that before I read your comment.
      Well, it’s awesome awkwardness can be brought up twice.

    • Veronica

      OMG…I saw it too!! Since the first time – I thought it was just me, cuz nobody ever commented about it!!

      I give it a PLUS 20 tho. for being a one HOT MOMMA!! lol

  • JodieO

    Plus 10 for Emmett having his own hair. Minus 15 for that haircut.

    Minus 20 for you guys making fun of Bella’s wig, but not those crazy eyebrows that look like they were drawn on with a Sharpie.

    • JodieO

      Minus 50 for Victoria’s Raggedy Anne wig, minus 9000 for the recasting of Victoria. Rachelle wouldn’t have had to make all those weird snarly faces.

      • toooldforthis

        I had to look away in embarassment.

        I watched Twilight over the weekend and realized how much I miss Rachelle.

      • TeamSeth

        Plus when she talked to Riley, she would’ve delivered lines in that awesome patronizing voice “We led the humans east. You should be safe.” It’d be all, “Once you kill all of the Cullens for me, especially the human,” pause for the Rachelle Victoria stare, “We should be safe.”

    • eatmyjorts

      If it helps I have totally made fun of those. How did Backwoods Bella get Hollywood Eyebrows? And perma natural stylee eye make up? Does Charlie have a secret second career as a Beautician? That tash does look expertly styled.

      • JodieO

        If those are Hollywood eyebrows I’ll stick with my back woods ‘brows. Bella’s look totally solid. Like eyebrow stickers.

  • Victoria’s mannequin head minus 20. I laughed!

  • Can’t believe I like this shit

    Long time lurker-first time poster!

    UC, will you be doing a recap of the recap, NY Mag style?

    -100 Bella’s speech in the meadow at the end of Eclipse
    I know it was all Ms. Rosenberg’s doing, but really??? There is no way “Stutters with Wolves” would be able to get all the way through a monologue like that.

    • I like your name!!!

    • Luludee

      “Stutters with Wolves” <—– awesome

  • Sj

    Too much fun. So much fun I had to get another coffee just so I could snort it up & out my nose.

    Faker than my interest in RL: For The Love Of God why does this group of teens collectively own, what 2, 3 mobile phones max.? Sure Renee loses her phone charger but at LEAST SHE HAD ONE! This bothers me more than any dodgy vampire semen science. Minus so much more than I can count.

    Hmmm, Camo bedspread could set off an Eddie blanket nicely.

  • twigirl_world

    OH YEAH… +1000 for the sexy growl in the ravine from Emmett. If that poor man doesn’t get much screen time at least he has a sexy growl to make up for it!!

  • Stacey

    I pulled a “Rosalie” this weekend, on my husband in RL. So plus 15 for RL applications, but minus 20, for it not working in either case. Rosalie still had to go fight for Bella and my husband got out of going to party. So the winners were Bella and my husband, so I’ll just tack on another minus 10 for me being grumpy.

  • This post is all sorts of win! I almost choked on a Napoleon. Minus 10 points for almost killing me. Plus one million points for coming up with ‘cheese grater ring’. This will make me laugh out loud at random times until at least the end of the week.

    • what’s a Napoleon? Is that a man?

      • Stacey

        Oh that’s just dirty! Plus 1000, for just that comment. :0)

      • It’s a kind of lemon sweet – I thought it was universal, like, I dunno, Mentos. #foreignerfail

        Here ya go:

        • Stacey

          Those look yummy!

        • i wish it were a man- and no, never heard of that! #AmericanFail

          • Brooke Lockart

            Napoleons are yummy!! Think this is a #UCfail but a #fattywin for me.

          • TeamJacobEdward

            You’re not alone. I had no clue what it was either.

            (Of course I lived a sheltered life growing up in a small town about the size of Forks. Before getting a job in The Cities several years ago, I’d never heard of a lot of things… so my not knowing what that was either is probably worth very little.) 🙂

          • Alice_NaA

            @Brooke LMAO at #fattywin

          • #fattywin FTW!

    • The Old One

      With the cheese grater she also got a little chunk of Parmesan in a bag she can wear around her neck, in fond memory of the first date at La Bella Italia and the mushroom ravioli.

  • Stacey

    I’m just going to add some additional minus points for the graduation party and the use of the Muse song. I can see the Forks kids dancing to Kei$a or Lady Gaga instead. Maybe some Drake. They probably would discover DMB in college, when Mike Newton tries to seduce the ladies to going to second base with the song, Crush Me and wine coolers. DMB, helping college boys try to seduce girls since the 90’s. Muse not so much. You need some free styling sax to pull off that.

  • toooldforthis

    Minus 20 for the cheesy sound effect when Bella punched Jacob.

    What was that? Did they run out of money and just decide to have the gaffer slap his hand on the microphone?

    Both times I heard it, I laughed, for the wrong reasons.

    • coopercohennichol

      soooooo true….but i didn’t laugh when i saw it. i just hung my head for i was embarrassed and ashamed.

      • toooldforthis

        I spent the first year of my Twi-obsession being embarassed and ashamed.

        Now I’ve learned to just laugh at it (and myself).

  • Jamie

    Plus 10 for the wolfpack running out to greet Bella and their feet sounding like the pitter patter of a puppy herd. It made my day seeing/hearing that 🙂

    • The Old One

      Minus 50 for not hiring personal trainers for any of the wolfpack except Taytay. Why is he the only one that looks like he went through the “big change”? Those jiggly moobs and incipient paunches did not fit the bill, sorry.

      • TeamSeth

        Slow clap

      • Alice_NaA

        THANK YOU! Don’t these boys have any dignity???

  • Unashamed Twi-wife

    “Jake purring when Bella scratches his head Minus 3 because dogs don’t purr.”

    I have to disagree. My dog purrs. Swear to god, she really does purr. And it sounds just like Jake does in the movie.

  • ICanHandleIt

    minus 1000 for the way Jacob says “smoother” *gag*

    • *says real awkward like* smoother

  • eatmyjorts

    Oh, if I must 😉

    • eatmyjorts

      I just administered a swift reality check to myself with my own fist for this ending up here.
      It was a reply to a post up the page. Anyone guess which one?

      • DJTanner&theFullHouse

        I’m trying to figure it out, but I can’t seem to find the comment that ended in “so go lick honey off Taycob’s chest in the moonlight” so I’m not sure….

        • eatmyjorts

          You know me so well! It actually says ‘molten chocolate’ but you were near…

  • Michelle

    Missed you girls! BRILLIANT as always…so much more to say…but just back from CA vacation and have tons of work to do! 🙂 🙂

    PS – Totally NORMAL that all I could think of while in CA (even San Francisco area…) was…OMG I’m in the same STATE as Rob. Normal. Right?

  • blackgirltwihard

    Bell’s blue shirt and sunglasses took away vital seconds from my fashionlife that I will never get back. I will shut my eyes next time. – gazillion

    Rosalie saying ”I don’t particularly like you…” + 100 (still trying to get this as my ring tone for when my ex-hubby/babydaddy calls…)

    Bella’s butt shot (little shocked that you guys have not mentioned this) When she walks away from him in the opening “I gotta English final/curfew” scene, the camera goes in on her butt as she walks away. Are we supposed to see what Eddie is seeing? +10 cause I mean I didn’t think he had it in him, to look at a butt, I mean…

    Great Post!

    • “I don’t particularly like you” FTW! I think it out loud in my head every time I’m forced to talk to someone I don’t like. One day I will work up the balls to say this, out loud. Memorable!

      • Stacey

        I also said that to my husband this weekend. Who would have guessed that Rosalie would have so many RL applications. The scary thing is how easy it is for me to morph into her when I’m angry. If I decide to dye my hair blond and keep my eyebrows brown while stalking people in my wedding dress, you all have my permission to stage an intervention and/or have me committed.

        • Obava

          I’m sorry, honey- we’d just videotape it and upload it to the LTT YouTube channel 🙂

      • latuyacantante

        I got 4 thumbs down (so far) and only 1 thumbs up for using that Rosalie quote to describe my feelings for kstew on yesterdays “Switzerland” post. 🙁

        And @blackgirltwihard, LOVED your comment. The ringtone and ass thing- HILARIOUS!

    • ROFL! I too loved the way Nikki delivered that line while tilting her head slightly to the side. “I don’t particularly like you..” hahah that could actually be a great ringtone…!

  • purplescool

    Plus 1,000 for the end of the fight scene w/ Victoria (after Edward beheads her) where he stalks over to Bella w/o a word and rips part of the bottom of her shirt and uses it to tie her bleeding arm. He finally looked like a MAN in that scene.

    • You get plus 1000 points for this. Because it’s not in the book (Eclipse is my favorite in the series), it stands out in the movie…”Oh, WOW…she did it…she cut herself!” And then when he earns his Boy Scout First Aid badge with the shirt tearing/bandage making…oh yes, that is hot. H-O-T.

      Agreed. He looks like a man–a real man, for the first time in the series. You’re absolutely right.

      Dang, now I wanna go watch that again. Soon.

      • Although my first thought at the shirt ripping was “Dude, rip your own shirt! First, it’s the man thing to do, second, you don’t feel temperature, so there!” Imagine Jacob in New Moon pulling Bella’s shirt over her head to stop the bleeding… fail.

        • DJTanner&theFullHouse

          I can only dream that Jacob would have done that in New Moon – the whole series could have taken a major turn after that.

          Someone needs to start a fanfic that starts off there….

        • purplescool

          Yeah, I guess he should’ve ripped his own shirt, but I didn’t even think about that at the time. The whole interaction was hot – which is great b/c it shows that you don’t have to be explicit or show sex for something to be sensual/sexy.

    • Stacey

      I took the scene as either:

      A. See you wanted me to take your shirt off, now I am proceeding to rip your shirt.

      B. You just made out with wolfboy. Look at me in my manly way ripping your shirt. Who do you want to make out with now, little lady?

      C. This shirt was a present from Alice. She will absolutely kill me if I rip it or get it dirty. Your shirt Bella, on the other hand…

      Either way, Edward was looking mighty hot in that scene.

      • Thumbs up for Rob’s shirt comment. I freakin’ LOVED that thermal/whatever shirt on him. And that colour…dayuumm…that’s my favourite blue as of right now….Ugh and the way he had the sleeves rolled up his arms…*sigh*

        • purplescool

          AMEN! He looked really good in that color blue. +10 for the wardrobe people for putting him in that shirt.

      • blackgirltwihard

        @Stacy: YES!!!! ROTFL…he took a moment to exert his fashion frustration

    • superhumanmoron

      Maybe I’ve just seen the movie too many times, but you can totally tell there is a rip-away portion!

    • Luludee


      I know Edward is supposed to be 17 and all, but I love that Rob has filled out and looks like a man and not a 17 year old. There is a picture of him in a grey T as Edward, that I can’t find at the moment because I’m embarrassed to look for it at work and it is HAWT!!

  • toooldforthis

    Minus 200 points for Bella wearing flannel to seduce her boyfriend. So, you are going to spend the night alone with your virgin vampire boyfriend and you decide to wear…flannel? And then you wonder why he cockblocks you?

    Some advice sweetheart. Push-up bra and low-cut blouse.

    • Michelle

      This this! EXACTLY this! LOL!

      Thank you!!!!!!

  • Melissa

    Love this post!

    Minus 1000 for the close-ups in the movie – weren’t there just too many?

    Minus 1000 for too many scenes with the Newborns and not enough of the tent scene. The tent scene rocked it in the book but no so much in the movie.

    Why didn’t Jasper just calm all the Newborns down in the fight scene and then whack them? I’ve never understood that, even in the book.

    • The Old One

      Did I read somewhere David Slade used super-close-ups to edit out bad wig/hairlines?

    • wants me some red skinned babies

      That is so true! I never even thought of that…

  • OutOfF(l)avour

    bella instigating sexy times, and then edward telling bella to stop trying to take her clothes off – minus 50 points. I don’t care what decade he was born in (or how much vampire ‘pain’ he’s in), he’s still a 17 year old boy for crying out loud!

    Charlie (unknowingly) stepping between a sparring vampire and werewolf, like any repsonsible adult would do – plus 10 points. Actually, plus 100 points for this whole scene! I love that despite the fact that one is a 100+ year old vampire and one is a werewolf, this whole scene still manages to come across so teenage angsty.

    “Were Rosalie and Esme told they were going to prom instead of into battle? Their hair looks awfully fancy for an afternoon of kicking ass. Minus 2.”

    haha so true – but plus 10, cause although esme’s hair may have been out of place, i totally want to steal her style.

  • +100000 for Rob being able to pull all the right facial expressions during the tent scene. I f*cking fell in love with that man all over again when he said with that sexy smirk “If we weren’t natural enemies and you weren’t trying to steal my reason for existing, I might actually like you.”

    Oh and when Jacob goes “Look, I know she loves you” and Edward’s like “Good.” WIN!

    -1500 for giving Jacob all the witty one-liners AND the right make-up and those fitting t-shirts.

    -80 for Victoria’s cartoon-like death.

    Btw, did anyone else think it was hot when Victoria and Edward were struggling on the snow?

    +5000 for Edward’s black v-neck. *THUD*

    • I need to make a correction there. I sounded anti-Jacob in that comment of mine. I just meant that it’s not fair that they gave one of the main leads great lines, good make-up while depriving the other male lead from them.

    • Can’t believe I like this shit

      I totally agree on the Edward/Victoria/Riley fight scene.

      In Twilight, during the scene in Port Angeles when Edward is staring down the drunken frat boys, it played as HILARIOUS and not at all frightening. In Eclipse, it was frightening AND hot. PLUS 100 for Rob.

      However, Ms. Rosenberg, I’d fair to guess a MIND READER would have a significant edge in any altercation. Edward wouldn’t have lost to Carlisle in the clearing nor had so much difficulty with Victoria. So, MINUS 100.

      • Agreed!

        Btw, I love your name too, like UC said above.
        I tell myself this exact thing every day…hahahah..

      • Nelle

        You’re right. #Rosenberg fail! In the book Edward is totally in control- according to Bella he doesn’t even look messy. So I hate it that Mel makes it look like Bella saved him.

  • “Kids in Forks listen to John Mayer…”
    No you didn’t, UC. You just called those Spartans a bunch of d-bags. Awesome.

    We probably should’ve taken away points for Rosalie’s frosted pink lipstick. With those dark eyebrows, the mouth was disconcerting. So fake. But then maybe I’m just used to seeing black shit under Jenny Humphrey’s eyes, as well as her blood red lips, and therein lies my confusion????

    I’m confusing my angsty teen dramas here.

  • +50 for Jessica’s graduation speech. But -10 because this was clearly Summit’s not-too-subtle way of giving an oscar nominee enough screen time.

    +600 for Sia’s ‘My Love’ during the leghitch.
    -200 for putting ‘Heavy in your arms’ in the credits 🙁

    • Robsessedgirl

      I LOVE ‘HEAVY IN YOUR ARMS’! & ‘My Love’! The soundtrack was soooo kickass!

    • purplescool

      Yes, +50 for making Anna Kendrick give the graduation speech – she was so cute…but -40 for making Jessica valedictorian – WTF? In the book she doesn’t sound that bright – wouldn’t Eric Yorkie more likely be valedictorian?

      • Luludee

        THANK YOU!! In total agreement about Jessica as the valedictorian. -40 for shallow, jealous girl being the Valedictorian. She’s much more CosmoGirl and Seventeen magazine(s) than Calculus and Physics.

        Although, if having her as the V is a statement about the crumbling education system of America, then maybe that should be a +40.

      • Yes, great point! I remember one of the critic’s commented that, considering Edward and all the Cullens have a perfect GPA, and are all polite and well-mannered and have clean records, one of them should’ve been valedictorian. But then, I’ve little idea about American high schools so….

      • superhumanmoron

        Yes!! Yorkie is valedictorian in the book!

    • The Old One

      Since Eclipse was filmed Aug-Oct 2009, I don’t think they knew Anna Kendrick was Oscar-nominated yet. So plus 100 for recognizing great talent before the Oscar committee did.

      • Oops, fanfail! But yes, one of the best things Cathy Hardi did was choosing such an amazing cast and the best performance in the films so far have always been given by Anna Kendrick and Billy Burke..

        • The Old One


    • TeamSeth

      Yes about the Heavy in My Arms in credits! Grrr!!! At least we got to hear the whole song though…

    • Owning It

      I completely agree with the ‘Flo Fail’. I kept waiting to hear what is easily my favorite song on the soundtrack, and never heard it at all. When the credits started rolling, I guess I was too busy running after my husband, who was trying to quickly exit the theatre, undetected.

  • rpisthenewps

    I think Riley deserves a few points. Or maybe a few thousand points?

  • coopercohennichol

    -500 for showing bella’s a@@ as she walked away from edward in the meadow. it woulda worked if she actually had an a@@

    *side note* where i’m from we say “button down” shirt..this is the first i’m hearing “button up” but i’m sure that’s normal, right?

  • obava

    This post right here is why I love you. Pure brilliance in every bite.

    Oh, and the v-neck Ts? Those were all for Mountain Lion, each and every one 🙂

  • claire’s mommy


    I would.

    • claire’s mommy

      Ugh, comment fail.

      Bella almost freezes to death 7 hours before she’s outside without a coat? Right. Was she faking to get close to Jacob? Minus 4

      I would.

  • JustGoWithIt

    Bella rock cutting scene, minus for me since in the movie she was actually helping Edward, who was about to get his head pulled off by Victoria. I liked the book’s version better when she cuts herself and it doesn’t help at all because they were faking trouble, and they’re all “thanks Bella….. yeah”.

  • Amie

    Don’t forget Victoria’s wig!!!

    • JustGoWithIt

      Yes. I’m not going to split hairs with a cast change and compare or anything…okay I am just a little bit. Victoria #1 had moving soft sort of alive looking hair, totally worked. Bryce had stiff jelled looking hair that looked like it belonged on a china doll.

  • SagaDevotee

    “a miniature cheese grater ring ” Too much!!! that ring is a HUGE disappointment. wtf???

  • SagaDevotee

    -500 points for Edward being knocked down during fight training. Could NOT have happened. Although, it was TOO FUNNY. I loved it—- Jasper was way hot and cute in this one.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      THANK YOU! That bugged the crap out of me! Edward reads minds people, he dominates fighting. It bothered me with his practice fight with Jasper, but also with how much he struggled with Victoria…. Not to mention in NM with Felix in Italy. Bothered! 🙂

  • SagaDevotee

    OH OH OH! +500 for Rosalie’s expression as she remembers killing Royce. First she’s all smug and vengeful then her face falls and she’s all tortured. Perfect!

  • DJTanner&theFullHouse

    Minus 8 for Emmett NOT breaking into “Greased Lightning” before the battle, as he was clearly dressed as Danny Zucco in auto shop class with that black leather jacket.

    This battle is on-o-matic, won-o-matic, fighting-alongside-wolves-o-matic….why it’s a Greased Fighting!!!!!!!!!

    • Twi Mom (not like on “O”)

      I know don’t know you but I think I love you for this!! Grease is one of my favorite movies. I am just picturing the musical version of BD with Grease songs, and laughing. It could be epic!!! Jacob could sing “Hopelessly Devoted to You” before he runs away and I am sure we could find some way to have Alice sing a version of Beauty School Drop Out, but about Bella instead. I see a new project in the works along with the band (The Weeping Ovaries?) and the BIJ coffee table book.

      • DJTanner&theFullHouse

        Yes! And with Bill Condon directing BD, you know this is a definite possibility!

  • Cam

    +50 for Jacob’s tight black t-shirt during the school/motorcycle scene. Um, wow. Made me consider (for half a second) switching teams.

    • DJTanner&theFullHouse

      Exactly. Only served to solidify my team stance – and on behalf of all of us here on Team Jacob, we sincerely appreciate your consideration, no matter how brief, of joining us. We wish you the best in all your future endeavors!

      • Sj

        I hereby bequeath Team Jacob official spokespersonship on you. So eloquent!

    • operarose

      Uhm, it only made you “consider”? Please, you can be honest with us.

      This scene of course had nothing to do with me running out afterwards and buying my fiance 20 tight black t-shirts.

      • Cam

        Just like it had nothing to do with me “accidentally” shrinking my husband’s t-shirts. Pure coincidence.

        You Team Jacob ladies sure are welcoming!

    • TeamJacobEdward

      IKR? Hawt! When I first saw the sneak peek of the scene (I think it was during the Mtv Movie Awards) I texted my best twi friend “Okay, I’m so not switching teams & am still FIRMLY Team Edward, but you’ve gotta see this clip! Jacob is HAWT! Wow. Drooling a little.”

  • Ang

    “Bella uses a rock to cut herself in the forest. I find it hard to believe that a rock sitting on the forest floor would be sharp enough to cause that kind of blood flow. Minus 1.”

    I would find this hard to believe…but remember the damage done by a piece of paper in New Moon? I think she might have a coagulation disorder.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      Maybe Bella’s on coumadin

    • TeamSeth

      This could explain why she hates the smell of blood so much.

  • operarose

    Minus 25 points for “The Emperor’s Theme” from Star Wars playing every time Riley came on screen.

  • purplescool

    Minus 500 for the lame interpretation of the meadow scene at the end where Bella gives her little speech about how she wants to be part of Edward’s world and how it’s not all about him. WTF? The whole movie he’s pursuing her, she’s ambivilant towards him, then she kisses Jacob AFTER they’re engaged and in the end she can’t even throw him a bone and reassure him that he’s the one she can’t live without?! All she says is how she’s stumbled through her life and some such nonsense and now she knows she wants to be vamped up. The ending left me feeling empty…

    • The Old One

      I agree, that was just way off. I would rather have the scene in the book where Edward’s blue balls finally get a word in, and he says, basically, forget all the compromises, “I want you. Right now.” MM HMMM.

      • Heidi’sMom

        YES! That was one of my favorite scenes and I think it was more central to the story than Bella’s monologue. I also missed Jacob’s “I can’t compete with an eclipse.” Hello, context of the whole love triangle and title — all gone. Screenwriting FAIL, Ms. R.

      • purplescool

        I’m with you on that one….the book meadow scene was MUCH better, but they do have to keep it PG-13…

    • Can’t believe I like this shit

      So much WORD.
      My Rosenberg hatred grew 1000% that day…

  • Steph2k10

    ok, so heres what I’d like to add:

    -50,000 pts for that BUTTFUGLY green/white beanie that Bella wears during the tent scene… all that fking money to spend on wardrobe and they pick THAT BEANIE? You think Alice would REALLY let her wear that in public? hell to the NO!

    and was it just me, or did they fuck up when Edward met Jake at the treaty line to pass off Bella?…Jacob hugs Bella, Edward gets pissed and speeds away…passing right by them! (crossing the line?) FAIL. -2000 pts

    • Cam

      Amazing attention to detail. Didn’t even catch it. They might earn you Twi-nerd of the day!

    • The Old One

      I don’t know if I’m remembering right, but doesn’t he peel out and make a U-Turn and go back the same way he came?

      • Steph2k10

        Thats what I thought too but then I watched it again. He DOES peel out, but he DOES NOT make a U turn…

    • TeamJacobEdward

      They must have let Kristen pick it out. She got Rob’s opinion and ended up with that. #Fail for letting cast have costume creativity freedom.

    • SagaDevotee

      I TOTALLY agree– that beanie hat was HIDEOUS! BUT, you gotta admit, if it’s between that and her fight training “hair” …. oy!

  • snowwhitedrifted

    Playfull and rompy MeadowWard +50
    Music cue at the Jacob parking lot scene +35
    Alice’s cute headdband/ bow at the graduation party+10
    Purple meadow flowers +10
    Bella’s speech at the end -50 (Note it IS about him, not the lifestyle. #STFU)
    Renee’s thong shot when she gets out of the chair-10 (female viewers) +10 (male viewers)

    *Note-Renee’s hat is now sold at Target.. and probably the thong too.

    • Twi Mom (not like on “O”)

      I thought maybe they borrowed the hat from Brett Michael’s VH-1 show “Rock of Love”. That was all I could think of when I saw it.

      So -10 for geting fasion ideas from an 80’s Hair band guy trying to pick up strippers on national TV. -10 for the thong song shot.

      Let me see what else: +100 for Jasper taking charge during training. I am very quickly becoming Team Jacksper.

      I could go on but I must get back to work.

  • Robsessedgirl

    Ok right now i could go off on how much I loved the movie but I won’t. Just the basics, ‘course:

    -a trillion for replacing Rachelle, Bryce is only famous because of her dad, and nepotism is not attractive or cool. AT ALL. I miss Rachelle so effing much.

    +50 for leg hitch

    +a gazillion for Rob being even hotter in this installment(if that’s even possible)

    -40 for Rosalie’s weird ass makeup. Girrrrl, have you even heard of brow tint? Or non-frosty lipstick? You’re supposed to be the most beautful girl in the world, surely you’ve heard of Sephora and how they can help you with your girly needs.

    +1000 for Jacksper just being awesome/sexy in general. He and Alice made me tear up when they kissed and he said “I didn’t know there was another way(to love) until I found Alice, she’d seen my comin’ of course, I don’t know what I’d become without her”. <3 just <3! Jasper is my second fave Cullen boy, tied with Emmett but possibly marginally my love for him is bigger than my love for Emmett.

    + a million for Rob's karate pants in the battle training scene. LOVE THEM(I'm lookin' at my LTR buddy, @robsfuturemate here)

    +a million trillion gazillion for Rob in general and in the movie. I can't explain my love for him in words.

    -2000 for Peter/Carlisle having a weird accent. Did anyone notice how he went British/Southern sometimes? Especially when he said "Someone's creatin' an arrrrrmmyyy"I love Carlisle but Peter is getting too big for his britches. YOU ARE NOT ROB BITCH, LET ME REPEAT YOU ARE NOT ROB, so don't get a big head(don't attack me I like Peter and Carlisle is amazing)

    +100 for Taycob getting better in this installment. He is really Jacob in my eyes now.

    last one, +200 for whoever did Kristen's makeup, it looked great. Especially her eyes, I'd love to know what mascara she used.

    Eclipse was my favorite book in the series and my favorite movie so far. :D<3

    • This shit rocks

      HaHa, had to google Sephora, something for her ‘girly needs’, wasn’t too sure I wanted to know.

      And will have to watch it again to catch the Carlisle accent…didn’t notice it.

  • TeamSeth

    May have been said, but in the Florida sequence +50 for Bella’s scars from the 18th birthday incident stitches being in place on her right arm. -10 for them being a little too intense for how old they are and how rockin’ a doctor Carlisle is supposed to be (and should minimize the scarring…)

    And, wait, is Beller supposed to be looking out at the St John’s River? I always thought it was supposed to be the ocean? Either way, this native Floridian who spent many a summer at her gma’s in Jax Beach says -10 for it not looking like Florida, and esp not Jacksonville. Agreed on the +whatever for Renee dressing SO Florida. (though is she rocking the same shirt from the first film?)

    -14 for Bella not telling her mother that she loved her as the last thing that she thinks she’ll say to her ever (as a human at least). Their relationship was not painted as Bella being unable to tell her mom that she loves her. And whenever I know I’m doing something super dangerous, I tell my mom I love her, I think that Bella would’ve too.

    +100 for Jake’s bedroom having a handpainted picture of La Push’s First Beach on the wall (seen to her right our left when the camera is looking at Bella when she stands by the door). It is in the details!

    -7 for there being more students graduating in Forks than actually could realistically go to Forks High School if Forks has 3,145 people in it.

    +9 for Charlie’s standing-O at Bella grabbing her diploma.
    +2 for the kids walking across the stage actually being done in a real way (way too fast), not an over dramatized moment where the characters look out on the audience with a sense of accomplishment and elongated acting.

    +3 for DSlade using the same road that Bella drives on in the beginning of NM (consistency hooray!)

    +2 for the Sol Duc river actually being the size of the real Sol Duc river.

    +1 for Bella wearing the same gray sweater jacket thing she wears in Twilight (see diner scene where Newton’s “flagging her” and her and Charlie are “gonna talk about boys?” “Guess not.”)

    +2 for Charlie saying “Get some distance” and “spend time with your other friends” just like my parents did when I was 18 dating some possessive, manipulative jerk.

    -5 for Renee using magnets and not satellites for her metaphor. This bothered me enough to buy a Bothered shirt from LTT store. Magnets repel…that’s the point made in the book! Or they snap together and can’t be pulled apart (which would be fine to use to describe E&B, but isn’t how she uses it!)

    Um, time to stop and go back to working. This is super addictive.

    • The Old One

      +17.35 for awarding points in non-multiples of 5 or 10, TS.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      “-7 for there being more students graduating in Forks than actually could realistically go to Forks High School if Forks has 3,145 people in it”

      TRUTH! I thought that looked like a lot of kids too. I actually grew up in a town that had about 3,000 people in it. We had about 100 kids per grad class give or take about 20 people.

      ALSO -20 points for Jessica being Valedictorian. According to Midnight Sun, the Cullens have perfect 4.0s, never a wrong answer… wait they missed like 6 months of school in NM. Scratch that. Missing 6 months would have given a hit to their GPA s. I’ll shut up now.

      • Alice_NaA

        I also still don’t understand why a little rainy depressing town like Forks, population 3000, attracts so many immigrants. Great science program? Harry Clearwater’s famous Fish fry?

        • TeamJacobEdward

          Gotta be the fish fry.

    • ForEveralurker

      +1000 for having either sharp memory (Twi-nerd of the day award) or already owning the dvd

    • JustGoWithIt

      Magnets, snap together and can’t be pulled apart, thank you, that was hilarious. Good visual. I agree, wrong wording to use, why not stick with satellites? Plus, more tension would have been present if she pushed the issue a little more. Those kind of scenes are some of my favorite parts of the books, being a forbidden love kind of story. I like when Charlie firsts meets immortal Bella and Rensemee for the first time. You can’t rush through those, or there is no tension.

      • JustGoWithIt

        Like I rushed and misspelled that comment. Hubby walked in the room and I hit submit to avoid being caught.

  • Can’t believe I like this shit

    MINUS 10 Reality Points
    Does Bella smile ONCE in Edward’s presence? Not that she should spend the entire book/movie grinning from ear-to-ear like a Robsessed moron, but wouldn’t a small smile occasionally be appropriate?
    It’s frustrating as a viewer/reader to bear with Bella using 125 different adjectives to describe Edward’s physical attributes throughout Twilight, suffer with her when she loses said Adonis in New Moon, for Bella to turn around and act like a Team Jacob sour puss during Eclipse.

    • TeamSeth

      I remember a lot more smiling in this movie. Especially during the proposal.

      • Ang

        There was definitely smiling…and I’m not just talking about myself. Bella smiled a lot!

    • Nelle

      No- Bella doesn’t smile enough when she’s with Edward. Hale- I smiled every time he was onscreen. Was hoping my husband didn’t see that silly grin on my face!

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