Eclipse Reality Index

Dear Eclipse,

My dear friends @Too_Far_Gone & @lula34 and I LOVE Gossip Girl. That means that every Tuesday, after the latest episode Monday night, we share blog posts we found and stories from the episode the night before. And, of course, lusty videos of Chuck Bass. One of our favorite weekly routines is reading The New York Mag’s Gossip Girl Reality Index where they rate the “realness” or “Fakeness” of an episode & arbitrarily assign points. The 3 of us did this for Remember Me and we’re doing it today for Eclipse. Let’s see how real Eclipse really is!

Realer than Jacob’s vivid tent fantasies that Edward obvious knows about and later uses on Bella because they were pretty damn good ideas. In yo’ face, Jake:

Edward tries to distract Bella from studying from her English final – typical horny male behavior. Plus 5

Vitamin R in the afternoon! It’s happy hour at the Swan house! Plus 3

Sex talk between father & daughter just as awkward as one would expect, even though the father is the coolest & has a rockin’ stache’ Plus 7, but “Dad, I’m a virgin” and she’s dating THAT HOT PIECE? Minus 7, because that’s just not fair.

Jacob’s Cheshire cat smile when Bella hops on the bike with him. I don’t even want to KNOW what kind of thoughts Edward overheard after that. Plus 4

Wonder why Bella has no style sense...

Renee’s white trash outfit at the beach- so Florida plus 3

Chief Black wearing a cowboy hat as a replacement headdress. SWEET. Plus 2

The “let’s sit around the campfire and tell wolf pack/3rd wife stories” scene is just as boring on screen as it is in the book. The upside? It’s the perfect time to go potty and grab a pack of peanut M&Ms. Plus 3

Rosalie THROWS the paper across the room before stalking out to the porch, remaining just in sight of everyone in the living room. Plus 5, because I’ve pulled this move at least once in every fight I’ve had in the past 6 months. A proper bitchy departure takes practice.

Rosalie’s attitude and general hatred of Bella – very realistic, possibly because Nikki actually hates Kristen in real life? Either Plus 3 for Art imitating Life, or for excellent acting on Nikki’s part.

Leah’s bitchy attitude towards Bella when she stops over to see Sam & Emily, plus 8, because the girl has to hear Jacob’s very vivid thoughts about her. And unless Leah’s a closeted lesbian…. no girl wants to hear that….

My boobs look great in yellow

Having Anna Kendrick’s Jessica be the Valedictorian of their graduating class, giving that awesome speech so that her mere screen presence could class up the joint? As real as the hair on her head. And probably only her head, because everyone else in that cast wearing a wig. (Also, we needed her presence desperately, even for only a few minutes, because Michael Sheen wasn’t in Eclipse. Sad.) Plus 23

Edward proposing with a miniature cheese grater ring (approved by Stephenie Meyer, TM) and giving Bella blue balls, all in the same night? Yep, that’s totally Eclipse. Plus 38 but minus 12 for my blue balls

Everyone at the graduation party is in cute dresses and heels… Bella shows up in a blue chambray button-up and jeans. Plus 3 for realistic costumes, Minus 1 for the chambray shirt.

Jacob tells Bella she’ll warm up faster if she’s naked. Plus 30 for the attempt

Victoria uses her boobs and other ASSets to make Riley do what she wants. How else does a woman get what she wants from a man? Plus 8.

While showing the wolves how to throw down against an army of newborn vamps, Jasper whoops the asses all of his family members. Except for Alice. Because she is badass. But she kisses him anyway. Because that is who she is and that is why we love her the most. Plus 17

Anyone spot the vampire in the 3 piece suit and wool overcoat? Riley doesn’t discriminate when it comes to making newborns! Plus 4 for anti-discrimination.

Jacob has a camo-bedspread. Plus 35, because it’s all in the details.

Points= 181

See what’s fake after the jump!

Faker than the Wig Department’s cosmetology degrees:

Minus 12 for this picture. Cuz it's weird...

Minus 7 for Jacob’s letter having ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS scratched out. He might has well have written “Do you want to be my wolf lover? Circle Yes / No” at the bottom.

Minus 1 Mike’s highlights. He looks like a rejected NSYNC member.

Bella’s wig. DAMN. Minus 5 million

What’s up with all the v-neck tshirts on Edward? Does he think that chest hair peeking out is going to send Bella into a hormone-fueled tizzy? Minus 3. (Or maybe that is why he’s wearing it… the chest hair keeps her away? In that case, Plus 4.)

Bella’s staring off into the river – so unrealistic. As an 18-year old, the only reason you’re staring out into the water like that is if you’re on your 4th beer. Minus 5.

Flannel button-ups, waffle-knit shirts, parkas, and knit caps pulled over our ears bring all the chiseled vampires & hot wolves to the yard. Yeaaaaaaaah. (Shit, even Mike wants Bella’s Seattle grunge, circa 1991-look steeze. WHY? Meanwhile, Jessica’s incredible boobs are getting no love? Please. That’s depressing.) Minus 12

When Jacob goes to Forks High, he stands in the parking lot all aloof, and EVERYONE GIVES HIM THE COLD SHOULDER. I’m sorry, but if that piece of meat was in MY high school parking lot, I would have been chatting him up hardcore, not giving him the stink eye. Minus 12

What is up with men revealing their feelings in this movie? It didn’t seem so unrealistic in the book but onscreen, it’s overwhelming. Everywhere you turn, there’s a guy telling Bella how much he loves her, and why life with him would be better, and using crazy metaphors to describe his love for her. DAVID SLADE, you of all people should know, that men do NOT reveal their feelings like that. So please stop getting up the hopes of 13-year-old girls everywhere. Minus 15.

Those ridiculous sunglasses Bella dons while visiting Renee’ in Florida. Hell to the no. Alice would’ve, at the very least, loaned her a pair of Marc Jacobs or Chanel black frames. Those things on her face came from Dollar General. We all know it. And it’s unacceptable. Minus 6

Bella punches Jacob, instead of slapping him, which is the default female-assaulting-male technique. Minus 5 She breaks her hand. I laugh. Plus 2

Jessica’s graduation speech? Totally written by a presidential speech writer. Minus 2.

Angela & Jess leave Bella to go dance to a song they “love” at the graduation party? False. They’ve never heard that song. Kids in Forks listen to John Mayer, DMB & Debussy. Minus 4

And then... I murdered the person who use to do my eyebrows...

“The Volturi don’t give second chances.” Do the Volturi also not allow tweezing one’s eyebrows??? Minus 2. Also Minus 2 for Rosalie’s DARK BROWN (yet beautifully sculpted) eyebrows. Are we saying the make-up department is without cosmetology degrees to? If so, Minus 3.

Edward asks, “Is [the wrought-iron bed] too much?” YES. YES IT IS. Minus 1.

Jake purring when Bella scratches his head Minus 3 because dogs don’t purr.

Various displays of bromancing in the tent scene. Everyone is into sharing their feelings. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. Minus 20. In real life, Edward and Jacob would have muttered 8 words to each other the entire night, probably something to the effect of “Make sure that f*cking zipper door is closed.”

Bella almost freezes to death 7 hours before she’s outside without a coat? Right. Was she faking to get close to Jacob? Minus 4

Were Rosalie and Esme told they were going to prom instead of into battle? Their hair looks awfully fancy for an afternoon of kicking ass. Minus 2.

I knew if I brushed my hair you'd give me a cheese grater ring

Bella uses a rock to cut herself in the forest. I find it hard to believe that a rock sitting on the forest floor would be sharp enough to cause that kind of blood flow. Minus 1.

Bella taking the time to put on a nice knit sweater and running a curling iron in her hair? Just in case her boyfriend happens to make the engagement official? Right. Minus 12

Points= – 5,000,116

Reality Total -4,999,934


YOUR TURN! Join the fun & fill in what we missed in the real vs fake Eclipse moments in the comments. And don’t forget to assign random point values!

Thanks to Lion & Lamb Love for the pictures!

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  • The Old One

    Doh! Now I see UC started it.

    • The Old One

      That was in response to TeamSeth. Darn jumpy slippery comment box!

      • TeamSeth

        Mine’s slippery too (twss), I thought maybe it was just my server. Anyway, I didn’t know if you were making fun of me or not, since I was just mimicking UC’s system (as I’ve never done the actual rating system before), but now it seems you were not making fun. And to reply to your below comment, I agree on the visual of it. I liked that he took C-Dubs initial visual and built off of it.

  • The Old One

    OK, subtract however many points for the shattering china sound effect of the vampires’ limbs breaking off like you’ve dropped a plate whilst washing dishes. In the book, it’s described either like boulders colliding or kind of a metallic ripping sound.
    Plus points for how the torn-off stumps of vampire arms or necks looked visually, like broken ice sculptures. Some thought it looked like styrofoam, but I thought it was well-done.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      I loved the broken ice look too! Kind of reminded me of geodes.

  • Pfluffy

    Reality is that the temperature on the sound stage set of the snowy mountain tent scene was probably a comfortable 72 degrees Fahrenheit, but I think we were suppose to believe it was much colder – snowy winter storm night before, top of a mountain, early morning… At least when Bella stepped out of the tent with no coat, no hat, no gloves after nearly freezing her ass off the night before, she could have at least gave us a little bit of shiver – I guess just a missed detail in a list of others.

  • Rob’s flaming dashboard

    Jessica’s boobs look great in yellow. THIS.

    But Robward should always wear V-neck shirts. The hint of happy trail as a long and winding road…

  • wants me some red skinned babies

    -100 points for Jessica being valedictorian. Does everyone forget that she was never the brightest bulb in the Janitor’s closet? There’s no way she’s smarter than Bella or even Mike probably. +50 for her awesome speech though.

    • wants me some red skinned babies

      Oh yeah and not to mention the Cullens have done high school dozens of times…

  • TeamJacobEdward

    Riley being tossed around by Sethwolf -80 points. Riley looked sooo cheesy.

    Oh and COMPLETELY obvious Green Screen behind Victoria on the mountain. It was bad. Really bad. Made even worse by BDH’s bad expressions and acting.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      Whoops. -300 points for the awful green screen. Yeah, I thought it was that bad.

  • Alice_NaA

    -10 points for Edward saying: “What are you doing outside?”, when Bella arrives at the Cullens place. How is Bella supposed to arrive at his place without stepping out of her car…Am I missing something here?
    This was just the weirdest line of the entire movie.

    Ohh and Clair de Lune? Again? Dude should have discovered a lot more music in a century… (I almost spelled this as Claire the lune, I blame your sucky pronounciation Stewy :p)

    • Pfluffy

      I think she was suppose to be hesitating outside a bit, perhaps contemplating the moves she was going to make on him, but it didn’t come across very good. I thought the whole beginning of this scene was a little awkward – in the book he couldn’t hardly keep his lips off her when brought her into the house.

      • ForEveralurker

        Yes! now that you mention it, there is always something with Rob and kristen when they are handling intimate scenes, they seem to hold back or is it the Pg -13 thing? compare that to all Rob’s intimate movie scenes with other actors. either there is an anxiety of trying not displaying too much for fear of giving viewers to much reality show or its the Pg -13 either way, I sometimes feel embarrassed for them and watch between fingers for the first viewing

        And Oh
        + 100,000 Edward giving his all at the proposal scene
        +Bella having great chemistry with Renee ( never thought they would pull of mother and daughter so well)
        – 200 Dlsade with his gazillion close-ups without which the leg hitch would have been more defined.
        + 50000 for Dslade bringing out some good performance from most of the actors esp Rob

        • ForEveralurker

          I sound drunk in that comment – pls overlook all the errors

    • Robnmydreams

      LMAO Claire the lune!!!

    • TeamSeth

      What?! No, +a million for Debussy!!!! Clair de Lune is great.

  • ImprintonMe

    long time lurker. first time poster 🙂

    “Chief Black wearing a cowboy hat as a replacement headdress. SWEET. Plus 2”

    Chief Black wearing the satchel around his neck with the “cold one” ashes +20

    Not explaining what the heck it was -30

    • TeamSeth

      Wow! You’re hardcore!

      • ImprintonMe

        heh. if you say so. I didn’t notice half the stuff in the movie that everyone is talking about… so maybe not 🙂

    • Its no irritable grizzly…

      + 50 for the hotness of Charlie when having the “sex talk”

  • Nelle

    UC — “Miniature cheese grater ring”! LMAO. I’m a big jewelry lover so totes offended by that ring. Even the copies they’re selling online look better. And my husband laughed when I read him that. For turning him into a Unicorn and an LTT fan – +1,000 points!!

  • AJ

    I thought you girls would love this. It’s about Kristen Stewart’s glorious mullet!

  • Robnmydreams

    Loved it and yes I also thought the sunglasses were a little cheesey and too her mom looked a little trashy!!! Omgosh yes the ring was FUGLY!!!!!! I know it is like what the book had but seriously, we are talking about EDWARD!!!!!! Princess cut antique platinum with small pave set diamonds on the sides!!! Hello that is so what was popular back in his day!!!! Ok so totally love the article and it was a good read and laugh!!! I need it!!!

  • kitkat

    -1000 to me for being a bad fan and only having seen the movie once, thus not being able to think of a single thing to contribute…

    • JustGoWithIt

      I saw it twice, once with friends, once with mom. When I was with my mom and it wasn’t opening week, I noticed quite a few people there alone. I think that is the way, unless you are going with another die hard fan. I found it a little self conscious watching with other people, although I enjoyed discussing after. Six of one half dozen of the other I guess.
      I wonder how many guys (and teen boys!) cashed in on an excellent opportunity, and went to see Twilight films on dates, and then was willing to discuss after.

  • Anne

    PRO – from a knitters perspective – LOVED Bella’s striped, knit hat from the mountain and tent scenes…
    +1000 for covering up that wig, if only for a little while

    • JustGoWithIt

      I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again now. The wigs were VERY distracting. Actually wig singular. Bella and the alternating hairline that either looked like Jersey Shore hair with poof or like someone used excessive force to flatten the top down. Alice’s hair looked wiggy, but it did throughout, so left continuity intact. I just think it would have looked better all the way through if it was her real hair done in that style.

  • This shit rocks

    -200 to all of us for judging this shit on how REAL it was. It’s about freakin vampires and werewolves for chrissake!

    That being said, +1000 to Stephenie Meyer for making me believe in sparkly vegetarian vampires, shapeshifters and werewolves. And that Edward has NEVER had a sexual urge, not even once in over one hundred years, until he met Bella. …Poor neglected limpy. And that Rosalie can’t stand to have her hair messed up…yet she’s a grease monkey, spending half her time under their cars. And oh-so-much more.

    +20 for the Wigs. Personally, I liked the wigs. It was like everyone had a furry little pet on their head… Maybe in the next movie, the wigs could have a few lines of their own…

  • Renie

    Wow, reality check number one from my perspective….if I was on the bed with “Mr. Handsome” I would have been trying a whole hell of a lot more things to get his clothes off. Minus 525,000 points.

  • elle

    Too funny! Can’t stop laughing!
    -5 for bella saying “jacob stay!” like she is talking to a dog, just before she kisses him!

    • latuyacantante

      I thought the same thing. too funny.

  • meagaloo

    jasper’s wierd almost lisp minus 6 points because he was so sexy otherwise.

    • latuyacantante

      I know right. He was talking like he had a pen stuck in one shide (I’m doing now too) of his mouth.

  • Its no irritable grizzly…

    When Charlie is talking to Rileys parents and Bella immedietley says “Do you know something about this?” “we’ve been tracking the situation in Seattle for a while….” NICE transition…NOT!! -80 points the subject wouldnt have came up like that

  • Its no irritable grizzly…

    plus a thousand for how hot Alice looked when the newborns where coming (all dressed in black)

  • Its no irritable grizzly…

    -5 bazillion that they did not include Bella cooking in the movies…ok so they NEVER eat in the house….???? wtf oh she drank tea w/ Alice in New Moon thats it…really?

  • Its no irritable grizzly…

    -900 for Bella’s outfit at the party…ok I get that she doesnt dress up often but if she can wear a dress in New Moon for her birthday?? WTF??? It looks totally wrong….she doesnt like to stand out THAT much!

  • theC

    Little late in posting a comment…..but this is THE funniest blog yet!!!! LOVED IT!

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