The Font writes a letter to the universe

Gone FIshin'While we do the “mans” job and Go Fishin’, The Font from the LTT Podcast does a girlie thing & writes an LTT

Oh hey there internet!

It’s The Font, your favorite Twi-misanthrope. So listen. Moon left the country or something. And because I am part of the LTT family, I am legally required to write some sort of letter. It’s true. It’s in the bylaws.

But here’s the thing internet. I really don’t like Twilight that much. I mean, I don’t know if you know this, but it’s pretty much for girls. Seri

SO! In honor of Moon’s vacation to wherever she is (Thailand? Rhode Island?), I am going to write a list of things that would make Twilight more awesome.

Let's not talk & just sparkle

1)  Vampire Hunters.

Think about it! How much more awesome would everything be if when Edward and Bella are whining about how sparkly they are or whatever, a bunch of dudes show up with flaming crossbows! And then Jacob has to choose between letting Edward get super-murdered and saving the man his favorite lady loves! Oh hey look! Actual conflict!

Or what if they killed one of Edward’s friends, and somehow Bella was responsible? Also, could you kill these guys if they’re trying to kill you? What is the moral code of a soulless vampire?

Hey look! Conflict again!

2)  Way More Murders.

Seriously.  Everyone survives these books. It is a VAMPIRE versus a WEREWOLF. And they are teenagers! With all the hormones! If I had super strength and/or crazy murderous killing powers at 16, and some vampire was trying to take my lady, shit would be ON like Donkey Kong!

And that’s not to say anything about all the killer vampires trying to murder Bella all the time. None of them were like, oh, why don’t I kill her parents and shake her shit up! Bella would probably be dumb enough to go to the funeral. Murder  central!

Now that's funny!

3)  More comedy.

No one says anything funny in any of this.  Think of a funny thing in these books. Seriously. I dare you. I mean, you can say funny things ABOUT Twilight. (Some might say you could write an entire blog about it.)  But like, couldn’t Jacob be funny?  I mean, there is some comedy in the fact that he is a werewolf, right?  Like, no one ever turned into a werewolf and messed with people just for kicks?  I mean, that would pretty much be the greatest locker room prank ever.

Okay listen.  I am sorry for making fun of the thing that you guys love.  I know I do it all the time.  But I had to write a letter!  They made me.  I still love you, internet.  Even if I am weirdly distant.

Seriously, don’t murder me.

The Font

The Font is so paranoid. So what do you think? Does he have some good suggestions? Or are they as lame as his paranoia? Obviously he doesn’t share our views- but what about the views of the guys in YOUR life!?

Please love Moon & think of her while she’s gone!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com Bella_NaA

    Awwwww The Font… you make me laugh.

    Actually, you’re a bit right about the killing. SOMEONE other than Irina should have died in the Breaking Dawn Volturi showdown. I may be a girl and like happy endings, but seriously… I mean… they brought the wives! The wiiiives!

    • http://notanaddikt.blogspot.com Bella_NaA

      Wow, this letter has been online for a full 25 minutes and I’m the only commenter? I think you may have stepped on some peopel’s toes, Font… sorry dude.

    • TheColdWoman

      Exactly my comment Bella! It was a little disappointing that no one died. (Who cares about Irina?)

      BUT since everyone is still alive, that means Stephenie can keep the Bella and Edward stories going! Cause, who needs Midnight Sun, that piece of trash…

      I do like the flaming crossbows idea The Font!

    • TeamSeth

      They did bring the wives. And all we heard about was Jane and Caius… and Jane’s twin, whatever his name is. Aro said a few deliciously fun to repeat in a Michael Sheen voice lines, and then deus ex machinanomaly from the amazon shows up. His name started with an N, Nelspruit? No. That’s a city. Anyway, the wives should’ve died. At least Marcus would’ve felt vindicated. Oh, and the Romanian dudes should’ve gotten their ruling status back. Because they were WAY cooler. Or at least a real competition could’ve gone down… like “Oh, Beller is alive and well after all, with a child. And not a vampire baby child. So, that’s settled. Shall we duel the Romanians now?” Caius’ mouth forms into a sinister grin and his eyes glisten with the onset of violence lurking in the imminent future. Then out the crowd of random vampires rushes the vampire hunters, masked under vampire scent all this time. Fiery crossbows in hand, though as we saw a simple match lights a vamp on fire like a Flaming Dr. Pepper, so the crossbows may be a little much.

      Okay. I’m getting too excited.

      And I want Jane to die. She’s so obnoxious.

      • Stacey

        Flaming Dr. Pepper! Ha ha!

        I also agree about Jane. I thought at least she should have gotten some kind of karmic beat down. Creepy little thing.

        • TeamSeth

          She is creepy.

          I also really want to see Dakota do a death scene.

      • Sj

        I’ll back Team Romanian Dudes.

  • Bea

    Hehe. The Unicorn-in-Denial husband really likes the idea of vampire hunters. Definately a sequel in the making after SM gets around to watching Buffy.

  • Robjunkie

    Font, this letter cracked my shit up. Twilight definitely needed some more comedy. I guess that’s why there are so many awesome and hilarious reviews, retellings, blogs, etc. about the series.

  • Goodgirl goneplaid

    (Some might say you could write an entire blog about it.) 
    Huh??

    P.S funny letter
    P.P.S Do you own any TypeTrumps? Cos they rock.

  • Goodgirl goneplaid

    (Some might say you could write an entire blog about it.) 
    Huh??

    P.S funny letter
    P.P.S Do you own any TypeTrumps? Cos they rock.

  • Goodgirl goneplaid

    (Some might say you could write an entire blog about it.) 
    Huh??

    P.S funny letter
    P.P.S Do you own any TypeTrumps? Cos they rock.

    • Goodgirl goneplaid

      *Facepalm*

      • Obava

        Haha GGGP- you win the “Spammer of the Day” award!

  • Sj

    Font – you have totally won me over by acknowledging Twilight is not a comedy. Maybe you are on your way to ‘getting it’ in which case you should get your hormone levels checked. Not that there’s anything to be paranoid about though.

  • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/d638e0d6b86e5d01ee06134a91414173?s=80 VoteMeIn

    The Font – You had me at Rhode Island! Great letter and ty for taking one for the man team. I know I’ve been forced to watch too many Star Trek episodes, but shouldn’t an alien species be added to the list? Can you imagine Vamps, Werewolves and the Jem’Hedar or a Klingon being added to the fight? Epic shiz right there!

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/d638e0d6b86e5d01ee06134a91414173?s=80 VoteMeIn

      Wow! I got a lame. Obvi you’re not thinking from a man’s pov, cause that’s all I heard while Mr Vote watched. “Do they have light sabers? Where’s the starship?” Or do you just really hate RI? Fess up!

    • chochang

      haha! i don’t know why u got thumbed down. i guess not a lot of LTT ladies are geeks.

      i, for one, consider myself a star wars geek. and for some time now, i was thinking how incredibly cool (or just incredibly geeky) it would be if someone made a story/fic that would be half twi and half star wars. like, i don’t know, vampire robots? or something like that.. it could be set in the future when humans will have invented blood-drinking robots and then enter the cullens who try to destroy these creatures ala jedi masters.. yada yada yada..

      i could be up to something here… lol.

      • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/d638e0d6b86e5d01ee06134a91414173?s=80 VoteMeIn

        Oh, yes! I love it and think you should write it. For realz. Reminds me of Fifefly in an awkward way.

    • TeamSeth

      I vote for the vampire hunters to join legion with Boba Fett.

    • Alice_NaA

      When we’re considering cameo’s, can the ‘man from another place’ also show up, maybe do a little jazz dance to break the ice?

      • TeamSeth

        This made me realize that Doctor Who’s tenth doctor (Tennant) needs to make an appearance… just land the TARDIS in the middle of the clearing and then look at both sides and go, “Vampires and werewolves–no, shapeshifters, no, werewolves, well, guess it doesn’t matter–Aren’t they a beauty!” then he’d see Aro and light up (as he does), “Michael Sheen! Oh, I loved you in The Queen. Course I know the real queen, and quite a few of the previous ones, but that’s neither here nor there. Oh, am I interrupting?” (okay, I seriously need to kick my Doctor Who habit)

        • Sj

          And K-9 could make a comeback and robotic wee on Jane.

        • LoveSpelledBackwards

          I love me some old Adric episodes… and Tom Baker. The Adric/vampiresque was always one of my favs. Ah, Seth, why did you open the Doctor Who door?

        • cledbo

          No one should ever kick a Doctor Who habit once it has taken hold, TS.

          The Doctor Donna 4 eva

          Also, your one line of Tennant-esque dialogue = Brilliant! (super emphasis on the r, hehehe)

  • Obava

    Dear The Font-

    You know what? I totes agree with you.

    And “super-murdered”? Bwahahahaaaa!!!

    xo obava

    • Jessica

      I was totes gonna comment on the ‘super-murdered’ thing!!! LMAO!! This letter rocks!

  • BayWolf

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    This letter just cracked me up!!!!

    Murder central! … LMAO !!!!

    Oh and 1) = You so nailed it!! That is exactly what I’ve been missing – and didn’t even know it!!

    <3

  • http://www.twitter.com/cledbo cledbo

    You said on like Donkey Kong.

    I think I may love you.

    Also, vampire hunters equals exactly what I was thinking for all of my first reading of Twilight. Where the hell is the monster hunting fraternity in all of this, really? Because those crazies truly to exist IRL, like, right now, so it’s not a huge leap to put them into a fictional book (like a super-hot teenage male driving a Volvo, or a super-hot teenage girl wearing red pleather pants….)

  • http://www.twitter.com/antisocialangel fangbanger

    HAHAH! Vampyre hunters! Yay!

    I think Twi would have been better if Bella was a vampy hunter and Edward was her target. THEN THEY FELL IN LOVE.

    Is that what happens in Buffy? I have no idea…

    When a letter ends with “don’t murder me”; I worry about the author.

    Have you been receiving death threats?

  • SarahG

    Flaming bows FTW!

    That picture of Tay&Rob is confusing me. I don’t know whether to be turned on or grossed out.

    • theseviolentdelights

      “I don’t know whether to be turned on or grossed out.”

      I think a little of both.

  • shleeeigh

    What do you mean more comedy? You saw Twilight right?? Buttcrack Santa was a comedy genius…

  • The Old One

    Great letter, Mr. Font.
    I disagree that there’s no comedy in the series. Have you read Breaking Dawn? Stephenie obviously was getting a little tired of her characters, thus the blonde jokes, the Jacob POV, and she’s really making fun of Alice when she has her dress Bella in a cocktail dress and heels for her big awakening. Also, have you read Midnight Sun (I know, who would want to, right?)? Maybe it’s too subtle, but it pokes fun at Edward the way he’s kind of clueless all the time, the way he wants to murder Mike Newton, the way he hates Bella’s frumpy sweater. OK, maybe it’s not Comedy Central, but it IS funny.

    • TeamSeth

      My cousin had a frumpy sweater, it’s not funny, you know.

      • Ang

        No, it’s not funny. And apparently not all girls like to shop either. hehe

        • TeamSeth

          Are you trying to draw a parallel between frumpy sweaters and consumerism? Don’t be so pleased with your like self-reverential cleverness!

          • Ang

            Ah…Jessica. Best.human.ever.

  • Janetrigs

    Keeping up with REAL Book Reccomendations, that I have decided is this week’s LTT underlying theme, and to agree with the Font that vampire hunters are always a great ingredient to add actual conflict, I give you my book rec for a Non YA series by Jeaniene Frost, called the Night Huntress series.

    In this series, all the titles have the word “Grave” in them. The lead character is a half human/half vampire gin drinking bad ass chick (think devil baby Renesesme all growned up) who yes, hunts and kills vamps using her feminine ways. There is actually a whole hell of a lot of sexy times in this series too, in fact entirely too much for my taste, but for you Fanfic readers, this may be an easy real book series for you to start with. And yes, there is a Hot broading vampire man for you to drool over.

    So go read now, GO. The 1st book in the series is called: “HALFWAY TO THE GRAVE”.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      You had me @ “gin drinking bad ass”.

      *adds to tangible book list

      • Stacey

        Yum gin! That book recommendation has now inspired a vacation cocktail.

  • dameironfury

    I love your ideas, Font!

    I think you should write and film your own version of Twi. It would rock!

  • snowwhitedrifted

    I’m with you font.
    How do teens with superpowers not F with people on a daily basis? For starters, amaze the high school kiddos by reenacting all seasons of Jack-ass.

    • kitkat

      Your comment about teens with super powers made me think of Danny Phantom, one of my all-time fave nick shows. He was never above using his ghost powers to make the “cool” kids look dumb. *not ashamed of child-like geekiness*

  • halogen

    I agree about comedy and also about teasing or flirting, like I can totally imagine at some point, when they are kind of OK with their relationship, Edward calling Bella “Hello Delicious!” and Bella calling him back “Hey Frigidaire!” That would be fun!

    • Robsessedgirl

      FRIGIDAIRE FTW!

      • halogen

        Don’t you think? Wouldn’t they have weird little funny things for each other? I like imagining them!

        • Robsessedgirl

          We should come up with a list of awesome nicknames!

          • halogen

            Ok, let’s make a list!
            Edward to Bella: What’s up Human Moment?
            Come over here trip-a-lot, we need to talk!

            Bella to Edward: Hey Lurky! (cause he lurks in the corners of her room, see)
            No way, McDazzle, I am not getting out of this car until you tell me what’s going on…

            Now you go!

  • Robsessedgirl

    I have been trying RELENTLESSLY to make my friend Ray(or Raymondino as I call him) a unicorn. He won’t bite.(no pun intended ok sorta) All he ever says is “Edward isn’t a real vampire” and “Edward? You mean Cedric?”. I even tried to get him on this website, no such luck. Any tips ladies? OOH the next time he’s on FB chat I’ll tell him I namedropped him then he’ll come here, maybe even leave a comment! :D

    • Robsessedgirl

      update: he got mad when he found out I namedropped him here! I’m #sadpanda now.

      • TeamSeth

        :( #hugs

        • Robsessedgirl

          Thanks :D I needed that. *hugs back* men can be bitches sometimes. sometimes I think they have their own personal time of the month.

  • lapushbaby

    Having just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the 2nd time…..I must say that more deaths definitely makes for an intense read. I kept having to put the book down because I was crying-no SOBBING- and couldn’t see the pages. No lie.

    I never thought of vampire hunters before, but some kind of threat the the Cullen’s lifestyle, other than ‘We look too young to live here anymore’ might have made for some interesting side story. That might have even made the series longer, which I am sure no one here would complain about!

  • lunaazure

    Hey everyone. I’m a recent lurker and big time fan of the Font’s ever since I listened to the podcasts and followed his tweets during the Eclipse premier (oh, wait…I mean Leghitch 2010).

    You all are so much fun here. It’s refreshing after stumbling upon some of the drama out there.

  • Stacey

    Hmm…I like the idea of extra carnage, Font. Vampire Hunters always add to the fun. Maybe he can try to take out both Edward & Jacob, then they have to join forces to try to escape in the woods. Add in some comedy, and you’ve got an action buddy cop flick. Now just switch Rob and Taylor for Owen Wilson and Chris Tucker. It will be a hit!

    Or since you love Star Trek or is it Star Wars? Star something. Let’s remake the end of New Moon! When Bella meets the Volturi, Aro announces,”Beller, you are my daughter.”

    He’ll still want to eat her, but at least he’ll feel bad about it!

    • lapushbaby

      And Caius will say, “Make it so.”

      • TeamSeth

        win.

    • BayWolf

      Love it! ;-)

  • FacePunch

    Ha! Don’t worry about making fun of Twilight *here!* It maybe has sorta-kinda happened on this blog before….

    Like the Vampire Hunters idea. They could extend the franchise and make a Breaking Dawn part III. Anyone?

    Oh, and that “Screw Bella” pic SO got right-clicked and saved.

    • cledbo

      I’m still holding out for a Stargate style move to TV for Twi – think of it, the potential for recasting, fixing a whole MESS of problems we laugh at on a daily basis, and infinite possibilities.

      Hey Startgate went for 11 seasons, there’s money in this idea I’m telling you!

      (I totally wrote a letter about this too, waiting for Moonie and U to the C to take my idea and go crazyballs with it, as they do so very very well)

      • FacePunch

        That’s a great idea, and one that I’m sure Summit or Meyer has seriously considered. I would be baffled if they didn’t!

        I don’t think anyone involved wants to see this money train end….

        And yes, Moon and UC would have a field day with it… maybe someone higher up will see this and make them producers. :)

  • MichaelSheenisaDILF

    Ah yes, all valid points Mr. Font. When I feel the yen for some violence, comedy and/or tension with my Vampire story, I just watch True Blood.
    It has the whole “tortured vampire who wants to do good falls in love with juicy human” thing but it also has lots of other goodies.

    Murders: Check
    Vampire Hunters: Check
    Comic relief: Check (Jason, Lafayette, Andy, Arlene, Terry)
    Werewolves and vampires in bloody fights: Check
    Pornographic scenes for all sexual orientations: Check
    Self-awareness of its campiness: Check (I think)
    Bad-ass girl fight: Check

    If only Michael Sheen had a role (perhaps playing Russell Edgington?) I would die of over-stimulation.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      If only Michael Sheen had a role (perhaps playing Russell Edgington?) I would die of over-stimulation.

      YES!

      I’m with you on all points. C’mon I’ll buy you a drink @ Lou Pines.

  • TeamJacobEdward

    Hey Font, have you seen the preview for the Twilight parody movie, “Vampires Suck”? I think it’ll be more your thing. My husband, upon seeing the preview, laughed and said, “now THAT is a vampire movie I would be willing to see.”

    From what I can tell, they took Twilight and New Moon movies and poked fun at them (I’m thinking something akin to “Scary Movie”). One part of the preview shows “Jacob” turn into a teeny tiny dog instead of a huge wolf.

    Something to look into.

    (sorry if someone already mentioned this, i didn’t go through the comments yet)

    • Midnight_Cyn

      First off, hello everyone! :) Second hello Mr.? Font! I have been away for quite a while and so I don’t know who you are but that was one great post! The pic of Eddie/Jacob is priceless! Third:TJE..THANK YOU for mentioning the Vampires Sucks movie..so thought I had NOT really seen the promo and totally made that it up in my head cuz I am good like that :)
      I think there could have been some good pranks snuck into the movies…like what teenager (wolf boy or not) so would not have hidden the spare clothes so that someone would have HAD to come walking out of the woods naked….right?
      Or during the fight scene in Eclipse Rosalie getting her nose knocked off, karma is such a bitch….
      :)
      Nice to meet you Font! Keep up the good work! BTW where are Moon and UC?

      • Sj

        On holiday hunting down sheiks so we can all form a harem. Should be back soon.

        PS The holiday part is true.

      • TeamJacobEdward

        Hahaha! You are most welcome. I’m actually quite curious about the movie. I know it’ll be stupid, but the trailer made me laugh: Victoria, James and Laurant being mistaken for the Black Eyed Peas. Jacob turning into a chihuahua. The wolfpack breaking into a dance to “it’s raining men.”

        And I sooo know what you mean about the making stuff up in your head. My mind has a tenancy to do that too. It tends to be quite creative and seems to have developed quite the sense of humor since my TBI.

        Mr Font is one of LTTs— reluctant unicorns. :) He’s not exactly comfortable with his lovingly dubbed label. ;)

        Moon is in Africa (or something) doing good deeds (last week and this week). UC is vacationing this week. Trusting the rest of the LTTers to fend for ourselves… sort of.

        Really great to hear from you Cyn. I hope lots that things are going well and looking up. Sending buckets of good, healing thoughts your way my dear.

      • BayWolf

        “so that someone would have HAD to come walking out of the woods naked….right?”

        Win!

        I’d like that in BD ;-)

  • JellyBeanRainbow

    Not enough deaths? I agree, but then I read Bree’s book and I’m sad she had to die.

    And since you mentioned Buffy and humour:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

    yes, I had to bring it up, it’s that amazing!

    • Robsessedgirl

      that was clever, but i have a hard time thinking ANYONE could say no to THAT hahahaha. I didn’t like the end. :’( But it was a cool video like I said.

  • http://adriennetrafford.blogspot.com adrienne

    shit would be ON like Donkey Kong – that made me die!

  • LoveSpelledBackwards

    Ha ha…”Oh hey – Actual conflict”, yeah. I agree, Font. I wonder if Steph will let them punch up the conflict in the movie “Breaking Dawn”, more people needed to die. I get not liking to do it Steph, but it really should have happened. I was so ready for it.

    But Vampire hunters….nah, Buffy took care of that.

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