Kristen Stewart’s “Brother” speaks out about the Krisbians
*please read the entire post and the note at the end before you wild out in the comments*
I just watched this video where you discuss the term “Krisbian”
Really, Kristen? Your “brother” doesn’t like the term? In fact it “pisses him off” you say… why is that do you think? Why would your “brother” hate that girls would go gay for you or at least have a torrid make out session at The Truck Stop in West Hollywood with you for one night? What else pisses your “brother” off so much?
How about when he turns the tv on and it’s always on the Logo channel? That you just bought stock in the Croc’s shoe company? Your roadtrips with Taylor Scout Compton? That your favorite show is “Thintervention with Jackie Warner?” That your idea of a romantic date is going to Home Depot for a new tool belt and a hot dog from the vendor in the parking lot? That your favorite actresses are Cynthia Nixon (and Rojo Caliente!), Meredith Baxter Berney and that girl from Top Gun?
Man your “brother” is judgmental! Can’t he just accept you and your fans and who you choose to love? Does your “brother” get to choose who you love? And really, doesn’t your “brother” have stuff he should be doing? Like going out with his bromantical friends? Buying more smokes from the bodega across from the the hotel? Isn’t there an In-n-Out run he should be making? And I’m pretty sure there’s a ton of push ups your “brother” needs to be doing right now for something important that’s coming up. Right? Your “brother” should probably be in the middle of his 5th rep of 100 crunches right now instead of trolling the internets for Krisbians to cyber bully. Jerk.
Really, if it weren’t for your “brother” you’d probably call yourself a Krisbian, right? You’d start a convention for all the Krisbians to meet up and wear Krisbian shirts. You’d tie a knot in yours, of course. And then lead a break out session on proper knot tying so that all the Krisbians were doing it the correct “Kristen Approved” way.
Ok, ok maybe you wouldn’t do any of that because well we heard months ago that you and I guess your “brother” now didn’t really care for the term Krisbian. And we agonized for months over who would have to write the letter letting everyone down gently. But with this video I guess we’re off the hook now and we can meet up and have girl talk over Margs!!! Virgin for you, of course. But it’s funny, Kristen, I really feel like we’re on the same page now. Like we have something in common after all this time. Wow, this might be a new chapter in our relationship.
But now that your “brother” has to come in and rained all over everyone’s parade and said the term pisses him off, what can we do about it Kristen? What about the Krisbians? Are they at home crying into their Krisbian for life pillows? Marked out with sharpie now, natch. You just can’t change how you feel, we know that! It’s like they’re the Kurt Hummel in this Glee world and we feel for them.
Maybe we should start a support group for the Krisbians to vent their feelings and provide a safe place for them to discuss what they’ll do to your “brother.” I mean… umm…. how they’ll ‘take care of’ your “brother” welllll…. ok. Maybe we should hire bodyguards for your “brother” instead.
Loving everyone just the way they are,
A special note to Krisbians: we love and accept you just the way you are! No matter who you choose to love. We’re not like Kristen’s “brother,” you’re safe here! And to show our support we’ve even thinking of turning our avatar purple on twitter… if we could figure out how to do that.
*No we don’t think Kristen’s “brother” is really her BROTHER, nor do we think any of them are cyber bullies or gay bashers, nor do we hate Kristen. There! Saved you from your dumb comments, people who can’t have a good time on the internet.*