Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),
We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.
Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection
The one where we think we know what happened
UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called
The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace
UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved
UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs
Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
The one where we blame people
Moon: i LOVE the line “I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, So good to me, so right” i laughed so hard!!! i mean we all love taylor ambiguous ethnicity… but do you think she loves his alpaca face too?
UC: Yes, who didn’t dream of owning an alpaca farm after seeing that commercial about how easy it is?
UC: So….. let’s talk about what else taylor misses She misses his Tan Skin
Moon: tan skin, check
Moon: alpaca face, check
Moon: his family (aka big daddy), check
UC: I mean… if anyone thinks this isn’t about Taylor, they’re an idiot-sweet smile, he held her in his arms in SEPTEMBER… Wow- Swiftner alluded the press for awhile HE held her while she cried so sweet. Why was she crying?
Moon:JOE JONAS?JOHN MAYER!!
UC: Was it over another boy? Someone she’ll never get over… and he said his Jacob lines from the movie theater grabbed her hand she said “No, Taylor… I can’t……”
Moon: im just gonna blame john mayer for breaking up swiftner
UC:I like that and Summit
Moon: and robsten fans. they have to be to blame they didnt want another couple stealing the spotlight
The one where the Taylors put a sock on the door
UC: Do you think Taylor L. went down to his local Target (in New Orleans) to pick up Swift’s album last Tuesday,popped it in his sports car on his way to get take-out from the Olive Garden, punches in track 3 and sobs… right there in the parking lot outside of a restaurant modeled after an Italian villa?
Moon: it was like being in italy. then he goes home and he eats ben and jerrys and sobs to it in a bubble bath
UC: She says “If we loved again I swear I’d love you right”
Moon: BUT i think SHE sent him a copy with a signed note, saying shes DTF
UC: hahahahaha she ALSO sings “So if the chain is on your door, I understand”
UC: IF the chain is….. she’s asking IS the chain on your door? cuz if it’s not… I’m DTF
Moon: chair on the door of your sketch hotel room in NOLA. do nice hotel room doors even have chains? I can’t remember seeing one
UC: put a sock on the door if you’re DTF though
Moon: HAHAHAHA sock
UC: chain= I’ll stay away. Sock= DTF
Moon: she’ll put her scrunchie on the door if he lets her in
UC: I’ll be by at 8, that’s what it says if you play the song backwards
Moon: it’s not “paul is dead” it’s “taylor saying ‘im DTF” on repeat
UC: it is a sweet song. Kinda heart-breaking since we’re crazy obsessive stalkers & know that it’s most likely true. She’s sad. She blew it
Moon: so sweet. i love the swift AND the laut… but i really LOVE swiftner
UC: But the good news is……. I think he’s been single ever since. I think she hurt him bad
Moon: SHE BLEW IT HARD
Ducktales ooohhh ooohhh
UC: So… he might be DTF still…
Moon: right, he might still hold a candle for her… he was one of the highest paid ‘teens’ last yr! get in there taylor with your gabillions start a TAYLOR empire and take over the world, one awesome teen girl song and teen boy movie at a time
UC: IS Swift not richer? she sold a bajillion records. Imma google it
UC: google says: 17.2 mil
Moon: oh shes probs richer but he’s coming up there. especially with the BD contracts, how they redid them and im sure getting a cut on the backend
UC: they should
Moon: he’ll be scrouge mcduck-ing it in no time… swimming in that twihard money
UC: I’m jealous.
Moon: me too, i have a snorkle taylor(s) ill swim with you
The one where UC is called out!
UC: you know… Nashville isn’t too far from New Orleans and he’s there for SIX MONTHS
UC: Let’s place our bets- I say we see a Swiftner round 2
Moon: PLEASEE!!!! im praying for it. i mean if there hasnt already been a call or at least a TEXT between them since this album came out from laut to swift then HE’S CRAZY
UC: I’d pay money to see them on a double date with Robsten- a colorful duo of pink & kittens & glitter & pricnesses, then the duds in black
UC: what should we bet?
Moon: speaking of…. you still havent paid up for on eclipse! The people voted and you have to write a letter to the crazy Oprah Twimoms!!!
UC: oh crap! i totally forgot
Moon: CALLED OUT!
The one where we finally bet
UC: Ok, so I bet there will be a round 2. Swiftner back together and unicorns will frolic again.
Moon: ok to make it interesting, ill say no they wont. the Laut is on to bigger and better things aka Selena Gomez again or whoever the new IT teen girl is. (who is that people?) aka those hot new vampire witnesses that have been cast
UC: His Tan face found another who is DTF?
Moon: swift had her chance for a lisa frank folder life come true and she fumbled the ball. (teelaut loves a good football analogy) so he moved on
UC: Demi Lovato when she’s out of rehab?
Moon: the laut wouldnt touch demi with a 10 ft pole now…. OMG DAKOTA FANNING
Moon: Dakota Fanning is SOOOO DTF especially after runaways
UC: Kristen told her all about Sex. now she’s DTF
Moon: taylor swift got scared of the fireplace but dakota isnt! kristen walked her through it. shes ready for a good/awful manip of her and taylor on a beach with giant heads and man hands
UC: Ok, so the bet
Moon: Yes, whoever loses has to write a Swiftner one shot fan fiction!!!
So Swiftner, we miss you… a lot. And we loooove Taylor Swift like a couple of fangirls. You would make our year if you got back together and mounted your Unicorns and froliced in a meadow with a double rainbow overhead… but we understand young love is difficult, but just give it a try… FOR US!!
Moon and UC
And yes, with that we have placed a bet we will keep. Tell us when the cut off date is… by Taylor’s 19th birthday? And what’s your thoughts besides Swiftner is awesome and how great and girly Taylor Swift’s music is…. and GO!