The Crystal Ball of Twilight – What does the future hold?

In the year 2000000000

Dear Twilight,

I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.

So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…

Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment

Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner

After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise

Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita

Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?

Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).

Tips welcome!

Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.

Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!

Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.

Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.

Xavier Samuel will still be hot.

Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.

So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!

In the year two thouuuuusaaaaaand!
Themoonisdown

  • chochang

    the lives of UC and Moon will be made into an award-winning made for TV movie.

    • Anonymous

      Anna Kendrick as Moon, Ashley Green as UC?

      • Anonymous

        Xavier Samuel as Mr.Moon.

    • Anonymous

      Team Seth – you’d better get cracking on that screenplay – I know its in the works!

  • Libbyrenee

    the funniest thing about all this is that it could actually happens… thank you for the laughs ladies, amazing as usual.

    • ChillinWithCullens

      Exactly! GRILLED fish sandwich?? Genius!!

  • eatmyjorts

    I’m just waiting for the day when Team Jacob & Team Edward followers start having riots in their old folks homes. Vintage mini-Edwards & worn thin cardboard Edwards may be casualties…

    • Anonymous

      Hey, this continues the theme we were talking about the other day with the old gals at the home comparing their blurry Edward tattoos!

  • drsaka

    If that were to be the outcome for the studio after The Saga earns bazillions of $$, then, oh boy.

    The Jackson-one-man band seems so right, somehow. But instead of those stripy pink/purple tights (ot whatever they are), I somehow picture leiderhosen.

    • Anonymous

      Leiderhosen! Yes!

    • TeamSeth

      Like Bert from mary poppins!

  • MariaCecilia

    Oh, you have given voice to all my hopes and fears, I think you are probably as psychic as Alice! I am secretly afraid that Rob’s career may actually fail and flounder like, say, Orlando Bloom’s, once the franchise is over. Maybe he will be just another pretty face to the world outside Twilight?? But now I know he would be safe and happy anyway, back on the road, with his guitar/tin pocket piano and his BFF! Sweet relief..

    Kristen, no, I think she will get into groovy indie projects involving projecting Strong Women, for instance financing a movie about the life of Emily Dickinson starring – herself! (Lots of lip biting in that, I am sure!)

    Taylor will of course become the next action hero, at least for a year or two, and then he will have his own TV series. Aren’t they remaking Nightrider? And this part seems prophetic: Ashley has all the makings of a Jennifer-career! Maybe she can even snag Brad for a short spin?

    I will remember: I read it here first! Meanwhile I must try to find Kathy’s new address – beach bums and Margarita documentaries sounds fun..

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I think Cathy has the best future of them all, and she deserves it!

  • MariaCecilia

    Oh, you have given voice to all my hopes and fears, I think you are probably as psychic as Alice! I am secretly afraid that Rob’s career may actually fail and flounder like, say, Orlando Bloom’s, once the franchise is over. Maybe he will be just another pretty face to the world outside Twilight?? But now I know he would be safe and happy anyway, back on the road, with his guitar/tin pocket piano and his BFF! Sweet relief..

    Kristen, no, I think she will get into groovy indie projects involving projecting Strong Women, for instance financing a movie about the life of Emily Dickinson starring – herself! (Lots of lip biting in that, I am sure!)

    Taylor will of course become the next action hero, at least for a year or two, and then he will have his own TV series. Aren’t they remaking Nightrider? And this part seems prophetic: Ashley has all the makings of a Jennifer-career! Maybe she can even snag Brad for a short spin?

    I will remember: I read it here first! Meanwhile I must try to find Kathy’s new address – beach bums and Margarita documentaries sounds fun..

  • natteringyeahrobber

    Um, what about Michael Welch? He’s always the forgotten one so I feel like I (as a fellow usually-forgotten one) must represent his interests. I think he might actually be one of the few who make it out of the franchise with some dignity left intact, which will be ironic/beautiful because he’s the only one who was shed of all dignity in every single Twilight film. He’ll go on to do some Mamet on Broadway (a good one, not some lame one with countless production issues), then go on to winning Best Supporting Actor in a Coen-brother film (a Western remake of Face Punch, perhaps), and basically follow a similar career path as fellow not-hot-but-certainly-talented dudes like Philip Seymour Hoffman and William H. Macy. Last time you clowns doubt Mikey!!!

    • drsaka

      Perhaps he’s reading scripts based on Face Punch now! hahaha, but really good luck good M. Welch too.

    • Anonymous

      And after his haydays of movies, he’ll score big on some HBO show about living a double life

    • Anonymous

      I very much want to see him in the remake of Face Punch by the Coen brothers. One ticket sold already, guys, make it happen!

    • MyNieceIsAFanRIGHT

      For some reason the scene with the tree and Mike in the background while Bella and Charlie are at the diner popped in my head . . .and now I can’t get it out. Maybe I have to distract myself and think of butt crack Santa.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        No need for such drastic measures! Buttcrack Santa should never be summoned into your consciousness – if you summon him 3 times, he becomes real! But on a similar note, what the hell is up with the waitress always pushing berry cobbler on Charlie. Is that some sort of euphemism or code? What is with the cobbler pushing? Sorry if this has been discussed, but the cobbler pusher really irritates me – cobbler is what you make when you are too lazy to make a proper pie. Cobbler would NOT get me into the sack.

        • MariaCecilia

          I am sure it IS code for… their secret affair! He has her for dessert every Thursday – SHE is the “berry cobbler”. Look at her wiggling her eyebrows like “come out back with me as usual, forget about the daughter, cause she’s all grown up!”

          • natteringyeahrobber

            LOL. Oh, I’m sure he has a whole host of fruit cobblers on the back burner. Peach Cobbler is one of the nurses at the hospital, Blackberry Cobbler is that whore waitress in Port Angeles, and Strawberry Cobbler is Jessica. But Charlie and Strawberry Cobbeler just sit around talk about Bella, because she’s underage and all.

          • natteringyeahrobber

            LOL. Oh, I’m sure he has a whole host of fruit cobblers on the back burner. Peach Cobbler is one of the nurses at the hospital, Blackberry Cobbler is that whore waitress in Port Angeles, and Strawberry Cobbler is Jessica. But Charlie and Strawberry Cobbeler just sit around talk about Bella, because she’s underage and all.

        • MyNieceIsAFanRIGHT

          OMG! You crack me up. I’ll make sure not to click my heals too. I might get my quote wrong but the cobbler pushing doesn’t just apply to Charlie I’m thinkin. When she is talking to Bella she leans in with “it’s your favorite, remember” . . . well if it STILL was her favorite she would remember so stop pushing or maybe that’s why she pushes away Crack Butt Santa – he’s crowding on her market.

      • MariaCecilia

        But you know that that is not actually M. Welch’s butt outside the window, right? That is really his stunt man waving his cute behind in the air…Contract issues, you know. ;-)

        • TeamSeth

          Yeah, the stunt man, he’s a good buddy.

  • natteringyeahrobber

    My predictions? Ashley will be the next Winona Ryder. She’ll do some weird racy stuff that only gets distribution in Austria and Thailand. Instead of shoplifting, she’ll be caught stealing Rob’s underwear when she’s invited over to his house for a cast reuninon party. Nikki Reed will do what someone with a name like Nikki Reed always ends up doing – soft porn, lady of the night roles on CSI offshoots, then she’ll have triplets and have to endure humililating unflattering photos of herself wearing mom jeans in the “what not to wear” section of gossip rags. Agree with MC about Kstew financing her own roles in chick flicks, but she’ll probably do well, despite any critical reviews. Just because. And she’ll be celebrity chef as well, going head to head with Bobby Flay in a bell pepper grill-off. As for Cathy, I really think she could capitalize on a Twilight theme park in Forks. I can imagine all manner of groovy rides – Whiplash Mood Swings, Volturi Tour (scary scream sounds in elevator!), Vampire Baseball batting cages. Endless possibilities, Cathy.

    • Anonymous

      Giant hamster wheels…

    • Midnight Cougar (MC)

      I saw on LTR you are looking for some good pics of 50 in MOTU, so I posted a link there you might be interested in. Cheers: MC

  • Anonymous

    BURN! You went there with “life partner”. WIN

    • Anonymous

      And no thumbs down over here- even better!

  • Anonymous

    “Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!”
    Has no one gotten upset about this yet today? Dammit I want to type argue with someone!

    • Anonymous

      You can’t argue with Fate! He has superstar written all over him!

      • TeamSeth

        I kind of think he’s going to take over Talk Soup. I just see him in that role.

      • TeamSeth

        I kind of think he’s going to take over Talk Soup. I just see him in that role.

    • MariaCecilia

      Sorry, I am part of the irony generation so I was sure that was just one big joke…my bad!

    • Midnight Cougar (MC)

      Chon has gone to Hell in a Handbasket lately, so I doubt this prediction will come true.

      • MyNieceIsAFanRIGHT

        It’s the bad hair color choice that clashed with his red carpet look. There is no going back after that.

  • Anonymous

    “Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!”
    Has no one gotten upset about this yet today? Dammit I want to type argue with someone!

    • gizmo

      There is no argument to that. It’s a fact.

  • Anonymous

    Sometimes my comments post twice. #IWin

    • MariaCecilia

      And that just makes them more true….

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  • Anonymous

    What about Billy Burke and Kellan Lutz, what will happen to them? I’m not that creative, so will wait to see what you have to say.

  • Anonymous

    What about Billy Burke and Kellan Lutz, what will happen to them? I’m not that creative, so will wait to see what you have to say.

    • natteringyeahrobber

      Kellan Lutz – Bristol Palin’s future husband. Perfect, right?

      • Anonymous

        Um… genius.

      • TeamSeth

        This makes me think that I’d really like to see Kellan go on dancing with the stars

    • ladyofthemeadow

      Kellan will open a chain of gyms, get really big, and become the next Governor of California.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        wayyyy to plausible….you’re scaring me.

        • ladyofthemeadow

          okay, let’s combine the genius thoughts… he’ll become the next Governor of California… with Bristol by his side!

          • TeamSeth

            I hear that you can see Russia from your back porch in Sacrameto.

    • MariaCecilia

      I’m sort of hoping that Billy Burke will marry ME and make that his career.. *batting eyelashes wildly* Team Charlie! Yay!

      • natteringyeahrobber

        Numero Uno Cobbler. Dedicated Cobbler. You Are My Life Now Cobbler. Personal Meth Cobbler. Sounds good. Billy’s got a CD out, you know. Maybe you guys can go into record production and sign on Rob. Or hell, maybe Rob and Billy can be the next Hall and Oates. Billy is so Oates. I already want to be a groupie!

        • TeamSeth

          please make an album cover tshirt of this!

          • http://twitter.com/T3tasha Tasha

            I would get one

  • MyNieceIsAFanRIGHT

    Wait! Didn’t you hear (or read between the lines of the tweet)????? . . . It is later revealed in the tabloids about Big Daddy having a meeting with all the Twi-kids at the Steak House on the 19th (he wanted it at the Olive Garden but was out voted. He was last heard whispering “do they serve fried fish?”).

    The article of course has corresponding pictures: one of Ashley making Joe cut her salad for her, Jackson with a wistful look on his face as he is distracted by a super fan girl walking by (reminds him of another super fan girl that got away), and Rob & Kristen staring into each other’s eyes as Taylor pouts in the back ground – oops, sorry, that’s Big Daddy, I guess they don’t serve fried fish.

    He has gathered the Twilight gang to propose buying Summit together so they can have annual all expensive paid reunions with rotating themes. They figured if they could get everyone who watched a Vogue Photo Shoot on Youtube to pay a dollar . . . but then they have to explain to Kellan he would actually OWN the company so asking for more money would be counter productive.

  • ladyofthemeadow

    BTW I can’t add comments or reply using my BlackBerry Torch… fail.

  • Anonymous

    In the future, things will no longer be blamed upon Nikki…yeah, right… #BlameItOnTheReed

  • Anonymous

    Dakota Fanning will hook up with Justin Beiber. They’ll be “Dakober” (you heard it here first girls and boys) they’ll be the hottest couple ever, swiping even all Robsten followers away over night.

    As a result, Kristen and Rob will split ’cause though they claimed to hate the attention, they lived for it. Kristen, in rebound, will be rumored to have made Killian stray from his pure ways. And Cathy, eager for spotlight and claim of Rob hotness, will crow that Rob turned to her for “consoling” with his breakup with Kristen and her quick return to the market. Though no proof of said consoling ever took place has yet to be seen.

    • TeamSeth

      Does this mean Taylor Swift is going to make a “Back to Dakober” song?

      • Anonymous

        hahaha! You never know.

        Ooooo, and maybe Justin/Dakota will have the smarts to hook up in October, resulting in people to start referring to October as Dakober in honor of their greatness as the biggest power couple ever.

  • http://twitter.com/Twilight_Site Twilight News Site

    Isn’t it obvious? If Summit is/were/ever will be in financial trouble… reboot Twilight!

    They could do it from the vampires’ perspective, in the style of the book which shall not be named, as some girl shows up from Arizona and ruins, like, everything.

    So who would be Edward? Bella? Eric?

    • Anonymous

      Is your avi Breaking Benjamin, Dear Agony’s album cover?

      • http://twitter.com/Twilight_Site Twilight News Site

        No, its just the Cullen Crest. :)

    • MyNieceIsAFanRIGHT

      Summit will just make all these special DVDs with different options at different stores . . . wait, they already did that.

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