The LTT Mailbag – A Grandma leaves me speechless

MAIL CALL!!

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s time to crack open the mailbag and see what goodies the crazies have sent us. Since we don’t have Intern Rob like LTR does to answer emails over there I guess I’ll be forced to. Instead of posting a letter from our super funny readers I’ve broken into our special “crazies” folder to bring you a little chuckle this Monday (ugh) morning…

I get that Bella is in love with Edward but still has feelings for Jacob.  Jacob is suspicious of Edward’s intentions.  Do you think Edward is hiding something more from Bella and Jacob?  I think Edward might not be everything that he says he is.
Love,
Suspicious

Edward on the weekends

Dear Suspicious,
If be not everything he says he is you mean he’s a tranny you would be right. Edward has been living half his life as a woman and performs at the he drag show nights at the Tool Shack in Port Angeles. And you know how he’s always skipping school any time it’s “sunny?” It’s not actually because he glitters, it was because he was up late watching the RuPaul’s Drag Race marathon on Oxygen while sketching new costume ideas with Alice. AAANNNDDD you know that whole glittering business? Well that’s no lie, Edward really does sparkle in the sun but it’s because he’s wearing Body Shimmer from Sephora not because of some vampiric side effects.

SO you were right, Edward really isn’t everything he says he is.
XO,
Moon

I think the 5th book should be called “The Bleeding Rose, The final Chapter of Twilight”
From – A Reader

Dear A Reader,
I think the 5th book should be called “Midnight Sun.” Get in line.
XO,
Moon

There needs to be more action that will make you jump out of your seat, more drama, adventure, romance, more sexy characters. Does anyone know when Stephanie will be signing books and where to meet her?
Billy

Dear Billy,
Maybe you and A Reader can tell Stephenie this at her book signing for: MIDNIGHT SUN. Whenever that will be. Keep your eyes on the prize people!
XO,
Moon

Ain't no thang just reading LTT/LTR/Robsessed/Twifans/BreakingDawnmovie.org/AARP benefits site

Subject: A Grandma’s Desire
Just like all of the fans of the twilight cast My desire is to truly be able to contact them to let them know how we feel about our favorite actor or actress. And to thank Stephenie  Meyer,  for taking the time to write the novel  that sparked life into all our lives. Both women and men. I  happen  to be Team Edward. My desire is to see him in person. I’ve  been  tempted to catch the plane, come out there and share the ground  with my homeless  friend  just for the opportunity to see him, walk the runway or visit on the outside of a site  where he is working. Hoping to catch  sight of him. Sometimes the urge is so great  I’ve called  my  friend to tell  her im  on my way. I don’t  think  I would enjoy sleeping outside in the elements But  if  I knew  that I could see him , I would take the chance. I have little hope now that my friend have lost the car she was sleeping in. I was  counting on furnishing the gas and she would at least drive me around. I watched when fans put up  their tents and envied them, wishing I was there. My children and grandchildren  are embrassed   when  I  talk about Edward and my desire to see him in person. To  hear his voice, see his gorgeous hair. But I would be satisfied just to get a e-mail from him. I tried  to get to Chicago, when he was there its closer to my home. But I got sick. He was on the Oprah show. I sent him a birthday card  to the  show . Hope he got it. hope he e-mail me back, I will be waiting.
All my love,
TwilightGrandma

She's got a used tissue in here for you

Dear Twilight Grandma,
………………………………………………………..

Sorry but my mind is blown. You’ve seriously considered shacking up with your homeless friend in a CAR to stalk Rob? I’m gonna have to go ahead and say THIS is NOT NORMAL. We’ve done and said some weird stuff in our time but this ranks up there. I totally understand the allure of Edward or Rob or whoever you think he is but you’re a grandma. You should be watching reruns of Murder She Wrote, knitting weird sweaters and eating hard candies covered in pocket and tissue lint, not fantasizing about giving your homeless friend gas money in exchange for tracking down “Edward.”
WOW,
Moon

Yes, friends these are REAL emails we’ve received! We couldn’t be more happy and scared each time we log in to our emails. Feeling frisky and want to write us a letter? Have a question? Have an observation? Rereading the Saga? Want to profess your love for Stephenie/Rob/Summit Entertainment? WRITE US!

Now don’t have a case of the Mondays,
Themoonisdown

I almost gave Edward a drag name but then I thought I’d let you guys create it… So have at it in the comments!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Anonymous

    @ Billy “facepunch”. What a bunch of crackheads……

  • JodieO

    Rob’s drag name is totally Busty L’Heureux. What would poor Grandma say if she camped out in a car and ran into him on the weekend? What a terrible letdown that would be.

    • Stacey

      Hey JodieO…just love that drag name! Awesome! :0)

  • Shleeeigh

    Wow.

    Also, hi everyone!

  • drsaka

    Oh wow, Twilight Grandma- that’s true dedication or something….

  • http://twitter.com/Obava Obava

    Rob’s drag name is Poppy VanWie.

    • Stacey

      Okay…this is a fantastic drag name, too!

    • Anonymous

      How about Blanche DuJaw?

  • Anonymous

    I feel SO normal now! Happy Monday EVERYONE!! :)

    • JodieO

      Happy Monday!

    • Stacey

      Happy Monday to you too!

    • Anonymous

      Hey Mid Cyn! Of course you’re Normal. You hang out with us! :)

    • Anonymous

      Hey Cyn!

    • TeamSeth

      Hey Cyn! I was wondering where you’ve been! Welcome back.

      • TeamSeth

        I got a new avatar…still me. It’s my fan art drawing of Charlie Swan done in Microsoft Paint program. Very exciting ;)

  • http://twitter.com/thebonfire Nikki

    ah mailbag gives me the hehes every time. “she’s got used tissue in here for you” made me choke on my breakfast. thanks

    • Stacey

      Don’t forget the cough drops. I bet she gets special ones made with ‘Edward’s’ face on them. My grandmother used to pass those things out like candy, but I have a feeling IF she had the very special TWILIGHT cough drop edition, Twilight Grandma would horde them.

      Summit really needs to license that…it would be a Twilight merchandise goldmine.

  • Anonymous

    After cracking up at Moon saying “keep your eyes on the prize people” (so true) I heard in my head Mr. Birdie say “eyes on the scr-een people” that’s normal right?

  • Saxon(Charlies Angel) 03/2009

    PMSL at the 5th book response, love ya Moon;-)

    • TeamSeth

      I like your avatar! We can always use a little more Bewley around here!

  • Anonymous

    Bleeding Rose doesnt even make sense. Who are these morons? I am going to give yall the benefit of the doubt that these are real questions, not like the “questions” sent into 17 or cosmo.

    I like the crazies

    • JustGoWithIt

      Yeah. Bleeding Rose? I can’t remember any mentioned of roses in any of the books. I would go with Sparklepeen: The Final, and Very Adult Final Twilight Book. Yup.

      • Anonymous

        that is the best idea ever!

      • TeamSeth

        Yeah! Bleeding Rose… what is this, New Moon book cover all over again? What a bunch of crap.

        • TeamSeth

          Unless it’s supposed to be one of those “sounds like” La Vie En Rose or whatever…. On my initial alt+tab read through (work was very busy today! Lots of people by my desk–very uncool), I thought that Bleeding Rose title was referencing the drag name of Robward…

    • Anonymous

      Me too. The crazies and the haters. Have you read the hate mail? Hilarious.

    • Lindsay’s Friend Val

      So when I first read that I thought it was a reference to Rosalie… if Bella snaps and beats the shit out of her I would totally crack up and there we’d be laughing at inappropriate times again, in a theater full of girls scolding us.

      • Anonymous

        val, you need a legit screen name!

  • RachelB

    Twilight Grandma probably was sitting NEXT to Rob and only thought it was a homeless guy! hehehe

    • Notanaddikt Bella

      Right! Maybe TwilightGrandma is actually living in a comfortable old-people’s home, and she just wants to shack up with her homeless friend because of said friend’s expansive knowledge of good dumpster places.

      • drsaka

        excellent point

  • The Plane Friend

    ***I think the 5th book should be called “Midnight Sun.” Get in line.***
    Love it. And the Grandma kinda flies by the normal line straight to creeping me out.

    • http://twitter.com/tracitalynne Traci Olsen

      Yeah, “eyes on the prize” made me laugh out loud, here, alone on my couch. But srsly yes publish that book plzkthxbye.

      And oh damn TwiGramma freaked me the hell out. Good fraking lord. *whispers* I think she really means Edward not Rob ohmygod I am scared.

  • Stacey

    These letters are the reasons that celebrities have body guards. Poor Pattinson. I figured out that if I did find myself in a room with him, I would completely ignore him. (Okay, maybe occasionally glance over.) I did this to Bobby Flay this weekend. Flay, appeared to be slightly uncomfortable with the crowd that kept surrounding him and begging for his picture at his restaurant. I decided at that moment he, and other celebrities, might appreciate being ignored. Let them approach you. It’s a very polite way to handle things.

    Here’s my advice, Twilight Grandma. Don’ t hang out with your homeless friend in a car. You’re elderly, you might catch a cold and at your age it might be dangerous. If you find yourself actually near ‘Edward’ DO NOT approach him. See those big dudes around him? They are body guards and would definitely not hesitate to rough an old lady up. That’s what they are paid to do and don’t mind if they break a couple hips in the process. Instead, watch your worn VHS of Twilight and pause on the image of ‘Edward’ then chat with him to your heart’s content. I have a feeling he already ‘talks’ to you.

    This is in no way to be taken in offense to older and more mature Twilight fans. Just the wacky ones who want to stalk an actor with their homeless friend. At least she was willing to pay for gas. That was nice.

    • Anonymous

      Wait. What? Edward doesn’t talk to you too? I mean. Yeah. Me neither.

      • TeamSeth

        LIES! Edward talks to you every day!!! (he just goes by his first name Jacob)

        • Anonymous

          Bahahaha! Truth. You’ve got me there.

          But the poor sport won’t let me call him by his middle name or anything. What a killjoy. ;)

          Funny story, I recently found out one of my good friends’ husbands’ name is actually his middle name. I told Jake, “hey honey! You should go by your middle name too!” He said he didn’t think so. Even when I tried to tell him it was the cool thing to do he remained to be swayed. Well, can’t blame a girl for trying.

          • Team Seth

            You sure can’t blame a girl :)

            (oh, I emailed you, but then no response so I got worried–you know me.)

          • Anonymous

            I go by middle name, “Lindsay” (i know, not to creative with the screen name), it is the cool thing to do

          • Anonymous

            See? My husband should totally start going by Edward. (though Jake fits him way better)

    • TeamSeth

      That was nice she was going to pay for gas. A lot nicer than Mr. Seth who insists I drive everywhere and then never pays for my gas. Just ‘cuz I’m a better driver and my headlight isn’t out, doesn’t mean you get a free ride–quite literally.

      ps-they make Twilight on VHS?

  • Notanaddikt Bella

    You should go check with intern Rob, but I kind of think Rob had tranny Edward on his mind when he came up with Spunk Ransom.

    TwilightGrandma is just… wow. There are no words.

  • dazzledtodeath

    There’s a fanfic featuring a cross-dressing, drag-performer Edward (and one where he works as a geisha, too). Get reading, Suspicious, and you can get an idea of what Edward’s been up to on those “sunny” days.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6391579/1/Be_My_Fing_BoyfriePr

  • ladyofthemeadow

    Grandma is not normal. Let’s hope Rob is not reading LTR today.

    On the positive side… Grandma is making me feel young, cause I don’t see that level of craziness in me, so therefore I must be young, and normal to boot.

  • natteringyeahrobber

    Dear Twilight Grandma,
    I don’t live in Los Angeles, but I could easily fly down and meet you. My brother lives there and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind hosting us – he even lives in an apartment with lights and electricity. You would be the perfect cover for me stalking -er, I mean helping- you cross off “meet Edward Pattz” from your list of 50 things you must do before you die. I’m sure if you wrote him a letter telling him what a nice young man he is and that you only have 90 days left to live (include photo of yourself with a needlepoint version of the Cullen clan), he might decide it is a good idea in terms of publicity to meet you. As long as you let me come with you, I’m up for this plan. And as an older fan, you might even make me look younger, and thus more appealing to him. I only stipulate that as part of this deal, you take very long bathroom breaks when we are in the room with Rob – er I mean Edward – together. And when you are not in the bathroom, suggest to Edward that I seem “like such a nice YOUNG woman” and take his hand and put it firmly in my lap, then wink at him.
    Deal? Then we can hit the town with the other 49 items on your list.
    Regards,
    Me

  • Anonymous

    Tranny Edward needs to have a play on words type name.
    - Vamp Iress
    - Ivanna Suckurblüde (She’s Dutch or maybe Swedish?)
    - Sparkles Inthesun
    - Countess Dracula

    • natteringyeahrobber

      Agreed. And LMAO. Ivanna Suckurblude…putting the trans in Translyvania.

      • sweetinator88

        omg, hahaha amazing

      • TeamSeth

        SQUEE!!!! I laughed so hard at this!!!!!!!!!!!! Mr. Seth got seriously concerned. (then I said LTT and he went “oh, ok”)

      • Anonymous

        Suddenly some lyrics from the Rocky Horror Picture Show are running through my head.

        • Team Seth

          Where do you get your drugs? “Columbia!”
          What’s your favorite color? “Magenta!”

      • Anonymous

        Suddenly some lyrics from the Rocky Horror Picture Show are running through my head.

  • Anonymous

    Oh wow! That really made my Monday. Just what I needed. Thanks, Moon. Maybe this could be a new Monday tradition.

  • Anonymous

    Bless TwiGrandMa’s Heart.

  • JustGoWithIt

    When I read Twilight Grandma’s email, I read “my homeless friend” as Rob when not dressed in his Edward best.

  • http://twitter.com/tracitalynne Traci Olsen

    Edward’s drag name: BareLeigh Legal? Icy London? Moody Judy McSparklepeen?

    • TeamSeth

      BareLeigh Legal? She’s not hunting down Chris Hansen… (and I just misspelled it as “haunting” when I first wrote it lol)

      • http://twitter.com/tracitalynne Traci Olsen

        Hee. Well, you know, our boy E. is allegedly 17, so probably would not be able to get in to the better drag clubs.

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention Letters to Twilight -- Topsy.com

  • Team Seth

    Rob’s drag name: Mrs. Hot Pocket, the lovely Dumpst Erdiver, let’s welcome her royalty, Queen Heiney Ken

    • Stacey

      Ha! Or the Fabulous Dumpsta Diva.

      • TeamSeth

        That’s epic.

    • nocoolname

      Ohhhhh! Mrs. Hot Pocket FTW!!!

      p.s. Just sent you an email – Ch. 20 up. :)

  • MariaCecilia

    Dear Stacey,
    if that is the only way I get to suck on Edward’s face I will do it for sure. Please send me your bag of candies as soon as you read this. I will be waiting impatiently in my friend’s car. Yours truly,
    Twilight granny

    • Stacey

      Ha ha ha!!! Hilarious!! I wonder if she would like the Limited Edition Edward and Frank Sinatra heads cough drops?

  • Anonymous

    OK, here’s an interview where Rob describes a tranny outfit he put together for an audition, at about 1:53 (the rest is good too). Unfortunately he doesn’t come up with a name for himself:

    What was this movie??

  • GeminiGypsy

    Aw, Grandmas can love twilight and Robward if they want, too! Although hanging out with a homeless person is probably taking it too far :P And of course Midnight Sun is going to be the next book! I mean, of course you should leave it in your vault Steph- never bring it out ever again! *reverse psychology…

  • http://twitter.com/MrsKassieCullen Kassie Isdale

    Omg that’s hilarious… I bet that grandma would kick my ass for being in the Oprah taping without having to live in a car to do it, huh?

  • sweetinator88

    what has this world come to?

  • Anonymous

    About three things I am absolutely positive. First, TwiGrandma is not quite Normal. Second, there is part of me — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that sort of loves her. And third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably certain that she is on The List.

    • Ylreveba

      LMAO!!!! xD

  • Imbranata111

    I’ve got a drag name for him: Lucia Virginity!

    • http://twitter.com/tracitalynne Traci Olsen

      *snortlaugh*

    • http://twitter.com/tracitalynne Traci Olsen

      *snortlaugh*

  • http://twitter.com/tracitalynne Traci Olsen

    Just to prove I may be a little less normal like our friend Grandma here, today I zoned out for a bit, looking at the sun sparkle off the snow and trying to figure if this phenomenon somehow was similar to vampsparkle…you know, physiologically. Vampires are powdery? Crusty? I Couldn’t. Make it. Work.

    That’s … normal? Right?

  • Anonymous

    I get Bleeding Rose, especially after the bloodbathy grotesque “Birth of Bella” fan art we were involuntarily exposed to last week. I don’t remember any rose references in the books, but maybe it is in reference to Rosalie? Like it is Rosalie’s turn to get her insides turned out as Jacob looks longingly at her exposed small intestines and Edward snatches up her baby? Retribution. Bella’s retribution. Bella can boil water and set out towels while Rose(alie) bleeds. Totally makes sense, when one recalls the fan-art.

    • TeamSeth

      Excellent! They can sign on Tarantino or Scorsese.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        Yes, directed by Tarantino, screenplay by Chuckie (with special appearance of Chuckie as Rosalie’s baby), and produced by Blue Cross of California. Someone needs to make this happen. Quentin, if you are reading this (and I know you are), get this one greenlighted. XOXO

        • Team Seth

          Blue Cross of Cali–That’s Hilarious! Bringin’ it full circle!

  • C4EverDazzled

    that is just WOW I have no words… on a side note, last night I was hanging out with my cuz and he was watching Ax Men on the history channel and 2 things stood out, in one segment they were mentioning the Cullen brothers and in another someone was talking about how all the best loggers come out of Forks, WA … of course my cousin hates all things twilight and therefore I didn’t say anything but inside I was giggling thinking its sooo normal :D

  • cosi bella

    Aw moon! Go grandma I say!l!

    What’s the diff between sleeping in a car and tent city outside the premiers?

    Not feelin it
    (Maybe I’m cranky today)

    or could be cos LTT always freezes on me when I try to post replies to the comments of others or load more comments >:(

  • TeamSeth

    I’m surprised to see that no one commented on The Tuck being an apt example of Robward’s secret life…

    • Anonymous

      Hahaha!

      That’s what you’re here for; to point out these things we miss for us. :)

  • Anonymous

    Just wanted to say…GET THAT INTERN BACK TO LTR!!! Okay, I know it’s not your fault, I’ll stop with the shouty caps. ;)

    Oh! And why did my grandma have to call him Edward. I tell her repeatedly his name is Rob! (no, my grandma has no idea about Twilight, only that I have a thing for British men)

  • Anonymous

    Just wanted to say…GET THAT INTERN BACK TO LTR!!! Okay, I know it’s not your fault, I’ll stop with the shouty caps. ;)

    Oh! And why did my grandma have to call him Edward. I tell her repeatedly his name is Rob! (no, my grandma has no idea about Twilight, only that I have a thing for British men)

  • Anonymous

    Just wanted to say…GET THAT INTERN BACK TO LTR!!! Okay, I know it’s not your fault, I’ll stop with the shouty caps. ;)

    Oh! And why did my grandma have to call him Edward. I tell her repeatedly his name is Rob! (no, my grandma has no idea about Twilight, only that I have a thing for British men)

  • Anonymous

    Is TwiGran really me writing from the future when I’m in a nursing home so whacked out by senility & drugs I’ve jumped the fence to Team Edward?? I feel queasy.

    On the plus side – I have a ‘friend’. And a dream. Oh, and drugs. I just may be the most normal senile person around.

    • natteringyeahrobber

      I can only hope there is a Twilight-themed retirement home in our future (maybe the name of the retirement home can be Bleeding Roses, that, or Grannies-n-Trannies, or maybe Breaking Hips). I don’t think we’ll need drugs as long as there is a steady stream of fan-produced clips on the wide-screen, full body Jacob pillows, and pureed berry cobbler for dinner every night.

    • Team Seth

      Wow, talk about your Tardis Tales!

  • Anonymous

    Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It’s not me, it’s you, you make me miserable. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons…
    Good Morning everyone~ :)

    • Anonymous

      Ha! Hope the weather eases up for you soon, Cyn!
      Hearing about the rest of the country’s winter problems makes me feel almost guilty out here on the West Coast. We did get some pretty thick fog the other day . . .

      • Anonymous

        LOL..You SHOULD feel guilty!! Either that or invite us all to your place.. :)

      • Anonymous

        Totally guilty. My friend in Chicago said they had been issued a “life threatening storm alert” (yikes! life threatening?). Me: “…uh, it rained 2 days in a row last week, total bummer” and “fog didn’t burn off until 9 a.m.” (I know, I know, suck it NoCal girl). I do pull out the earthquake card as necessary though, as in, “sorry about the 20 inches of snow, but in any minute, my office building could fall into the Pacific Ocean.”

        • Anonymous

          That’s right. Never mind the snowstorms, we’re all living on borrowed time out here.

        • Team Seth

          I like to pull the volcano card… the beginning of the volcanic mtn chain is only 20 blocks from my house after all! But then, the bulk of the people I know live in Florida, so…

      • Team Seth

        Wait, are you in Cali?

        • Anonymous

          Nat and I both live in San Francisco.

          Don’t you live in Portland? I saw a show the other day about a mega-tsunami that could devastate the Pacific Northwest at any time. I know Portland is inland, but apparently it could travel up the river and that’s that. How’s the weather up there?

          • Team Seth

            Yeah, mega-tsunami.. whatevs. I’ve lived through Florida’s 2004 hurricane season. Bring it. (ok, but not really weather gods! I’m happy w/no tsunami and just the cute little tsunami evacuation signs with the guy running away from the tidal wave)

            It’s sunny and clear today!!!!! And cold (well cold for us, I won’t give degrees just in case people get mad)… no moisture to warm us up. But… it’s been straight up Forks weather for months, sans benefits.

            San Fran! If I got to travel for work, I’d come and visit… but they’re all not into that for me because I’m not cool enough (aka, my job has zero need for travel).

          • natteringyeahrobber

            Can’t you make up some conference you need to attend? That’s what I do. Advanced Microsoft Paint Character Representational Analysis Workshop? Well, if you can get clearance to attend, drinks are on me.

        • Anonymous

          Nat and I both live in San Francisco.

          Don’t you live in Portland? I saw a show the other day about a mega-tsunami that could devastate the Pacific Northwest at any time. I know Portland is inland, but apparently it could travel up the river and that’s that. How’s the weather up there?

  • Anonymous

    Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It’s not me, it’s you, you make me miserable. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons…
    Good Morning everyone~ :)

  • Anonymous

    If you, ladies, say that emails are real, so I do believe.

    You ask if I want to write you a letter? No. Thank you, anyway.

    I Have a question? Yes, please ask the Twisaga author if she will release Midnight Sun, someday.

    Rereading the Saga? No. absolutely. Love turned into hate. And that´s what take me to the next question on

    Have an observation? Yes I have an observation to write down, but it can be resumed in a few words:

    Mrs. Meyer, please, you must understand: Edward doesn´t belong to you anymore. Once, he belonged to you in Twilight, the first book, but from then on EDWARD IS OURS, from little girls to grandmas. Thus if you still have something to tell about Edward, do it through Midnight Sun, soon.

    Want to profess your love for Stephenie/Summit Entertainment? No way.

    Rob estou com saudades, I am missing you, badly.

    Love
    Me

  • KL☼ W4E♥ Ami♣ BD1♂ BD2♀

    LMAO @ “I think the 5th book should be called “Midnight Sun”. Get in line.”

    I agree! I agree! I agree! ♥

  • OpalMist5412000

    Hey there are Alot of us twihard grannies out there!!!!!! I’m in Louisianna and can’t get a peek of my Edward!!!!!! I’m about 30 miles from Baton Rouge and have been there Many times! I’ll give it to Scummit this time ……….NO LEAKS!!!!! BOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! But I won’t give up………my sister is a Twight grannie also and together we will prevail! We Love our Edward!!!!!!

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