Sometimes we get funny DM’s, like unintentionally funny DM’s especially from a funny lil site called Gossip Cop that has made it their mission to debunk celeb rumors and for whatever reason (read: traffic) they love them some Robsten. So when I got the following message:
And of course I immediately fwd-ed it to UC and said “we have to role play this!” Cause we’re not above acting the fool for this site and if that means doing a little Rob/Kristen roleplay then we’re down, cause it’s not like we haven’t done it before! So we started but then as schedules would have it UC has to leave so I was in the lurch who could I ask to role play Rob and Kristen in couple’s counseling with and not seem like a total looney tune? BROOKELOCKART that’s who! Because when you have the following convo…
Moon: hi, wanna role play rob and kristen in couples counseling with me?
Brooke: Haha sure hold on
Moon: ok for your refrence when you’re ready the post
Brooke: okay, I haven’t roll played R and K before… so bare with me
Moon: ahaha… its weird but just BE them hahaha
Brooke: so I’ll be K i’ll let my inner kbitch out
Moon: ok, here we go… safeword if you need to
after ALL that you KNOW you have a good friend if they’re willing to do the following with you…
Therapist: So Rob you called me to set up with appointment and it’s great you’re being proactive about your relationship, but let’s start with kristen… why dont you tell me why we’re here
Kristen: We are here because he can’t live in the moment. I am in the here and now. Rob’s caught up in the yet to be and he’s holding out sex.
Rob: But kristen, I just want us to be exclusive and committed and you cant seem to give me that i just want to tell the world about us! why won’t you let me?!
Kristen: I don’t need to justify what I may or may not feel to the world i bake you loquat pies, isn’t that enough?
Rob: but if you’re not officially with Rob you could be with anyone! you could leave me for someone else
Kristen: Who would I be dating? We’ve been filming all this time.
Rob: Michael Oregano… there’s HISTORY a Jonas brother! TAYLOR LAUTNER you guys are close!
Kristen: See, Dr. Therapist, THIS is why we are here. this is ridiculous. The only Jonas Brother left is like 15 and if I’m going that young I might as well snag the Biebs. I don’t conform to what society tells us relationships are supposed to be.
Therapist: what’s this i hear about a Tom Sturridge? is he an interloper?
Rob: NO NO!!! he’s my friend he’s been there forever. He lets me show more PDA with him than Kristen does! Maybe I should be worried about Tom and Kristen they were shooting a movie together
Kristen: Tom’s fun. He’s less serious then some people I know.
Rob: SERIOUS?! ME?! i’m JUMPING ROB for pete’s sake whats not fun about me?!
Kristen: GAH. UGH. *bitchface*
Rob: i wear the same shirt every day! i play a vampire, i joke about body odor to strangers! I’M FUN! I’m giving you all the fun you can handle! And i havent even gotten the board games out yet!
Kristen: Rob, you won’t leave my side. You upset my director in Montreal. How am I supposed to be taken as serious when you live up my ass?
Rob: NO I DIDNT!!! he was just jealous of my beasite boys shirt and besides it was “MOANtreal” if i remember correctly… if i can please you in the bedroom why wont you let me in public?
Rob: you let Oregano please you in public, in VANCOUVER!
Kristen: I was high.
Therapist: Yes, kristen why dont you like PDA?
Kristen: It’s not that I don’t like PDA, But .. well, fine… sometimes there are small pieces of hot pocket left in Rob’s teeth after lunch and.. just… ew
Rob: WHAT?! i brought us to couples counseling because you don’t like broccoli cheese? I thought you liked 3 cheese pizza!i stick with you when you wear that same shirt every day
Kristen: that is so different- i do not wear it in my MOUTH
We learn what Rob’s love languages are and whether he’s really ready to get married after the jump
Therapist: Rob, just because your love language is touch and physical doesnt mean Kristens is… you need to respect that. She may not want to buy underwear in public with you, thats what you have friends for Rob, why do you need the validation of PDA?
Rob: Well, I’ve heard some say I’m over compensating for something or that its because of my “beard” which I dont get AT ALL!
Kristen: *Rolls eyes*
Rob: why would i need to have PDA because of my beard?! So i shaved it
Kristen: People think you need a beard because they think you’re gay
Rob: WHHHHAAA???!!! Gay? I’m Engish, I have man friends, and I giggle, THIS makes me gay??
Kristen: I mean, you are more emotional than most women…it’s not that far of a stretch and I do have the body of a 13-yr-old boy
Rob: I just feel deeply…. its like i can read peoples minds…
Kristen: I like when you feel deeply
Rob: and for the record, I love bone-y bodies I like to wonder whether its a boob or a shoulder blade when we’re making out
Kristen: I’m NOT that flat chested!
*crosses arms over chest*
Rob: Less to love!!
Therapist: so Kristen it looks like rob is ready for a big commitment, ie marriage, do you think he’s ready at 23 years old? and are you at 20? you cant even legally drink or rent cars…
Kristen: I want to live in the here and now, I said this before. How can I commit to marriage when I am going to be the next big serious actress. SERIOUS. I mean, Twilight is going to open so many doors for me. When you are married, the WE comes before ME. I’m too young to come second
Rob: yes you are very serious dear. VERY. I believe in you! But what 23 ALMOST 24 year old successful actor with women throwing themselves at me and more money than god would NOT want to get married at this age?!
Kristen: I need a cigarette
Rob: and what 20 year old girl with loads of money, wolf hybrids to breed and SERIOUS movies to make wouldnt want to marry ME?! i mean we’re already living in palatial pads all over the world together!
Kristen: Rob, why can’t you just be happy with what we have?
Rob: why not make it official to the world?
Kristen: believe the magicness… the magicness only happens behind closed doors
Rob: but EVERYONE needs to see the magicness
Kristen: i mean, when’s the last time we got it going on the bearskin rug?
Rob: Just the other day I was on it cleaning out the crumbs from when we ordered in pizza, I gave you a look but you wouldn’t join me in the crumbs and matted bear fur… sad.
Therapist: Tell us more Rob, why do you REALLY want to get married, to keep Kristen?
Rob: what about your future costars!? What if you have an amazing audition with Viggo Mortenson for Snow White and the Huntsmen?
Kristen: *looks hopeful*
Rob: I’m scared there wont be a Catherine Hardwicke around to talk about it and remind us EVERY DAY
Kristen: *sigh* Rob… you have to believe the magicness.
Rob: I BELIEVE! oh I BELIEVE
Therapist: ok so can we make some concessions here?
Kristen: *bitch faces*
Rob: like if she stops complaining about my boy friends, i’ll stop putting my hands within 5 feet of her?
Therapist: sure… and maybe once a month Kristen will agree to go out with you in public…. Kristen? anything to add that you can agree to?
Kristen: I promise that I may be okay with wrist holding
Rob: OH MY GOD! this is really something…
Kristen: NOT ALL THE TIME.
Rob: it’s been like over a year since we held wrists! Doctor, this is a huge break through, maybe we can invite you to the wedding!!!
Rob: IS THAT A YES?!
Rob: Tom already has his best man dress – suit picked out! YEA!!!!!
Kristen: I don’t care what you and your hobo friends picked out.
Rob: IT’S PLAID ALL PLAID!!! and all NOT WASHED! it’ll be beautiful
Kristen: SEE this is always the issue, you are so jacked up that you make me seem bitchy. DOC, doesn’t he make me seem bitchy?
Therapist:… hmmm this might be what we I the business call projection… WELL look at the time…. I think you guys have a movie to make!
Ok, we creeped each other out enough at this point so we had to stop… so according to the gossip you two are in couples counseling… if that’s the truth just end it now. You’re not even out of your early 20s, you can’t admit to being together or not being together and you’re in couples counseling? Just saw HALE NAH and move on friends. Or at least tell us why this “source” thinks Rob is so mature… we’d love to know why.
Off to my LARP-ing weekend,
Now THAT is a friend you guys! Someone who will act like a couple of actors in couples counseling based on a gossip site’s news for our blog. Someone give BrookeLockhart a hand (and a follow) and maybe an Oscar for her nuanced use of Kristen’s most well known characteristics and body language! A fine performance.
What do you think of the news? Total crap? Why would they be in counseling and what would you ask them if you were the therapist?
Source: Gossip Cop