Red Riding Hood or Twilight or just plain awesomely awful? I can’t decide

(Total spoilers ahead if you really wanted to see Red Riding Hood unspoiled)

Director of Twilight you say???

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Sooooo I saw your latest movie Red Riding Hood on Saturday and let me just say WOW. And then I’m going to follow that with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!?!?! My friend and I decided to hit up a matinee of Red Riding Hood based on an interesting trailer and our love for cute boys in fantasy type films. We smuggled in some Haribo and Diet Cokes and it was ON. The opening credits rolled and we both turned to each other and said “what movie are we watching?” Cause the opening sequence could have been lost footage from the first Twilight film, all that was missing was that Black Ghosts song and Charlie picking Bella up in the squad car. BUUTTT what do you know ol Charlie I mean… whatever Billy Burke’s character’s name is was THE DAD! Anyway, so you love a good overhead helicopter shot of snowy woods on mountain tops, I can understand that and really the Twilight rip off aren’t the issue. When we’re only 5 minutes into a film and the audience is openly laughing out loud at what’s supposed to be a dramatic movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong. The last time I saw a movie where people laughed out loud like this was Crossroads with Britney Spears in the early 2000’s. Yikes! And yet again we turned to each other but this time it was my pal saying “this is really awful, isn’t it?” Um, yea pal it is AWESOMELY AWFUL! We’re talking Syfy Channel level of awesomely awful! It was like we were watching The Village meets Ring of Nibelungs meets Twilight.
.

Say it! Out Loud! SAY IT: Fairey Tale!

The Twilight similarities could go on for days beyond the opening title sequence and Billy Burke being the Dad to the insane amount of close ups of the eyes to the werewolf looking like a first draft of the New Moon wolves to the MEADOW scene with Amanda Seyfried and Edward #2 (he was second in line for Edward after Rob!) to the love triangle to the “say it out loud” part to werewolves to the “specially abled kid.” Ok, so there wasn’t a specially abled kid in Twilight, unless you consider BooBoo/Seth special.
.
.

Now why don't you try acting more like ME this time...

I won’t even go into the REALLY awkwardly sexual town dance sequence (that I’ve since reenacted twice for friends) but that’s about the moment I had an epiphany. Red Riding Hood is really the film adaptation of your cougar lady Ren. Faire Harlequin romance novel fan fic you wrote on vacation last year. Cause who really has names like Valerie and Cesaire and Henry and Suzette and Claude if they’re not in a Fanfic or Soap Opera? After I realized THAT it all made sense… the main character was a blond who gets it on with a guy who was almost Edward who has a dad who wakes up in a pile of his own vomit and has a slutty mom. It was YOUR version of Twilight with YOU as the main character… only sadly you are less Aman anda Seyfried and more a younger version of the Grandma. (sad trombone)
.

Don't worry Cathi... I mean grandma it's only FREEZING COLD SNOWING outside

Now my only other question remains: is there a lurid audition tape of Shiloh Fernandez and Amanda Seyfriend (Amandiloh? Shiman?) you’re going to hold over theirs heads, refer to and pull out anytime you do press for movies other than Red Riding Hood in the future?

Yup, I thought so.

Still LOL-ing,
Themoonisdown
.

Follow the cut for more questions and observations from Red Riding Hood. I really just couldn’t fit all the awesome into one post

Things I’m still wondering about Red Riding Hood that we’ll never find out

The meadow... the forest... whatever

– Was that one friend near the end Michael Arangano’s sister or Oregano in a wig?

– Why was it snowing throughout 3/4ths of the movie yet the costumes were short sleeved?

– Why did the snow appear to be white sand at the end of movie?

– How did Nikki Reed dodge this bullet?

– What the crap was the Elephant med evil torture device? WHY an elephant? Why not a trojan horse?

Letters to Max - The only redeeming thing about this

– If Henry (Max Irons) was Valerie’s (Amanda) only hope of getting out of there because he was rich, why was he a BLACKSMITH?! Did the blacksmith make tons more than a wood cutter?

– What were those names??

– What did Max Irons and Gary Oldman do in another life to deserve this?

– Did Billy Burke live drunk tweet the entire shoot?

– FOR REALZ did Cathi cast herself as the Grandma? The braids, the groovy pad, the beachy hippie chick vibes. ALL Cathi Hardi!


What might have been…

So who else saw this tour de force over the weekend? Should Cathi stick to docu style PRESENT DAY movies? Did any one like this? Was your theater audience laughing out loud too? Do you plan on doing THE DANCE at every club and medieval role playing weekend event you go to from now on? I AM!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

 

  • Anonymous

    No, I didn’t expect this movie to be any good or not-like-Twilight and YES, I’m going to see it anyway. Just for the fun.

    PS I liked Cathi Hardi’s Lords of Dogtown.

    • Moon

      we both thought she should stick to movies that are NOT period or fantasy.

      its a fun watch for the total lunacy of it! enjoy girl!

  • JodieO

    I saw it. It made me think that Cathi must have some sort of blackmail over Billy B and Gary Oldman. Though I think someone must have told Gary O that it was some kind of over the top camp thriller, because that’s how he played it. And THAT would have made the movie brilliant. Sadly the earnestness of the rest of the actors just made it embarrassing. Well, except Billy B who seemed to play the role as if he’d rather be somewhere cutting off his own foot with a dull spoon…

  • Anonymous

    The Village meets The Ring of the Niebelungs meets Twilight.
    Soooo, have to see this movie now!! Except, I’ll be terribly disappointed that thePretty face is missing :(

  • RachelB

    So I take it this movie is NOT scary?

    • JodieO

      Well, it’s scary in the sense that they somehow conned people like Gary Oldman, Julie Christie, and Christine Willes to be in it…

      • Stacey

        Ha! Ha! Maybe Cath got them drunk with cougaritas so they would sign their contracts.

        Poor Billy Burke! Never mind, he was just in that new Nicholas Cage movie. The reviews for that one were AWFUL! He needs to channel his inner Charlie and pick out some good movies to be in. Maybe the mustache holds all of his acting power. Hmm…

        • JodieO

          Chris Weitz tweeted the other day that everyone in the trailer looked like they were on meth.. he may have been on to something..

          • Anonymous

            LOL. Billy just tweeted “Thanks everyone for the too kind words about #RedRidingHood. Just waiting now for an offer from @DAVID_A_SLADE to play Rumpelstiltskin”

          • JodieO

            See? Even Billy knows! I think Cougar Cath roofied his Vitamin R and when he woke up he was dressed like Robin Hood and was contractually obligated to be on set and recite lines even if he didn’t like it.

  • operarose

    Hmm… I think I’ll be okay with waiting for this one on DVD.

    • nocoolname

      Yep. Wait for it to be in Redbox. Judging by all the reviews I’ve read, that should take about 10 minutes.

      • Stacey

        I think I’ll wait until comes on Showtime. No reason to actually pay money for it. We already get Showtime anyway. They’ll have a marathon with Twilight and New Moon. Wait! There can be a drinking game! Drink when there’s an unintentionally funny bit of dialogue! Definitely not Stephenie approved, but I think our buddy Cathy will give it two thumbs up.

        • Anonymous

          Or maybe drink any time we feel bad for Billy Burke, Julie Christie, or Virginia Madsen (have a shot on their behalf). And drink anytime Gary Oldman rocks his purple velvet suit. And drink anytime someone gets put into the elephant torture oven. Actually, my alcohol tolerance level will probably be put to test within the first 10 minutes.

          Hopefully the DVD commentary will be entirely by Gary Oldman.

  • http://www.suburbanscreen.com BelleEpoque

    I think we all knew this was going to be a disaster. I really liked her Nativity Story movie. Thought it was great.

    • ChillinWithCullens

      that was HER?! I watch that one every Christmas Eve, but now I have a new appreciation for it!

  • MariaCecilia

    Okaay..so it hasn’t opened here yet, but I guess I MIGHT go see it once I’ve seen The King’s speech (Colin!), Winter’s bone (Jennifer!) and True Grit (Cohen brothers!). Not high on my list of priorities now that you’ve picked it apart. I can just go back and read this blog for the awesomeness.. :-) Sad for Cathy the Cougar, though. When will she ever get to do the make-out scenes with Edward in person?? Okay, so she gets millions in a budget to film her own fan fic: I guess I am not so sad for her now that I come to think of it. Me, I’m stuck re-enacting these things in my head! :-(

  • Kkat Adams

    In the words of one of my friends: so I saw red riding hood… it only got one star but it was good in an awful kind of way.:)

  • Anonymous

    Kind of feel sorry for old Chatty Cathy–her teasing ways with the “audition tape” have come back to bite her. I saw some press interviews she was doing for RRH and that is the only thing any interviewer wants to talk to her about: the deets on when and how the Magic happened.

    • Anonymous

      So true. Every interview had to mention it, even when she tried (not very hard) to sidestep it. Even Amanda’s interviews had questions about “chemistry” with actors like R and K. Kinda sad Cath.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been curious to see it and knew it would be bad in an awesome way, as you say. I’m glad you wrote this today, because I was thinking about seeing it sometime during the week, late at night when no one else would be there. Now that I know just how awesomely bad it is, I can’t justify that $8 – especially since I would have no one to cringe and laugh with. Defs waiting for the rental so I can take it over to a friend’s house and we can mock it together.

  • Anonymous

    OT – I’m loving that there are Unicorns outing themselves by liking LTT on FB. 1,673 people that like it so far. Is that how many really read here and never comment?! Impressive.
    And how many more haven’t liked it yet? <—me.

    • cosi bella

      Came across this website recently called “Gay for Taylor” Run by a straight guy who is gay JUST for Taylor Lautner. *giggle*

      Makes me feel more ‘normal’ cos if a straight guy can be persuaded to go gay over one individual – what hope was there for me?

      His choice of screen caps and video clips are EXACTLY my favorite taylor moments – and capture the breathtaking physical gorgeousness that is MR. L.

      Could this guy be the Ultimate Unicorn of the Twi-dom?

      • Bubs

        Thanks Cosi. I’m going straight to THAT site after I finish having my giggles here for today. I STILL can’t believe he’s gay-nooooo, I refuse to believe it ! I’m keeping my fantasies and he’s certainly NOT gay in those !!!!

        • sweetinator88

          wait… who’s gay??

          • cosi bella

            Sweetinator,

            I was talking about this website run buy a MAN: http://gayfortaylorlautner.tumblr.com/post/2613912888/throwing-a-grape-can-be-very-sexy-taylors-the

            Who says this:

            “To cut to the chase: I love Taylor Lautner, he is my idol. Yes, I am a guy but does it matter? I would turn gay for him. I am straight but I refuse to accept that you are not allowed to find another man attractive if you’re one yourself. ”

            Hence my question: Is he the ultimate unicorn of the twidom?

            As an aside, there’s also been a lot of blind vice claims that Mr. L himself does indeed bat for the other team and that his so called string of “love interests” are simply fauxmances i.e. hollywood PR ploys otherwise known as “beards”.

          • sweetinator88

            well i got all that lol
            i just didnt know anyone thought Taylor Lautner was gay so i was confused about that part

        • Anonymous

          ZOMG that is a fabulous tumblr. I could watch this gif all day long: http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_li1tc1Y9LR1qd41g8o1_500.gif

          Also: TL (or rather, Jacob) pitches for other team quite a bit in FF, it’s sort of awesome (and/or i am a perv!)

          • Anonymous

            Although that wasn’t my fav SNL moment with TL (go biology lab!!) I think he was pretty awesome! That gif is hilarious!!

          • Anonymous

            If I had my very own Twilight blog, the tagline would be, “I wanna talk about it for a thousand recesses!”

          • Anonymous

            YES!!!! And, “if those abs are real the dude that plays Jacob deserves an Oscar.”

          • sweetinator88

            “Then why does he sparkle like a princess’s tiara?!”

            Her whole speech on how she came to love Jacob is hiiiiiilaaaaarious! hahaha

          • Anonymous

            That entire skit is so full of WIN!!!!

          • sweetinator88

            indeed!!!
            one of the best SNL episodes everrrrrrr!

          • Anonymous

            another fave:

            “Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.”

            I actually tell myself this with various Rob objects I have ;)

          • sweetinator88

            hahaha!!!

          • cosi bella

            ok well yah just picked out the most physically unflattering pics dincha?

            Check out the rest of the stuff and not just the first page – there’s page after page of goodness ….a one stop ogle shop.

            *fangirling alert!* heck after 10 mins gorgeosity overload going through this stuff – I’m like meh who gives a cr*p which way he swings….

          • Anonymous

            “a one stop ogle shop” ha ha! Those abs are certainly impressive, and yeah, I don’t honestly care which way he swings either!

            TayLau seems like a lovely kid, I suppose my only reservation is that I am not so into BarelyLegal…I am not quite old enough to be his mom, but close enough! *shudder*

            I will still ogle the abs, though. :)

      • Anonymous

        I had to wait all day before checking this site….I love this unicorn.

  • ChillinWithCullens

    Awww, Cathy Hardi must miss the old gang…I think I’d just send a text saying so though …not remake an entire movie…

  • 30yearoldtwifan

    LoL Yeah I normally do not post here. But I had too say thanks. I am SO waiting for this one too come on Netflix! I kind of could tell from the interviews ALL of them, all they did was talk about Twilight from the actors too Miss H herself. Now I know why. This is Twilight 2 with an Elephant and square dancing!! LMAO

  • cosi bella

    ooh i was waiting for a RRH review – thanks ladies.

    Well I haven’t seen it. But poor Cathy trying to give us what we want tho right?

    I love romance movies!! I want more hardcore romance movies!!! Curious why RRH fell flat. Is it just the twilight similarities that made it lame? or was it standalone lame?

    Your Billy Burke comment.. I’m thinking of the Brat Pack – Rob lowe, Andrew McCarthy etc. They made similar film after similar film with the same actors and seemed to pull it off right?

    I’ve gotta go watch this movie now out of curiosity.

    • Anonymous

      But the Brat Pack made similar movies together. Maybe RRH just needed more Twi-cast in it – like maybe Buttcrack Santa as the guy who offered to put his bread sticks in RRH’s basket, or Mr. Molina as one of the people who gets thrown in the elephant oven. Or maybe a cameo by SM, looking at a scroll in a cafe. Mike Newton as one of the village idiots, something like that.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry, can’t resist “How you likin’ this B movie hell, Lilly Kane?”

      • cosi bella

        Well let’s do that then! the whole twilight cast should make movie after movie together bratpack style!

        oh the possibilities and permutations would be endless…

  • sweetinator88

    The trailers for RRH and Twilight were like almost identical hahaha
    I need to see this now!

  • JustGoWithIt

    I did read a review that described it as “For Twi-hards that are in withdrawal”. And I am!!

    • Anonymous

      Yah, but I have a feeling it’s like drinking caffeine-free Coke when you are having espresso withdrawals, or eating carob (or worse, white chocolate) when you are in chocolate withdrawals, or cozying up to Susan Boyle when you are having cozying up to Rob Pattinson withdrawals (see today’s LTR for reference). In other words, some semblance of what you are craving, but no satisfaction.

      • JustGoWithIt

        I loved the Susan Boyle comparison. No, I can’t imagine it would satisfy the craving. They only thing that does that a bit is reading LTT.
        Or finding another book/series that is really enjoyable, while reading Sookie series my Twi-thoughts went way down. I will forever be comparing books to Twilight (enjoyment level anyway, not how many angsty teens, vampires and werewolves are in the book, or how many times the words “retorted”, “snarled”, and “delicious breath” are used).

        • JustGoWithIt

          delicious breath note: I (not on purpose) pictured Edward’s delicious icy breath smelling like coconut ice pops or cotton candy. Or like a pina colada. Even though I don’t like the smell of cotton candy or pina coladas. I could makeout with a coconut ice pop though.

          • Anonymous

            Mmmm, now I wish he had strawberry daiquiri breath. Yum.

        • Anonymous

          My words are always “incredulous”, “eyeroll”, “chagrin”. I like to throw out incredulous eyerolling in random sentences now!

  • http://twitter.com/AmberRMW Amber

    You just made me want to see this movie even more. Thanks for basically forcing me to waste my money JUST so I can get THE DANCE reference.

  • JustGoWithIt

    Another note. Edward #2 looks kind of short. I’m glad they went with someone tall. They made Jacob short instead of tall, and that’s fine, and there is nothing wrong with being short, I’ve had short boyfriends, not a problem for me. But I’m glad they made Edward tall. It would have been weird if both Edward and Jacob were short guys, especially with Kristen being like 5’6” (I think?). They would have had to have cast a shorter girl, and it would be like Twilight the mini edition.

  • JustGoWithIt

    Okay so I looked it up and according to the internet Shiloh and Taylor are both around 5’10”, not exactly short. I’m going to correct myself and say not tall.

    • cosi bella

      from what I’ve read Taylor is 5’7″ -5’8″

      • JustGoWithIt

        Good old internet info, we’ll never know.

  • http://twitter.com/Freaky_Bella Freaky_Bella

    I saw it. And it was entertaining enough I suppose. But the only truly redeeming part was Billy Burke ;)

    • http://twitter.com/EyesofAmberBlog Amber

      I have to agree. There were two highlights to this movie for me, the Water for Elephants trailer beforehand, and Billy Burke.

      • http://twitter.com/Freaky_Bella Freaky_Bella

        oh! I was so hoping for the WFE trailer before — but they didn’t play it at my theatre! :(

      • yummyforRob

        The Water for Elephants trailer was the best part of the movie!!! LOL can’t wait to see it!!

  • http://twitter.com/EyesofAmberBlog Amber

    So glad to know I’m not the only one who thought the dance scene was beyond awkward! And the short sleeves really bugged me too.

    I left saying that I was definitely glad that Shiloh was not cast for Twilight because he is certainly no Edward. I may have been all for Peter when I read the book, but in the movie, Max Irons totally won me over as Henry. Just what was Red smoking when she wasn’t on screen?

    The thing that bugged me the most was how Twilighty the music was. It was like nails on a chalkboard to me. Not that I don’t love that music, but I love it as Twilight, not in this. At one point I may have expected jumping Rob to burst through the clouds and save her. ;)

    I had read the book and went to see the movie so I could find out who the wolf was. In that respect, I was not disappointed so it was worth my $8.25, which happens to be more than I paid for the book.

  • Anonymous

    I am pretty sure I will see this, just…because. But it looks *awful*. I read a review that was like, “wait, before you judge Hardwicke too much, go see Thirteen. That was really good. I am not sure what is happening here. Maybe some sort of menopausal estrogen thing? IDK…”

    And the short sleeve thing will bug me. It was bad in Eclipse when they were all “ZOMG it’s so cold Beller’s gonna freeze get the space heater dog in herez” and then the next morning she’s all, “ooh snow! this flannel is plenty warm”…this is what happens when Californians make movies.

  • Anonymous

    All this talk about elephants just gets me more excited for another elephant movie coming out soon! ;) But after reading WFE elephant tortue just makes me sad :(

  • http://www.karenadixon.com Karena

    I had such low expectations but my curiosity got the best of me. I liked all the eye candy. People and set. The dance…yes, we just too weird. I wasn’t making comparisons. I walked away saying that the character development…or lack of…sucked. But that seems to be how she directs films. Am I going to rush out and buy no. I was hoping for a great soundtrack. Didn’t get that. I thought it was “visually dynamic” :)

    • Anonymous

      You know, when I first saw Twilight, I was not blown away. I thought oh, well, OK film, nice aerial photography and panoramic shots. Chemistry between characters decent, but the character development & relationships were all rushed. The script wasn’t particularly impressive – just sorta blah. Vampire baseball scene screamed B movie. But then a few weeks later, I felt compelled to watch it again. And then I started noticing more & more things. And watched it several more times over the year. Then I realized my number was actually up the first time I saw it. Maybe RRH will have that same effect on me.

      • Karena

        The first twilight film is what compelled me to read the books. My daughter begged me to watch it with her. I did so reluctantly. I wouldn’t let her read the books when she was younger. I thought vampires…teenagers. What a stupid concept. Go read Jane Austen instead. Anyway, I was fascinated by the story in the end but felt like the film was lacking something. There just had to be more to these characters. I had read all the books by the end of the week.

  • Merrick

    Daahhhling, you expected something different??? I was in with this movie cuz of Gary Oldman & studio track record, then I found out CH directed it.
    The 1st Twilight movie is all about her and her camera. The story & actors are there to make it look legit.
    I’m telling you, go back and watch Twilight. Specifically to watch how, where & when the camera moves(esp The Meadow) & THE BLUE. It’s all about what CH wants you to think & feel not about the telling a story. There’s no room for interpretation.
    THE BLUE, have you forgotten THE BLUE!?!

    • Anonymous

      How could you forget the blue?

  • twiprof

    as funny as you are moon, I am not deterred…..I cant wait to escape into a world that cathi has created…next weekend, I have a date with my husband and I am going to drag him to the movie, poor thing. I happen to teach 5 different cultural variations of red riding hood in a children’s lit class, so I am fascinated with what this version will look like. I know the cheese factor is there, but I will indulge myself and torture my hubby, just because cathi directed it….I hope I won’t giggle thinking of your commentary…..

  • Anonymous

    I can resist not knowing glory of awkward village square dance, or the working intricacies of elephant torture oven(!?!? It’s LRRH yes?) but unless someone spills on the wigs I’m going to have to go see the stupid movie.

  • Anonymous

    Crap, where is @TeamSeth? I fear she’s been sucked into a vortex of back to back LRRH showings by Billy Burkes green tights (please tell me he wears Robin Hood green tights).

  • Anonymous

    Today seems to be National Procrastination Day, so I give you: More CHardi news: “C: I hope to make Hamlet. I’m very excited about that project; it’s got beautiful songs and poetry and it’s an amazing radical work.”
    https://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/red-riding-hood-director-catherine-hardwicke-author-sarah-blakley-cartwright-in-conversation_b25414#more-25414

    You. Guys. I do not recall SONGS in Hamlet. Did I read the wrong version?!

    • sweetinator88

      oh noooooo!!! please Cathy Hardi please don’t do Hamlet!

    • Anonymous

      I saw a musical version of Hamlet back in college. Only it had weird experimental music and no dialogue, just acting/miming. I tried reallllly hard not to laugh the entire performance and at some point had to leave the theatre so I could get the giggles out.Hopefully Coug’s will also push the radical limits. A Twilight cast reunion for Hamlet is for sure in order. Yorkie and Newton as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

  • yummyforRob

    I thought the movie was really cheesy!!! The only part I liked was looking at that Shiloh Fernandez dude, he was a hottie!!! But I got uncomfortable during the dirty dancing of their time part of the movie, and as hot as Shiloh may be his dancing skills are not that great. And the grandma I thought she was Cathi Hardi’s mom for crying out loud!!! She looked so much like her. Movie was just plain weird. Sigh….. I was hoping for a new Twilight like movie. But love your thoughts on it too!! Always love reading your posts of twilight and rob. Thanks again for making laugh!!

  • MarieAnne

    Best thing about this movie was I had a free popcorn coupon that I redeemed and some couple in front of me had just met on Match…
    there conversation…. I think it was there first date….was way more entertaining than this waste of film! Hope Cathie banked some money from Twilight…she might need it for the future!

  • ellsbells

    I saw it last night. Painfully bad movie. I think your breakdown was spot on–it was so ridiculous. I feel really bad for the cast.

  • Pingback: Letters to Rob()

  • Anonymous

    I plan to watch RRH, but with no one to watch it with, will have to wait for the DVD (to rent, not buy of course). I expect it to be cheezy, especially after the mention of a dance, WTH?!

  • Jij1994

    Red Riding Hood is more beatiful than twilight.twilight isnt attractive and its story is very rerun movie!!i dont like it:)please make a new movie!we dont want twilight anymore!

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