(Total spoilers ahead if you really wanted to see Red Riding Hood unspoiled)
Dear Catherine Hardwicke,
Sooooo I saw your latest movie Red Riding Hood on Saturday and let me just say WOW. And then I’m going to follow that with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!?!?! My friend and I decided to hit up a matinee of Red Riding Hood based on an interesting trailer and our love for cute boys in fantasy type films. We smuggled in some Haribo and Diet Cokes and it was ON. The opening credits rolled and we both turned to each other and said “what movie are we watching?” Cause the opening sequence could have been lost footage from the first Twilight film, all that was missing was that Black Ghosts song and Charlie picking Bella up in the squad car. BUUTTT what do you know ol Charlie I mean… whatever Billy Burke’s character’s name is was THE DAD! Anyway, so you love a good overhead helicopter shot of snowy woods on mountain tops, I can understand that and really the Twilight rip off aren’t the issue. When we’re only 5 minutes into a film and the audience is openly laughing out loud at what’s supposed to be a dramatic movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong. The last time I saw a movie where people laughed out loud like this was Crossroads with Britney Spears in the early 2000’s. Yikes! And yet again we turned to each other but this time it was my pal saying “this is really awful, isn’t it?” Um, yea pal it is AWESOMELY AWFUL! We’re talking Syfy Channel level of awesomely awful! It was like we were watching The Village meets Ring of Nibelungs meets Twilight.
The Twilight similarities could go on for days beyond the opening title sequence and Billy Burke being the Dad to the insane amount of close ups of the eyes to the werewolf looking like a first draft of the New Moon wolves to the MEADOW scene with Amanda Seyfried and Edward #2 (he was second in line for Edward after Rob!) to the love triangle to the “say it out loud” part to werewolves to the “specially abled kid.” Ok, so there wasn’t a specially abled kid in Twilight, unless you consider BooBoo/Seth special.
I won’t even go into the REALLY awkwardly sexual town dance sequence (that I’ve since reenacted twice for friends) but that’s about the moment I had an epiphany. Red Riding Hood is really the film adaptation of your cougar lady Ren. Faire Harlequin romance novel fan fic you wrote on vacation last year. Cause who really has names like Valerie and Cesaire and Henry and Suzette and Claude if they’re not in a Fanfic or Soap Opera? After I realized THAT it all made sense… the main character was a blond who gets it on with a guy who was almost Edward who has a dad who wakes up in a pile of his own vomit and has a slutty mom. It was YOUR version of Twilight with YOU as the main character… only sadly you are less Aman anda Seyfried and more a younger version of the Grandma. (sad trombone)
Now my only other question remains: is there a lurid audition tape of Shiloh Fernandez and Amanda Seyfriend (Amandiloh? Shiman?) you’re going to hold over theirs heads, refer to and pull out anytime you do press for movies other than Red Riding Hood in the future?
Yup, I thought so.
Follow the cut for more questions and observations from Red Riding Hood. I really just couldn’t fit all the awesome into one post
Things I’m still wondering about Red Riding Hood that we’ll never find out
– Was that one friend near the end Michael Arangano’s sister or Oregano in a wig?
– Why was it snowing throughout 3/4ths of the movie yet the costumes were short sleeved?
– Why did the snow appear to be white sand at the end of movie?
– How did Nikki Reed dodge this bullet?
– What the crap was the Elephant med evil torture device? WHY an elephant? Why not a trojan horse?
– If Henry (Max Irons) was Valerie’s (Amanda) only hope of getting out of there because he was rich, why was he a BLACKSMITH?! Did the blacksmith make tons more than a wood cutter?
– What were those names??
– What did Max Irons and Gary Oldman do in another life to deserve this?
– Did Billy Burke live drunk tweet the entire shoot?
– FOR REALZ did Cathi cast herself as the Grandma? The braids, the groovy pad, the beachy hippie chick vibes. ALL Cathi Hardi!
So who else saw this tour de force over the weekend? Should Cathi stick to docu style PRESENT DAY movies? Did any one like this? Was your theater audience laughing out loud too? Do you plan on doing THE DANCE at every club and medieval role playing weekend event you go to from now on? I AM!