We have a Twilight Virgin Winner!!

(get a cup of coffee or a diet coke and settle in for this one!)

Dear LTT readers and once upon a time twi virgins,

We have a winner! And well a runner up winner!!! It was SO difficult for us to choose from all the wonderful stories, emails, aim convos and ESSAYS you all sent in. But in the end it came down to Heidi’s story about her Twilight reading husband deflowering an old lady assistant to the judge at his work in the US DISTRICT COURT! Ok, that sounds wrong… we’ll just let our virgin winner Heidi share her story… Take it away Heidi!
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A LITTLE BACKGROUND:

By this time, I had already read the series (multiple times) and loved it.  The following emails pertain to my HUSBAND losing his Twilight virginity while simultaneously taking someone else’s.  He was working as a clerk for a judge in a U.S. District Court.  He was so obsessed with the books at the time that he was shamelessly carrying them around the judge’s chambers so that he could read them during breaks.  One day, the book caught the eye of the 50+ year old judge’s assistant (who up until this point hated my husband).  So, doing what any good Twilight fan would do, he lent her the books.  The assistant loved the first book and fueled by her obsession pumped my husband for more Twilight info.  He was grateful that this woman, who previously seemed to hate him, now loved him and pumped me for more Twilight info to give her.
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THE FIRST EMAILS:
Subject: Fwd: Twilight blogs
From: Heidi
Date: Thu, Apr 23, 2009 at 4:12 AM
To: Husband

Hi Honey,

You asked for more Twilight stuff for ___Old Lady Assistant___, here it is.  This is the list of my favorite Twilight or Rob-themed blogs that I sent to Jessica when I got her obsessed.  You need to forward these to ___Old Lady Assistant___so that she knows she is far from alone in her Twilight and robsession.  All women of every age love him!  You know you have a boy-crush on him too.  Admit it!

Love You!
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———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Heidi
Date: 2009/3/29
Subject: Twilight blogs
To: Jessica
http://www.twilightlexicon.com/

http://www.newmoonmovie.org/

http://www.robsessedpattinson.com/

http://www.twicrackaddict.blogspot.com/

http://www.laurensbite.blogspot.com/

http://www.hisgoldeneyes.com/

http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com/ *

http://letterstorob.wordpress.com/ *

 

(Heidi Note – How embarrassing for me.  This was the point of my obsession where I read all of these blogs every day. My husband knows it and I am apparently not ashamed to admit it.  Don’t judge.  * and pink denotes the only blogs I will currently ADMIT to reading.)
———-
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From: Heidi ______
Date: Thu, Apr 23, 2009 at 4:17 AM
To: Husband

Oh, and here is just a taste of what she can find on these websites.  Good luck getting work done now.  Ha!

(Heidi Note: Here he plays shy with his own feelings and forwards my messages along without additional  commentary.Keep in mind this is his first time taking another person’s Twilight virginity)

——— Forwarded message ———-
From: Husband
Date: Thu, Apr 23, 2009 at 3:22 PM
To: _Old Lady Assistant@_.uscourts.gov
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THE NEXT MORNING:

My husband walks into the judge’s chambers and is accosted by the judge’s assistant.  She makes him change her computer desktop (remember she is over 50, which makes it less surprising, but not less embarrassing, that she could not do this herself) to the above image of GQ Rob.  My husband obliges and then she spends the rest of the day giggling and showing it off to others.  My husband is now her enabler (everybody needs one) and best friend and the worst enemy of the other men in the chambers.
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THE NEXT MONDAY:
From: _Old Lady Assistant@_.uscourts.gov
Date: Mon, Apr 27, 2009 at 4:26 PM
To: Husband

well, i did it again!!! hardly slept last night (started reading the third book installment (eclipse) around 3:00pm yesterday at our cabin, then went home and continued reading it until 4:10am this morning!!!!  talk about sleep-deprived!!!!

i enjoyed the book, much more than the second one (new moon).  i still don’t like jacob, however.  can’t wait to start the 4th one tonight.

by the way, i saw the movie over the weekend.  embarrassingly enough, i saw it three times — my niece and my daughter now think i should be committed and/or in a straightjacket — what can i say?  still love edward and bella together; i’m also starting to love alice and the rest of the clan, but don’t like the wolves, especially you know who!!!

thanks again for getting me hooked on twilight.  i’ll let you know how i feel about the fourth book.

again, it was good having you in chambers (not because you got me hooked in twilight, mind you); hope you keep in touch and stop by whenever you are in the neighborhood.  regards.

Old Lady Assistant
Judicial Assistant to the Honorable no name judge
U.S. District Court

(Heidi Note: Haha, does this count as my husband “sleeping his way to the top?”)
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THE OUTCOMES:
I ended up inviting this judge’s assistant to my New Moon Movie Release Party where she won the Twilight Trivia game (and those questions I wrote were HARD) and also won the Jane “Pain” Staring Contest.  She was a riot.  My husband ended up getting a glowing recommendation letter from the judge this woman works for and we can’t help but think it has something to do with him taking her Twilight virginity.
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Tschus,
Heidi

So readers as you can see Heidi and her DOUBLE virgin story of hilarity with her newbie Husband and newbie Old Lady Judge’s Assistant just had to win cause we loved it so much! Give Heidi a big congrats on her LTT/LTR TShirt of her choice and stay tuned for the runner up’s story!
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Business Time!
The first 12 weeks of the Resolutionary [Weight Loss/Healthy Living] Challenge 2011 going on in Rob’s Flat in The Forum ended last week. TwilightCAT was the winner! CONGRATS TwilightCAT!! Round #2 starts Monday April 4thLearn about it here!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

 

  • Anonymous

    Adorable. Love this story. Also I up too early.

  • Anonymous

    Didnt enter the contest because I knew I wouldnt win. Boy was I right, this is an awesome winner. Great choice Ladies

  • Anonymous

    OMG double cherry pop definitely wins!

  • superhumanmoron

    Enquiring minds want to know—Is Old Lady Asst. a LTT commenter??

  • natalie_MKH

    So uh, can I have those pics back and you guys can pretend you never saw them? Thanks! Just kidding. However the blackmail the two of you hold is astounding, that and what people will do for a free t-shirt.

  • Laurel

    Aww, much as I’m sorry to miss out on a free t shirt this was for sure a winner. Good call and congrats!

  • operarose

    That is an awesome story. Definitely deserves the win! I just love the thought of the U.S. district courts swarming with closeted Twi-fans. I only hope that “old lady assistant” doesn’t regularly read LTT otherwise she might be disappointed by her nickname.

    I love that Twilight is the new “sleeping your way to the top” for careers.

    • Heidi

      Ha! I am also hoping for the sake of his career and the fact that the assistant is an awesome twilight fan, that she isn’t reading this and/or offended.

  • Anonymous

    Note to self. Instead of trying to bribe court staff with cookies and lots of “pleases”, slip them some f’ing hot Rob photos and Twilight paraphernalia. Duh, why didn’t I think of that sooner. Justice isn’t blind, it can clearly see and and its eyes are yearning for Rpattz! The slow court system is about to move much, much faster.Forget Pelican briefs, bring out the Rob porn!

    • TeamSeth

      “Justice isn’t blind, it can clearly see and its eyes are yearning for Rpattz!” Um, FTW quote of the day!

    • TeamSeth

      “Justice isn’t blind, it can clearly see and its eyes are yearning for Rpattz!” Um, FTW quote of the day!

  • http://cantgoogleeverything.blogspot.com Rachel B

    The clear winner! What a funny story! :-)

    I love the “Jane pain staring contest” idea- very creative!

  • Anonymous

    This is beautiful. Husband and I both read Twi about six months into his practice as an attorney and I was worried the sleep deprivation was going to make him somehow commit malpractice and lose his license. He’d come home from work at 9, sit down with a book and it would suddenly be 3am…

  • nocoolname

    Thumbs up! My husband has mentioned seeing one of the district attorneys reading Harry Potter at a court he frequents (as an attorney, not a repeat offender, BTW…) but never any Twilight. Can’t wait for the day when he gets a Twilight sighting at court!

    • TeamSeth

      hehe, glad you clarified about the hubs… you def. seem the perennial repeat offender marrying type ;)

    • Anonymous

      I wonder if Twilight/S.Meyer has ever been quoted in a brief or a legal opinion. I was reading this story in the NYT the other week about some NY judge who is always quoting unusual sources (works of fiction, songs, movies). Hmmm. Will need to do some legal “research” on this topic soon.

      • Anonymous

        OK – so far I haven’t found any cases in Google Scholar quoting Twilight or Meyer. Though I did find opinions referencing vampires and Stephenie – both are intellectual property cases. And have good quotes.

        “Degas can’t prohibit other artists from painting ballerinas, and Charlaine Harris can’t stop Stephenie Meyer from publishing Twilight just because Sookie came first. Similarly, MGA was free to look at Bryant’s sketches and say, “Good idea! We want to create bratty dolls too.”

        and

        “As Bram Stoker (Dracula), Anne Rice (Interview with the Vampire), and Stephanie Meyer (Twilight) can attest, there is no single way to envision or describe a vampire. The same must be true of a “vampire skull.” Accordingly, the court construes Hoodlums’ claim as “the ornamental design for a skull welding helmet, as shown in Figures 1 through 6 of the ’260 patent.”

        • TeamSeth

          Vampire Skull!!!! Can that be the name of SMeyer’s next book?

        • nocoolname

          Off topic, but we just found out that baby #5 is a girl (that’s four girls total and just one boy…poor kid…) and we are thinking of naming her Anne. Problem? Our last name is Rice. Is this a terrible thing to do to her or will people even notice, especially as we plan on calling her Annie?

          • TeamSeth

            I would notice. But she’s way young (obviously), so maybe that generation wouldn’t? If you call her Annie, then that’ll become her name and the only time it’ll be an issue is when substitute teachers call roster… but not even then ‘cuz they’ll just say “Rice”. You may actually give some teachers a bit of a chuckle on their first read through of the class list ;)

            (and this made laugh out loud! So awesome)

          • operarose

            4 daughters… wow! Coming from a family of boys, with inlaws only having boys these days, having 4 daughters sounds just awesome (I know, I know, probably has its downsides, too, like that’s also 4 girls fighting over 1 Twilight book…)

            Congrats!

            As for the name, I say go for the one you like. As TS said, it’s likely Anne Rice the author will be a bit too far past her prime to make it a bit problem when she’s older. Or, you could always stick in a middle name in case she wants to go by 2 first names (a la Sarah Jessica Parker) someday.

          • Anonymous

            Anne is a lovely name. I think she’ll probably get more than a few “oh, like the author?” comments throughout her life, but no big deal (maybe just don’t make her middle name Claudia or Lestat).

          • Diana

            Congratulations! Oh how I love baby name threads. As you have an appreciation for things British, what about naming her Anneka Rice?

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anneka_Rice

            i bet baby Rob loved watching Anneka Rice and her helicopter, probably on his dad’s knee, like me!

            Alternate spelling is Annika. Or, how about Anouska or Annelise?

            We just adopted 2 cats and hubby nixed Twilight related names. DD and I got rather clever and the boy is called Cosmo, allegedly after my preferred cocktail but of course actually for Rob’s next movie. The girl is Margarita to maintain the deception!

            My friend who is pregnant (also with #5 – is there something in the water!?) told her hubby outright that if this one turns out to be a boy his name will be Edward.

            Good luck with baking your little bun!

  • emmeloowhoo

    I have been away way too long from commenting but i had to because of this story… LOVED it and perfect way to start my morning! xo xo

  • Anonymous

    I hope you’ll publish more virgin stories, LTT

  • TeamSeth

    This is amazing! What a fabulous story, Heidi! So glad that Twi was able to get the hubs a leg hitch up at work! Plus it sounds like Assistant is hard core into the series! (though I’m not sure 50+ qualifies as “old lady”, 70+ perhaps) And I feel like he didn’t ‘sleep’ his way to the top as much as provided ‘her own personal brand of heroin’ to the top… he’s a pusher! hehehe

    Anyway, clear winner! Bravo!

  • TeamSeth

    This is amazing! What a fabulous story, Heidi! So glad that Twi was able to get the hubs a leg hitch up at work! Plus it sounds like Assistant is hard core into the series! (though I’m not sure 50+ qualifies as “old lady”, 70+ perhaps) And I feel like he didn’t ‘sleep’ his way to the top as much as provided ‘her own personal brand of heroin’ to the top… he’s a pusher! hehehe

    Anyway, clear winner! Bravo!

  • TeamSeth

    ARGH! Why won’t my new avi show!

    • TeamSeth

      YAY! There it is! :) So the “weird white thing” in the foreground is a lamp. I couldn’t take it out ‘cuz it’s the original pic… It looks better when the picture is full size and not just the avi.

      • TeamSeth

        Man. This makes me wish Billy Burke had a non-related to him identical twin type thing and he was into men. Or at least his “twin thing”…

        • Anonymous

          Twin kissing is so off-limits. But two Billy Burke look-alikes kissing, that’s more like it. Oh to be the miniature table lamp for that moment – I’d definitely flicker erratically then short out.

          Today is probably the day CW decides to read LTT. Hmmm…CW kissing BB with me (in the form of a mini lamp) off in the corner like a glowing perv, watching them go at it. That’s normal, right?

          • Anonymous

            It’s normal…as long as you make sure to record it. And then post it.

          • TeamSeth

            I concur. Plus, it wouldn’t have actually happened. No video, no proof. Might as well claim it’s a vampire skull at that point.

          • Anonymous

            Mini-lamp with arms holding a spy camera, check. Mini-lamp next to a white radiator getting her perv on, check. Now I just need two Billy non-genetic twins who are willing to get hot and heavy and Chris Weitz to film me (the naughty lamp) filming them, and we are good.

        • Anonymous

          OK, just had a date with CW’s twitter feed (as usual he did all the talking while I just sat there). And he just said his favorite Twi character is Charlie Swan.

          “Charlie Swan, the Worst Cop in the World. I mean, does he ever find anything out? Good dad, though.”

          Good dad? I guess.
          But he’s better when he’s Charlie X2.

          And darn it, none of the leaked BD photos had Charlie X2 grabbing a headboard. That I would have saved to my desktop.

          • TeamSeth

            That sucks (about the leaked photos)… but you know, what can you expect? Sue and Charlie getting it on in the movie when Beller didn’t even notice for basically the entire book? Unlikely.

            C-Dubs thinks Charlie’s a good dad? I think he wants to be a good dad, but… hm. We’ve had this discussion in depth on LTT before, so I will not rehash.

            However, I will say that Charlie x2 (which I read as X2 as in X-men the first reading of your comment, btw) is AWESOME. Like… good cop/bad cop awesome. Like handcuffs and those little sticks that the british police carry around in the movies awesome. Like dark room with a single harsh light interrogation awesome. Like comes home after a hard day of catching a predator and still cooks you dinner awesome. Hm, I guess Charlie Swan wouldn’t do that. He can’t cook. Oh well. Dream over.

          • Anonymous

            Oh drats, I missed out on the Charlie dad discussion. I’m sure it was a good one.

            Good Charlie might not cook, but evil-hottie Charlie can.After dinner Good Charlie can give you a footrub, while Evil Charlie is busy prepping the interrogation room and re-charging the Epilady (somehow it seems like it is the torture device of choice for Evil Charlie – am I wrong?).

    • nocoolname

      What is it? I can’t tell.

      • TeamSeth

        It’s billy burke kissing… billy burke.

        • ladyofthemeadow

          Can you please photoshop me in the middle of the two Billys :-)

          • TeamSeth

            You want to break up their kissing action? No way, Jose! If anyone is photoshopped in, it’s Billie Burke.

    • operarose

      For April Fool’s Day (which appears to be tomorrow) we should all change our Avis to bad fanart.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, genius idea OR. I think I already have one picked out. Oh, and tomorrow is the release date for the 100 Monkeys novel. Did anyone here order a copy? I’m curious, but I cannot seem to pay $10 for it when there isn’t even an excerpt available (signed copies are $40).

        • Anonymous

          I am mildly curious about the 100 Monkeys book, but I just spent all my available cash on Twi cast movies. (I passed on Sharkboy and the eye punchingly awful Valentine’s Day. Sorry TayLau and Jacksper.)

          • Anonymous

            There are a few cornball commercials out for the book -apparently the book will increase bra cup size. I cannot get the audio to work on my work PC, just going off the comments under the videos. Hard to say if they are funny or not.

          • Anonymous

            Huh. Well, I do like the idea of Jackson Rathbone thinking about my breasts….

      • TeamSeth

        I like this idea! *off to look through DeviantArt*

        • TeamSeth

          DANG IT! Work blocked the website!!! They don’t support creativity?! Hrmph.

  • Cat P.

    THAT story wins! Heidi and her hubby totally deserve the award!

    Is it sad that I still go to those websites EVERY SINGLE DAY? and not just because I co-run the Daily Twimes? sigh.

  • Anonymous

    Oh man, that is a definite 1st place story! It feels good being a twi-crack supplier?

    I want to hear more about this Jane ‘pain’ stare contest.

  • Anonymous

    Hahaha! This was an awesome story! So funny! I wish Assistant did comment here regularly, because I’d love to hear it from her perspective too!

  • Stacey

    I just loved this! Congratulations!

    Also…I love that your husbund was the one to be a Twi enabler. That is brilliant!

  • Heidi

    BIG thanks to LTT. I am loving the chance to remind him that he read these books at WORK! Can’t wait to show him this post and the t-shirts. I am thinking it is only fair if he gets to pick.

  • http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum Laura

    The Jane Pain Staring Contest = fabulous. This story is also fabulous.

  • Anonymous

    In other news, I was bullied by the internet (specifically, the LTT commenters) and, well, I Went Back.

    • TeamSeth

      NutSlut, I’m so proud! Begins to chant:
      Radiator! Radiator! Radiator! Radiator! Radiator!

      • Anonymous

        heh. maybe I can trick Mr. Slut into watching it tonight…

        • TeamSeth

          Mr. Slut *gigglesnort*

  • drawing a blank

    OMG!!! have you guys seen this? it made me giggle!!! leaked photos of “feathers” scene. I don’t know if they are real pics or just someone playing in photoshop. but funny all the same. here is the link too. http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/new-stills-from-breaking-dawn-sex-scene and then this one too. http://www.movieline.com/2011/03/could-leaked-sex-photos-suddenly-make-breaking-dawn-more-appealing-to-non-twilight-fans-1.php

  • cosi bella

    sorry completely OT but are these real breaking dawn set pics (sorry again don’t know who else to ask!)

    http://runswithvamps.tumblr.com/post/4237361525

  • cosi bella

    for reals? and the last one is supposed to be vampire bella?

  • cosi bella

    ??

  • Anonymous

    Oh my God, Heidi, that was awesome!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anjana-Ganeshar/100001686497557 Anjana Ganeshar

    i love u……………..

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anjana-Ganeshar/100001686497557 Anjana Ganeshar

    dear advance happy birthday.. take care my love……….

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