Remember that guy Taylor??

This guy?!! Yea?! YEA!

Dear Taylor-

It’s weird how out of all the cast you don’t get that much love here post wise and you’re probably the nicest and most normal (I would assume). AND I really DO like you!! Why is that? Are you staying out of the spotlight? Is Big Daddy calling you every night at 1oPM making sure you’re tucked in watching Sports Center instead of our carousing with the locals? Besides a few sushi lunches you really haven’t been seen out and aboot much in Vancouver. So when I see you I’m like “oh wait, that Taylor guy IS in this movie…” and boy, do you ever remind us you are with this clip:


It’s funny that you cringe when talking about imagining Edward and Bella down in Brasil gettin’ it on like Marvin Gaye sings, cause really it’s pretty much imagining the magicness happening between Robsten on the bear skin rug daily and who DOESN’T like to ponder that for like 23 of the 24 hours a day we have???
.

So here’s the crazy thing, Taylor, you’re in other movies besides Twilight! Insane, I know.
So here’s the thing… are you playing Hanna meets Jason Bourne meets the narc in your local high school? This whole thing raised some red flags for me…

  • 1. What high school girl is cruising missing children’s websites when she should be looking up the address to her local esthetician to get her Robert Pattinson meets Camilla Belle eyebrows in check? And if your high school girlfriends idea of a good time is looking at missing children’s websites you might have a bigger problem on your hands. Like SHE’S the narc… or she’s really into those CSI Criminals in SUV shows and THAT is scarytown.
    .
  • 

  • 2. If your mom is Maria Bello and you are Taylor Lautner, you definitely did not come from her womb.
    .
  • 3. If Maria Bello is such a grade-a ass kicker why didn’t her and her friends take a taekwondo class in The Jane Austen Book Club instead of reading books and yammering on about Northhanger Abbey (I love you J.A.)?
    .
  • 4. Is it in your contract that every movie you’re in feature a motorcycle riding scene? Preferably wearing a tight, dark v-neck shirt while it rains. Good agent.
    .
  • 5. If Sigourney Weaver tells you she knows your “real” father you better hope to God it’s not an alien.
    .
  • 6. Taylor, in my neck of the woods we call that thing over your lip a dirty sanchez moustache. Shave it NOW.
    .
  • 7. If you’re a fan of the Pirates enough to wear a jersey, it’s a bad omen. This will not end well.
    .
  • 8. Did you insist on using the Jacob-tree climbing/jumping stunt just so that we would all subconsciously think of you with your shirt off jumping into Bella’s window? Cause it worked.
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  • 9. Lines like “You wanna play with no rules? You better be careful what you let out the box” just confuse me. First, it doesn’t make and sense, second it makes me think of any of Vin Diesil’s lines in any movie he’s ever been in and third it makes me want to embroider it on a pillow.
    .
  • 10. Giving Big Daddy a producer credit in the end credits just earned you like at least 10 McDonalds bucks in your stocking next Christmas. And a HUUUGE hug from me cause that means Big Daddy will be all up in the Abduction premiere!! WHOOHOO!!
    .

So clearly, I’m going to be seeing this movie… at some point. There are so many questions that need to be answered and so many scenes with you possibly shirtless to be seen that I couldn’t deny you me this or the 15 bucks. Just consider it an investment in Big Daddy’s retirement fund.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time…”
Themoonisdown

Ok, so that line isn’t in Abduction (I think) but who would argue that there will probably be lines very similar… Will you see Taylor’s new movie? Did you think he was doing the Jacob-jumps-in-Bella’s-window move, too?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • toooldforthis

    I had to look up “dirty sanchez”. Thank you for that mental image.

    See, LTT is entertaining and educational! :)

  • tigerkitten

    I totes thought about the bella window move when I saw it. High school must be so different now, then when I was going there. Most guys in my HS wore way too much Polo or Drakkar.

    I dont remember any guys in school having skillz like that. Jumping from windows, kicking peoples ass like Van Dam, sliding down levels of windows (while being shot at) the make out (love?) scene on the train.

    My eyes! He’s legal now, right? Chris Hanson isnt stopping by for ice tea?

    .

  • zzxKATEzzz

    Plot line sounds a little like “The Face on the Milk Carton” to me. But I’m old and who drinks milk anymore? There’s an app for that….

    • Anonymous

      Lifetime movie with…um Kellie Martin?

    • Anonymous

      Yep, The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney meets the digital age. I guess they had to find some way to let the main character know that he was adopted/abducted, and they don’t do that milk carton thing any more. Although I agree with Moon that having the love interest point it out to him is slightly creepy and suspect.

  • Sisterpenguin

    Sigourney and Taylor in the one film, how can you loose? And with a film like this who’s really going to be listening to the dialogue. Pure perv material – thank you!

  • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

    Guns! Explosions! Matching Apple Laptops! Seriously, does not get much more (early) summer blockbuster than this. I have to say, of all the male Twilight cast, Taylor is the only possible pick for the male lead in this movie. Now, you all know I love Rob, but I cannot see him swiftly sliding down a building while people are shooting highly illegal weapons at him. Rob is more winding staircase chase sort of actor. And Charlie – he’s too old for that crap (no offense, Billy, I do love you still & find you quite virile-like) – he’d break at least 3 bones and probably get glass in his retina or something if he were in that scene. Aro might be able to sparkle-blind his human opponents, but that would be laughable. So Jacob gliding down the ugly glass office building it is. I did like the kissy-kissy part of the clip, though. Might see it just for that (and the eternally badass & ever hot Bello and Weaver). What is this thing rated?

    • MariaCecilia

      I can see Rob sliding down a building WAY too swiftly and landing on his ass in a spectacular type of way, though… Pretty adorable, but with a “dont try this at home” warning printed all over…

      • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

        Rob’s comedic bones are unbreakable. I can see him in one of those action movie scenes where his fall from a building is broken by a clothesline full of peachy soft towels, a flock of traveling pigeons and an awning. After bouncing off the awning, he’d end up in a dumpster (they always do) and would look entirely hot, smart, and do-able despite the egg shells on his leather jacket. Maybe while he’s in the dumpster, he can pick up a milk carton, notice Taylor’s face and say “hey, I know this dude” right as Taylor suavely lands next to him and winks. Or something like that.

    • Anonymous

      How much did I love the breastfeeding lady in the I am Jacksper video? So much.

      re: Abduction: I will totally see this…eventually on DVD. That bitch still owes me braincells from Valentine’s Day.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        Turn On: Including breastfeeding woman in his video
        Turn Off: He’s following Charlie Sheen. No Jackson, nooooooo…..

  • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

    Also, “I feel like a stranger in my own life” – uh, I think I felt that constantly when I was a teenager, but my best pals did not track down all the missing persons files at the police station for me. No, I am pretty sure they probably said something more along the lines of “yah, yah, who doesn’t, now shut up and let’s get some frozen yogurt.”

  • FastForward

    Liked Taylor! I think I’ll go and see this movie. Preferably without DH. I also had to google Dirty Sanchez … ooops! Thanks a lot for broadening my view on life …

  • Anonymous

    Yes Taylor, stop this wilful rebelling and shave that upper lip now. Listen to your Big Daddy and cool bald bodyguard, they clearly have mad razor skills (I was going to include you here Moon but thought it might make you feel awkward).

    PS Can we nominate our ticket fee go direct to Big Daddy retirement fund?

    PPS If I tried to kick in a train window my leg would def. get caught up amongst the shards, must remember not to try it.

    PPPS That was definitely the Jacob in Bella’s Window Move. Does SAG stipulate how many movies an actor can pull the same move? Not that I’m complaining.

    PPPS Who the hale gave ‘lil Taylor a gun??

  • MariaCecilia

    OK, I see Kristen´s movies, and I see Rob´s, and I watch Nurse Jackie on TV, but I think I am going to have to draw the line at watching Taylor´s movies too: he seems to be taking the action direction, and those are the movies I rent on DVD and watch two years later with my friends… Love you still, Tay!

  • Anonymous

    And look at all the excitement you missed out on. I hope it was good frozen yogurt.

  • Anonymous

    Death by Disqus.

  • oh werd?

    i did think of the window scene with all the jumping and sliding and stunts and stuff…i was thinkin, sooooo this is a regular high school kid, zero parts werewolf, and he’s doin all this shit? okay! but yea, i’ll still go see it lol. what can i say? he’s fckin hot!

  • cosi bella

    Love this post moon! Oh how I wish I had more time for a longer response…later hopefully..

    “You wanna play with no rules?….makes me want to embroider it on a pillow”

    *snicker*

    • Anonymous

      Put those pillows in the shop, baby. I will buy one!

  • Anonymous

    He does the Bruce Willis patented jumping from a building as it explodes behind him! Sure the plot sounds like Face on the Milk Carton… but Caroline Cooney didn’t give Kellie Martin a gun, so my husband’s never seen that movie. This one, however, will be approved for joint viewing. I get to see if Taylor can redeem himself with a better make-out scene, hubby gets explosions, everybody’s happy.

  • cosi bella

    Don’t think it’ll disappoint Bea,
    plenty ‘splosions – check
    hot make out scenes – check

    Acting quality? predictable plot lines?

    ***indulging my shallow pervy side alert***

    Meh – who cares – – I’m too distracted by those liquid brown tortured eyes…….those full lips and perfect teeth (I choose to ignore the v-necks – hate v necks…a tad effeminate for my taste)

  • Goldberrybecca

    Taylor get a second shot at a kissing scene! yay!! (Get it right this time Dude, we are all hanging on to hope for you.)
    Dirty Sanchez… he he! So using that. I’ve learned a lot reading this blog… and especially since I started following BrookL. and crew on twitter. :-)

  • Anonymous

    Okay, I know this is a Taylor post, but I just need to talk for a minute about the video of R & K from the WFE premiere.

    (I know, so sad that they would go to these lengths to hide the Epic Love that is RobLia and StewMore…)

    BUT! What I want to say is OMG what has happened to that poor sweet little girl that she is So. Terribly. Awkward. She’s lovely! Beautiful! Wearing a hot little dress! I know I sound like somebody’s mom, but shit girl get your hand away from your face! Sit up straight, smile confidently while Senor SexOnLegs makes out with your face! It’s cool! I want to just hug her and tell her she’s good enough, smart enough, and godammit people have literally started fan clubs about you, so enough with the self-doubt, plz.

    okay. end concerned citizen rant.

    • tigerkitten36

      Wait. Theres VIDEO??

      • Anonymous
        • natteringyeahrobber

          I so need to have a drink (or two or three) with Jacob now.

          • Anonymous

            are you sure it was an earthquake and not just a physical manifestation of “ZOMG”? It is easy to confuse those 2 sensations.

          • Anonymous

            Oh I’m sure it’s because it was “epic”!! Was there even any contact because I didn’t see any?
            (i’m a little bummed that there’s no thumbsdown availabe for this convo)

          • Anonymous

            I guess there was sort of contact. It was like Shit Eating Grin, Swoop In, SMAK, K turns away and puts her hand to her face.

            Maybe she was all awkward because she was like, “I just wanna get this public farce over with and back to my Cuddly”.

          • natteringyeahrobber

            I didn’t really see any contact, though I did see him protrude his lips in anticipation. Then there was a legit 3.8 earthquake. So basically the earth moves whenever Rob protrudes his lips. Maybe it’s one of his new mind tricks? Neuroseismicplasticity?

          • natteringyeahrobber

            @MNS: check out this vid if you want to see Rob explaining Neuroplasticity – http://video.aol.com/video/unscripted-water-for-elephants-full/675971562

          • Anonymous

            I’m all for earthquakes when Rob protrudes his lips!!! And like I said at LTR that guy can make anything sound sexy! Although, my favorite word is still ‘body’. GAH!!!

            Slut-I’m sure he was imagining she was Julia!

          • Anonymous

            That is what I picked up on most, every time he said ‘body’. So cute. I couldn’t actually watch the video at work, so had to listen. Good enough for me.

          • Anonymous

            *DO* I?! Neuroplasticity FTW!

            I love how he just straight up is like, yep. I lie. A lot. Also, I am a bit disturbed at how his laugh makes me want to do terrible, terrible things to him. Terribly, fun, things.

          • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

            Uh, things that involve blindfolds and tongues and electrodes perhaps? Oh, and get thee to LTR stat, TOO made a truly amazing visual of the Winged CrocoBearTaurob.

    • JustGoWithIt

      I remember when I was 19 with my first serious boyfriend, and having passionate sex, feeling self contentious that I was out in public with a man that I was doing it with. Not embarrassed, it was just new to me. That I was out and about with a man, and anyone walking by us would be able to assume we were doing it. I know, sounds stupid now. And I wasn’t ashamed to be doing it, it was just a different way of seeing myself I guess.
      So I am guessing that Rob and Kristen have a super hot steamy sex life, and young Kristen just has to blush, slouch, and put her hands over her face when people see them together. Right?

      • Anonymous

        excellent theory. I am sure no one really thought about you and your boy bumping uglies, but there are whole swaths of the population that think about Robsten sex like, All The Time. I suppose that would be a bit …. disconcerting.

        Not that you aren’t equally as hot as KStew. You most likely are. You guys probably had epic monkey love and those people would have been LUCKY to imagine even HALF of the naughty things you came up with. R and K could take some tips from you, I am certain.

        Great, now I am thinking about R and K and very likely Taylor as well, sitting in a classroom taking sex notes. OOOH, like that scene in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life: http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DQLKMQtfZLUw

        I bet RPattz is a stampeder.

        • Anonymous

          Your name suits you, especially today, hahahaha!

        • JustGoWithIt

          I think it goes well with my other R & K theory that K is all about the privacy and not cheapening her personal relationship by letting the public in on it, and R is all okay babe if it’s that important to you (he must take it seriously if he keeps it from spilling during his spells of verbal diarrhea).
          Maybe part of that is that she knows she would turn 3 shades of red and giggle and lose her shit like a Twihard during an intense Twilight conversation if she were to talk about it during an interview. I agree with her (kind of) when she talks about how the questions would change if everything was all out in the open. Instead of people asking questions like “could you see yourself with someone like Rob in real life?” People would be like “What does Rob’s taint taste like?” and if a public peck on the lips is embarrassing for her then she might implode if someone asked her that.

          • Anonymous

            OhMyGod are there different flavors of taint????? That was something I did not know. Like cinnamon? mint? cherry? Does it depend on what you ate that day? Weird. Also, do they ask questions like that? Also weird.

            But yeah, I get the whole “none of your biz” idea of it. As slutty as I am online, there are things I am not about to share. (If you follow me elsewhere, you may find that hard to believe, but it’s true) So I get it, I suppose, but also, like, other celebs date openly and it’s just not that big of a deal (wait, is that just me, being a Don’tGiveaShitSten about all celebs? Maybe.) So, as much as I am all for them having privacy, the speculation bugs me. Maybe it’s just that if Edward and Bella are openly together and then (sorta inevitably) break up in real life the Not Good With Separation of Fiction and Reality Twihards will go completely out of their minds.

            I just got all Tweed for a second there. Sorry. Carry on now.

          • JustGoWithIt

            Oh yes you did. I don’t know, it was sort of an imaginary rude question. I’m not sure if I’ve liked a taint before. Applied pressure with a hand, yes. So maybe I should amend my question to be more, you know, probable. “Kristen, does Robert like it when you apply pressure to his taint during sexy times?”
            Is it just me, or does cinnamon taint sound fairly appetizing? I’m trying to really get my sweet tooth under control and haven’t eaten any of the chocolate covered shortbread cookies in the fridge today, so that could explain it.

          • JustGoWithIt

            Oops typo, licked, not liked. RPattz taint, what’s not to like?

          • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

            My eyes! My eyes! Poor Jacob. Another LTT posting supposedly dedicated to Jacob/Taylor, but ending up about Edward’s (aka Rob’s) cinnamon scented taint.

            Dear Jacob,

            Given the recent turn of events (both IRL and here), I’m assuming we are still on for drinks after work? I’ll bring the Goldschlager (aka essence d’Edward), you bring the brain bleach. Let’s drink to forget. Bring CW’s phone, will you, I have some drunk dialing to do and I don’t want it published all over Twitter.

            Love

            NYR (your new BFF).

          • JustGoWithIt

            Ha ha.

          • Anonymous

            I am glad I don’t drink Goldschlager because now I would not be able to. However, I will still giggle and avert my eyes every time I belly up to the bar from now on.

          • Anonymous

            Do you think we could do some sort of fundraiser to get enough $$ for that MTV dude to ask Kristen about Rob’s taint? Like, $10,000? Do you think he would take $10,000 to ask her that, just for the unbelievable television it would be? Would she screamswear at him and walk out, or would she lapse into an unbreakable Awkward Coma? I kind of picture her twitching violently and then sinking her teeth into her lips and just freezing there. I feel sort of terrible for really really really wanting that to happen. (sorry KStew I actually think you are lovely. It’s just that would be really funny.)

          • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

            I don’t think that Josh H. could even ask the question. I’m not sure he’d even know what he was asking.

            Josh: (fumbling interview notecards). Sometimes do you feel you’ve got to. Run away. To. Get away?
            K: Yes, I mean, in general, but why are you talking like that? Do you need medical attention?
            Josh: Tossing, turning, can’t sleep at night? Oh, once I ran to you. Bitch. Now I run from you.
            K: (silence as she texts her manager)
            Josh: I give you all a boy could give you. Take my tears. And that’s not nearly all.
            K: This. Is why I don’t do interviews. Bye, freak.
            Josh: I cannot STAND the way you. TEEEEEASE. Now I’m gonna pack my things and go!

          • JustGoWithIt

            Also, I’m not going to lie while anonymously posting comments on a Twilight blog.
            I would feel something if they broke up.
            I might be one of the crazies to show up lit candle in hand to the fallen celebrity relationship vigil.

  • Anonymous

    Oh wait! I do have a Taylor thing to say! Last night I hugged my daughter and said, “I’m cold; warm me up.” And Mr. Slut said (OMGYouGuysICan’tBelieveItStill)”Nice warm 108 degrees over here!”

    and then we had sex right then and there.

    Okay not really because, you know, prying child eyes and all, but … *sigh* you guys… *swoon* <3 <3 <3

    • Anonymous

      Major points for the hubs! a) to remember that line and b) to use it!!

  • Notanaddikt Bella

    “If Sigourney Weaver tells you she knows your “real” father you better hope to God it’s not an alien.”
    THIS!

  • Anonymous

    I was going to see this movie with my Taylor-lovin friend. Mainly to repay her for seeing Rob movies with me! But man, I might go Team Lautner, for like a night(shh, don’t tell Rob). That train make out scene…wow! Thank God he’s legal now, although barely. And yes, so much like the Bella window scene.

    • natteringyeahrobber

      Yah, too bad Jacob never kissed Bella like *that*. I’m guessing she would have skipped Italy and begged Jacob to fix her truck all summer long.

      Looks like Taylor’s character is trying multiple things in the train compartment scene.

      • Anonymous

        Trying multiple things, YES! Maybe I’ll ask Rob to try that instead of just trying one thing. I’m sure we’ve already moved passed that point and it looks way hotter! I do have some things in mind:wall banging, the playful you get me all wet part, and I’m sure I will have a few more after Friday!

    • Anonymous

      Yes, thank God he’s legal. I was going to take my 16yr old to see it, but with that train scene, she may feel awkward watching with her mom. Ok, now I hear how weird that sounds. Mom and daughter both seeing the hottest in TL?

  • Anonymous

    So, totes normal that I have seen this about (substitute at least) five times by now, know that it comes out on Sept 23, and wish that they had more than four photos in the imdb folder (one of which is the title shot)? Right? RIGHT?
    I just wish taylor-sessed fit together as well as robsessed. Okay, going to get help now…

    • natteringyeahrobber

      I’m getting the Taylorsessed thing now. The kissy-kissy part of the clip has helped me understand, he really gets all in there, no holding back. Sept. 23rd? Why are they waiting to release in the fall when it is so clearly a summer film?

      • Anonymous

        I’d blame Summit, but this isn’t their movie. Maybe imdb is wrong?

        • http://www.examiner.com/twilight-in-national/breaking-dawn-fan-art-picture-2 natteringyeahrobber

          Yah, Summit. Those bastards. I’m sure they wanted to time it close to BD and forced Lionsgate into another Hobson’s choice.

          Ahh. Blaming Summit just feels so good. Need to try it more often.

  • Anonymous

    First, this tumblr site is hilar. But more importantly: they used the word JORTS: http://gaycaptions.tumblr.com/post/4641680168/fighting-over-who-looked-better-in-the-jorts

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