Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.
(suck it Chris Hanson!)
A first… breaking it down with me and The Font
The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!
Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)
The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!
The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.
The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty
The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves
Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this
The one where we awkwardly talk about men/Taylor Lautner being naked
Moon: they are. they care about others. and killing vampires. there was an awkward naked scene in eclipse though. jacob got hurt in the big battle at the end and so he phased back into human form. NAKED
Moon: in front of everyone. not that his brohams care or it’s anything the old vampires havent seen before but thats gotta be awkward being naked and hurt in front of the girl you like, right?
The Font: depends on what you’re working with, if you know what i’m sayin
like, chuck (our mutual friend) does not mind having his shirt off cause he looks good with his shirt off
The Font: there are other people who would not mind being naked from the waist down.
Moon: oh i know what your sayin’ but naked, cold, hurt and shivering never really did anything to attract the ladies
The Font: well, he is heroic! he was injured in the course of duty! and assuming he’s doin alright, dong wise. it’s not all bad
Moon: HAHAAHAHA omg i hate that word. this is wrong/right thinking of taylor lautner/jacob’s downstairs area
Moon: it does earn him a lovely very sweet visit from bella at the end though
The Font: i’m just saying! naked is not always bad, assuming you look good naked.
Moon: if he had the skills and know how of a 107 yr old vampire maybe he could have converted… but he’s 16 alas
The Font: also if you are 107 year old vampire it is fucked up enough that you are in love with a 17 year old girl
The Font: but you have to just be shaking your head when you are then competing with a 17 year old
The Font: he’s gotta go home, and just be like, motherfucker
The one where I earn enough Twi nerd of the day award points to fly free to Forks
Moon: but YOU (edward) are forever 17 ya know
The Font: how does that work exactly?
Moon: he never ages past the point when he was turned into a vampire. he was turned when he was 17. the others at varying ages. bella ends up being forever 19 SPOILER!
The Font: but he is still like a dude, right? so he gets more mature, right?
Moon: edward? he LOOKS forever 17 thus the freak out/dream bella has at the beginning of new moon. she dreams she sees her grandma and edward together. turns out its HER decades later and him thus making her want to be a vampire even more. though edward (of course) doesnt care about things such as age and wrinkles and walkers
The Font: well, he will. his junk still works and with modern medical science she would live to be like 70. it is one thing if you are also 70 but shit would get weird in a couple decades
Moon: exactly what bella says. they would have to pose at mother/son, grandma/son in “public” life. when they are most defs NOT! AWKWARD!!!
Moon: and not to mention some wierd Oedipus stuff
The one where dangerous, forbidden love is overrated
The Font: you can solve all this by dating a dude with a soul, by the way. who ages and does not want to murder you.
Moon: Team Jacob!
The Font: team not edward, actually
Moon: but thats why it’s forbidden love and it’s so alluring. according to all our serious, in-depth, scientific research.
The Font: eh
Moon: and dangerous!
The Font: that whole thing is overrated. i want to know who’s gonna do the dishes.
Moon: hey, i would agree with you on this most days
The Font: what the living room is going to be decorated like.
Moon: i lean toward team jacob a lot but you cant deny edward cullen!!
The Font: where are the kids going to go to school? these are the important things, moon!
Moon: they are
The Font: not weird forbidden love shit.
Moon: and edward tells bella she should go with jacob because then she can have all of that
The Font: i just feel like all this romance has to wear off eventually.
The one where the Cullens are probably tax evaders, unethical and really bored
The Font: also, where are they getting money? what are their jobs?
Moon: dude alice sees the future. boom! done.
The Font: that seems unethical.
Moon: and they have been around forever so with interest, investments… crap like that. horse races?! they probably bought in on google and apple early
Moon: poor jacob is saving up money for his beater of a car and edward’s out living on interest from his IBM stock. it will always be an uphill battle for jacob,
The Font: but what are they gonna DO all the time? just sit around and read books? that shit gets boring it just seems unsustainable.
Moon: yea they talk about that. they play a lot of games/chess, study, learn languages, do a lot of reading, hunting, traveling.
Moon: im sure it must get hella boring though. probably why so many vampires are just rogue nomads. and the cullens are weird
Moon: i bet they have pretty much exhausted netflix streaming cause they dont even sleep either!
The Font: man. and they live in the same place, right? they don’t even travel or anything?
Moon: they live in the same place but they travel. not like ALL the time cause how would they have met bella?
Moon: carlisle is a doctor so at least thats some distraction. and a regular job
The Font: i dunno dude. this is a tuck everlasting scenario, i think. not worth it.
Moon: yea…… so jacob with no shoes… thats how all this started….
Team not Edward!
PS We DO NOT call each other The Font and Moon in real life… cause that’d be weird.
So we know why Jacob’s running in the rain but why is he REALLY running in the rain? You decide in the comments. Have you been invited to the wedding of an Ex? Did you give them a gift?