Friday Funny, I mean Friday Sad, Kellan Lutz’ Flop at the Box Office…

Dear Kellan Lutz,

Uh oh. You haven’t had the best week, have you? Not only did your limited-release (meaning 1 theater near your mom’s house plus DVD) movie, “Love, Wedding, Marriage” only make 1.4 million, but it currently has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. ZERO PERCENT.

I mean I saw the trailer:

(please don’t be surprised that there is a comment on this video from xXtwlight4evaXx who says “i want mandy moore and shane west to do another movie together!!! A walk to remember was amazing<3″)

Things I do: Cheat on the real Chuck Bass & star in bad movies

While I love great films, I’m not really a movie snob. I love me a good romantic chick flick (hello I’m a Twilight blogger). But this DOES look pretty bad- I mean Jessica Szohr is in it (yuck), Mandy Moore hasn’t been good since “A Walk to Remember” and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t actually good then & I was just blinded by love for Shane West. And you playing a grown man in love is….. well, let’s just say you may still need a few years before that’s believable. I don’t care that you have an 8-pack. Which is obviously why you were hired.

But again, it doesn’t look like it deserves 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. I mean, I MIGHT watch it on a long plane ride after taking a nap, reading a book & when the battery runs out on my iPad. I could possibly turn it on when it’s free On Demand and I’m sick on the couch. I might even click a link that says “Download Love and Marriage for free & win an Ipad” if the mood is right.

It definitely couldn’t deserve this review (could it?)

“If there is a special hell for film critics, it probably has movies like “Love, Wedding, Marriage” on continuous rotation.”

And taking pictures of Anthony Weiner apologizing & captioning them with quotes from reviewers about your movie is just mean (but pretty damn funny via buzzfeed)

Kellan, Kellan.. if only you had come to Moon or I before signing on to this movie. We would have warned you that out of the 16 films of Mandy Moore’s on Rotten Tomatoes, only 2 have gotten reviews over 50%. And that a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 0% means your movies is worse than: Battlefield Earth, Freddy Got Fingered, and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (as told to us by EW Popwatch in a review attempting to be positive about Mandy Moore despite her horrible films (don’t worry- they didn’t mention you!))

And now you’re going to have to be nominated or even WIN a Razzie award and while that’s really good publicity, that shizz never leaves you! As if it’s not hard enough for you with all your muscles and Abercrombie background, the Twilight connection- that lacrosse movie with Ash Greene etc. to be taken seriously, this is just gonna make it all that harder.

Listen to me, Kellan. I don’t care how much Jane Seymour (Mandy’s mother in Love, Wedding, Marriage) pays wants you as her boy toy, don’t pick any more projects that drag down all the amazing work you did with the Twilight saga. Oh wait.

Kellan's big moment: Waving a knife while cooking Italiano

Always here to help,
UnintendedChoice

Do you ever feel really bad when a Twi cast member we love so much has a major flop of a movie like this one? 0% is HORRIBLE! Is this Kellan’s “100 Monkeys” moment? (Except that moment of Jackson’s doesn’t’ seem to be passing…) Will YOU see the movie? (assuming you live in the same town as his mom) Can you believe Ryan Adams married Mandy Moore? Can you tell I’m happy it’s FRIDAY FRIDAY

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

I failed & forgot to thank James for the heads-up on this amazing story!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • Anonymous

    Aw. Poor Kellan. But I am not sure he was ever in this to win awards. He stretched as an actor in those Calvin commercials. But there is a place in Hollywood for 8 pack dudes, at least until he gets too old, so I hope he has a good agent and better financial adviser. 

    And I am not saying this as a h8r, I think K is a big sweet oaf. Now if you’d like to talk about how cute yet super nerdy Jackson is on Twitter, we can discuss. I will withhold acting judgment until I see the Girlfriend movie, which looks actually good, don’t you think?

    • natteringyeahrobber

      It looks interesting, worthy. Jackson does seem to have an arty/creative streak.  

      • Anonymous

        He does. We have a nice, grungy, cellar-stink art house theater in town that I don’t go to enough. I hope it plays there.

        • natteringyeahrobber

          Oh, I love those kinds of theatres. Always humid and not-quite-cool, always with sticky floors. And with old-style seats where you can feel the individual seat springs through the worn layer of mauve velvet. Just the kind of theatre I would love to take Rob to. We could try to get cozy, but the damned fixed metal armrest would poke each of us in the ribs. So I’d have to settle for just holding his greasy, salty popcorn hands. Sigh.

          • Anonymous

            yes, humid and not-quite-cool, BUT it does have, in the downstairs theater (there are 2 screens, one up, one down) they have benches in the back for make out purposes.

          • natteringyeahrobber

            Me making out with Rob during Jackson’s movie? That might be rude, now that I think about it. Girlfriend probably has plot points that I would not want to miss. Love, Wedding, Marriage (gotta say that with caveman accent) is probably better for making out on the back bench, even though it’s hardly an arthouse movie. Few plot points to miss and I don’t think Kellan would mind if I got a little Rob action during the show. He seems non-judgy that way.

  • http://twitarded.blogspot.com/ Snarkier Than You

    I didn’t even know that movie existed until now! But, at least it got released… For better or for worse… Kellan can laugh all the way to the bank!

    p.s. the quotes on the weiner photos? priceless.

    • Anonymous

      Ha! That previously unknown politician will forevermore be known as “The Weiner”. 

  • MariaCecilia

    The Twilight cast? I guess it’s pretty much like having kids: you root for them, you want them to succeed, but in the end they are their own persons and you can’t live their lives for them – they just have to make their own mistakes. (Theoretically. In real life I will be standing right behind everyones shoulders telling them exactly what to do and why doing that thing instead turned out to be SUCH a bad idea..;-))

    I never expected Kellan to be much different from Emmett IRL (silly me), which means he should probably stick to 8-pack requirement action movies. There is always a spot open for the next Steven Seagal or Sylvester Stallone! (Oh wait, they are not still filming, are they?)

  • ladyofthemeadow

    Oh, Kellan, Kellan, Kellan. I am so sorry to hear that your movie hasn’t been well received. I was hoping you could muscle your way out of the Gladiator type roles you’ve done recently and be adorably romantic and cute instead. I’d be happy to kiss and make it all better. Not a mom-kiss either.

    I can’t even see this movie, because it’s not playing and not coming either. Ugh! I will make a point of seeing it, maybe slightly drunk with a fellow Kellan-appreciater on her big screen TV, with our husbands banned from the room so we can exchange alternately snarky and swoony comments about him.

    I can totally identify with Jane Seymour (even if she is a lot older
    than me — she’s way skinnier and prob has had ‘work’ done so we’re,
    like, effectively the same age now).

  • http://twitter.com/hippietrixi Christine

    Huh, Kellan has a new movie?  I didn’t know.  Is there at least a redeeming part, you know where he at least takes off his shirt..? Or better yet his pants? Cause, in my mind, that makes up for really bad acting. 

    • Anonymous

      I saw a clip of this movie with him and his abs in bed with someone.  I think that scene is probably why they cast him in the first place.

      • ladyofthemeadow

        If I can rephrase that, I’d say:

        “I saw a clip of Kellan’s abs (and the rest of him) in bed with someone.”

        Kellan’s abs need their own agent in Hollywood. An agent that gets him better roles to play. Roles with mandatory ab-baring scenes of course.

        • http://twitter.com/hippietrixi Christine

          PUT HIM AND HIS ABS IN PORN!!!

  • http://twitter.com/hippietrixi Christine

    Huh, Kellan has a new movie?  I didn’t know.  Is there at least a redeeming part, you know where he at least takes off his shirt..? Or better yet his pants? Cause, in my mind, that makes up for really bad acting. 

  • Anonymous

    I seem to remember this looking watchable when y’all posted the first trailer for it earlier this spring.  This one… not so much.  Too bad as it does promise plenty of shirtless Kellan as well as cute suited Kellan.  Here’s hoping Immortals is better for him…

    • natteringyeahrobber

      Yes! Kellan could play a hunky wrangler-for-hire, Cowboy Deuce. The episode opens with Cowboy Deuce and his trained orangutan assistant (Mr. Chips) playing a friendly game of horseshoe. A shirtless Deuce is clearly in the lead and ribbing Mr. Chips about his lack of throwing ability. Just then, Mr. Chips slips on cow dung and accidentally throws a horseshoe at Mr. Deuce’s nads. This causes Deuce to use a female voice, which Mr. Chips mistakes for flirting. Fortunately Dr. Quinn happens upon that scene just as Mr. Chips is attempting to put a dress on Deuce.

  • Anonymous

    Yeah. The major flaw here seems to be Mandy’s character. You can’t present someone as an adult mature enough to have gotten through school and became a successful therapist, and immature enough to be crushed by her parent’s separation and mentions fairy tales during marriage discussions. With a straight delivery too, not a whole lot of comedy. If she was presented as a total mess this might work. But I’m supposed to like and identify with this person? Um, no. It looks like a movie about marriage aimed at people who are too young to get married?

    • natteringyeahrobber

      I don’t know why she was pissed that Kellan got drunk in Vegas and married some random woman. I mean, it’s Kellan – what you see is what you get. Was she also under some delusion that he is a virgin? And maybe she was shocked to hear that his whole Ivy league education and Supreme Court Justice stint were also lies, just lies.

      Besides, marriage isn’t about trust, it’s about seeing how your bitchy neighbors react to your husband walking around shirtless.

      • ladyofthemeadow

        Wish I lived in a neighbourhood where all the men walked around shirtless and looking like Kellan.

        I’m happily married, but as the saying goes, just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu. 

        Like Rob, Kellan isn’t husband material, even in my dreams. But he makes a great fantasy lover, for a fantasy version of me.

        • natteringyeahrobber

          My neighorhood is Kellan free too. Occasionally there are high school guys who jog without shirts, but they are high school guys. My age cut off for ogling is 22 (that’s the lowest I can go – anything else makes me feel reallllly creepy). Most of the guys in my neighborhood are shirt-clad Dads over 35, walking around with dogs and NY Times bags full of dog poo.

          • MariaCecilia

            Probably the reason these Dads bought houses in your neighbourhood was the clause at the bottom of the contract: “Guaranteed Kellan-free neighbourhood. Absolutely no unfair competition.”

          • natteringyeahrobber

            Our housing contract did not specify anything about Chris Weitz, though. He’s fully free to jog through my neighborhood at any time. I have a feeling all the moms in the hood would follow him around like a twittering Pied Piper, despite his glaring lack of Kellan abs (or maybe he does have Kellan abs…he did tweet something about jogging once I think).

            Call me crazy, I’d rather see C-dubs running by my front lawn (and laughing at it) than Kellan.

          • MariaCecilia

            I hear you loud and clear, girl. Next in line to Rob dropping by for a beer I would just love to have me some Chris over for tea. He wouldn’t even need to be shirtless!

          • TeamSeth

             I’d prefer him shirted, and in those amazing mustard pants. C-Dubs would be fabulous for tea time. Sweet guy with a touch of snark.

          • natteringyeahrobber

            Dear Chris Weitz,

            I’m calling you by your full name since you never answer any of my tweets and CW seems so personal. Well, you did answer one tweet once, but that was forever ago. I followed with a better question a week later but you chose to ignore. So full name it is for you, Mister.

            But regardless, you are welcome to jog/run/walk/walk-n-brood/wear mustard pants through my neighborhood anytime. The sidewalks are in decent shape for the most part. It’s quiet and I can show you some great views if you can deal with walking up a very steep hill (my house is at the bottom, of course). Maybe you can CGI the weed patch off my front lawn in exchange (and CGI in Rob’s back & a thrustboard – I’m sure Condon will give you some footage to work with). 

            See you Sunday,
            Me.

    • Anonymous

      As I think about it I know several therapists who are kind of a mess in this vein…

      • Anonymous

        As in they still think fairy tale rules apply to their real life? And not in a fun fantasy way? Actually yes, there are probably lots of messed up therapists out there. I wouldn’t say that because a person is in a mental health related field, that they are super sane and together, I know better than that. I think it may be Mandy’s Moore’s uber sincere delivery. Her whole deal here just doesn’t hold together for me (if I’m going to over analyze this movie trailer, which I obviously am).

        • TeamSeth

          My family knows Mandy Moore’s family and my good friend went to middle school with her.  They’re good people.

          • TeamSeth

            That’s really random isn’t it?  We don’t know Mandy Moore though… just her parents.  And it’s a passing knowing, not a besties relation.

          • Anonymous

            That’s okay. I’m not saying she is a crappy person. I liked her in that movie about about the pregnant teenager and the big Jesus standup.

  • Late Convert

    no way can it be as bad as the last airbender.

  • natteringyeahrobber

    I’m not convinced it is an awful movie. Truly awful movies share a few characteristics:

    1. Scene where some guy gets hit with a tennis ball in the nads, thus causing him to double over and use a female voice.
    2. If movie is in outer space, guy gets hit in the nads with a small tennis-ball shaped asteroid.
    3. There is a sex scene involving a watching cat or watching Elliot Gould.
    4. Sexy Indian restaurant date scene followed by attempted comical emergency trip to toilet scene.
    5. Some out of control stolen vehicle that cannot be stopped and is headed right for for the childcare center at the nuclear reactor.

    I didn’t see any of the above criteria so I’m holding out hope.

    • Anonymous

      You bring up some good points here. Although this trailer may have created a new bad movie requirement with it’s staring at each other meaningfully while driving past each other in convertibles scene. WTF was that.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        Yes, it was so much cheesier than the scene in Twilight where Edward and Billy Black drive past each other, each attempting bitchy stink eye.

        • TeamSeth

          Really though, Edward’s just amazed that Billy Black, the paraplegic, is driving. That’s what he really meant when he said “complications”.  But we’ll continue to assume there are hand pedals.

      • TeamSeth

        I LOVE that commercial where the guy and girl do just that and then he hits the car in front of him.  I’m assuming it’s for auto insurance, but it should be for “Don’t be a dumbass” PSA.

      • MariaCecilia

        Glaring from automobiles is a type of foreplay common among vampires, and I guess Kellan’s as confused about the facts of life as Rob is after Twilight, so he just keeps doing it randomly…

        • natteringyeahrobber

          Speaking of Facts of Life.
          Jo = Bella
          Blair = Rosalie
          Tootie = Yorkie
          Natalie = Jessica

          Thinking S. Meyer might have rec’d some character inspiration from FoL. Too bad there isn’t a fan-fic mashup (I checked). Eastland Academy could have used a good vampire to fluster Ms. G.

    • ladyofthemeadow

      I like your optimism :-)

    • MariaCecilia

      1-4 sounds exactly like the kind of movies I avoid. I’m confused about 5, though? Wasn’t Battleship Potemkin and The Untouchables supposedly great movies? And they both had that same scene with the baby carriage going down the steep stairs out of control in the middle of a dramatic shoot out? (Just add in the nuclear component..)

  • operarose

    Jane Seymour is the mom? Suddenly have disturbingly racy thoughts of Kellan and a cougary Dr. Quinn getting romantic in the woods while a cowboy and panther are stalking them and Sully is away.

    P.S. I accidentally hit the “I don’t like this page” button above…so if you see something that says “1 person doesn’t like this” please don’t take it personally. (Thank you, dying mouse batteries making it impossible for me to navigate.)

    • TeamSeth

      I’m glad Dr. Quinn was mentioned, because for some reason Jane Seymour was only registering as Sigorny Weaver in my mind and I was waiting for the Alien jokes, but none came.

  • Anonymous

    Um, sorry but I’m saving my money for the four to five (dozen) times that Summit expects me to go to Breaking Dawn after the long wait. Also, this movie looks like one of those where everything is in the trailer. But how is it possible to get a 0%?! Doesn’t there have to be some redeeming quality? (Like shirtless Kellan wrapped in a towel?)

    • TeamSeth

      Is it possible no one voted and that’s why it’s a 0%?

      • natteringyeahrobber

        No, I checked. A legit 0%, many reviews are in. 33% of audiences liked it. So that’s not too bad, right? 

        • TeamSeth

          That’s 1/3 of the audiences!  That’s a higher percentage than people who come out to vote in non-presidential years!

  • Anonymous

    Um, sorry but I’m saving my money for the four to five (dozen) times that Summit expects me to go to Breaking Dawn after the long wait. Also, this movie looks like one of those where everything is in the trailer. But how is it possible to get a 0%?! Doesn’t there have to be some redeeming quality? (Like shirtless Kellan wrapped in a towel?)

  • ChillinWithCullens

    Well, now I HAVE to watch it, just to see what makes it so crappy!

    • ChillinWithCullens

      okay, I take it back. just watched the trailer…

  • natteringyeahrobber

    Just checked out Kellan’s Twitter page. Involved in lots of charities, responds to his fans, loves his brothers, seems too damn sweet. He keeps retweeting stuff from Daily Love (relationship affirmations), which is a little weird, but other than that, he seems cool.

    There is one odd/funny tweet in the mix: “I’ve been waiting years to come” (think he meant to say go instead of come). Heh heh. LadyoftheMeadow, think he just needs to find the right neighborhood to jog through….

    • TeamSeth

      I think he meant “to come” as you initially thought while getting that stirring in your loins… He’s been waiting for you, nat.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        OK fine. Just don’t tell him I’d be using him only to get closer to Chris Weitz. Besides, it would be research, I could take one for the team here. Let you all know how hard his abs really are, get to the bottom of why he jogs with leather gloves on. I could help him twitter too, now that I know a bit more. Fewer exclamation marks to start, and I’d have him post photos like Jackson. Maybe he just needs some lovin’ PR assistance. 

        • TeamSeth

          I think the gloves have to do with him being a triathlete.  Somewhere in some place that bike is stashed and his shorts are dry but his shirt wasn’t, so he shed it for the run.

    • ladyofthemeadow

      Oh I have the right neighbourhood to jog through, all right. Not just because I live here and would enjoy the view. And ask him about the gloves.

      Seriously, it’s full of runners, some of them university student athletes – perfect girlfriend fodder for Kellan. Although I agree with MarbleNutSlut who said he seems like a sweet oaf. I mean, who else could let THIS Freudian slip get by: “I’ve been waiting years to come”. Ahhh, the endurance…  quite mind-boggling.

  • Anonymous

    It doesnt look that bad, does it? I guess I really do like cheesy mandy moore movies…am I the only one who saw Because I Said SO? Since Kellan is in it, I will wait to rent it on netflix…..

  • GracieB

    Kellan should slip off his purity ring (give it back to one of the Jonas bros) and just do what he was meant to do in Hollywood.  Porn. 

  • TeamSeth

    You know how some authors just write books they know they can sell and not artistic greatness?  Maybe Kellan’s one of those people except in the acting field.

    We can’t fault him for that!  Everyone makes a bad movie now and again.  Usually they just call it an indie film and get away with it.  At least Kellan owns up to reality. Now he should just take off his shirt again and serve me a Bellini by the infinity pool in Maui…

  • Pingback: Letters to Twilight writes to Kellan Lutz about “Love, Wedding, Marriage”

  • Anonymous

    so busy with the finals, i am struggling to keep up with the Twidom, missed the MTV Awards epicness :( and about the trailer: is that Jake being sent flying across the room and into the wall by Eddi? do i need i reread? cause i don’t remember that being any where 

  • Anonymous

    EMERGENCY: ok i just saw this on the Lexicon
     
             “100 Monkeys Interested In the Breaking Dawn Soundtrack?”

    noooooooooooooo, this can’t be happening, someone has to stop this!
    Summit, in the name of all the Twihards in the world (who’s pockets you’ll be squeezing for money this Novmber) i demand that you to stop that crap from being on the soundtrack.    

    • Anonymous

      Maybe they can release two soundtracks. The normal one that people will actually buy and then the one that lets all the Twilight ‘actors’ vent their pent up musical frustrations. Of course there will be 100 Monkeys, Rob, Gil, Tinsel, BooBoo & joined at the hip sister. Have I forgotten anyone? Oh, I think Billy Burke, can’t forget him, and they could all do a big version of We Are The Rob as a finale. But should they let Nikki’s fiance on it? Decisions.

      • Anonymous

        That is a fantastic idea. Seeing as a lot of actors also studied/have passion for making music, I’m sure there are other members of the cast that would love to make a song. Really, they should do that.

        • Anonymous

          With a picture of Taylor and all other non-musicians (Kellan?) in a hot-tub for cover art.

      • TeamSeth

        Billy Burke, HOW could you possibly begin to forget him?

        I’m willing to guess that Bewley attempts to make music…he tries everything. I think he’s into techno and house though.

  • Anonymous

    OT but: Look out Rob a new style guru is in town. Bolo and jorts=sensational. http://eyeprime.net/2011/06/nikki-reed-paul-mcdonald-seen-out-shopping-in-hollywood-jun-10/

    • Anonymous

      You know what? I saw someone on the bus yesterday with a Hitler youth haircut and those tight almost to the knee cut off then rolled jorts. The whole look had a very gay feel (I’m extremely gay loving, so I don’t mean that as a dig), although I’m coming up short on which decade it reminded me of.

      • TeamSeth

        Just when I was thinking VanCity was classy… ;)

    • Anonymous

      Oh dear. Lebowski sweater and skinny jorts. Rose needs to get that boy in hand. Dayum.

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