Remember when we didn’t know who the guys in the Wolfpack were or who Harry was? And we call them stuff like Nerdy Wolf and Australian dude? Well while I was away it seems like anyone who has ever been cast as a vampire came out to play in the public eye. While I was trying to catch up in the weeks of twi-news I missed, I kept saying WHO is that?! WHO is this?! That albino dude is in Breaking Dawn? So I think it’s time we catch up with the newbs (the ones I care about at least) and give them a little run down on how shiz works around these Twilight parts…
Vladamir, The albino guy – aka Noel Fisher
I have a lot of questions for this guy… is it bleached? Was he born this way (ain’t no other way)? I thought the Romanian Vamps were HELLA old and creep sauce looking. He may be a tad creeper but he looks 16. More just learning to drive and hide my back-ne then dark forces of the underworld.
Stefan (not Urkel) – aka Guri Weinberg
This dude went on and on about playing some big prank on the set of BD and while I enjoy a good “Go Fuck Yourself” as much as the next person, when I hear “prank” and “Breaking Dawn” in the same sentence I’m hoping some switched out Bella’s cup of fake blood for the REAL thing… or at least have Bill Condon to ask the wolfpack to not rely on CGI but to really bust naked out of their clothes and phase, with a straight face.
Benjamin, Egyptian Vamp – aka Rami Malek
He’s pretty much the only new Vamp I really care about because he was kick ass in The Pacific, looked freaking cute with his long board in Larry Crowne but really I like him because I saw him on my way to Target a few weeks ago in his black Prius wearing one of those pork pie hats and any vamp who loves the earth and tiny hats is fine by me.
Eleazar – aka Christian Camargo
Clearly, Dexter’s brother is the only other new Vamp I really care about. Too bad his name is Eleazar and not Brian/Rudy the Ice Truck Killer… but I think I’ve waxed eloquently on this topic before.
They all seem to be starting Twitter accounts and tweeting each other and the fans like they’ve been around for decades, even telling Twihards if they’re a REAL fan they’ll follow Volturi Guard number whoever decided to join the twittersphere that week. Um no, actually I am a real fan but I only need one Tinsel Korey tweeting misspelled missives about the end of the world in my feed. One love yall! One of these is more than enough! THANKS!
Do they really think we believe them about being a true fan? Do we care? NO! Have they ever asked Stephenie Meyer to play “Fuck/Kill/Marry” with her own characters? I THINK NOT! And THAT’S how you do it Twilight Vampire newbies… a late welcome to the ‘hood from us.
Runs with Vampires… or something,
Do you feel as confused as I am about all these new people? Should I have flashed Rami Malek in his Prius? Yes? know, missed opportunity. And are you a real fan? Enough to follow all these yahoos on Twitter?