Time to admit our Breaking Dawn Fears

Today’s letter is brought to you by Bunty

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Okay I’ll come clean. I’m scared.

There I’ve said it. It’s the twilight-sticker-emblazoned-2nd-hand-embarrassing-elephant-in-the-room that no-one wants to mention. No I’m not referring to the prospect of Summit trying to make the shirtless one with the high-armed comedy run imprinting on a newborn baby seem normal to film critics in the way it is to us. No I’m not talking about how they can find enough interesting stuff to fill out part 2 with what is basically going to be a 2 hour film about vampires coming over to stay for a few days and then lots of vampires stood in a field glaring at each other before agreeing to go home after all. Oh no I’m talking about something much more important.

I’m talking about Edward’s clothes.

Is this the Cullens?

Now first let me make something clear. Stephanie’s knowledge of what hip and thin American teens wear was clearly wide of the mark in the books, even to my British sensibilities. I remember reading twilight and reeling (I say reeling – I mean climbing off the washing machine mid-spin cycle) at the mention of the white leather jacket and sleeveless shirts. Vampires are supposed to have lived through the 1980’s new romantic fashion era but aren’t supposed to dress like they play bass for a Duran Duran tribute act on a weekend. Given the dodgy material to work from therefore, Cathy the cougar was bang on the money when she came up with the Twilight wardrobe for our favourite sparkly one. People with anemia look brilliant in blue. People who aren’t people anymore and not technically anemic as they’re dead because they’re a vampire without blood full stop (but have a scrotum full of sperm apparently and the ability to have an erection without blood – are you following?) look brilliant in blue. Think classic tweed, think well-cut suits, handmade Italian shirts, basic wardrobe staples like a black t-shirt, plain denims. You’ve lived through every bad fashion era but are wise enough to recognise the best bits and tailor them to fit your 17 year old body in the current era. Marvelous. Thank you Cathy, job done, back on the washing machine we all hopped.

Good job Cathy. Must've put down the cougarita that day...

This is why women buy more clothes for men than men do. We’re good at it. We know what makes a man look mean and moody because we think about it all day long because we’re normal. Chris Weitz and David Slade – we love you, we do really but there is a reason your mom took you shopping instead of your dad. You just haven’t got ‘it’. Take New Moon for example, now I appreciate what you did with Edward wearing the same suit from Bella’s birthday party to getting his nips out in Italy. That was quite moving but his suit was crap frankly and the history teacher footwear looked like something Dick-the-dad would wear. I won’t even mention the three quarter length frockcoat from the dream sequence and knitwear/jacket combo in the proposal scene (I just did). In Eclipse you felt the need to dress him in a colour which can only normally found on white bra’s that have been through the wash too often. I believe it’s referred to as chewing gum white. This only served to highlight his pastiness rather than his marble-white lovely bits. Just because it’s sold by Gap and for some reason everyone in wardrobe thinks Edward would like Gap that doesn’t mean it’s not shite. I know you have to buff up the funny-running one with tight black t-shirts but please remember that they will stand next to each other in many scenes and that one will make the other look like he’s welfare dependent and overly fond of vitamin-deficient tinned goods.

A scene from a Duran Duran hit video?

Bill Condon you are giving me nightmares. I hope the stills released were a spoof and featured clothing superimposed from a 1987 Gap advert. What the hell is that stripy sweater he appears to be wearing in the honeymoon scene? A sweater, chinos and bare feet? Are we back on the whole Duran Duran trip again? Shove a straw boater on him and tell him to channel John Taylor? And the blue Rio shirt? You’ve tried to copy the Twilight blue shirt but you’ve made him look like a motivational speaker at an accountancy convention. I won’t even mention the comedy wedding morning suit (I just did). Morning suits were designed to be worn with silk cravats not bow ties.

Scaring women isn’t nice. You’re ruining it for me. Stop it. Now.

Lots of love,

Bunty xx

After the jump view a special Friday surprise that needs no commentary at all:

 

You’re welcome. Happy Friday!

Ps: I loved this letter today & it made me miss your letters. Please don’t stop sending them, especially as we enter this season of Twi-drought until November. E-mail us your Breaking Dawn, cast/crew or other random thoughts! Letterstotwilight@gmail.com

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Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • Anonymous

    I think we need to create something akin to what Stephenie did with the Breaking Dawn book and make our own “Breaking Down”:

    You know, like the costume department has a misunderstanding about what jorts are and puts the wolfpack in kilts

    No. Hold on. That would just be funny

    • Stacey

      Very funny!

    • chochang

      This should be in the Scottish remake. Any of you girls here from Scotland? Make it happen.

      • Anonymous

        Yes I’m from Edinburgh… The Scottish Captial…Lets get the Alexander McQueen label to comission some La Push tartan..And have it weaved…Then made into kilts for the wolfpack…Complete with sporans..Made from wolfpack hair..How many different shades…Grey, Black, Brown…Oh and a lovely auburn sporan for Jacob to impress Bella….Breaking Down set in the Scottish Hills…The Cullen Clan hanging out in Scottish castles…Like true vampires….Wolves roaming the countryside…Bella a Scottish heroine..Caught in a dramatic love triangle…Singing Moira Stewart songs..(.Google her ) as she roams through the forest
        I have to stop now …As my mind is running riot rremaking these films with a Scottish theme…Back to the wine…

        • TeamSeth

          “Made from wolfpack hair” sounds like their pubic hair… (mind in gutter–apparently)

          I love htis.

          • TeamSeth

            this even.

            (drinking shh)

          • Anonymous

            Cheers!!!

          • Anonymous

            Love your avi Bedazzled! I’ve been trying to change mine to that for weeks but Diqus wouldn’t let me. Now I know why ;)

          • TeamSeth

            I love your avi, RFM!  It looks like Rob contemplating hitting his head on a piano.

          • Anonymous

            Wait a minute! My avi is still the Rob/elephant avi, no?  Cause that’s what I see!!

          • TeamSeth

            OH! You ruined it for me ! :(  Now I clicked bigger on it and saw the truth…

          • Anonymous

            Sorry! The funny thing is this was one of the avi’s I wanted to change to…

            (let’s see if this works)

          • Anonymous

            I don’t why this never works for me. UGH!! Anyways, it’s a pic of Rob at the piano with his head down.

            (now that I described it the pic will prob appear)

          • Anonymous

            see!

        • Anonymous

          I love it!  Someone write a fanfic

    • MariaCecilia

      Hey, I thought we already agreed there was someone on LTT busy making the Wolf pack calender with kilts? Plaid, right? Can’t go wrong there..

      • TeamSeth

        Well… maybe not kilts. (and it’s me… men in plaid… It’s photoshop free)

    • TeamSeth

      Wolves In Kilts. Outlander sales go up. David Tennant is still hot.

      • Anonymous

        now I just fainted thinking about David Tennant in a kilt. Oh wait, no, HE faints, and I can see up his kilt! Naughty, Mr. Tennant!

  • HowToBe

    I agree, Cathy did it best. BLUE

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know what you are talking about, all the seniors in my school wore tweed. and seriously, when I think rampaging new vamp, the color palette is BEIGE. All the way beige.

  • ladyofthemeadow

    Good morning everyone! Happy Friday! It’s a happy day when I can distract myself from work with a new LTT post. YAY!

    OMG I loved the Bella video. I’m going to have to use those tips in my next interview. To heck with preparing answers on how I’ve demonstrated leadership competencies, I’m just going to practice biting my lip, flipping my hair and ending sentences with a question mark. Brilliant.

    Great post too, Bunty! You had me laughing. I love the way you “won’t mention” but you really do. The colour of “white bras that have been through the wash too often” – haha! I know exactly what you mean and matches the one I’m wearing right now!

    • drsaka

      The funniest, I thought, part of that vid is the first (balding) man doing the patented K hair move during his ‘presentation’. 

      • natteringyeahrobber

        I tried the “invisible bugs” advice when I was talking to my MIL last night. It really threw her off. I think she pretty much chalked up my hallucinatory-like eye movements to the pain meds I’m on (had wisdom teeth out) but it made her stop talking to me. Which was great because I was super tired and not feeling chatty. Thanks K-Stew!

        • ladyofthemeadow

          Get well soon! Got chipmunk cheeks?!

          • natteringyeahrobber

            I did yesterday. Today I have icepack burn cheeks. I’m currently in hiding.

    • MariaCecilia

      Reminds me of the British comedy show “Smack the pony” where this woman stood up and made her presentation to a boardroom full of men, who were unenthusiastic. She then proceeded to sob loudly “I wahahant to do my plahahaan” and hold her breath until everyone agreed it was a good plan and please go ahead. Try that if KStew’s method doesn’t work!

      • Anonymous

        Wow. Why don’t we have shows called Smack the Pony in the US. Oh, never mind…I think those are on Cinemax or some other “pay for” channel.

    • Anonymous

      Thought of another nickname for you. How about Lady M? or is that too S and M for you?!

      • ladyofthemeadow

        Aw, you are too sweet.

        Anything with Lady in it sounds too dignified for me. Meadow is kinda short and cute.

  • drsaka

    Bunty- this is a really funny post. You’re right- the Duran Duran fashion influence- yikes!  Imagine what crazy outfits Alice will be in!! 
    Oh what fun we’ll have, making fun of the clothes, hair and jewelery in BD1&2!

  • The Plane Friend

    Bunty this was one of those FTW letters. Thanks for the laugh. And that video? Epic. Simply epic.

  • Stacey

    Oh no…I have been following the Kristen Stewart’s Speaking More Good example my whole life. That explains a lot of things. Like my disasterous performance as Juliet in As You Like It sophmore year of college. Darn it!

    Cathi should have always dressed the Twilight cast in ALL the movies! Also, the rest of the cast, because that was getting worse too. Don’t get me started on Bella!

  • Michelle

    Seriously on the KStew vid?! OMG. That chick is HER! BWAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! Classic. Made my Friday.

    • natteringyeahrobber

      I know, if you watch the ComicCon 2009 video (posted on Robsessed yesterday) and then the parody video, you’ll appreciate the awesomeness even more. The same people who put together that video also released a BD wedding night leaked scene parody.  Involving Bella (same actress) role-playing a hirsute Spanish bullfighter.

      • The Old One

        I need a laugh today so as soon as I have some alone time I’m gonna track all this down. Thanks.

  • Aleishacd

    This letter made me laugh. Loved the line about the second half of BD being about a bunch of vampires standing around in a field.

    I personally think the WORST costumes ever were Cathy’s for Alice. Those big, long jackets Alice wore in the first movie were horrid and out of character for Alice. Also, is she the one responsible for giving Edward those nasty, HUGE sideburns? Those are like their own character!

    However… in the positive column for Cathy, I would be happy if Edward always wore that gray t-shirt he wears in Twilight at the locker scene when Bella asks about his eye color. He looks so hot in that when he’s walking away. lol

    • Anonymous

      Elvward’s huge side burns in Eclipse are definitely their own character.
      And we love Alice, and she manages to make that choker look adorable most of the time, but through most of the movies her clothes…..HER CLOTHES! That big buttoned boxy matronly nineties would only be worn ironically thing in New Moon. Oh my.

      • natteringyeahrobber

        But it’s not like Forks has any decent shopping options. And we’ve seen what the dresses they sell in nearby Port Angeles look like – woof. 
        Besides, everyone at the school already assumes the Cullens are some incestuous cult (thanks to a bitter Jessica fueling that rumor). And people in incestuous cults dress as if an imprisoned seamstress is sewing up clothes in their basement, based on patterns from the Great Depression. They need to stick with that image, for consistency’s sakes. Best not to attract attention by wearing Prada or Old Navy (like Charlie is paying attention, but still). 

        • Anonymous

          Actually I would have loved to see Alice in some Prada.

        • Anonymous

          “Prada or Old Navy” – snort!

        • Anonymous

          Newton’s Outfitters…outfitting everyone in town!!

        • ladyofthemeadow

          I really love Cam Gigandet in that Gap advertisement campaign. Droolworthy. Pass the tissues please.

          http://justjared.buzznet.com/photo-gallery/1527751/cam-gigandet-gap-ad-01/

          • natteringyeahrobber

            Semi-beardy men in argyle. Kill me now. 

          • Anonymous

            MMMhmm. I always found it hard to be like, “James is bad!” because I was really thinking, “James is HOTNESS.”

          • ladyofthemeadow

            YEESSSSS. 

          • TeamSeth

            Is it his dirty fingernails that really get you all hot and bothered?  Coupled with the “I borrowed this from your house, I hope you don’t mind.” line…

          • ladyofthemeadow

            Actually it’s the cleancut Cam Gigandet in RL that gets me hot and bothered. I Love those twinkling eyes. I can’t hear anything about dirty fingernails, la la la la. Do you like the dirty James more than the clean Cam?  I do admit though, James’ smouldering looks get me in the gut every time.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, I don’t really like to think about the dirty fingernails, but, as much as I love the Cullens- and I do -there is something so sexy about a bad vampire. (Hi Spike! Hi Lestat!) *growl*

      • Stacey

        Alice’s clothes drive me INSANE! I feel the need to mail the Breaking Dawn costume department some current issues of Vogue or InStyle. Anything to make Alice look even a little bit fashionable. I have a feeling somebody decided fashionable meant ‘quirky” or “artsy”, maybe “crazy lady” (See New Moon smock)

        • ladyofthemeadow

          I’ve just got another excuse to watch Twi, NM and Eclipse again: to check out the clothes this time! Hoping I can get some alone time this weekend, so I can avoid being mocked by family members who say stuff like “You’re watching THAT again?” I’ll put up with the mocking though. My kung fu is strong.

          • natteringyeahrobber

            I just watched NM yesterday. But just the director’s commentary, since I hadn’t watched it fully through before. Much discussion about fashion decisions, actually. CW explains how vampires don’t sweat so they can wear the same outfit/ugly suit for extended periods of time. Something I hadn’t thought about.

          • TeamSeth

            Chris thinks of everything.  Remember when he first found out that he was directing and he holed himself up in his office with cardboard cut outs of Edward and wolf artwork?

            And isn’t it fabulous that he met with a bunch of First Nations’ kids up in BC and got the skinny on how they grew up, then built the house sets and had them tour it to make sure it was legit looking?  And that he integrated the drums into the sets because each Quilluete (sp) gets a drum as a kid that’s like a coming of age thing.

            I love Chris.

          • Anonymous

            Didn’t know that, wow.  Wait, was that on the commentary that I missed?

          • TeamSeth

            Yes. Must’ve been. I think. I don’t stalk Chris.

          • Anonymous

            hahhahahaha! *wipes eyes* ahaha. No, no of course not. heh.

        • natteringyeahrobber

          It does seem like Alice’s fashion in NM was modeled after photos in a 1982 issue of Good Housekeeping. That ugly jacket she has on when they visit the Volturi…Jane should have inflicted some serious pain on her for that. If I am not mistaken, that jacket had padded shoulders. 

    • twiprof

      i think Robert said something in the commentary about the gray shirt being from his own wardrobe…wouldnt edward be interesting if he really dressed like Rob? ya know, edward wearing a “Get off my Dick” Beastie Boys shirt? hmmmmmmm…….

    • Anonymous

      oh god I was going to comment and then I starting thinking about RP’s back in a tshirt…where was I???

      Oh right. About the 2nd half of BD being vamps in a field: I just read a synopsis of Harry Potter Deathly Hallows 1 that just said:”Gloomcamping”. If they can do it, we can.

  • ChillinWithCullens

    best. post. ever.

  • chochang

    “..but have a scrotum full of sperm apparently and the ability to have an erection without blood – are you following?”

    Bella keeps on yapping about Edward being hard. Maybe vampires are all the time. #yaknowwhatimsayin

    • Anonymous

      right, like, always hard and when you want to use it just, like…reposition it? Stretch it out a bit? I am thinking that if you have vampire strength it’s sort of the consistency of those gummy erasers?

      • ladyofthemeadow

        I’m thinking if Edward is always as hard as he needs to be to conceive Renesmee, he must be pretty uncomfortable walking around. Also, wouldn’t it be kind of obvious?

        And if so, no wonder Bella was attracted to him (snicker).

    • TeamSeth

      They’re always hard ‘cuz they’re always on V.

  • Nelle

    Thanks Bunty.  Not recovered from choking drink over your letter when I watched the KStew video.  Still having a problem catching my breath. 

  • Saylorlady

    I miss the pea coat..sigh…….

  • Rob’s slow mo’ strut

    Soo much good stuffs in this letter. However may I point out you missed the infamous beige turtleneck he wore while stalking Bella in Port Angeles? 

    And “the funny-running one”? —> Epic win!
    Don’t even get me started on the ugly ass shoes they made him wear in New Moon. Even the thought of those shoes makes me want to weep. 

    I watched Eclipse last week and I pointed out to my best friend the number of times Edward wore the grey v-neck throughout the movie. (about 6 times) You know the one he wore in the “You’ll always be my Bella” scene?

    The shirt he had on in the final meadow scene was wrinkled for heaven’s sake? Am I the only one who’s bothered with all this? 

  • Rob’s slow mo’ strut

    Very good point about women being able to choose clothes better than men. It never occurred to me that was the reason why Edward in Twilight had better clothes. I seriously swoon every time I see him in that white t-shirt in the second Biology scene. And also the blue jacket and Ray-bans when “Spotlight” plays. And who can forget the peacoat? I  know a lot of people think it looked funny but I don’t care. Rob can wear a potato sack and pull it off.

    And that Gucci suit in the prom scene? *drool*

    • Anonymous

      Rob wearing anything and “pulling it off” is always WIN!!

    • Kaybvee

      Oh the spotlight scene, kills me *rewind*

  • Anonymous

    Love the video, love the post.  The KStew imiation was dead on.  I think we could go on and on about the sorry waredrobe.  The worst dressed for all movies would have to go to Alice.

    I’m thinking BD2 will be about the gather of the other vamps and the fight scene, but also Rene…. Bella as a vamp hunting, and hopefully Bella and Edwards as a vamp couple.  I am hoping for some Emmett jokes about their sex life.

    And yeah, I think the only explaination is hard, all the time.

  • twiprof

    that video was spot on! love it!

  • Nicole

    This was hilarious! The color choices for some of Edward’s clothing in New Moon and Eclipse were what really bothered me. I have fair skin and know that certain colors just do not work.

    There is one big flaw in the letter’s “theory.” The costume director is the one in charge of the wardrobe, not the director. The costume director was female (Wendy Chuck and then Tish Monaghan) in the first three films, and now Breaking Dawn will have a male costume director (Michael Wilkinson).

    • Anonymous

      Yes Nicole, I was going to say the same thing about the costume director.

      Maybe the problem is that now they have too MUCH budget?! It’s the only difference in the first movie and the last ones.

      • Nicole

        That seems like a plausible theory. Maybe they tried to dress the characters better in order to make up for the small budget and keep the audience interested. While Twilight had a big fan base before the films, I’m sure that everyone involved with the first movie was uncertain how well it would do. And, now clothing is a lower priority.

  • http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum Laura

    OMG Duran Duran reference FTW! They were my first loves, you know.

    • Anonymous

      OMG me too. I had that poster. I love you, Nick Rhodes. Forever…

  • http://twitter.com/MsYuppieScum Laura

    OMG Duran Duran reference FTW! They were my first loves, you know.

  • TeamSeth

    ” 2 hour film about vampires coming over to stay for a few days and then
    lots of vampires stood in a field glaring at each other before agreeing
    to go home after all.”

    HEHEHEHHEHE!

    And you’re so right about the proposal scene (take 1).  No wonder Bella gasped and they had to cut to black—she was so appalled about what he was wearing her response was actually, “Um, maybe I’ll think about saying yes after you buy something that’s not from JCPenny’s. Thanks so much.  JACOOOOB?!  Wait up, dawg, I’m coming!”  And they thought that line wouldn’t be a really strong ending.  Frankly, that would’ve been much better imo. And I wouldn’t have sat there with Chris’ name coming up in the credits going, “Did they screw up my movie?”  Naturally movie’s end with a line about Penny’s.

    • MariaCecilia

      Yes, I know: actually I think being a Twifan and watching these movies may be detrimental to your health because you have to block out so much stuff and pretend it isn’t happening..(this may cause neurosis, you know?)

      Now I’m off swanning in the south of France, so I’m really happy I had the time to read this post and see the video before leaving: it gives me something to giggle about on the plane. (As if everyone wasn’t already convinced that I am a mad woman..)

  • TeamSeth

    Just watched the video (love being paid but not actually being at work with their evil youtube blockage! yay!)  OMG WIN!

    I immediately went: Though it sounds like her, that can’t really be Kristen, because her hair is too nice.

  • MariaCecilia

    Finally someone raises these valid and important points! We cannot sit through another wardrobe and makeup movie fail! (Actually we can, and we probably will, but at least we can make a lot of fuss about it?) Let us go to the movie premieres of BD dressed in our best poodle hairdos, off-the-shoulder jersey dresses with vinyl boots, burn some wigs and make our voices heard! This is not right! Bring Edward back to us! Save Alice!

  • 3Hboyshouse

    Good golly!  This is an awesome post!  Thanks for the laughs Bunty and I totally want to talk more good like KStew.  Luvs!

  • Anonymous

    I think that this KStew went to the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Don’t Read Good (and want to learn how to do other things good) 

    • Anonymous

      hahahhaha!

  • https://me.yahoo.com/a/iNoy11YH1pbU7a.P7bdoq54i3FINJ.8k#6f742 pattygirl

    summit is a distributor not a production company. Even if BD has a 200 mill budget they are still clueless. I feel sorry for the cast. The 1st was the best. bottom line : don’t make movies with summit

  • GeminiGypsy

    Haha, love your sense of humor Bunty! But why are we sitting on a washing machine?

    • TeamSeth

      Ahem. I know why I sit on washing machines when reading softcore porn.

      • TeamSeth

        Wait, nevermind. Not applicable to this.

    • ladyofthemeadow

      I wondered about this too. Or maybe not. I know it has nothing to do with solutions for putting a screaming infant to sleep finally.

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