It’s only been a few days since my last letter to you but I feel the need to contact you again as a matter of some urgency regarding the pending release of Breaking Dawn/headboard parts one and two.
I know it’s all wrapped up. I know everyone has gone home, wardrobes have been returned shop-soiled to Gap and Bella’s wig has been returned to world famous pubic hair wig makers ‘Tufty Mufftys’. This letter isn’t directed at the acting crew or even Bill Condon. This is for the group of people who edit the films. I need you to do me a huge favour. When Bill’s not looking, I need you to forget EVERYTHING you were told by smug Scummit executives who’ve never actually read twilight and sneak back in and re-edit the movies using the following criteria (and/or CGI):
Quickly put in MORE of the following:
1.Watch the original Twilight again and check out the scene when Edward jumps onto Bella’s truck (this is not a euphemism). He jumped down nonchalantly and pinged her bodywork into place (nor was that). It worked because he looked kind of cool in a not-trying kind of way. That was more like book-Edward. He was fun and playful. Put lots of that stuff in because he’s the one we actually liked and the sole reason we all turned out for the 2nd and 3rd movies and became laughing stocks.
2. Edward’s self-conscious strutting from car to truck in New Moon with resplendent indie/rock backing track. Include more of this, particularly in plaid shirts but not in slow motion because it’s embarrassing when I’m watching with my husband. You could re-do the wedding ceremony and have Edward walking down the aisle towards Bella and Charlie instead of the other way round as a DVD extra.
3. Normal contact lenses. Cathy H = bang on the money. Chris and David = comedy Halloween contacts that even the disturbingly low-hairlined Jessica would notice in the canteen. When Mrs Meyer said gold she meant a subtle yellowy-brown tone not luminous neon yellow like Michael Jackson’s in the Thriller video. Photoshop the eyes if they’ve got it wrong………again.
4. More Headboards. Enough said. If possible combine more headboards with more groaning sounds and more back muscles we never knew he had. You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan. It would be much more interesting and the same audience would still queue overnight to cop an eyeful of that magicness.
5. Bella falling over. It was funny and it happens A LOT in the books which if anyone on the team had actually bothered to read, you would know this. I’d quite like to see her fall off the bed mid-shag and headbutt the wall like I do after 10 vodka’s but hey that’s just me.
6. Fast driving at night with the lights off. Was Cathy the only one who remembered that bit? Forget the faux-fight scenes as you’d impress more guys with a few 100mph handbrake turns in a sporty volvo than Esme trying to look vaguely menacing whilst mum-punching a new born in slacks.
7. Insert the moonlit scene with Edward in the ocean. I’ve seen the trailer and Summit appear to have missed the second best scene in the book. Put the moon behind him. Make him look all marbelly and lovely and WET. You don’t have to add Bella, in fact just place a black sillouette where she would be with a ‘insert your face here’ tag on it as that’s what we’ll all be doing in our heads because we’re NORMAL.
More after the jump!
DELETE anything resembling the following:
1. Eyebrows and/or sideburns with their own eco-system and/or zipcode. In addition to this please remove any over-furrowing of the aforementioned eyebrows used to overcompensate for spending too much time buying over-priced crappy 80’s sportswear from vintage shops instead of going to acting classes. You don’t look tormented you just look more and more constipated as the franchise continues.
2. Bella pretending to be a feminist. You’re not kidding anyone. She spent 4 books doing laundry and planning recipes for her father who appears to have been incapable of opening a can of hot dog sausages or scrubbing a gusset despite remaining alive for many years prior to Bella’s arrival. The truth is I don’t know anyone who actually likes Bella, we just like pretending to BE Bella during leg hitching scenes. There IS a difference.
3. Mom-chariots. Edward drives a sporty shiny volvo not something you pick up your kids from soccer in. Edward would pick a car because it was very fast yet very discreet not because it came with ample trunk space and fast-fix child seat options.
4. Anything in the dialogue that is so 2nd hand embarrassing I use that moment to loudly ask my husband about his day in the world of global insurance in the vain hope he’ll have missed it. “You give me everything just by breathing….SO BABY HOW DO YOU FEEL THE GLOBAL DOWNTURN HAS AFFECTED THE UNDERWRITING SECTOR?” I don’t give a rat’s arse whether it was in the books or not. If you wouldn’t say it in normal life then don’t let it be uttered in Twilight. You just make it hard for me to rationalise why I care about Twilight more than Libya to non-normal people.
5. Edward being randomly beaten up like a big girl by comedy volturi henchmen/girls/children/kittens under orders from Summit Executives in order to make Jacob the midget look like he’s tougher and doesn’t actually have to stand on a box, even in scenes with Bella, in order to sell more ‘I run with wolves’ t-shirts via Etsy. It’s not in the books and it shouldn’t be in the films. Shame on you executives. If he were real he’d kick your pinstriped ass.
6. Remove 90% of the vampire ‘fillers’ in part 2. I’ve read the book twice and I can’t remember more than 2 of them so I don’t expect anyone else who hasn’t to give a shit whether Ivana or Modrana are from the Flagadon coven or the Witcita coven or the Oompa Loompa coven. They’re just bit part actors from now-axed serial dramas who want to say they were in Twilight so more people follow their empty lives and shopping updates on Twitter. All we really want is to hear Michael Sheen say ‘Bellarrrrrrr’ again or something nonsensical in Italian and everyone can go home (and buy lockets with aforementioned nonsensical Italian/Latin phrases in from Etsy).
7. Rennesmmeeee or whatever her name is. Enough said. You could just pretend Bella had really bad wind from eating all those eggs on Isle Esme
I hope you have understood the importance of my emergency last-minute requests and are aware that you could be guaranteed overnight respect from 50% of the world’s population and Twitter adulation from at least 4 people should you carry them out.
Fight the power yeah.
Lots of love
What do you think of Bunty’s suggestions? Stephenie? Do you still read LTT? Anything you can do? Any strings you can pull? Thanks in advance!
Moon & Team got to Kenya safely last week! Today starts Day 1 of the children’s camps they are running. She is super excited to see many of the kids she got to meet last year again!! Sounds like everyone is safe & healthy & they are ready to get to work! (Moon is the team blogger for this trip so I’ve seen posts, tweets & pictures! Plus the occasional pop-on Facebook “myellooo” message she loves to give. Don’t worry- I’m uploading these Africa/Moon/Abbaye Road pictures to her FB wall)
And THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has written LTT letters. You are LIFE SAVERS! I definitely could still use some if you have any ideas. OR if you have anything to say to Rob… LTR is really where I’m lacking:) You guys are the best!