Breaking Dawn changes to make quick while no-one’s looking………..

Dear Twilight,

It’s only been a few days since my last letter to you but I feel the need to contact you again as a matter of some urgency regarding the pending release of Breaking Dawn/headboard parts one and two.

I know it’s all wrapped up. I know everyone has gone home, wardrobes have been returned shop-soiled to Gap and Bella’s wig has been returned to world famous pubic hair wig makers ‘Tufty Mufftys’. This letter isn’t directed at the acting crew or even Bill Condon. This is for the group of people who edit the films. I need you to do me a huge favour. When Bill’s not looking, I need you to forget EVERYTHING you were told by smug Scummit executives who’ve never actually read twilight and sneak back in and re-edit the movies using the following criteria (and/or CGI):

Quickly put in MORE of the following:

More of this. Much, Much more

1.Watch the original Twilight again and check out the scene when Edward jumps onto Bella’s truck (this is not a euphemism). He jumped down nonchalantly and pinged her bodywork into place (nor was that). It worked because he looked kind of cool in a not-trying kind of way. That was more like book-Edward. He was fun and playful. Put lots of that stuff in because he’s the one we actually liked and the sole reason we all turned out for the 2nd and 3rd movies and became laughing stocks.

2. Edward’s self-conscious strutting from car to truck in New Moon with resplendent indie/rock backing track. Include more of this, particularly in plaid shirts but not in slow motion because it’s embarrassing when I’m watching with my husband. You could re-do the wedding ceremony and have Edward walking down the aisle towards Bella and Charlie instead of the other way round as a DVD extra.

Just... no!

3. Normal contact lenses. Cathy H = bang on the money. Chris and David = comedy Halloween contacts that even the disturbingly low-hairlined Jessica would notice in the canteen. When Mrs Meyer said gold she meant a subtle yellowy-brown tone not luminous neon yellow like Michael Jackson’s in the Thriller video. Photoshop the eyes if they’ve got it wrong………again.

4. More Headboards. Enough said. If possible combine more headboards with more groaning sounds and more back muscles we never knew he had. You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan. It would be much more interesting and the same audience would still queue overnight to cop an eyeful of that magicness.

5. Bella falling over. It was funny and it happens A LOT in the books which if anyone on the team had actually bothered to read, you would know this. I’d quite like to see her fall off the bed mid-shag and headbutt the wall like I do after 10 vodka’s but hey that’s just me.

Like this except... less Disney-like

6. Fast driving at night with the lights off. Was Cathy the only one who remembered that bit? Forget the faux-fight scenes as you’d impress more guys with a few 100mph handbrake turns in a sporty volvo than Esme trying to look vaguely menacing whilst mum-punching a new born in slacks.

7. Insert the moonlit scene with Edward in the ocean. I’ve seen the trailer and Summit appear to have missed the second best scene in the book. Put the moon behind him. Make him look all marbelly and lovely and WET. You don’t have to add Bella, in fact just place a black sillouette where she would be with a ‘insert your face here’ tag on it as that’s what we’ll all be doing in our heads because we’re NORMAL.

More after the jump!

DELETE anything resembling the following:

1. Eyebrows and/or sideburns with their own eco-system and/or zipcode. In addition to this please remove any over-furrowing of the aforementioned eyebrows used to overcompensate for spending too much time buying over-priced crappy 80’s sportswear from vintage shops instead of going to acting classes. You don’t look tormented you just look more and more constipated as the franchise continues.

2. Bella pretending to be a feminist. You’re not kidding anyone. She spent 4 books doing laundry and planning recipes for her father who appears to have been incapable of opening a can of hot dog sausages or scrubbing a gusset despite remaining alive for many years prior to Bella’s arrival. The truth is I don’t know anyone who actually likes Bella, we just like pretending to BE Bella during leg hitching scenes. There IS a difference.

3. Mom-chariots. Edward drives a sporty shiny volvo not something you pick up your kids from soccer in. Edward would pick a car because it was very fast yet very discreet not because it came with ample trunk space and fast-fix child seat options.

4. Anything in the dialogue that is so 2nd hand embarrassing I use that moment to loudly ask my husband about his day in the world of global insurance in the vain hope he’ll have missed it. “You give me everything just by breathing….SO BABY HOW DO YOU FEEL THE GLOBAL DOWNTURN HAS AFFECTED THE UNDERWRITING SECTOR?” I don’t give a rat’s arse whether it was in the books or not. If you wouldn’t say it in normal life then don’t let it be uttered in Twilight. You just make it hard for me to rationalise why I care about Twilight more than Libya to non-normal people.

Yes he is really standing on a box

5. Edward being randomly beaten up like a big girl by comedy volturi henchmen/girls/children/kittens under orders from Summit Executives in order to make Jacob the midget look like he’s tougher and doesn’t actually have to stand on a box, even in scenes with Bella, in order to sell more ‘I run with wolves’ t-shirts via Etsy. It’s not in the books and it shouldn’t be in the films. Shame on you executives. If he were real he’d kick your pinstriped ass.

6. Remove 90% of the vampire ‘fillers’ in part 2. I’ve read the book twice and I can’t remember more than 2 of them so I don’t expect anyone else who hasn’t to give a shit whether Ivana or Modrana are from the Flagadon coven or the Witcita coven or the Oompa Loompa coven. They’re just bit part actors from now-axed serial dramas who want to say they were in Twilight so more people follow their empty lives and shopping updates on Twitter. All we really want is to hear Michael Sheen say ‘Bellarrrrrrr’ again or something nonsensical in Italian and everyone can go home (and buy lockets with aforementioned nonsensical Italian/Latin phrases in from Etsy).

7. Rennesmmeeee or whatever her name is. Enough said. You could just pretend Bella had really bad wind from eating all those eggs on Isle Esme

I hope you have understood the importance of my emergency last-minute requests and are aware that you could be guaranteed overnight respect from 50% of the world’s population and Twitter adulation from at least 4 people should you carry them out.

Fight the power yeah.

Lots of love

Bunty xxx

What do you think of Bunty’s suggestions? Stephenie? Do you still read LTT? Anything you can do? Any strings you can pull? Thanks in advance!

Update on Moon:

Moon & Team got to Kenya safely last week! Today starts Day 1 of the children’s camps they are running. She is super excited to see many of the kids she got to meet last year again!! Sounds like everyone is safe & healthy & they are ready to get to work! (Moon is the team blogger for this trip so I’ve seen posts, tweets & pictures! Plus the occasional pop-on Facebook “myellooo” message she loves to give. Don’t worry- I’m uploading these Africa/Moon/Abbaye Road pictures to her FB wall)

And THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has written LTT letters. You are LIFE SAVERS! I definitely could still use some if you have any ideas. OR if you have anything to say to Rob… LTR is really where I’m lacking:) You guys are the best!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • http://twitter.com/Shahyra Natasha

    “You could just pretend Bella had really bad wind from eating all those eggs on Isle Esme” mwahahahahah poor Edward/Cullens who has to endure that sulfur air! Thnx, now when I go to see the movie in november I will think of this during the Isle Esme part……… :-(

    • Anonymous

      uugghhh! All those eggs. You know it’s true.

      • Anonymous

        So THAT’S why Edward gives Bella a tight smile when they’re back at the Cullen’s place and she says eggs sound good to her. It’s not that she’s pregnant with something that is killing her and he feels responsible. It’s because he remembers the nasty egg gas she had on Isle Esme.

        It’s all making sense now.

        • TeamSeth

          Something tells me that the girl who has been immobile for about…2 months(?) and probably hasn’t showered yet has been drinking, pooping, and throwing up blood probably doesn’t smell that hot already. Sponge bathes can only do so much!

          • Anonymous

            You don’t think she smelled summer fresh after all that?

            Add in the gas from the eggs and I’m sure she smelled like a freaking peach. Ha!

  • http://twitter.com/Shahyra Natasha

    “You could just pretend Bella had really bad wind from eating all those eggs on Isle Esme” mwahahahahah poor Edward/Cullens who has to endure that sulfur air! Thnx, now when I go to see the movie in november I will think of this during the Isle Esme part……… :-(

  • Sisterpenguin

    Ah Bunty. I think I have a new hero – especially for for paragraphs 5 and 7 of MORE!

    From owner of Edward’s motorbike leathers (cause he wants to look the part and vampires don’t sweat therefore don’t chafe therefore go commando)
    (I know it’s a couple of letters late but I had a dream last night…)

  • Sisterpenguin

    Ah Bunty. I think I have a new hero – especially for for paragraphs 5 and 7 of MORE!

    From owner of Edward’s motorbike leathers (cause he wants to look the part and vampires don’t sweat therefore don’t chafe therefore go commando)
    (I know it’s a couple of letters late but I had a dream last night…)

  • Anonymous

    “Bella pretending to be a feminist”. Yep. Yes. This. Also 2 hours of headboard. Yep.

    • TeamSeth

      Yeah, and Bella pretending to be a vegetarian! FRIED CHICKEN FROM THE PAN, PEOPLE! FISH FRY AT HARRY’S until the rain starts because it’s inevitable since it’s Washington.

  • Anonymous

    Summit should really revolutionize the book-to-movie way of making movies and let the fans give input and help with filming and editing.  Just imagine how much money you would make then Summit!  Movie theaters would have to run us out of their theaters with fire hoses and shouts of “Go home!  Your husbands and children are looking for you and for the last time, no you can’t just stay the night here!”

  • Anonymous

    I`ve never seen that standing on the box picture, makes sense. The thing is, making Taylor stand on a box just makes him look small headed. And we know he isn`t the same height as Rob. Just stop.
    It might be wishful thinking (about my future teenagers), but I liked how Bella cooked and took care of Charlie in the books. I might be the only one.
    I think NM and Eclipse were at a slight disadvantage with hot Edward. NM was meant to be depressing, and Eclipse Edward was meant to be kind of wimpy and confused. Seeing as BD Edward is horrified through much of part 1….well……let`s hope dadward is hot.
    I hope they include when Edward stops cockblocking Bella after the first time, and finally tries again. I also hope they have Bella walking around in lingerie trying to seduce him after their first time.

    • https://me.yahoo.com/a/iNoy11YH1pbU7a.P7bdoq54i3FINJ.8k#6f742 pattygirl

      forget about Bella in lingerie, KS said it wasn;t her so she didn;t do that scene . Bella become KS not the other way around, big failure!

      • TeamSeth

        BIG failure. No one cares, KS. You weren’t paralyzed either, but you still did Cake Eaters (or whatever she was in that movie, I didn’t see it just read a review thing on it).  Sheesh.  ACTING!

    • Anonymous

      No you aren’t the only one regarding the cooking and cleaning Bella.  Her mom obviously needed a little taking care of too.  Plus, she was busy and clean.  I think we all might go mad with time on our hands without our hands on Edward.  (heehee)

    • TeamSeth

      “It might be wishful thinking (about my future teenagers), but I liked
      how Bella cooked and took care of Charlie in the books. I might be the
      only one.”

      aka you want your kids to do all the chores once they are 13?  I support that! :)

      • Anonymous

        Well yeah, something like that. At 5, my older son is thrilled to be allowed to make his own bowl of cereal, or when I let him crack the eggs by himself in a recipe. Or sweep the house. Or dust. Loves it. If he could just keep that youthful enthusiasm for helping out…..

        • Anonymous

          Haha.  Several years ago my daughter told her Grandma she was the Cinderella of the house because she had to help witht he dishes and the laundry.  Sad to say the enthusiasm doesn’t last for most.

  • Stacey

    I will admit, though I believe Cathy MIGHT be one ticket short of arriving to crazy town, that her Twilight was the reason I started reading the books.

    Let’s review on the Twilight movie…The Cullens were pale, but less corpse looking. I completely agree with Bunty on the contacts. Plus, the clothes were better. Not perfect, but better. Plus, I have no doubt that Cathy would at least made Bella were something a little better than the not fitted button down at the Graduation party. Seriously, what were they thinking?!? Alice would have held that girl down and physically forced her into something attractive. Nope wait…this IS movie Alice and they don’t have the best track record her either. ugh. Condon better bring a new costume designer to this one.

    I’ll just sit her and freak out until November. Oh and watch my favorite part of Eclipse. Riley waking out of the bar. It’s only like two seconds, but those two seconds are on repeat.     

    • Anonymous

      ARGH! The graduation party outfit! Really? Like she wouldn’t try at all? That irritated me from first viewing.

      I like Riley walking out of the bar too…and the music is too perfect.

      • ladyofthemeadow

        Well, the button down IS showing she’s trying. We just don’t appreciate it/ it’s just wrong. Bella would say it’s a step up from a tshirt, and she made an effort for the party. I say what a missed opportunity to put Bella in a really cute outfit. I think my first ever thought about the wardrobe was a few expletives about that button down shirt.

        Yeah, Riley, yum. 

        • TeamSeth

          Lest we forget the sweater vest Chris Weitz put her in during the scene where Edward talks over Peter Lambert (as Romeo, grin) casually letting Bella know he wishes he could kill himself more easily. Because that’s what healthy boyfriends do.

          • Anonymous

            Sorry, I didn’t notice what she was wearing in that seen :D

          • TeamSeth

            Good. You would regret it.  (mmm thinking about Peter Lambert’s voice)

    • chochang

      Please allow me to pull out my Twilight nerd card just this once..

      Karen Rosenfelt, one of the executive producers of the first movie, was also the executive producer of The Devil Wears Prada. I think (and I could be wrong) she gave some very useful input into the wardrobe choices for Twi. Too bad she didn’t herald the same position for BD 1 and 2.

      Nonetheless.. since we’re airing out emergency requests, maybe someone can write a letter to her too. Anyone? 

      Or maybe just an appeal to Bill Condon? I’d expect he’d have many friends who’d be willing to help our “cause”. I mean.. we can always trust the gays, right?  

      • Anonymous

        If you can’t trust the gays, who can you trust?

      • TeamSeth

        I trust Jack Morrissey! Let’s hope he was at the dailies.

    • Anonymous

      Love the music! And it’s the opening scene too, right?  I hear the Black Keys all the time now.

      Had to give in the other day and get my Twilight fix while the fam was away.  I only got to watch half but REALLY appreciated the smiling Edward and the better wardrobe, well, except for Bella’s coat.

    • http://www.talksupe.wordpress.com snowwhitedrifted

      Isn’t Bella’s birthday coming up? Can we all collectively get her a gift card to Modcloth?

      Get her off of regretsy.com

  • ladyofthemeadow

    “Bella pretending to be a feminist”. Ha, I’m not sure she even tried very hard.

    And, what 16 year old is *willing* to take on house chores? Find me one and I’ll adopt her. I think it’s more likely that she’d hang around until Charlie microwaved an extra frozen dinner. Then when she did take over the cooking and cleaning, it was just assumed it was ok (because she’s a girl? dunno) Sorry SM, this didn’t wash with me.

    • Stacey

      I would have preferred to see details of Jacob taking care of Billy. Not chasing after Bella, rebuilding engines and detailing the Rabbit, oh and don’t forget running perimeters for about 15 chapters of Breaking Dawn.

      That reminds me what I want for Breaking Dawn! Jacob, when he decides to be on his own very special wolf edition pity party, to be wearing the wolf teeshirt that Zach Gafiliakis wore in The Hangover. Then he can say to Seth and Leah when they try to join him, “I’m a lone wolf. I am a one man wolf pack.” Oh and he needs to add a man satchel to his jorts.  

      • ladyofthemeadow

        Good point about Jacob and Billy! Billy needs a lot more help than Charlie. I enjoy the earthiness and male-ness of Jacob fixing engines tho.

        • Anonymous

          Exactly, it’s not like Billy can do the ‘high dusting’.

      • Anonymous

        I am now putting money aside in an interest bearing account, saving up to pay Taylor Lautner to film this scene.

    • Anonymous

      I suppose it makes sense with her emotionally stunted mother upbringing, but it’s certainly something I do not relate to with her. Maybe it’s good to have a positive housekeeping role-model. We all grew up with Gloria Steinhem moms and maybe if there were more positives put on housework I would not hate it with the intensity of 30 white hot suns. “The mop! It burns us! It burns us!”

    • Keish

      Uhm yes. “I need to stop making out with my super hot boyfriend so I can go fix my dad supper.” Not reality

      • Anonymous

        I am so out of the loop, but I just found out that there is a Twilight Convention in Boston. Like, a couple hours from my house. I am way too second hand embarrassed to go, especially alone, especially because it’s 2nd tier wolf pack, mostly because, OH the Cringing!
        If you were all here, we would go, though, right? We would get drunk in the lobby and ask PFach inappropriate questions about Jenny’s Peach Pit?
        *sigh*

        • TeamSeth

          We would go.

          I didn’t go to one to see Daniel Cudmore for same embarrassment / time constraint / cost of gas / cost of going reasonings. AND…turns out some BS happened and they had to cancel half the stuff so it was a smart move on my part.

  • https://me.yahoo.com/a/iNoy11YH1pbU7a.P7bdoq54i3FINJ.8k#6f742 pattygirl

    You said it all Bunty! Cathy was the MAN , the other directors were Pussy!

  • blackgirltwihard

    Damn Bunty you nailed it…made my Monday!!! LMAO at midshag head butting!!!  Please believe you are not the only one, hun!

    • Anonymous

      once an entire jar of pennies fell on my head, midshag.

      yep I’m a sex goddess.

      • http://www.talksupe.wordpress.com snowwhitedrifted

        There has to be a “got paid for sex” joke in here somewhere.

        • TeamSeth

          and… there it is!

          • Anonymous

            thanks, ladies. :)

          • TeamSeth

            Just keepin’ it real.

    • http://www.talksupe.wordpress.com snowwhitedrifted

      I want Bella to get a midshag foot cramp.

    • TeamSeth

      All I can say is that I forever hate radiators. PAIN PAIN PAIN.

      • Anonymous

        but…but…the Radiator Scene. I loves it so.

        • TeamSeth

          NOT like that one. (and I love that too. Thank GOD I have another association with radiators now…. mmmm… so dirty and hot and just . unf)

  • Nelle

    Bunty- I love you. Don’t think I’ve seen so many truths is one letter. The different looks of Rob, the contacts- I’ve watched the movies so many times- always on Showtime on my little kitchen TV. I know every different look and the truck jumping/fixing bumper scenes is also one of my favorites. And omg- Not really liking Bella- just wanting to be her! You’ve finally consolidated my thoughts for me.

  • Anonymous

    “You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan.”

    Yes, a thousand times YES!

  • Yesjayme

    “The truth is I don’t know anyone who actually likes Bella, we just like
    pretending to BE Bella during leg hitching scenes. There IS a
    difference.”

    Perfect. 

  • toooldforthis

    This letter is so awesome that I don’t have the proper words to tell you how awesome it is.

    I just want to say one thing.  Under your “Delete” section – Number 5.  That entire paragraph makes me want to kiss you on the lips and I’m not a lesbian – I’m not even a fake lesbian.

    I’ve explained to my husband at least 100 times that Edward was in fact, NOT the huge pansy-ass that they made him about to be in the movies.  He never even came close to getting his ass kicked.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one that this annoyed the hell out of.

    • Vampmedic

      I agree!!! I have had to explain to my husband the same exact thing, “no babe Edward really isn’t such a pussy, he kicks ass in the books.” Mr. Medic- “sure he is”

      Ugh so frustrating. I know things have to change in the movies but you would think they would keep Edward a bad ass and not make him a pansy.

  • Anonymous

    This is fabulous. Bunty, please do something with the monstrosity I’m sure they’ll give us and make it into your version of BD. I also like sjaantje’s suggestion of having all the fans give input.  When a book goes to a movie there should be a panel of fans selected to work on the film. However, the selection process would have to be very carefully monitored… It would be FAR too easy to get all the crazies (ie no “biggest fan” contests where you get the special people who have a twi shirt for every day of the year).

  • chochang

    Down with the CRAZIES!!! The NORMAL ones are here to save the day!
    (Join the revolution.)

    P.S. Thank you Bunty. Couldn’t have said it better.

    P.P.S. Days ago, I claimed ownership to Stephenie’s finished draft of Midnight Sun which she refuses to publish because she’s already too embarrassed by the collective insanity of the entire Twilight universe. However.. if Scummit does manage to (at the very least) NOT screw up BD, I would be very willing to give up said ownership.  

  • Anonymous

    So, in a Twilight is my Life moment:

    6 year old just got home from playing at a house with a big giant dog. Big hugs, and then, nose wrinkle: “Ick. You smell like dog.”

  • Anonymous

    Oh Bunty, our hero!  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • antonia

    “Bella pretending to be a feminist.” The sole reason Bella seems like a bitch in these movies. Or maybe it’s just Kristen? Kidding. No it’s the feminist bullshit Melisa Rosenberg/whoever else is responsible (I’m looking at you too Wick Go-something.)

    • Anonymous

      Oh I could do a whole manifesto on the non-feminism of M. Rosenberg. She cut out all the most “stand up for myself”, “not a hollow shell of a human” bits from the book (No epiphany? Really? And only showing B’s insecurity in the Big Talk scene in Eclipse, not Edward’s too? REALLY?!)

      taking deep, calming breaths, deep, calming gulps of wine…

  • antonia

    and I disagree with one of Bunty’s bits. Of course there should be a Renesmee. Don’t worry Bella and Edward will still do it like rabbits or whatever it the problem is over the girl. Please whoever-makes-the-decisions, don’t make her look like a bad version of a female Chucky.

  • Cazza

    Dear Bunty,

    First things first, I used to read a British magazine with the same name when I used to be a good kid (please note use of Jacob language here). I used to love me some Bunty! It was also a name thrown around when playing jolly hockey sticks via the posh boarding school gals….oh the memories, anyhow I digress.

    Well done on writing such a funny article, I think I agreed with everything. Bella hitting her head a la vodka style made me giggle and Edward strutting up the aisle, well wouldn’t that be fabulous. If only.

    Thanks again, you made my day.

    X

  • Rosi

    LOL – That was great.  I’ve missed reading here… so glad I dropped by. :)

  • TeamSeth

    I personally would like to see Demetri trying to hunt Bella for the entire BD2. Never being able to catch her due to her shield and then catching Edward instead and having some red light district “torture” to make him give up Bella’s location. I could get behind that (heh) I might even venture to call Rob hot and doable then. j/s

    • Anonymous

      That must really be something if it would make YOU call Rob hot and doable!!! hehe

      • TeamSeth

        Hot gay sex between Charlie Bewley and Rob Pattinson?  Yes, that would really be something.

        I claim ownership of Cheese Wheels, Nipple Clamps, and Charob in Amsterdam During BD2.

        Because I’ve been to the future and I know.

        • Anonymous

          You have me rolling in a fit of giggles.

        • Anonymous

          ChaRob=Win!!!  I could go for that ;)

  • Anonymous

    re:not-even-fake-feminist Bella. How is she going to spend eternity now that she doesn’t need to cook (assuming Billy has 10 years max before he dies from a heartattack or accidently shooting himself while multitasking drinking and gun-cleaning) or go to school and chores will be done with vamp speed? Not even Rosalie and Emmett are getting it on all the time and how many times can you realistically reread Wuthering Heights?

    • Anonymous

      I think you underestimate the time and effort it will take for Bella to keep Edward from killing Jacob when Renesmee reaches sexual maturity.

      • TeamSeth

        THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!

        • Anonymous

          Nessie!

    • TeamSeth

      It all began with a choice.

  • Rebeccastokes1

    first time responder….Hilarious! Thank you

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