Advice for any situation…Straight from Twilight
Day 3 of my vacation & today you’re going to be entertained by The Plane Friend (you remember her- we went to the same college but met on a plane ride home from college & reconnected HERE on LTT!) I still miss Moon & got word from her yesterday that she’s wonderful, safe in Africa & loving her time! More when I return!
Dear LTT readers,
I was driving in the car, bored out of my mind (because my toddler wanted to listen to kiddie music and not my audiobook), and I got to thinking. What if, instead of Dear Abby or Dear _______ (Insert newspaper/blogging advice columnist here), there was a Dear Twilight? Can you imagine the great (read: horrific) advice you could get if every answer to a write-in had to come from the Twilight saga?
My boyfriend broke up with me and I don’t know how to get him back.
Dear Desperate Daria,
Well, you should, of course, find the nearest hot guy on a local reservation, become best friends, make him run around in a wolf costume (or phase into a werewolf if you can figure out some pretty amazing science crap), jump off a cliff, and fly to Italy—if you’ve made it that far without ending up in a psych ward or dead. That’ll make you ex come crawling back.
I can’t decide what college to go to. There are so many great ones. Which should I choose?
Confused in Columbus
Dear Confused in Columbus,
Well, forget college! Get married and pregnant at 18. It worked for Beller and Edward.
My car broke down on the highway. Help!
Stranded in Boulder
Dear Stranded in Boulder,
As long as it’s not a sunny day, call Rosalie…and Emmet to be her jack. If you’re not on good terms with the vamps, call Jacob, but be ready to bank roll the project yourself.
My husband and I are trying to sort through the options available to us to expand our family. What do you suggest?
Childless in Chattanooga
Dear Childless in Chattanooga,
Bella believes in having kids the old-fashioned way—even if it kills you or necessitates a vampire conversion. Esme thinks adoption is the way to go. Rosalie suggests kidnapping.
I don’t know what to name my baby. Please help!
Dear Mystified Mom-to-Be,
Bella says you should take the names of the babies two grandmothers, smash ‘em together, and create a new name. Even if you end up with something no one can possibly pronounce or spell. Like Karicia (Karen & Patricia), Gloron (Gloria & Sharon), Marothy (Mary & Dorothy). You get the idea. Edward says you should let your wife pick, even if she’s insane, because you feel so guilty for knocking her up in the first place. Renesmee says you should completely ignore her parents.
The possibilities are just endless. So what do you think, LTT-ers? What other great (horrific) advice could we get from our beloved books?
The Plane Friend