Advice for any situation…Straight from Twilight

Day 3 of my vacation & today you’re going to be entertained by The Plane Friend (you remember her- we went to the same college but met on a plane ride home from college & reconnected HERE on LTT!) I still miss Moon & got word from her yesterday that she’s wonderful, safe in Africa & loving her time! More when I return!

Dear LTT readers,

I was driving in the car, bored out of my mind (because my toddler wanted to listen to kiddie music and not my audiobook), and I got to thinking. What if, instead of Dear Abby or Dear _______ (Insert newspaper/blogging advice columnist here), there was a Dear Twilight? Can you imagine the great (read: horrific) advice you could get if every answer to a write-in had to come from the Twilight saga?

 

For example:

This is how you get your boyfriend back....

Dear Twilight,

My boyfriend broke up with me and I don’t know how to get him back.

Desperate Daria

Dear Desperate Daria,

Well, you should, of course, find the nearest hot guy on a local reservation, become best friends, make him run around in a wolf costume (or phase into a werewolf if you can figure out some pretty amazing science crap), jump off a cliff, and fly to Italy—if you’ve made it that far without ending up in a psych ward or dead. That’ll make you ex come crawling back.

Love,

New Moon

 

OR:

College? What's college?

Dear Twilight,

I can’t decide what college to go to. There are so many great ones. Which should I choose?

Confused in Columbus

Dear Confused in Columbus,

Well, forget college! Get married and pregnant at 18. It worked for Beller and Edward.

Love,

Breaking Dawn

 

OR:

Dear Twilight,

My car broke down on the highway. Help!

Stranded in Boulder

Dear Stranded in Boulder,

As long as it’s not a sunny day, call Rosalie…and Emmet to be her jack. If you’re not on good terms with the vamps, call Jacob, but be ready to bank roll the project yourself.

Love,

Twilight

 

OR:

Dear Twilight,

My husband and I are trying to sort through the options available to us to expand our family. What do you suggest?

Childless in Chattanooga

Dear Childless in Chattanooga,

Bella believes in having kids the old-fashioned way—even if it kills you or necessitates a vampire conversion. Esme thinks adoption is the way to go. Rosalie suggests kidnapping.

Love,

The Cullens

 

OR:

Dear Twilight,

I don’t know what to name my baby. Please help!

Mystified Mom-to-Be

Dear Mystified Mom-to-Be,

Bella says you should take the names of the babies two grandmothers, smash ‘em together, and create a new name. Even if you end up with something no one can possibly pronounce or spell. Like Karicia (Karen & Patricia), Gloron (Gloria & Sharon), Marothy (Mary & Dorothy). You get the idea. Edward says you should let your wife pick, even if she’s insane, because you feel so guilty for knocking her up in the first place. Renesmee says you should completely ignore her parents.

Love,

The Cullens

 

The possibilities are just endless. So what do you think, LTT-ers? What other great (horrific) advice could we get from our beloved books?

The Plane Friend

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
Posted in: Fan Letters, Twilight
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  • zzzKATEzzz

    He-he. My daughter would be named JoJo.

    Dear Twilight,

    My dad doesn’t approve of my boyfriend. I need a suggestion on how to show my dad what a great guy he is.

    Hopelessly Devoted

    Dear HD,

    I suggest undermining your father’s parental authority at every turn. Start by sneaking the boyfriend into your bedroom every night and don’t let him leave until morning. Then trick daddy into letting you go on vacation to Florida with him. It would be great if he also had a cute sister who could flirt with dad and lie to cover your lustful exploits, but not everyone is so lucky. Finally, make sure your boyfriend breaks up with you every couple of months. Nothing says marriage material like a guy who can’t commit.

    Best wishes,

    EAC

  • chochang

    This reminded me of Sleepless in Seattle. Tom Hanks will be a vampire in the remake, of course.

    Wait. A light bulb is shining right now.

    Twilight is just another version of Sleepless in Seattle. I mean.. the women in both movies fly cross country just to get to their men. Hmm..

  • Anonymous

    Let’s see… I have two daughters, so that means I should just combine the grandmas’ names both ways, right?  Which would make my girls Suelly and Hosan.  Wow, that would have saved me a lot of time deciding on names!

    Dear Twilight,
    I’m 17 and think this guy is stalking me.  What should I do?
    Creeped in Cleveland

    Deer Creeped,
    Is he hot?  ‘Cause if he is, you should invite him to go from sneaking around to hanging out with you all the time– especially watching you while you sleep.  So romantic.  
    If he’s not so not, he’s probably a serial killer tracking you.  Don’t bother with the police, though, just run away with your boyfriend to somewhere the creeper can’t find you.  Make sure you’re far away from your parents– you wouldn’t want them to get hurt if something goes wrong.
    Love,
    Bella

    • operarose

      I love that the simple distinction as to whether he’s a serial killer or not is simply whether he’s hot. Brilliant.

      • TeamSeth

        Only Dexter (and the Ice Truck Killer) do not fall into this. But, of course, they’re fictional unlike Edward, obviously.

        The thing is, this is actually somewhat true (not to this extreme). Think about it, if a really ugly guy continually called you, stood behind you in line for coffee, emailed you, wrote you poetry, played songs for you on his guitar even though he had mediocre talent, asked you to hang out…. you’d be like “GO THE FUCK AWAY CRAZY STALKER DUDE.”  But, make that guy really hot and suddenly it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

        • Anonymous

          this has always been part of my argument against the Stalker Issue:

          But–think about being 17, and the Super Crazy Hot Dude from school that you have a giant obsessive crush on. Think about SCHD, and then think about finding out HE has a giant obsessive crush on YOU.
          Think about Sean Duggan (he was a year older than me! he wore a leather jacket!) crawling in your window at night and professing his love for you. You are 17 and you are Fucking Psyched.

          As time goes on you find out that Sean Duggan is just a schlub and is still living with his parents and has some lame construction job or something. But that doesn’t matter when you are 17 and he is Bad and Wears a Leather Jacket. He was my Jordan Catalano.

          so: regular dude that you don’t know and don’t really think is hot: Creeper.
          Hot Guy that you have been crushing on and can’t stop thinking about: SCORE!

          • TeamSeth

            In so many words, yes.

            Unfortunately, I had to give up on hot guys.

          • ladyofthemeadow

            Oh yes. For me, SCHD was Dave Harris. Six foot three of pure muscle and hotness, football and basketball star, pres of the student council, straight A student, funny and totally popular, AND a really, really nice guy. He could have had any girl in our high school because we all crushed on him. To my utter surprise, he wanted me (maybe it was the prospect of some action with a bendy gymnast?) He wasn’t quite a creeper/stalker, but he admitted taking a detour to and from school so he could “bump into me” so we could walk together. We went out. He liked to carry me around school hallways, bridal style, much to my embarrassment (and up/down stairs was just plain scary). He was obsessed with my 34AA boobs. But, as time went by, he became more insistent that I join his church. He believed his pastor cured Dave’s appendicitis. He wanted to give me a gold cross. We parted ways gracefully.

          • Anonymous

            Sadly, real life SCHDs are rarely Edward-quality.

            UNRELATED:
            I had 34As too til I had a kid! Dudes don’t care! Boobies are boobies and boobies. I am sort of afraid to lose the rest of this weight because I am sort of used to rockin’ some cleavage, though. sigh.

          • TeamSeth

            Hm. I wonder what church Eddie would go to if he went to church?

          • TeamSeth

            Wouldn’t Jesus be the healer and the pastor just be the medium?

  • Anonymous

    Dear Twilight,

    I just survived a near death experience and have a cast on my leg.  My boyfriend insists on taking me to Prom.  What do I wear?
     
    Clueless in Cleveland
     
    Dear Clueless,
     
    Go down to your local thrift store and find a decent dress that fits and is clean.  Borrow your mom’s sweater to cover any bruises or scars. As for shoes, just throw on an old pair of sneakers.  What matters is you are alive and with you boyfriend, right.  
     
    Love,
     
    Twilight

  • TheColdWoman

    Bwah ha ha ha! LOVE these! I sincerely hope La Meyer is reading today.

    Dear Twilight,

    There is a crazy redhead stalking me. What should I do?

    Nervous in New Hampshire

    Dear Nervous,

    No problem. Have your boyfriend take you camping in the mountains in a snowstorm – it’ll throw her off your trail. To prevent freezing to death, also bring your hot boytoy to snuggle with. They will both be happy to help!

    Love,
    Eclipse

  • operarose

    Dear Twilight,

    I really love this girl, and she says she loves me too but she loves her boyfriend more. Should I do the logical thing and walk away from the situation and move somewhere else to try to find my own, better girl to love?

    Sincerely,
    PuppyLove

    Dear PuppyLove,

    Are you kidding? Whatever you do, do not walk away or do the rational, mature thing in this situation. Follow your heart, even if the girl’s boyfriend shows violent and possessive tendencies. You never know where your heart might lead you; you might just fall in love with their daughter someday.

    Sincerely,
    Twilight

    (haha…I went there. But I did it out of my love for Twilight.)

    P.S. according to Twilight, someday my daughter should be named Hella. Far too close to “Bella” for my comfort.

    • Anonymous

      Is it wrong that I don’t want to share the Renesmee worthy terrible name my daughter would have to endure, in case someone reading LTT comments knows me and then figures out who I am? I think it is….

      • operarose

        I wouldn’t blame you, can never be too careful!

      • Anonymous

        Do it!

        Mine would be Hopne, or Junpe

    • TeamSeth

      That’s Hella Awesome! (please make Awesome her middle name)

  • toooldforthis

    Dear Eclipse,

    My super hot boyfriend won’t have sex with me.  He insists that we get married first.  What can I do to get him to sleep with me?

    Signed,
    Horny Helen

    Dear Horny Helen,

    My suggestion is to go ahead and accept your boyfriend’s proposal.  But the first chance that you get, grab the local underaged hottie and start making out with him.  Then tell him you love him and want a life with him, but you are determined to stay with your fiance.  Then spend all night long crying in your fiance’s arms over the loss of your other boyfriend.  Your fiance will be so worried about losing you that he’ll agree to do the horizontal mambo.  (As a bonus, you’ll get to crush two guy’s hearts while you play with their emotions.  And what girl doesn’t love that?)

    Sincerely,
    Eclipse

  • Anonymous

    Dear Twilight,

    My supernatural boyfriend and I just got married and started having sex. He says he is not able to produce children, but I have been having weird food cravings and throwing up. Could I be pregnant?

    Fertile Murtle

    Dear Fertile Murtle,

    No! Of course not. If your boyfriend says he is not able to produce children, you should believe him. Don’t assume you are pregnant until you feel the baby move. Even then, if you can ignore the symptoms long enough, you could end up on I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant! Bonus! Plus, if he is a supe, his sperm would probably just blast though a condom anyway. If you are really worried, I suggest he at least pulls out. I’d wouldn’t let him do “it” on your skin though, you might get a rash. Have a towel handy, and use a Q-tip to swab a bit on your arm first, to see if you react.

    Love, Twilight

    Okay, Twilight is not that graphic, but I think I’m staying true to the logic.

    • Anonymous

      hahah! Oh my god I love the swabbing sperm on your arm to see if you react! Haha!

      My daughter would be Anil. Seriously. WTF, Bella?

      • Anonymous

        Anil is nice, but I would go Anal for flair. I think it could make a lovely trend of new and refreshing names. Should I have any daughters in the future (and I don’t think I will, so I can commit), I shall name them combination names. Ah, cute little Kathlemary and Roxessica.

        • Anonymous

          Roxessica Rocks! Definitely

          • Anonymous

            Hot name, right?

    • TeamSeth

      “Okay, Twilight is not that graphic, but I think I’m staying true to the logic.”

      Um…did you miss out on the birthing scene?

      • Anonymous

        Did I? I feel a re-read coming on.

  • alice_av

    Marothy LMAO!!!

  • Brazilian girl

    Just perfect each one of the letters! LOL

  • Bcmom2

    If I had a daughter her name would be Carilla.   Gee, thanks Bells! 

  • TeamSeth

    My daughters would be, respectively, Ancy Davibert and Nann Robvid.

    Robvid heh.

    Dear Twilight,

    There’s a boy at school who is telling everyone that I’m going to go to prom with him. But I’m NOT! Now the girl who is crushing on him hates me. The problem is even bigger because that girl, who is a biotch and I don’t like anyway (not that I hate people!), is besties with my only friend in HS (who I don’t like that much either). How do I clear up this rumor and not lose my friendship?

    Pissed off at Tyler

    Dear Pissed Off,

    There are two solutions to this:
    1) Rewrite your life so that this biotch isn’t in it at all, who needs those sneers and snide comments anyway, and so that this Tyler guy (going out on a limb here that Tyler is the rumor spreader) no longer exists after the first installation of your life.

    2) Wander into a dark alley of a neighboring town alone only to encounter a serial rapist and his buds. Freak out. Get rescued by your mind-reading crush and bitch about Tyler to him so he chills out and forgives himself for slacking on his stalker tendencies, enabling you to almost be raped and murdered. Also, make sure you both put your seatbelts on. Volvos can be very dangerous!

    Hope this helps,
    Twilight

    • Anonymous

      Ooh, I didn’t do the “Carlie” style middle names.  So that gives me Suelly Rual and Hosan Pudie. My girls better be glad I’m wasn’t disposed to this form of naming!

      • TeamSeth

        PUDIE!  Awesome!

  • Anonymous

    Dear Twilight,
    My boyfriend tells me he’s super dangerous and could crush me. He also seems to have this weird thing for blood. I reallly reallllllllly love him though. Should I be concerned?
    Sincerely,
    Nervous Nellie

    Dear Nervous Nellie,
    As long as you really really love him and he really REALLY loves you back, I think you’re fine. Odds are, he loves you too much to hurt you, right? Right?
    Best wishes,
    Twilight

    • TeamSeth

      Just like Beast from Beauty and the Beast…. except he did hurt her. But he took her back and all of that. You know the story. If you love him enough, he’ll stop abusing you and love you back. (ahem)

      ps-Nervous Nellie ftw

  • Anonymous

    Dear Twilight,
    My otherwise intelligent, good-looking, and talented adopted son has announced he is in love with a hamburger. My wife is overjoyed and as far as hamburgers go she seems nice enough, but it does seem a little weird. Should I be concerned or should I try to be ‘down with the kids’?
    Sincerely,
    Doubtful Dad.

    Dear Doubtful,
    Chill out and stop showing your age. Seriously,what’s the worst that could happen?
    Twilight.

    • Anonymous

      I think this one is my favorite so far. haha!

  • The Plane Friend

    Ok, nearly peed my pants laughing at all these comments.

    And my daughter should be named Gloron Jirry or Sharia Larim in the true Renesmee Carlie style.

    P.S. Is it LTT-style normal that I didn’t have to look up how to spell Renesmee’s name or have I fallen over the edge?

    • TeamSeth

      It’s so easy. I was never certain why people couldn’t remember to spell it. Renee for women always has two ‘e’ at the end. The name is basically Renee Esme Renee.

      (looks up from the cliffside tree I’m holding onto…hoping that the mountain goat will help me up and not ram me off. Hello normal people up there. Do NOT be lemmings. Do not.)

      (pps-I wrote “lemurs” instead of “lemmings” at first. Heh. Oops.)

  • Jennyb114

    Dear Twilight,
    I just moved to this town where some of my schoolmates are really creepily pale and have yellow eyes, and there’s this group of freakishly tall and jacked indian guys who follow me around. No one else seems to notice. Frankly I’m concerned that I may need to see a psychiatrist. Or is this town, like, mythical? I can’t seem to meet anyone normal.
    -AmICrazyOrWhat?

    Dear AICOW,
    No! You’re not crazy! At all! In fact, those kids with the yellow eyes, well they aren’t really yellow. They’re “amber” and it’s a totally real color. They are pale because, DUH it rains a lot here. That’s Normal. Also, the indians prefer the term “Native American”.  I think you should befriend them all. Or drink the town kool-aid. Whichever, just pick one so you can finally fit in.
    -Twilight

    • TeamSeth

      “What’s your favorite color, ma petite puce?”

      “It used to be something normal that people would respect and would assume I had an opinion on things–my own opinion. That I was my own person, self-respecting and capable, even if a bit klutzy. But NOW my favorite color is whatever your eye color is, set in the terms of gemstones, because that’s more normal than anything because I’ve surrendered myself to you and everything you are, I am too. So, today, as you stare at me like I’m a delicious heaping plate of mushroom ravioli, my favorite color on onyx. But later tonight when you creep into my room after having fed, WD40 in hand, my favorite color will be liquid topaz. And frankly, my darling, when you’re in the sun, my favorite color is the full spectrum–minus that 8th color I cannot see yet with my weak and lesser human eyes. And if you decide to cheat and nom nom nom a human, my favorite color will be ruby. Because you’re perfect. No matter what you do or expect me to do or make me do or not allow me to do.”

      “That’s so romantic. I’ve waited so long for you and I’m so glad you’ve given up nearly every aspect of yourself to conform to my standards and needs. But, if it’s not too much to ask, can you at least watch where you walk? Your klutziness is excessively unattractive–even more so than that hideous frumpy sweater of yours.”

      (ps-sorry for the West Side Story quote…it just fit so well!)

      • Rob’s Flaming Dashboard

        Ooh @TeamSeth, that’s the zingiest summary of what’s so annoying about Twilight EVAH!

  • Kaet

    Just as well I’ve only got a son, cos if I had a daughter I’d have had to name her Rosaloan Norbert…well either that or Joalyn Roman.

    • TeamSeth

      Norbert sounds like the name of a pet newt in Harry Potter.  OH NO! It’s the name of the pet dragon Hagrid gets isn’t it!

  • Anonymous

    Dear Twilight,  The love of my life left me for my cousin and consistently flaunts it in my face because we are forced to hang around in the same pack of friends.  Should I move away and move on with my life?  Sign, Leah the Man Loser
     
    Dear Loser Leah,  Def don’t move away!  This is your pack of friends too!  Put on your best bitch face and make him feel guilty and miserable at every opportunity by letting all his friends know what a bitter hot bitch you really can be! You can do that by running around with them in your jorts and cut off tshirt and being extra bitchy to the girls his friends like. 
     
    Love, Twilight

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