Breaking Dawn Calendar: Breaking Point

Dear LTT,

I have to say Summit has just gone too far.  The new Breaking Dawn 2012 16-month (why?) calendar is probably the most insulting-to-the-fans merchandise they have ever put out.  Not only is the cover a total Photoshop job, but the pictures inside of our lovely vamps are HORRIBLE.  These are beautiful, beautiful, actors, people, how can they make them look so ugh ugh ugly?  And the second thing, this is supposed to be a Breaking Dawn calendar, but it’s just headshots, no clips or indication that they came from a movie. They couldn’t wait to sell this before they had access to a few stills?  It’s nowhere near 2012 yet.  It just screams cheap subcontractor.  A cheap subcontractor who never saw any of the Twilight movies.   I probably wouldn’t have bought one anyway, but still, I’m a little peeved for the rest of the fandom.

Well, if they can do a cheap Photoshop hatchet job, I think I’m entitled to do the same.  My Photoshop skills are no better than theirs, but apparently that makes no difference.  I can make it more interesting, more relevant, more fun!  Last week I sent Moon and UC my first effort which you may have seen, the Star Trek Calendar:

Yes, I know they kind of look like bobbleheads (or the Thunderbirds from the 60s—check that out on YouTube!)  But I couldn’t stop there.  I was egged on by a few other faithful readers here, so I spent my workweek getting nothing done, but I did get some satisfaction, maybe revenge, and I’d like to share:

Who knew they made werewolf Smurfs, vampire Smurfs, and Smurfs getting married!  At least there’s a wedding theme here, which is more than I can say for the original!  And the werewolf Smurf is wearing jorts.

 

There was a request for a meat patty outfit for Taylor a la Gaga, so I obliged.  I apologize to you vegetarians out there:

so here it is, and I Gaga-fied everyone!  16 months of meat!  Rob’s not wearing meat, you say?  Oh, but he is wearing a spandex unitard and he IS meat.

And, lastly:

When I was surfing for images to steal use, I found out there was a movie of Wuthering Heights starring Ralph Fiennes and Juliette Binoche.  Rob worked with Ralph Fiennes as Cedric and Voldemort, and is working with Juliette Binoche in Cosmopolis.  Small world.  OK, I admit I don’t know who Taylor is supposed to be here, but let’s just say he’s the bad brother or the wimpy guy Catherine married?

You know I could keep this up forever, but I feel a little happier now and maybe I can get some real work done.  And on the plus side, my Photoshop skills did improve a bit, and I can put that on my resume because I’ll be looking for new job soon.  And feel free to download these, print out, and glue over the cover of your calendar copy.  You’re welcome.

The Old One

Update on Moon: She finally got to an internet connection this past weekend & poked me on Facebook- so I know she’s okay. She also seemed to get a kick out of all those “Countdown for Moon in Africa” pictures I’m  making (I’ve posed them on her FB wall) And I haven’t forgotten- has it REALLY been 15 days? AY! Get home Moon!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • Bubs

    LOVE the Wuthering Dawn Calendar. Taylor reminds me of a cute version of Napoleon Bonaparte. There’s no way I’m buying Scummits version…it’s downright ugly !!!!

    • MariaCecilia

      I couldn’t agree with you more! I still take out my New Moon calendar sometimes and sigh – that was so beautiful in comparison, and accompanied me through the months waiting for New Moon, Remember me and Eclipse. (Cue “Memories” in the background..)
      I just came back from a crazy work week and caught up on my LTT reading, and let me just agree with MarbleNutSlut on this: “Don’t devalue my obsession just because mine sparkles!”

  • MariaCecilia

    I love you Old One! *rofl* Thank you for my lovely Smurfs – they are almost as hideous as the original calendar shots! And I think you should submit your Wuthering Heights version to the calendar company, because that is an actual big improvement on the original! Who knew Taylor could look so good in sideburns and a Napoleon fringe? :-) This inspires me to fantasize yet again about all the historic costume period dramas I would like to insert my favourite actors into..War and Peace, here I come!

    • Anonymous

      maybe you can forward it to his agent- could be a big career move! Taylor in costume drama!

  • Anonymous

    Yes, a whole calendar of Trinity variations please. I’m beginning to see the attraction of the 16 month calendar. How about Ratty, Moley and Toad from Wind in the Willows?

    • The Old One

      Would Taylor be the Toad?  Hmm….

  • Anonymous

    you’re right, the possibilities are endless;

    I personally like He-man, She-ra & …Skeletor.
    haha

    Though I’d also like to see, Freddie, Daphney & Scooby

    (can I tel I was a child of the 80s?)

    Oooo! Zach, Kelly & AC Slater! Would that make Seth, Screech? And Renesmee, Jesse?

    • Anonymous

      Stop, please stop.  AHAHAHA!

      How many NCOTB where there?  Enough for the wolf pack to cover?

      • Anonymous

        Do you mean NKOTB?  There were 5; Dannie, Donny, Joey, Jordan and Jonathan….

        It would be enough for the core wolfpack; Sam, Quill, Embry, Paul Jarod.  We already have Jake and Seth covered, so there you go!  :D

        I could so hear them singing; “Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh!  Hanging tough!”

        *giggles*

    • MariaCecilia

      Hey, why not Luke, Han and Leia? Or John, Paul and George (OK, throw Kellan in as Ringo if you will.)

      • Bubs

        Actually, throwing in Jackson as Ringo might make more sense, at least he has “some” musical talent. Now if we were talking “visuals”, I’d be happy with a 15 month calendar of Tay Tay sans TShirts or maybe wet tshirts. However, since I’ve seen Robs back in the “Headboard Breaking Scene” part of BD’s trailer, he can be my December…..Christmas !!!!!!

  • purplescool

    Thank you for your very funny letter Old One!  I love the “Wuthering Dawn” version.  Maybe next, a Star Wars version – Bella as Leia, Edward as Han Solo and Jacob as Chewbaca.  The rest of the wolf pack would be the Ewoks, of course. 

    Oooh…how about a Brady Bunch version?  The ridiculous possiblities are endless…

    • MariaCecilia

      You thought of the SW-trinity too! I thought Jacob could be Luke and Rob could be Han, in the spirit of “good boy/bad boy”. And the Ewok pack – that’s just brilliant! :-) If you don’t want to make them all Chewbaccas, of course?

    • The Old One

      I love it!  Wolf pack is the Ewoks!  Grrrr, we’re so fierce!

  • Anonymous

    Hilarious! I love the smurf one.  It looks like they are made out of candy melts. That got me thinking of a cake topper with these three.  Bella and Edward on top, and Jake climbing up on the side, or standing arms crossed at the bottom with a scowl.  The Wuthering Dawn page is actually pretty hot. It reminds me of Wrenfield Hall. Where is NoCoolName?  Get her on here, stat.

    We miss you Moon!  UC is doubled over grabbing her middle because she feels so empty.  15 days?  No way.

  • Anonymous

    Hilarious! I love the smurf one.  It looks like they are made out of candy melts. That got me thinking of a cake topper with these three.  Bella and Edward on top, and Jake climbing up on the side, or standing arms crossed at the bottom with a scowl.  The Wuthering Dawn page is actually pretty hot. It reminds me of Wrenfield Hall. Where is NoCoolName?  Get her on here, stat.

    We miss you Moon!  UC is doubled over grabbing her middle because she feels so empty.  15 days?  No way.

  • operarose

    I, too love “Wuthering Dawn.” I would definitely buy a Breaking Dawn calendar if all characters were dressed up in Wuthering Heights costumes. Very elegant and classy. And the morning coat (or whatever it’s called) that Edward is wearing is very flattering, to say the least.

    • MariaCecilia

      Did you see the British TV-series “Lost in Austen” by any chance? Speaking of your weakness for these particular coats on tall gentlemen…Mr Darcy was pretty breathtaking in that one. I recommend it, it contains some nice “postmodern moments”.

      • Anonymous

        Seconding the recommendation. Elliot Cowan’s is definitely up there with Colin Firth’s Mr. Darcy.

      • Anonymous

        Lost in Austen was hilarious. Someone describes it as a cross between Pride and Prejudice and Life on Mars. You can get it on DVD in the US as well as the UK. There was noise in early 2009 about it being made into a film directed by Sam Mendes but no futher news. The Wuthering Dawn photo would also pass muster as P & P, with Taylor playing third wheel Mr Wickham. Nice feature, Old One! 

      • operarose

        Yes! It was wonderful. It was one of those things I found on Netflix and I thought it was going to be horrid, but to my great surprise and pleasure, I really loved it. I can’t imagine it being a movie, though; I loved how all of the great little moments were able to be drawn out. The main character was awesome. Postmodern indeed. Brilliant.

  • Anonymous

    I always seem to receive these calendars as gifts (dear relatives: please not this one!) so the Eclipse calendar is on my wall. Jacob has finally reappeared, looking adorable leaning on his motorcycle, so I’m happy this month. The New Moon one was long and had the month as a tiny strip under the picture. My solution to the one-Jacob-picture problem? If I didn’t like the month’s picture, I just trimmed all the previous month strips off so I could have January’s picture again.

    • MariaCecilia

      Yep, it’s March in my bedroom right now, because the New Moon calendar comes out when my husband is away on a business trip, and then Edward keeps me company instead… ;-)

  • Paolapattz

    C.O.N.G.R.A.T.U.L.A.T.I.O.N.S.
    That’s sooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!

  • Paolapattz

    C.O.N.G.R.A.T.U.L.A.T.I.O.N.S.
    That’s sooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!

  • chochang

    This post is EPIC.

  • Anonymous

    oh gosh the gaga-fied one killed me it was too funny especially Edward and his hairbow

  • http://twitter.com/o_Oza ooza

    The merchandise keeps getting worse and worse. I thought it would get better after the original movie. It makes me so mad because I would spend all my monies if only the stuff were cool.

    The calendars really are atrocious. The movie stills they’ve been releasing are so nice. Why not put those in a calendar. Also, I’ve been saying from the very beginning that they need an all Edward calendar. Throw Bella in there if they must, but I want Edward on every month.

    I ended up getting a Rob calendar instead. I hung it up at work. It makes me slightly more creepier than having a Twilight calendar. Oh well.

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