Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer! Rageward, Breeds and Awkwardness!

Dear Breaking Dawn and Bill Condon and Stephenie and LTT-ers,

OMG!!! I just got so excited, apparently it took a well timed and well cut trailer to get me back in this game but I’m here baby and we’re ready to break this Breaking Dawn trailer down!

So put me in coach and LET’S DO THIS! (sorry,wrong movie)…

The One Where They Can NEVER Get It Right…
Moon
: myelloooo runaways and eclipse are on tv right no. fyi
UC: orgasm. kristen gasm
Moon: oh nakey jakey….. ok anyway! so lets do this
UC: okay LET’s and i’m druhnk like runk! so sorry in advnace
Moon: ok go… AH it goes so quick in the beginning!
UC: is it suposed to sound like crap ? and just be FLASHES of images?
Moon: fun note/trivia: there is ALWAYS a beach/water in the opening shot
UC: ALWAYS

We look awful!

Moon: ok freeze it at :11 we HAVE to talk about carlisle’s awful hair. i mean WTF is going on?
UC: it’s falling out” early on-set vampire baldness?
Moon: even the ice truck killer behind him wants to kill that wig
UC: it’s fake HAHAHAHAH forgot about him
Moon: its like HOW do they ef up the hair EVERY TIME???!!! EVERY.TIME.
UC: EVERY TIME. the wig people must be OLD
Moon: like im pretty sure jasper has had diff hair color and style EVERY time
UC: yeah- NOT consistent with the book
Moon: alice looks like a soccer mom with a van
UC: hahahahahahhaahahaahah and Emmett looks like a Ken doll. Rosalie looks… the best! & Esme looks the same
Moon: i mean its supposed to be short and spikey not “i just cut orange slices for the soccer game” short

Bella: "FML!"

UC: and then there are the playboy bunnies behind them. Where’s Hef?
Moon: aawwwwwww, the girls next door showed up for the big day! aka the bitch edward ran off to in midnight sun
UC: Are they the denalis?
UC: They’re hot
Moon: yea the girls next door are the denali’s
UC: no wonder Bella was jealous
Moon: for realzzzzzz. thats like miss january, feburary and march coming to your wedding

I feel ill....

The One Where Cedric Got The Flu
UC: Are the girls, Alice, Rosealie and Esme not IN the wedding?
UC: I don’t know how I feel about this.. did that not happen in the book?
Moon: i guess not… i read it once, remember?
UC: haha okay

Moon: ok so we can see sleeves on the dress
UC: Besides looking like she stayed up for an all-nighter learning her “better for worse” lines.. Kristen looks GORGEOUS. Rob… ugh….
Moon: right kristen looks great. rob looks like cedric. the hair is SO awful
UC: Cedric with the flu. SO awful
Moon: like i said on twitter a few days ago HOW in the world do you make rob look bad??!! its like a summitt super power or something
UC: Yeah they are the ONLY ones. them at that photographer who shot Rob as a

I've still got that Snapple Cap

pre-teen in his boxers. they are the only ones
Moon: if they wanted him to look gross they could have just let him wear what he wore to set that day, or whatever he’s currently wearing in london RIGHT NOW
UC:
exactly
Moon:“as long as we both shall live” HALF SMILE. the edwad half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books
UC: FINALL Y. they remember we liked those first

Follow the jump because things get awkward, weird, inappropriate and everything else you’d expect from us

The One Where It Gets AWKWARD!

There go the virgins! Off to have sex!!

Moon: HAHAAHAHA everyone clapping. do you think theyre all thinking about how edward and bella are virgins??
UC: yes. everyone does at weddings. or at least my dad does “i know what they’re gonna do tonight.” I’m like “dad..they did that when they were 16″
Moon: its like those people who dont kiss till they get married and you KNOW everyone knows and theyre waiting for the moment. SO AWKWARD
UC: SO awkward…why did i just tell a sex story about my dad?
Moon: WHAT?! NO! YES! Sick!

SAD

The One Where We Love Jacob
Moon: DUDE my first gasp was when jacob came on the screen all sad and scruffy looking at :43
UC: okay JAKE? WHY? ohhh he comes to the wedding?
Moon: yea remember they find him running around canada or something and he comes back
Moon: why do i love the jakey so much???
UC: Taylor is heart-breaking
Moon: he’s supposed to have longer hair though <— I’ve become one of those people
.

The One Where I Laugh

On Nov 18... get ready to ice your vajayjay!

Moon: ON NOVEMBER 18………… get deflowered!
UC: get swept up by a dude who might drop you
get Fucked
Moon: ef a vampire
break a headboard
wear some ann taylor loft
UC: i love how HALF the trailer is the build up to the sex. good job Steph, you wrote it!
Moon: im sorry but that head board breaking scene just makes me laugh SO hard. i mean come on who wants to be effed that hard the first time that a headboard breaks???
UC: i KNOW it translated WELL on the page… NOT to video
Moon: like WHAT is he doing down there??? yea it looks CRAZY. kinda like your post on not being porn
UC: right, it reads different on the page! we don’t need it to be EXACT!! just a nice visual representation please!
.
The One Where Edward Is Such A Guy

Last night was better than my fantasy football league!

Moon: “last night was the best night of my existence” HAHAAHAH such a guy!
having sex = the best night of my existence
UC: haha of COURSE it was!! guys are pigs. Even Edward
Moon: the sex was the best night… not meeting you. GETTING IT IN
edward = dtf for 107 yrs
UC: hahahaha

.
The One Where Renesmee Speaks In Utero

I can totally hear you talking about me out there, you idiots

Moon: ok so they make it seem like Edward HEARS Renesmee in there. so what do you think renesemee sounds like to edward in utero? is she like singing bellas lullaby in there? reciting latin? making fun of his virgin performance?
UC: he prob does…. she’s like “Dad seriously ? could you calm it down a bit? You got eternity to break your bedroom furniture” “at LEAST wait until there isn’t a 3rd party listening”
Moon: and stop hitting me in the head…… HA everyone wishes
UC: hahahaha
Moon: a real life “vamp”
UC: HAHAHAHA Edward hears right before climax “DAD- I can FEEL that! ewww
inapprorpriate!
Moon: HAHAHAH EWWWW ok speaking of can we talk mechanics of this for a sec?
UC: sure
Moon: so he’s like ice cold. so cold bella shivers and needs to have a blanket on around him. so essentially having sex with edward is like sticking a BIG STICK popsicle up your hoo ha… am I right?
UC: I think so
Moon: how is that comfortable and sexy?
UC: I mean.. how ELSE can you explain it? maybe she goes for a run before hand? to get all warmed up? literally? so it feels good..?

I don't think I can walk

Moon: well doesnt he swim around the island to “warm up” before (or was that some fanfic?) but STILL
UC: that’s true. i thought that was just to turn us on… but whatver
Moon: so now youre sticking a half frozen otter pop up there?
UC: yeah….. i mean.. i’ve never done it… but i can imagine that’s QUITE uncomfortable… and NOT gonna help with the relaxing.. and stretching out you’re supposed to do when you do it for the first time
Moon: come on tell me from first hand knowledge about getting it in with a popsicle!!
UC: haha.. okay fine… sometimes… on hot summer days…..
Moon: HAHAHA
UC: i buy those ICEE packs? ya know.. the ones with 100 popsicles for $4.00 and well…. i shove some up there… just to pretend it’s Edward

For realz.

Moon: what about just going to 7/11 and going bottoms up to the slurpee machine?
UC: hahahahahahhahahaha same diff
Moon: ok cool… LITRALLY
UC: HA
Moon: so im glad we have that figured out
UC: me too
Moon: this has been mechanics of effing a vampire 101. thanks for tuning in
UC: Thanks Steph.. She’s like my 7th grade health teacher… only less lesbian
.
.

The One Where I Get A Lot Of Angry Comments

Srsly, this "McDonalds Arches" hairdo is awful. Even in '96

UC: renesmee is CRUSHING her
Moon: geez carlisle who’d you learn your bedside manner from? jack kevorkian? you wont deliver, your heart will give out
Moon: carlisle’s hairdoo at 125 was like SUPER popular when i was in like jr high.
UC: Alice looks like my 7th grade health teacher
Moon: only too lesbian
UC: how did they make Kristen look so….. Pregnant with a half vampire? she looks like she’s being eaten from the inside out
Moon: they just let her stay out all night and then didnt do any make up or hair the next morning. BUUUURRRNNN! (refer to where I said she looked great above)
.
The One With Matching Haircuts

I can't see Bella's future, or my own hair in a mirror

Moon: 134 stop it
Moon: alice and jasper are your 7th grade Health teacher and her “life partner” who got matching hair cuts on their weekend trip to vermont
UC: Alice is now a health & phys ed teacher, can no longer see Bella’s future.
UC: omg . my screen is stopped on a pic of Jake CLEARLY crying. poor kid do you think he’s upset cuz he got kidnapped when he was younger and saw his face on a milk carton?

I was abducted!?

Moon: HAHAHA HAHAHA. he’s sad his girlfriend doesnt know how to pluck her eye brows
UC: hahahah
Moon: and spends her time on missing persons websites

.
The One Where The Wolfpack Finds A Hobby

Sam, what kind of breed are we?

Moon: “WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY BRED!”
it could be a shitzu, or a yorkie, or a pitbull hybrid of some kind. we gotta protect our BREED!
UC: hahaha
Moon: the AKC will NOT like this
Moon: DUDE 151: i love Rageward!!!! RAWWRR
UC: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moon: YOUVE GIVEN ME NO CHOICE!!! i wanted the golden retriever/lab mix bella!
Moon: not the tea cup poodle!! this is shit!

The.

The One With Tension

Acting!

UC: so the WOLVES are going after Bella? that’s the tension in this film? other than the breaking of the hymen?
Moon: HAHAHAAH other than the literal tension in her hymen. yes it must be they crank up the wolves turning on them but dude how does that pay off? they dont fight!
UC: cuz to be honest.. if they don’t have that tension.. they have nothing… marriage. sex. baby. Wolves wanting to kill Bella which is barely what happens in the book. i know…. does it just end with them all waiting in the “waiting room” of the Cullen’s house while she’s in labor, screaming in pain….. placing bets on which “breed” the baby will be?
Moon: I’m betting on an English Bulldog… everyone loves a bulldog.
.

The One With Charlie
Moon: i broke down when charlie started crying at 2:07. i cant do charlie crying
UC: you cried? seriously!
Moon: NO…. i mean YES… i want to wipe the tears out of his mustache

UC: Ohhh poor Charlie. WHY is he crying?
is he looking at pictues of the last time he got laid? 18 years ago with Renee?
UC: Did he just finish a great cobbler at the cafe?
UC: IS he reminiscing about his friend, Buttcrack santa
Moon: he just learned they’re discontinuing Vitamin R
UC: HE just found out he actually has to fight crime today- and we’re not talking about bears stealing some campers food
Moon: he saw renee in her slutty cut offs
UC: there was a burglary… down at Newtown’s outfiters
He wishes he painted his cabinets yellow
Moon: HAHAHAHAHAA he wished he painted his cabinets yellow! HAHAAHAH nailed it
UC: hahahaha
Moon: he realized bella really does love shopping
UC: he saw Alice’s hair cut… and he knows what THAT means
Moon: he just read the break up scene in New Moon
UC: he watched the scene in New Moon the movie with the months & Bella twirling in a chair
Moon: he missed Face Punch in theaters. So instead he saw Love Spelled Backwards is Love… it was awful.
UC: He misses Solomon Trimble
Moon: His Kung Fu is not as strong as Harry’s
He saw everyone’s wig
UC: And on top of all of that, he remembered he hadn’t had sex since Renee left
Moon: HAHHAHAA
he realized the tux he wore to his and renee’s wedding doesn’t fit anymore so he has to buy a new one in Port Angeles

What a sham

UC: And there’s RAPISTS there
Moon: who drink beer in book store parking lots
come to think of it the hooligans in Port Angeles are LAME
UC: And also Jessica shops there.. and she’s so damn annoying
Moon: he just found out he’s a total failure as a cop and dad who missed the fact he lives in a town with an entire coven of vampires along with a pack of werewolves. Those Wolves WERE NOT BEARS! His daughter was sneaking out, her boyfriend slept under his own roof most nights, she then married her vampire boyfriend at 19, got knocked up and to top it all off Harry Clearwater’s fish fry is not, in fact, the best in the world.
UC: oh SHIT that makes me get a little teared up too
.

First Breaking It Down since I’ve been back and man, it’s feels good! What did you think of the trailer? Favorite parts, new things to laugh at? SHARE!

Love,
Moon and UC

Gifs and stills from: IceAngel, PattinsonStew, GayforTaylorLautner, RPLife

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Erkjelstrom

    So good!! I was wondering what was the deal with the hair too. Just let Carlisle have Dr. Cooper hair already.

    • Themoonisdown

      REALLY! i just dont get it. wigs ALWAYS look fake!

      • EternitywithEdward Since 6/09

        Except in The Help…Emma Stone’s curly wig fooled me!

        • Anonymous

          Bangs are the secret to a wig not being completely awful.

  • Nelle

    Rageward! The best surprise! That wasn’t in the book! Great breakdown ladies!

  • Anonymous

    I’m starting to think Bill Condon is Team Jacob. The kid is scruffy and crying and looks great, unlike almost every Edward close up.

    And LOL  for  How to ef a vampire 101 mechanics. Serioussly, that had to be explained.

    • Themoonisdown

      maybe bill condon is the gay behind gayfortaylorlautner.tumblr.com!!!

      • Bubs

        Thanks for the tumblr site Moon-being Team Jacob I really enjoyed it [and I thought I, found him HOT !????]. Notice how many comments there are today…you and UC are going to be busy for a while now. I never really considered the “popsical” concept before, you had me laughing so much I had tears forming- the scene with Jake and Bella dancing, brought tears to my eyes too. Good job Bill Condon.

    • TeamSeth

      (ducks preemptively)

      “The kid is scruffy and crying and looks great, unlike almost every Edward close up.”

      Um, yes. Obviously. Jacob was always more attractive than Edward close up since men took over the franchise.

      • Anonymous

        That’s right, Cathy was in luuuuuuuuuuv with Rob.

        • TeamSeth

          She started it!!!!

  • gizmo

    Edward looks so shitty I keep thinking they’re messing with us. I mean, there is really one thing they are supposed know to be working in their favor. And that is Edward looking hot AT ALL TIMES. THE HAIR!!! They can pretty much mess up everything else but I’d always have this to say: “Yeah, but Edward’s hot.” Or “Shut up, dude is hot.”  I don’t have that anymore. 
    He is downright gross from certain angles. I blame it on Rob. This has his name written all over it. Like the tweed coat.

    Other than that, I have to reread this shiz again for another round of the giggles.

    • toooldforthis

      R.I.P. bouffant.   :(

      • Themoonisdown

        *ugly cry*

      • http://pullmydaisy2.tumblr.com/ PullMyDaisy2

        I SO miss the bouffant.  Daisy dabs tears….
        The dark hair on Rob in BD is just awful.  And how can you make Rob look bad?  These people wrote the book on it.  He looks good drunk in a bar with a beard and beer dribble on his shirt and that’s the best they can make him look for BD?  LOL

        • http://pullmydaisy2.tumblr.com/ PullMyDaisy2

          The only thing they had to do to Rob to make him look good was tousle his hair and leave the make up OFF and we’d all have been happy.  Sigh.  WHy mess with perfection?

          • Bubs

            Exactly. Leave that stupid make up off !!!! He’s already pale, he’s English for God’s sake ! How hot did he look in the restaurant scene, first kiss/Bella’s bedroom and tent scene-in none of which he had white make up on. I may have the hots for Taylor [yummm] but I sure can “appreciate” Rob as well. [white make up and those silly wigs- doesn't Scummit ever learn].

      • gizmo

        This is T-shirt material.

    • ChillinWithCullens

      okay, I’ve gotta say it – was I the only one who thought Edward looked completely STONED at the wedding? I mean, come on!

      • Anonymous

        I think it’s the SUPER pale make-up.

      • gizmo

        Honestly, Edward always looks kinda stoned to me. But so does Bella. I noticed the wrinkles around his eyes in that scene, though. Isn’t it a bit early for that?

        • HowToBe

          Yeah but, he’s a smoker. He’s gonna get wrinkles earlier than normal. I’m only a year and a half older than him (of course I know my age in relation to his, duh) and I don’t smoke but I’ve got some fine smile lines

          • TeamSeth

            I’m your age and don’t smoke and I have eye wrinkles. I think it’s just genetic coding.

          • rob’smate

            Have you seen this man’s skin, it’s so perfect no blemishes pimples whatever, he has better skin than most.

      • http://pullmydaisy2.tumblr.com/ PullMyDaisy2

        Edward’s eyes look so much better when he’s hungry (dark brown). Perhaps Edward should have gone without the lunch of beaver before the wedding.  buhahahhhahah

        • TeamSeth

          I want to like this comment more than once.

          OT/OnT: Last night I was thinking of the closing shot of E’s eyes during delivery scene (we think) (cuz technically his face should be on her stomach ripping open the uterus #details) and I wondered how they do the black contacts that make you look like a demon (see Jekyl or The Omen) vs. the eyes he has in that scene. But I think you are right, they are just super dark brown colored contacts, rather than black.

          When I see him with black eyes, I always think of Crazy Eyes with Billy Black (driving #details) in Twilight. “Complications.”

    • Stacey

      As I’ve done in the last two movies, I’ve mentally stuck in the image of the original Edward/Rob and his original Twilight wardrobe. Maybe with this one, I’ll imagine WFE Rob. Without the period wardrobe…or maybe with it. You know how Edward loves period frocks. Though, I feel Reese’s wardrobe was too risky for Edward. Those 1930′s hussies!

  • Anonymous

    BEST POST EVER.
     
    I myself have often wondered about the icy cold business in a very innapropriate place.  That doesnt work, there is no way that she would enjoy that- no way- other items that could possibly go “up there” would eventually warm up, right? Not deer ole Eddy…  Feathers and bruises, no sweat, vaginal frostbite – major porblem.  Try explaning that to your Gyno…
     
    I could write a whole post on this topic, im glad you ladies brought it (hehe)  to the forefront. 

    • Anonymous

      The crazy thing about the whole popsicle thing is that you know there’s some crazy Twihard who’s tried it.

      • Raven4

        Ewww!  And, probably true, sadly.  Ugh.

      • lindsay

        I know, I totally thought about that

      • http://pullmydaisy2.tumblr.com/ PullMyDaisy2

        Yeah and besides it freezing my vajayjay all to hell, it turned my hoo haa grape colored.  BUHAHHAHAHHAHh (didn’t actually try it).

      • Anonymous

        Oh, have you not seen…wait, let me go look. Yes, this! It sparkles & is freezable http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/08/battle_of_the_insanely_awful_twilight_merchandise.php

        Just in case you want to…go all the way? Yeah. I also like the Stalkerward silhouette. Good stuff. 

        • Anonymous

          How many people spent $40 on that?  Any guesses?
          P.S. The silhouette would scare the bejesus out of me every time I walked into the room.  Or woke up.  Yaahh!

    • Anonymous

      The crazy thing about the whole popsicle thing is that you know there’s some crazy Twihard who’s tried it.

    • Themoonisdown

      i mean think about that kid in a christmas story who gets his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. besides how he would be frozen to her insides that means NO beeeeej action.

      • Anonymous

        they would need to be sure they had a glass of hot water nearby for some emergency thawing

    • http://pullmydaisy2.tumblr.com/ PullMyDaisy2

      Wrap little Edward in a tiny heating pad before inserting him in the bullet proof condom.  ;)  buhahahhahaha

    • Niki

      Now based on the theory of popsicle sex – think of how well the hot dog version would work in comparison O.o
      that alone should have been reason enough to go for Jake :P

      • Bubs

        Hell yeah !

    • TeamSeth

      Didn’t he close all the windows/doors in that room so it would become like a sauna for this very reason?

      The real issue, and solution!, is that they should have used a condom that was coated with the warming KY lube. I mean, OBVIOUS. (rolls eyes) This could have avoided a LOT of ‘killing you from the inside’ issues.

      And to THINK that Bella was all “I’ll go to Dartmouth and stay human for you just so we can have sex ALL.THE.TIME.”  Um, NO! New Hampshire is FREEZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Silly girl.

  • KStewBoy

    Best post on popsicle sex I’ve ever read!

    And Moon, I would be ticked about the ‘Kristen staying out all night’ crack if it weren’t so dang funny.

    ..and now I’m thinking of her going for a run before having sex… :)

  • Jayne Naughton

    Perfect breakdown!  And this trailer managed to make me completely excited about this movie.  How did that happen?  I love Rageward.  Maybe that’s what did it.  And congrats ladies — I haven’t pondered the fear of ice-dick since I first read Breaking Dawn 2 (3?) years ago.  Bahaha!!

  • Adrienne

    omg I’m a soccer mom with a van!

    • Adrienne

      “Last night was better than my fantasy football league!” haha this made me cry in a good way!

  • blackgirltwihard

    litrally  laughed til i cried …best break down ever…Edward does look zombieish at the wedding though…

    Re: the denalis
    Bella (walking down the isle):I’m sorry…. STOP! Bitch1, Bitch 2 & Bitch 3 need to go! thx!

    • TeamSeth

      I thought Bitch1 didn’t even come cuz she hates Wolves because they nom nom’d her Rasta Lovah to death.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, this is one of those details that’s off from the books that’s going to irritate all of us.

  • ChillinWithCullens

     omg – yes, this was the last straw! what the HALE is up with Alice the “fashionista” looking like complete shizz in every single installment?? Why does Summit feel the need to change the look of each character in every  movie? They are supposed to be frozen in time! Plus, we all LOVED how most everybody looked in the first one! It would’ve been better to just have Twilight, Twilight 2, Twilight 3, and Twilight 4: parts 1 &2!

    • Themoonisdown

      the fashionista who’s rocking JC Penny.

      Agreed they should have kept their looks the same. At least the hair.

  • TheColdWoman

    Oh how I missed Breaking It Down!! LOVE the photo captions, as always. And can I say how impressed I am with how pregnant, being eaten from the inside out, Bella looks??  Fantastically done. However, in that Only Choice gif, someone forgot to pack his Angry Eyes. Tsk!

    • Anonymous

      Pack his angry eyes!  Hahahahaha!

  • Anonymous

    Didn’t Edward choose Isle Esme because it would take the chill off him for the honeymoon, make it more ‘comfortable’? Cos having your husband’s doo dah frozen solid to your hoo hah is not going to make for an ideal wedding night, is it?

    • JennB33

      Would they run into the problem of moisture & cold metal? Like in “A Christmas Story”? Would it get frozen to her ladyparts? THAT could be uncomfortable.

      • Anonymous

        And how could a devil child be conceived if her cervix is frozen shut? We need to know! Has anyone here tried to use a popsicle as a contraceptive device?? By the way the name for a popsicle in the UK is a lolly. In the case of UC and Moon’s Breaking It Down above it should be LOLly!

        • TeamSeth

          This brings up the other issue of why the eggs would be all excited to accept super cold sperm. #suspensionofdisbeliefRUINED

      • Jennyb114

        I have ALWAYS wondered that!! What kind of lub are we using here? something industrial i’m guessing, right?

        • Anonymous

          Maybe that KY Hot and Cold stuff? Warm that bugger right up. *nods* OH! Maybe that’s part of E and Carlisle’s Baseball Talk, like at the end he just awkwardly hands E some warming lube. That would rule.

          • TeamSeth

            lolz I wrote this earlier w/out reading yours first. You and me, NutSlut, we’ve done it all.

          • Anonymous

            Have weird sex questions? Ask NutSlut and Seth! Between the two of us, we’ll know the answer!

          • TeamSeth

            If not, we’ll just ask Mack

  • Pdd912

    Problem was, they began this series with no vision. The people who made them are obviously not fans of the original material, no matter how much they claim to have enjoyed it and respected it AFTER they got the job. A person who’s read them before, actually enjoyed them, and “got them” would have had a vision of what the films and characters should look like and act like. They didn’t. The only thing they have going is the love the Twi readers have for the source and the love the audience has for the actors. The only director who even came close to getting it right was Hardwicke, and I still giggle at parts in the movie because it’s so darn campy (which I never thought the books were).

    • Jennyb114

      i want to “love” your comment. because this is so dang true. I would settle for self-aware camp rather than this mess of incontinuity.

    • Themoonisdown

      PREACH.

      ps campy is the perfect word for the 1st film

    • Stacey

      I love the camp!

    • Bubs

      If this Movie turns out as good as it seems from the trailers [ie Ms Rosenberg has finally kept to THE BOOKS], then I feel we should have a petition for Bill Condon to refilm Eclipse [with a script that actually relaltes to the book-not what Ms Rosenberg thinks should be left out]. I’m still happy with Twi and New Moon. I guess we’ll know if it’s worthwhile begging for another version after the Midnight screening of BD. Bring it on !!!!

  • Anonymous

    I was proud to see the first thing you mentioned was Carlisle’s hair. I had a hard time paying attention (during the trailer) after being highly distracted by it. Very a member of N Synch’s too yellow bleached hair in the 90s. Actually my hair looked a lot like that before I got the hang of bleaching (gotta be on virgin hair, can’t go from brown to red to blonde). Oh Carlisle.

  • Michelle

    You girls nailed it. I was snorting my coffee and laughing SO loud at work. Awkward when you sit alone in an office.

    My first thoughts…

    . How did they make Daddy C look ugly? I mean Peter’s all kinds of HOT.
    . Kristen looked gorgeous at the wedding and freaking all kinds of believeable on her death bed. It MUST have been the all nighter because if Summit’s makeup artists were THAT good we wouldn’t have uglyward. Ever.
    . How hot Jacob looks. Dear sweet baby Jesus I just may switch teams. Or not…
    . I had to pause at the wedding showing the whole family on the front row. Okay, I think I’m the only one but I LOVED Alice’s wedding hair! Very “flapper”ish. The rest of the clips with her in it sucked though. I thought everyone else looked great except Esme. Poor her. Can they MAKE her look any more plain? I thought she was supposed to be gorgeous too?
    . I always worry about the hooha frostbite myself. Maybe they sell insulated condoms….ohhh but then we wouldn’t have devil-child.
    . Charlie crying kills me.
    . Angryward. I had some SWEEEEET dreams after seeing THAT before bed. Mommy likey. It’s about time he laid off the emo. HOT.

    I loved this trailer…but am sad too. From what I see they’re changing things a lot from the book. Charlie shouldn’t cry till Part 2. Vamps never fought wolves. The only redemption here is the book was kinda lame…so maybe this will be BETTER. ;)

    • Anonymous

      Insulated condoms FTW.  And I like the flapper hair at the wedding too… what it appears to be in the rest of the movie, however…

    • Anonymous

      Insulated condoms FTW.  And I like the flapper hair at the wedding too… what it appears to be in the rest of the movie, however…

    • Anonymous

      Also, I don’t know if the husband’s going to survive sad father-of-the-bride Charlie, let alone me.  He was all worked up about Charlie already just watching the trailer last night.

      • TeamSeth

        awwww!

    • Bubs

      Maybe Charlie’s upset ’cause he can’t get to see Bella [in part 1] and as for the wolves v vamps fight scene, I’m presuming it’s some sort of dream sequence  otherwise it doesn’t seem to make sense.
      Just my thoughts……

  • Sue G.

    “On Nov 18… get ready to ice your vajayjay!”

    FUNNY!

  • alice_av

    I need to stop laughing so I can write something properly. So far Angryward I loveeeeeeeeeeeee him

  • Emily Becker

    You gals are awesome.  This makes my day.

  • Sagalvr

    Thank you for making me fall over I was laughing so hard! The breakdown of why Charlie is crying is the BEST :D
    Edward looks like a Dad–safe and dressed in clothes from Target.
    Jacob is all kinds of hotness and might pull off the least awkward performance of this ridiculous story. 
    About the ice in the pants, all I can say is that I would risk frostbite for book Edward.
    The line “best night of my existence” gave me a flashback to New Moon–wasn’t this line used before? Like around the “leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve done in 107 years” time (?) and also in Eclipse there’s a similar phrase.
    RAGEWARD is AMAZING! So glad they had Edward show some energy!
    Even though I am cringing at many points of this trailer, I can’t WAIT to see the finished product. Damn you Summit.

    • Themoonisdown

       “Edward looks like a Dad–safe and dressed in clothes from Target.”

      TRUTH. and thats why i think i dont really like edward in BD. he’s safe now. they neutered him. and isnt that what everyone likes about edward he ISNT safe?

      • Stacey

        Except when Edward growled at Bella, but I bet in the movie the scene continues where he immediately apologizes and throws his body on hers, weeping venom all over her. Which is is unfortunate, because I feel that stuff would stain the sheets. 

        Also, it seems everybody else is fighting with the wolves. Emmett and Jasper in particular. Edward was in a fetal position in a corner muttering to himself.

      • Anonymous

        Once the honeymoon is over Edward kind of disappears until the very end of Breaking Dawn, even in the book.  Probably why lots of fans don’t love the book.  Also probably why it’s the husband’s favorite.

  • Anonymous

    I thought the trailer was rather fabulous until the end where the last thing you hear is Kristen’s stuck pig squeal. I giggled just a little at that. But otherwise, outside of the hair, the fact that I couldn’t really see the shots because of the constant fading in and out, the wolf-fighting vampires, and the hair again, I liked it.
    Hilarious post, ladies. I was thinking of sending the link to one of my new Twi-friends, but I don’t know her that well and I’m not sure how she would feel about a discussion of popsicle sex, as appropriate to the trailer as it may be…

  • Anonymous

    First reaction to the trailer (watching alone): HOLY CRAP, this movie might actually be GOOD!
    Watching second time with unicorn-in-denial husband who hates the movies: 
    Me: “Aw, poor Jacob Black.”
    Him: “Don’t worry about him, he imprints soon.”
    Me: “That just makes me worry about the actor’s career.”Him: “Can we watch it again?  I missed everything with all the fade outs.”
    Me: “Oh, we can just look at screen caps.”Him: “That would be better… So they’re amping up the the fighting with the wolves?”
    Me: “They kind of have to or nothing happens in this movie.  In the book they just run around in circles for hundreds of pages.”Him: “Yeah… Makes for good reading but a boring movie.”
    Notice that there was no mocking.  Even that I knew where to find a bajillion screen caps.  This was not the case with the teaser trailer which, I’ll admit, was a bit embarrassing at times.
     

    • Themoonisdown

      dude srsly the fades make it insane to try and pause or screencap. THANKS editor!

      love unicorns in denial!

    • TeamSeth

      Him: “Don’t worry about him, he imprints soon.”

      Um…can I go watch it with your hubs too? He sounds like a good break-it-down viewer. Maybe I can just join you guys for ice cream afterward? :)

      Also, the video UC/Moon posted on the blog was super awful for the fade in and out, but the HD one on IMDB looks great (I thought).

      • Anonymous

        … we could meet halfway and see it in The Dalles.  Or Tri-Cities.  The good news about that is nobody we know will see us.  The bad news is it would make finding a babysitter harder.

        • TeamSeth

          omg I forgot you live in these parts! The Dalles! lolz Hood River is cuter…more like Port Angeles’ downtown. Um… yeah. Let me know :)

          • Anonymous

            I think Tri-Cities is closer to a mid-point, but in no way cute.  I gotta get this baby to take a bottle so I can go ANYWHERE without her.  If that comes to pass in the next two months, I’ll holler.  Though there was that letter earlier this week from somebody else right there in your town, so you’re set for somebody to go with.

  • JennB33

    So amazing. Your breakdowns never fail, ladies! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I’m going to see BD just for the Robward, the rest I’m sure is going to disappoint.
    I’m sure you all saw that pink sparkly dildo that was making the rounds on the Interwebs. Just throw that bitch into the freezer. BAM! Robward-o!
    And, why does Bella have a wedgie in the vampire spawn scene? Is this how Bill stays “down with the kids” or is that a shout out to Tom and his hungry ass?

    • KStewBoy

      I missed the wedgie – must rewatch!

      • JennB33

        Just look at the screen shot, at the reflection in the mirror. :)

        • KStewBoy

          Thanks, Jenn – now I see the cotton-covered KStew bum.  I was focused on the vajajay area.

  • JennB33

    Also: dear Summit: please get people who can do hair & makeup on your payroll. Thank you.

  • Angiepro4

    YOU LADIES ARE A RIOT!!!!! I about pee’d myself SEVERAL times! :)

  • Pammy

    Love you girls! You made my day! Here’s to headboards and angryward! Rawr!!!!

  • Deborah Blount

    SOOOOOOOOOOOO funny!!!  You gals are amazing . . . .I am still laughing just trying to write this post.  You have to LOVE it to make it so hysterical.  THANKS!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Most brilliant break down ever!!

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for a truly inspired break down, ladies!! I’m glad to know that not everyone loves the headboard breaking. It kind of makes me squirm–and not in a good way. In a second-hand embarrassed way. And seriously, Summit HAS to have heard the overwhelming criticism of the hair and make up from the other films, so maybe this is them trying to be better. YIKES. 90′s nostalgia is great for things like Guided by Voices and Pavement getting back together, but let’s leave JTT haircuts in the past, please.

    • Themoonisdown

       “90′s nostalgia is great for things like Guided by Voices and Pavement
      getting back together, but let’s leave JTT haircuts in the past, please.”

      marry me???

      • Anonymous

        Sure, but only if I get a cheese grater ring out of it.

    • Anonymous

      Seriously, what died on Carlisle’s head?

      • TeamSeth

        Jasper’s wig’s baby from NM & Eclipse.

        • Anonymous

          Hehehehehehe!

  • Bleriana

    Omg I’ve been laughing out loud the whole time reading this… Nice breakdown ladies!

    RAGEWARD FTMFW!!!

  • Meghan

    E P I C.

  • Bleriana

    p.s. UC and Moon,
    remember that weird Edward Sparkle dildo? The Vamp (Why the fuck do I know how it’s called??). It can be put into the fridge aswell you know. For a more “authentic” experience… *shivers* (and not for a good reason=

  • Anonymous

    OMELE..I can’t stop watching the trailer..seriously..can’t stop..it must be a Jasper influence or something LOL..I don’t care what it takes I WILL go to the movie theater and SEE THIS MOVIE..I might even camp out..YES I ADMIT THAT I WANT TO SEE HIM, I MEAN THE MOVIE THAT MUCH :) HUGS!

  • Ms. J

    BEST. BREAKDOWN. EVER.
    Started reading this morning but had to wait till lunch to finish so my boss wouldn’t see me crying/laughing/snorting.  Just too funny.  You girls are the best.

  • http://letterstotwilight.com UnintendedChoice

    wow i was drunk i barely remember this. also this seems funnier (and grosser) the 2nd time around. 

    • Themoonisdown

      i was thinking the same thing

    • Stacey

      I think I wish I was drunk when I watched it. :0)

      • JennB33

        I wish I was drunk when I watched it.

  • http://letterstotwilight.com UnintendedChoice

    Moon: “I was abducted?” WIN

    • Themoonisdown

      you’re welcome

  • http://pullmydaisy2.tumblr.com/ PullMyDaisy2

    ah reminds me of you guys and JAG on RAOR.  Sigh…the old days.

  • Anonymous

    WOW sorry, I was so “in to” the trailer that it took me quite awhile to  read your awesome breakdown!! UC/Moon seriously, I was blushing/laughing needing a drink myself over your comments!! I miss you guys so much!!! Love you!!! 
    Also, I was so disappointed to hear on a show this morning that there is no such thing as “Bed breaking sex”…way to ruin the dream..

    (Moon the “pups” are so freaking adorable and growing..well except for “Peanut” who is still only 4lbs tho his brother is 12lbs!) :)

    • Stacey

      We’ve missed you!

      • Anonymous

        Sure missed being here too…gonna try to stay here now that I am back..been a crazy summer..HUGS!!

        • Anonymous

          Cyn is back! :)

          • Anonymous

            Thanks! Hugs! :)

        • Anonymous

          Have you read the other books yet?

          • Anonymous

            Been working Non-Stop on Breaking Dawn so I could come back to LTT and join in…HUGE challenge, Twilight took me a year WITH the movie..(SM if your reading today, an advance copy of BD would be a HUGE help,..just sayin) 
            I should be done by the time part 2 comes out on DVD LOL!  :)

  • Anonymous

    “The AKC will Not like this” I nearly spit water on my laptop!

    I like the “ugh! must not kill bella must crush headboard in AngstRestraint”, but Mr. Slut thought the same thing you guys did. He was like, “How does that not kill her?! Fucking her so hard he breaks the headboard means a broken pelvis at minimum.” 

    Can we break down Rageward for a minute? Because I am All About Rageward for sure, but the trailer makes it seem like he is yelling at Bella, which, NO. Especially then, he is all emo-dude with her because she is about to die. So, I know, EDITING, but who is he saying that to? Rosalie? Jacob? (“Goddammit just have puppies with her, will you?!”) 

    Thoughts?

    • Stacey

      I think he was yelling at her and that led to his crying, apologizing and then littering her room with flowers. Then trying to sing to her and brushing her hair, which would make her want to punch him. I remember being pregnant with the morning sickness and have a good feeling that Bella was about to start a bonfire for him. To be in. 

      • Themoonisdown

         ive never been preggo but someone tyring to brush my hair would make me feel violent. especially after him yelling at me for something he was A PART OF!!!

        • TeamSeth

           especially after him yelling at me for something he was A PART OF!!!

          THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t get me started. I hate Edward in Book 2 of BD. HATE. Asshole. Hrmph.

    • Anonymous

      I think he’s actually yelling at her.  Boy does get pretty pissy sometimes, despite thinking she’s made of sunshine and rainbows.  From that and the scene with Carlisle telling her she’s going to die it looks like they’re really going to play with them trying to talk her into aborting the baby.  It’s a clever move– expanding an ‘off camera’ part of the book, and should be a good way to develop the relationship with Rosalie better.

      • Anonymous

        huh. I don’t really remember, I guess. My impression was that we was like Mr. Low Self Esteem I Hate Myself So Damn Much Guy. ‘

        That would be interesting, showing more of them trying to talk her into aborting. Like it.

      • TeamSeth

        Right, with Rosalie… wherever she is… NOT in the trailer! (yes, I know she’s in 2 segments of it)

    • Anonymous

      Oh, also, bed-breaking… I always imagined just a grab of the headboard with a hand to divert some excitement… it looks here like he’s using it for leverage though and that… that’s a broken pelvis, Mr. Slut is right.

      • Anonymous

        I wonder if Mr Slut would be available to do the DVD commentary?

        • Anonymous

          you have no idea how epic that would be.

          • Anonymous

            With SM.

          • TeamSeth

            Actually, I do know how epic that would be. Can he do PIP cuz his mustache is so cute!

          • Anonymous

            hee hee. I think we should get the Misters together to do the commentary and sell it for people to listen to over the movie. This is how UC and Moon will finance LTT for the rest of our lives so we never have to give up the magicness.

        • operarose

          There would be something so sublime about a group of our husbands doing the DVD commentary. I think I’d rather watch(listen) to that than the movie itself.

          • Teamseth

            Mr. Seth used to do V.O. work… I think this could be a best-selling itunes download. j/s

          • Anonymous

            Does that mean he has a Chaske/Barry White voice? Oh my.

          • TeamSeth

            More like original Twilight Zone narrator.

    • Themoonisdown

      mr slut is so smart

  • Wendy

    This breakdown was epic.  Laughed so hard I hurt myself… 
    Now I will be thinking about popsicles through all of the sex scenes.  And I will get cracked up during Charlie’s sad panda scene.  And the word ‘breed’ will now take on a whole different meaning during the movie…

    And I will be depressed because even with an awful wig, Alice is still a hotter soccer mom than me.  I bet her van is nicer too.

  • Stacey

    The trailer is making me confused. Isn’t this the book where the love triangle is over and love of slightly questionable origins begins? This trailer makes it seems that Jacob is still in the running for Bella. That would make him a homewrecker, werewolf style. I don’t believe that is Twilight approved.

    The awful hair is making me giddy with excitement! I really thought the Cogdon would bring out all the stops with the hair and wardrobe department. Guess not. Alice is supposed to be FASHIONABLE! I am also thinking Alice’s wedding hair is supposed to be inspired by the 1920′s flappers, but it didn’t quite work. Rosalie looks really nice, though. (Better than those Denali’s)My problem with the trailer is the show the whole story! It’s like the promo department tried to cram in all of the elements that they thought would bring in an audience. Look, it’s a wedding for the romantic young girls! Look, Edward’s breaking a bed and the feather aftermath for the pent up cougars! Look, wolves growling for the ten males being dragged to the theater with their wives! Look, the most frightening birth ever for…umm…well…nobody really WANTS to see that or the part they left on the cutting room floor when Jacob tries to clean the baby with his tongue. (Ahh, inappropriate young love, but remember at this point he only sees her as the future love of his life. That makes the licking completely appropriate in wolf terms and gross in ordinary humans.)

    • Themoonisdown

       yea, im not happy they gave the whoe darn thing away. so we can assume pt 1 ends with a baby crying and we have to wait till pt 2 to even see her/jacob/imprinting and beller as a vamp…

      • Anonymous

        didn’t some gossip say that Edward hears Jacob loving on his baby while he pines away after 3 day dead Bella, and that’s when E goes all aggro and is like DUDE. No baby love WTF?!

        then, Red Eye Bella. GASP. Roll credits.

        Also: I do not care I will watch the shit out of this movie like whoa.

    • Anonymous

      Jacob’s lost at this point, but there’s more of him in BD than anywhere else, thanks to that section he narrates.  We tend to forget that while we’re dreaming of Isle Esme.  And Edward does try to make Jacob a homewrecker with that whole puppy suggestion… 

  • Anonymous

    You 2 should definitely do the breakdowns after a few drinks from now on! I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I had tears rolling down my face.  

  • Anonymous

    “HALF SMILE. the edward half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books… they remember we liked those first” 
    Truth.
    “I’ve still got that Snapple cap”  Hahaha!
    Also: Can we talk about how it looks like they may be doing the birth scene? The fade in and out is really cool because it’s how it would really be from Bella’s perspective, and basically how it is in the books… but if it lasts more than 45 seconds of in and out like that we’re all going to be twitching in our seats.

  • Anonymous

    Love, love, love, love, love.

    THIS post is exactly why I love you girls.

    Thank you for this. I needed a smiler. :) (phone word guess failed and guessed “smiler” instead of “smile” I was about to fix it, but ut made me think of “Beller” so I kept it)

  • Anonymous

    Love, love, love, love, love.

    THIS post is exactly why I love you girls.

    Thank you for this. I needed a smiler. :) (phone word guess failed and guessed “smiler” instead of “smile” I was about to fix it, but ut made me think of “Beller” so I kept it)

  • Anonymous

    Nope. I can’t agree with you on the busted up headboard/window sill. I like it. It’s hot.

    See, I see it that he isn’t effing her so hard he beaks the headboard, more likehe’s using the headboard to keep himself in control so he doesn’t eff her that hard.

    Who am I kidding? I’m not thinking, “this is her first time, ouch.” Or really anything else. Just that it’s hot.

    He’s not on her like a vampire jackrabbit so I was happy because that was a legitimate concern of mine.

    • Anonymous

      Preach it, girl. I am all about the hot sexy lovin’. And right, the True Blood vampire jackrabbits are not for Edward. Maybe Bella, later, but Edward’s a gentleman.

    • Michelle

      Is it super twi-nerdy that I keep thinking…headboard isn’t first time? So maybe it’s a few times in and she’s ready for some bangin’ sex? LOL.

      First time – feathers.
      Later on – headboard.

      Yes, I’m wearing tweed today.

      I LOVE your…”See, I see it that he isn’t effing her so hard he beaks the headboard, more likehe’s using the headboard to keep himself in control so he doesn’t eff her that hard.” Spot on! ;)

      • Anonymous

        no, you’re right. First time, feathers. Then, he harshes her post coital mellow by being all, oooh I bruised you I’m a monster. Finally she is like DUDE. I need your lovin’ so bad I am straight up CRYING. And he is like, well damn girl!

        Then, headboard.

        I am very street when I have had too much tea. Word.

        • Anonymous

          I love that tea makes you street.  

          • TeamSeth

            Me too.

    • Anonymous

      WHAT YOU SAID!

    • Anonymous

      WHAT YOU SAID!

  • http://www.facebook.com/JBnPack Jacobblack NPack

    You guys are hysterical.  I LMAO at your Breaking it Down!
    I enjoy your blog so much I often link you guys on my website.  I’d love to Break some stuff down with you guys sometime..( I have the Wolf girl POV 100 % represented..my screen name on site is Jake’s Girl, so yeah)  Jake is gonna steal the show here ladies!  How can you NOT get to the end of BD and NOT be Team Jacob??
    Great job, as usual..thanks for the laughs!

    • Michelle

      I’ll give ya the he’s hot in BD thing…but he imprints on a baby. Creeptastic.

      Team Edward baby. ;)

  • Anonymous

    So I’ve been to those adult toy parties, you know; Pure Romance, Party girl, etc.
    I remember at one they showed and talked about a glass “unit” and boasted that it could be put in the freezer to make it cold or it could be warmed up. I remember looking at the woman like, “seriously?”

    One day, I don’t remember why or how that glass thing was brought up in conversation, but I relied then that little did they know at the time they had created THE perfect Twilight sex toy (this particular party was pre Twilight being published). I wonder if they have it still, if the reps pitch it to the young chicks by saying something like; “This is a very versatile toy, no mater what team you’re on.Team Edward? Put it in the freezer before use. Team Jacob? Run it under hot water before use” (or microwave it or whatever you do to make it 108°)

    • Anonymous

      Soooo you’ve been to one of “those” parties? Do tell, did you purchase the hot/cold glass item perchance cause I have a feeling as November approaches, they are going to become scarce! :) Hugs you! 

  • Layla

    The Cullens look like a bunch of circus clowns :/
    And if Jacob gets the short end of the stick in BD the least they can do is to make him look good. It’s only fair.
    The fake fight between the vamps and the wolves is a joke, never happened in the book and only makes the pack look like the bad guys.

  • Sisterpenguin

    Well worth the 24 hour wait young ladies (the frustrations of UK time + work) but I’ve been belly laughing since.

    Sorry if I’m repeating stuff but there’s 100 comments(!) and I need to crash.

    How, with the increased budget and our opinions so easily sought can they have mucked up the hairdos again? (see 03:32 and 05:50 http://nikkireedfan.com/videos/view/nikki-kellan-xavier-and-ashley-on-alan-carr-part-1).

    I’m not so upset about Rob’s looks here. I know I’m a blasphemer but Robward just doesn’t do it for me — well, only in the occasional still, the acting meh. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxPRU5t_ajI&list=FLl4SgDVPqeIibHKlUDjXOSA&index=17) I’m trying to like him, really I am. I even watched Remember Me. But it’s Bookward for me every time (sigh). 

    As for the all important scenes, in BD Edward’s taken into account his chilliness (I do like a smart young man who thinks ahead) — it’s why he chose Isle Esme, because of the heat so Bella wouldn’t get too cold.  it’s feathers for the first time, headboard comes later. It’s here I reveal my guilty secret: I first read the Twilight books May 2010, and have read them (and Midnight Sun) over six times since. Yep. NOT normal

    • Anonymous

      Six times seems about right. *ahem*

      • Sisterpenguin

        I love you. But when I said OVER six…

        • Anonymous

          Ha! I bet I have read MS (patooie!) more than 6.

          • Sisterpenguin

            I think we’re both been a little industrious with our reading – but it’s normal. 
            I did buy a set of hardcovers ’cause the others were getting worn though I refuse to bend the covers on my white copies!

  • LUVLTT

    Okay, I have to admit, I have been following LTT and LTR for a long time and just now getting around to posting a comment. I know, lame. But I HAD to say something this time cause this breakdown totally MADE.MY.DAY!!!! Love it! I was laughing the whole time….”On Nov 18… get ready to ice your vajayjay!” That sh!t is the best!

Creative Commons License


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons
Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0
United States License
.

LTT Privacy Policy



Sponsored by