Dear Breaking Dawn and Bill Condon and Stephenie and LTT-ers,
OMG!!! I just got so excited, apparently it took a well timed and well cut trailer to get me back in this game but I’m here baby and we’re ready to break this Breaking Dawn trailer down!
So put me in coach and LET’S DO THIS! (sorry,wrong movie)…
The One Where They Can NEVER Get It Right…
Moon: myelloooo runaways and eclipse are on tv right no. fyi
UC: orgasm. kristen gasm
Moon: oh nakey jakey….. ok anyway! so lets do this
UC: okay LET’s and i’m druhnk like runk! so sorry in advnace
Moon: ok go… AH it goes so quick in the beginning!
UC: is it suposed to sound like crap ? and just be FLASHES of images?
Moon: fun note/trivia: there is ALWAYS a beach/water in the opening shot
Moon: ok freeze it at :11 we HAVE to talk about carlisle’s awful hair. i mean WTF is going on?
UC: it’s falling out” early on-set vampire baldness?
Moon: even the ice truck killer behind him wants to kill that wig
UC: it’s fake HAHAHAHAH forgot about him
Moon: its like HOW do they ef up the hair EVERY TIME???!!! EVERY.TIME.
UC: EVERY TIME. the wig people must be OLD
Moon: like im pretty sure jasper has had diff hair color and style EVERY time
UC: yeah- NOT consistent with the book
Moon: alice looks like a soccer mom with a van
UC: hahahahahahhaahahaahah and Emmett looks like a Ken doll. Rosalie looks… the best! & Esme looks the same
Moon: i mean its supposed to be short and spikey not “i just cut orange slices for the soccer game” short
UC: and then there are the playboy bunnies behind them. Where’s Hef?
Moon: aawwwwwww, the girls next door showed up for the big day! aka the bitch edward ran off to in midnight sun
UC: Are they the denalis?
UC: They’re hot
Moon: yea the girls next door are the denali’s
UC: no wonder Bella was jealous
Moon: for realzzzzzz. thats like miss january, feburary and march coming to your wedding
The One Where Cedric Got The Flu
UC: Are the girls, Alice, Rosealie and Esme not IN the wedding?
UC: I don’t know how I feel about this.. did that not happen in the book?
Moon: i guess not… i read it once, remember?
UC: haha okay
Moon: ok so we can see sleeves on the dress
UC: Besides looking like she stayed up for an all-nighter learning her “better for worse” lines.. Kristen looks GORGEOUS. Rob… ugh….
Moon: right kristen looks great. rob looks like cedric. the hair is SO awful
UC: Cedric with the flu. SO awful
Moon: like i said on twitter a few days ago HOW in the world do you make rob look bad??!! its like a summitt super power or something
UC: Yeah they are the ONLY ones. them at that photographer who shot Rob as a
pre-teen in his boxers. they are the only ones
Moon: if they wanted him to look gross they could have just let him wear what he wore to set that day, or whatever he’s currently wearing in london RIGHT NOW
Moon:“as long as we both shall live” HALF SMILE. the edwad half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books
UC: FINALL Y. they remember we liked those first
Follow the jump because things get awkward, weird, inappropriate and everything else you’d expect from us
The One Where It Gets AWKWARD!
Moon: HAHAAHAHA everyone clapping. do you think theyre all thinking about how edward and bella are virgins??
UC: yes. everyone does at weddings. or at least my dad does “i know what they’re gonna do tonight.” I’m like “dad..they did that when they were 16″
Moon: its like those people who dont kiss till they get married and you KNOW everyone knows and theyre waiting for the moment. SO AWKWARD
UC: SO awkward…why did i just tell a sex story about my dad?
Moon: WHAT?! NO! YES! Sick!
The One Where We Love Jacob
Moon: DUDE my first gasp was when jacob came on the screen all sad and scruffy looking at :43
UC: okay JAKE? WHY? ohhh he comes to the wedding?
Moon: yea remember they find him running around canada or something and he comes back
Moon: why do i love the jakey so much???
UC: Taylor is heart-breaking
Moon: he’s supposed to have longer hair though <— I’ve become one of those people
The One Where I Laugh
Moon: ON NOVEMBER 18………… get deflowered!
UC: get swept up by a dude who might drop you
Moon: ef a vampire
break a headboard
wear some ann taylor loft
UC: i love how HALF the trailer is the build up to the sex. good job Steph, you wrote it!
Moon: im sorry but that head board breaking scene just makes me laugh SO hard. i mean come on who wants to be effed that hard the first time that a headboard breaks???
UC: i KNOW it translated WELL on the page… NOT to video
Moon: like WHAT is he doing down there??? yea it looks CRAZY. kinda like your post on not being porn
UC: right, it reads different on the page! we don’t need it to be EXACT!! just a nice visual representation please!
The One Where Edward Is Such A Guy
Moon: “last night was the best night of my existence” HAHAAHAH such a guy!
having sex = the best night of my existence
UC: haha of COURSE it was!! guys are pigs. Even Edward
Moon: the sex was the best night… not meeting you. GETTING IT IN
edward = dtf for 107 yrs
The One Where Renesmee Speaks In Utero
Moon: ok so they make it seem like Edward HEARS Renesmee in there. so what do you think renesemee sounds like to edward in utero? is she like singing bellas lullaby in there? reciting latin? making fun of his virgin performance?
UC: he prob does…. she’s like “Dad seriously ? could you calm it down a bit? You got eternity to break your bedroom furniture” “at LEAST wait until there isn’t a 3rd party listening”
Moon: and stop hitting me in the head…… HA everyone wishes
Moon: a real life “vamp”
UC: HAHAHAHA Edward hears right before climax “DAD- I can FEEL that! ewww
Moon: HAHAHAH EWWWW ok speaking of can we talk mechanics of this for a sec?
Moon: so he’s like ice cold. so cold bella shivers and needs to have a blanket on around him. so essentially having sex with edward is like sticking a BIG STICK popsicle up your hoo ha… am I right?
UC: I think so
Moon: how is that comfortable and sexy?
UC: I mean.. how ELSE can you explain it? maybe she goes for a run before hand? to get all warmed up? literally? so it feels good..?
Moon: well doesnt he swim around the island to “warm up” before (or was that some fanfic?) but STILL
UC: that’s true. i thought that was just to turn us on… but whatver
Moon: so now youre sticking a half frozen otter pop up there?
UC: yeah….. i mean.. i’ve never done it… but i can imagine that’s QUITE uncomfortable… and NOT gonna help with the relaxing.. and stretching out you’re supposed to do when you do it for the first time
Moon: come on tell me from first hand knowledge about getting it in with a popsicle!!
UC: haha.. okay fine… sometimes… on hot summer days…..
UC: i buy those ICEE packs? ya know.. the ones with 100 popsicles for $4.00 and well…. i shove some up there… just to pretend it’s Edward
Moon: what about just going to 7/11 and going bottoms up to the slurpee machine?
UC: hahahahahahhahahaha same diff
Moon: ok cool… LITRALLY
Moon: so im glad we have that figured out
UC: me too
Moon: this has been mechanics of effing a vampire 101. thanks for tuning in
UC: Thanks Steph.. She’s like my 7th grade health teacher… only less lesbian
The One Where I Get A Lot Of Angry Comments
UC: renesmee is CRUSHING her
Moon: geez carlisle who’d you learn your bedside manner from? jack kevorkian? you wont deliver, your heart will give out
Moon: carlisle’s hairdoo at 125 was like SUPER popular when i was in like jr high.
UC: Alice looks like my 7th grade health teacher
Moon: only too lesbian
UC: how did they make Kristen look so….. Pregnant with a half vampire? she looks like she’s being eaten from the inside out
Moon: they just let her stay out all night and then didnt do any make up or hair the next morning. BUUUURRRNNN! (refer to where I said she looked great above)
The One With Matching Haircuts
Moon: 134 stop it
Moon: alice and jasper are your 7th grade Health teacher and her “life partner” who got matching hair cuts on their weekend trip to vermont
UC: Alice is now a health & phys ed teacher, can no longer see Bella’s future.
UC: omg . my screen is stopped on a pic of Jake CLEARLY crying. poor kid do you think he’s upset cuz he got kidnapped when he was younger and saw his face on a milk carton?
Moon: HAHAHA HAHAHA. he’s sad his girlfriend doesnt know how to pluck her eye brows
Moon: and spends her time on missing persons websites
The One Where The Wolfpack Finds A Hobby
Moon: “WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY BRED!”
it could be a shitzu, or a yorkie, or a pitbull hybrid of some kind. we gotta protect our BREED!
Moon: the AKC will NOT like this
Moon: DUDE 151: i love Rageward!!!! RAWWRR
UC: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moon: YOUVE GIVEN ME NO CHOICE!!! i wanted the golden retriever/lab mix bella!
Moon: not the tea cup poodle!! this is shit!
The One With Tension
UC: so the WOLVES are going after Bella? that’s the tension in this film? other than the breaking of the hymen?
Moon: HAHAHAAH other than the literal tension in her hymen. yes it must be they crank up the wolves turning on them but dude how does that pay off? they dont fight!
UC: cuz to be honest.. if they don’t have that tension.. they have nothing… marriage. sex. baby. Wolves wanting to kill Bella which is barely what happens in the book. i know…. does it just end with them all waiting in the “waiting room” of the Cullen’s house while she’s in labor, screaming in pain….. placing bets on which “breed” the baby will be?
Moon: I’m betting on an English Bulldog… everyone loves a bulldog.
The One With Charlie
Moon: i broke down when charlie started crying at 2:07. i cant do charlie crying
UC: you cried? seriously!
Moon: NO…. i mean YES… i want to wipe the tears out of his mustache
UC: Ohhh poor Charlie. WHY is he crying?
is he looking at pictues of the last time he got laid? 18 years ago with Renee?
UC: Did he just finish a great cobbler at the cafe?
UC: IS he reminiscing about his friend, Buttcrack santa
Moon: he just learned they’re discontinuing Vitamin R
UC: HE just found out he actually has to fight crime today- and we’re not talking about bears stealing some campers food
Moon: he saw renee in her slutty cut offs
UC: there was a burglary… down at Newtown’s outfiters
He wishes he painted his cabinets yellow
Moon: HAHAHAHAHAA he wished he painted his cabinets yellow! HAHAAHAH nailed it
Moon: he realized bella really does love shopping
UC: he saw Alice’s hair cut… and he knows what THAT means
Moon: he just read the break up scene in New Moon
UC: he watched the scene in New Moon the movie with the months & Bella twirling in a chair
Moon: he missed Face Punch in theaters. So instead he saw Love Spelled Backwards is Love… it was awful.
UC: He misses Solomon Trimble
Moon: His Kung Fu is not as strong as Harry’s
He saw everyone’s wig
UC: And on top of all of that, he remembered he hadn’t had sex since Renee left
he realized the tux he wore to his and renee’s wedding doesn’t fit anymore so he has to buy a new one in Port Angeles
UC: And there’s RAPISTS there
Moon: who drink beer in book store parking lots
come to think of it the hooligans in Port Angeles are LAME
UC: And also Jessica shops there.. and she’s so damn annoying
Moon: he just found out he’s a total failure as a cop and dad who missed the fact he lives in a town with an entire coven of vampires along with a pack of werewolves. Those Wolves WERE NOT BEARS! His daughter was sneaking out, her boyfriend slept under his own roof most nights, she then married her vampire boyfriend at 19, got knocked up and to top it all off Harry Clearwater’s fish fry is not, in fact, the best in the world.
UC: oh SHIT that makes me get a little teared up too
First Breaking It Down since I’ve been back and man, it’s feels good! What did you think of the trailer? Favorite parts, new things to laugh at? SHARE!
Moon and UC