A letter to the Cullens, Corner shop owners:

From time to time I forget about the Cullens. In a world of Rob and Robsten and Taysten and Big Daddy, it’s easy to forget we actually liked the Cullens first. But this letter reminded me today of those vampires we all fell for so very long ago:

Dear Cullen family,

Every once in a while I drive by your corner market and deli. I know it’s yours because

  1. you named it after yourself.
  2. I think you probably have a little entrepreneurial spirit in you.
  3. It makes perfect sense that you’d move from Forks to Portland Oregon – stay where the weather suits you… and
  4. You like to keep a low profile and what’s lower than a corner grocery in a somewhat seedy part of town?

What I’ve been wondering is who’s minding the store? (No, I’ve never stopped in to see. I’m not sure about the neighborhood and, more importantly, how would I explain my reaction to my daughters and husband if Edward happened to be behind the counter? I’m just pretending that my husband doesn’t think I’m crazy already.)

I went through each person in your family, debating on who I’m most likely to run into:

Run the family business? No way! I'm too busy being a Doctor & having very unfortunate hair

Carlisle – Well obviously, no.  I mean you’re busy as a Dr. I’d be more likely to run into you at my job at the hospital (oh please, please come sauntering through my door in your white lab coat a la Twilight!)

Esme – There’s no way. As you can see, the building has no architectural integrity to it whatsoever. If you ever got close to it I’m sure it would be much more aesthetically pleasing. I mean, there are bars on the windows and the paint on the sign is chipping away!

Jasper – While you would be helpful in soothing the minds of all the potential armed robbers that come waltzing through the doors I think that trying to control all of those out of control emotions would eventually overwhelm you. Then we’d have a highly trained soldier with a nervous breakdown who also happens to like to snack on human blood on our hands. Low profile gone. Why don’t you stay away from that store Jasper, just a friendly suggestion.

You should have SEEN the customer's outfits today, Bella. There was flannel & pull-overs and... oh... you would've fit right in...

Alice – Well, you could definitely have everyone’s purchases bagged and ready for them when they walked through the door but I think that having to face all of those poorly dressed customers would drive you crazy. So there, you and Jasper both gone crazy – I think we’ve established that neither one of you should get anywhere near that place.

Edward – Oh how I wish you were tending the store, Edward. But then again, maybe not. I might be embarrassed to have you see what I’m purchasing and, since you can read minds, there’s no way I could sneak that emergency pack of tampons in with the random gum, milk and motor oil I’m piling on the counter to distract you. Plus, I just don’t think you could hold it together with all of the customers coming in and out with their mundane and pedestrian thoughts assaulting you all day. You’d definitely lose your cool and toss one out the front door.

Bella – Well, to put it simply, if Edward wasn’t there you’re certainly not going to be there! Not that I can blame you.  Plus, you’ve already worked retail at Newton’s Outfitters so I think you’ve put in your customer service time. Whew, you dodged a bullet!

Rosalie – Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell you’d be caught dead working retail at Barneys, much less some disgusting little corner store that serves the sweaty and uncouth masses. I don’t even know why you’re on this list of considerations!

I give them one look at these abs and the customers buy extra cans of Spam!

Emmet – Yep, it’s totally you, isn’t it? You’re gregarious and big. Perfect for laughing and joking so that the gawkers become repeat customers and the potential robbers are scared away since they know you’d totally kick their ass. You’ve probably made friends with half the locals by this time, haven’t you? In fact, you’re probably having so much fun that someone needs to keep you in line. Oh! So Rosalie is there! Sorry Rose. That’s what happens when you fall for a big goof. Just stay in the back and don’t rip out anyone’s throat ok? You’ll have to move on in a few more years and hopefully it’ll just fade into a bad memory.

Well, I’ve figured it out…Now I just have to figure out how to hold it together when I make an impromptu visit and not blow your cover.

Thinking about what kind of sandwich I might order from the deli,

Sarah

Of COURSE I googled this place and of COURSE they have a Yelp page & turns out Sarah was wrong about all of the above. According to one reviewer, the guy running the place is “an over-reacting Asian.” I’m guessing college didn’t work out for Eric Yorkie & The Cullen’s hired him to run their family biz. BIG Thumbs up to the first person who writes a Cullen’s Corner Yelp Review and mentions THE Cullens!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
  • Anonymous

    I was going to write something clever and then my eyes glazed over with AB LUST. Dayum, Kellan. 

    Mr. Slut sent me this link when he was looking at architects. I think Edward is slipping in his disguises because seriously, “Cullinan” is fooling exactly nobody. http://www.edwardcullinanarchitects.com/

    • ladyofthemeadow

      Yeah! what kind of a disguise is that? “Ted Cullinan”? my kid could make up a better name than that. And I can tell that Ted’s photo is just a photshopped version of a photo of Dick. Come on.

      I’m taking that image of Kellan into my 9:30 meeting (mentally, anyway), to keep me awake. Also, aren’t Kellan’s pants hanging just a little low? Like, how low do they go? That guy must wax, which for me is a little off putting, but not for long.

      • Anonymous

        NOMS hipbones NOM NOM NOM

    • ChillinWithCullens

      okay, does this remind anybody else of that “May to December” fanfic??! 

    • ladyofthemeadow

      Kellan went to the Middle East recently. I wonder if he’s among those in the mass nude shoot in the Dead Sea (studying photo carefully)

      http://www.cbc.ca/news/arts/story/2011/09/19/tunick-dead-sea-shoot.html

  • Sagalvr

    “You should have SEEN the customer’s outfits today, Bella. There was
    flannel & pull-overs and… oh… you would’ve fit right in…” Hahahaha!~
    This is so true it’s scary. Although I hope movie Alice gets some help from book Alice (movie Alice is in no position to judge others).

    It’s a good thing Twilight characters have semi-unusual names because everything even remotely sounding like one of them makes me think of the Cullens (that’s obviously completely Normal). Yesterday a tall blond girl gave my friend a mean look and I thought, “She’s such a Rosalie!” *Hides head in shame*

  • Anonymous

    The picture of Kellan looks like the cover of a romance novel, that phtographer should be fired for that pose

    • Anonymous

      All he’s missing is the long, flowing Fabio hair.

    • Bubs

      How YOUNG does Kellan look in this shot ! Personally I still feel Taylor has the better body/abs……..yummmm.

  • Ms. J

    I don’t even eat Spam but if Emmett was selling it, I would be stocking up for sure.  “Yes, I’ll take these condoms, 4 cans of spam and a magazine please.”

  • RachelB

    My sister lives in Portland, she can go scope it for us an see if Emmett is there! ;-)

  • The Old One

    What kind of sandwich to order?  Why, an Emmett and Edward sandwich, of course, and you’re the filling!

  • KStewBoy

    Kellan must buy his body wax at the Price Club.  I imagine you’d be going through plenty ‘o that stuff to be as smooth as Saran Wrap stretched over a frozen turkey.

    • Anonymous

      In my mind, KStewBoy, that is exactly what you look like, except with better hair & clutching a Bella doll. (sorry: Bella Action Figure)

      • KStewBoy

        :) Waxing my body is one of the few metro sexual activities I have yet to try… and it’s not going into my calendar anytime soon.  What do you do about your arm hair?  I mean – once you’ve started where do you stop?
        And yes, my hair is better than Kellan’s (at least in that ridiculous pic). 
        And I only sleep with my Bella action figure, I don’t carry her around with me – like come on.

        • TeamSeth

          To be honest with you KStewBoy, NutSlut only imagines hot men in bed… So, it’s natural that the Bella doll would be with you in her mind. ;)

  • Anonymous

    Only 14 comments? Where is everybody?

    I’m going to NYC this weekend. For the first time. Even though I’ll probably be super busy, I feel like I need to throw that out into the LTT world, just in case.

  • Anonymous

    off topic: i think i’m losing my twi-gene for a bunch of reasons:
    1- i’m not the least bit excited about BD I, even the new trailer didn’t help.
    2- i don’t feel that pull to the books everyone was talking about a few posts ago.
    3- i haven’t googled anything-twi for a very very long time.
     
    the only thing connecting me to the twi-world these days is LTT. it’s not that i miss my crazy Twihard days but i still feel bad. i don’t know what will get me back on track!? maybe that terrible, unfinished book no one whant’s to read(it’s been 4 years. GET OVER IT S).
    help!
     

    • Anonymous

      Oh my god! Give this girl 1000ccs of glitter and angst! STAT!

      I  sort of live in, well not fear, but…concern? I suppose?…of this happening to me. I know I can’t live in a tingling ball of thrill for the rest of my life (OR CAN I? WHY NOT!) but Twilight is a really really nice undercurrent to my everyday life. I have no help for you (really? not even the trailer? try watching again. it’s really good!) except I know you can’t force it.  Maybe the movie will bring it all back for you.

      ((hugs))

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the sympethy. i’ve been feeling like this for sometime now and every time i bring it up my twi-pals laugh it off. i really hope you could live in your tingling ball of thrill the rest of your lifer. Real life sucks without twilight :(

        • Anonymous

          now that’s a tshirt: “Real Life Sucks Without Twilight”

    • TeamSeth

      (it’s been 4 years. GET OVER IT S)

      HAHAHA! This made me think of Gossip Girl. 

      Careful, S, the TwiCrazies are out tonight, and if there’s no Midnight Sun come breaking dawn, it’s gonna be a blood moon. XOXO

  • TeamSeth

    Sarah! The 5th Quadrant isn’t seedy! :(

    Ok, yes, it is. I mean, it can be. This is true. Hehe, I love this, btw. Now every time I’m going to Gravy for brunch I’ll see Albina and go “Squee! Cullens Corner Deli!” I always laugh on my bus ride home on SE Division when i pass the new haircut place called Bouffant. Sigh.  The old days of Twilight <3
    yay Portlanders! um, also, do you work at the hospital near Albina (won't say the name)… because I totally did a project there for my work! And that hospital is one of my work's clients!!!

    Hm, i think Esme might like the green tiles on the wall… Or that craftsman/square home next to the shop (visible in the bg)

    "overreacting Asian man" hahahahaha Classic.

  • TeamSeth

    Yelp Review: Breaking It Down

    “He even has fresh produce so that if you’re having a little party and
    forgot lime for your guac, you’re saved if you visit Cullens.”

    Is she even Mexican?
    Her name’s Bella!

    “Cullen’s Corner has soul to it. The man who runs this shop is
    exceptionally nice. He greets people when they walk in with a smile. I’m
    usually just buying a 40 oz. but despite that we chat about the news or
    how the day was.”

    I’m buying 4loko, back before it was illegal, and you’re asking me about the weather?

    Clearly Emmet runs the place. I bet his smile dazzles just as much as Edward’s does. He is a vampire.

  • natteringyeahrobber

    Emmett is not really who I’d expect in that sort of decrepit corner market. He just doesn’t seem the type to remember to card for ID. Any young thing could just walk in there, bat an eye or two at Emmett, and bam – liquor license lost. The Cullens would be foolish to have him mind their business.

    Edward seems like more of an ID enforcer (the mind reading ability doesn’t hurt either). Plus, he’s linked to Bella who is linked to Charlie, so I’m sure he could have Bella fill him in on any planned Forks PD liquor store sting operations. Edward is a wise choice as clerk indeed. Plus, he’d attract female customers. That store does not look too inviting. No female touch, clearly. However, I could overlook the blah exterior and painted over windows if Edward was there. No, I don’t need beef jerky, a stale turkey sandwich, Hubba Bubba and a slurpee but DAMN if Edward is in there I’d probably find daily reasons to pick all of the above up on the way home. Edward makes the best business sense.

    • TeamSeth

      Maybe they’ll carry hob nobs if Edward is working there?

      • Anonymous

        mmmmm chocolate coated nobs… er I mean hob nobs, yes definitely hob nobs!

  • Anonymous

    OMG look at the street name N Albina – as in albino – as in PALE – it all fits!!  But you know maybe this was one of their previous ventures in an effort to fit in?  Run the corner store, be around people but keep your distance (behind the counter), familiarise yourselves with the local area etc.  Then they move on to Forks but keep the store as a back-up, employ some locals to run it – you know I’ll just bet that when they were going to save Bree Tanner this would have been their gift to her so she could have a semi-normal life (after the first year or so of being a newborn of course…)

    • TeamSeth

      This holds validity. And can more effectively be our delusion.

      (ps- I was literally 4 blocks from Cullen’s Corner today. FOUR BLOCKS! But was with Mr Seth, so couldn’t just detour for no reason. Lunch hour and all. His work is strict about that stuff)

  • Anonymous

    Someone please photo shop Kellen’s pic with Edwards face and it will be Edward in MOTU with washed denim jeans hugging his hips selling adult toys before he became the Billionaire Master of the Universe. It where he learned his trade. Irina works weekends.

     

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