Questions for Stephenie – Vampire Sex

I'm sure glad we soundproofed this place... didn't we?

Dear Stephenie,

So last week when we broke down the new stills from Breaking Dawn Pt 1 (yea, that’s a really long name) we got to thinking seriously about some stuff and really there’s no one else who can answer this better than you can… So to refresh your memory here is the extended conversation that led to our questions…

Moon: DUDE can you imagine living in that house??? this brings up a LOT of questions!!
UC: NO… SO many questions
is it time for another round of “Dear Stephenie: we have a couple questions”
Moon: i mean they have vampiric hearing… so did they soundproof each room? or are they that old they just don’t care. like when your grandpa farts and could care less cause he’s 90

Sure, call us prudes, but do you really want your FAMILY hearing every little noise you make in the throes of passion? Or even working out? “What’s that I hear Jasper?” “Oh, it’s just Rosalie on the treadmill…” or IS IT? So did they soundproof the rooms, are they are on opposite sides of the house? Why don’t they all have their own little cottages like Edward and Bella get?

Shhh, no one will ever hear this

Can you imagine the real estate listing if they ever decided to sell that place? “This beautiful 5 bedroom 4 bath comes complete with it’s own cottage on the acreage, modern architecture, brand new gourmet kitchen (perfect for cooking Italiano), 10 car garage and oddly enough each room is completely soundproofed! It’s the darndest thing!”

This also begs the question WHY in the world did Bella want to be human for this? I mean besides the obvious “being human” and whatever wouldn’t she be HELLA scared of what he could do? And then if that’s the case she should definitely want to be a vampire for that… cause um ya know!

Kinda makes me want to be a vampire… so tell us, in your mind did you even go here Stephenie, or are we just the creeps with too much time on our hands?

We want to know!
Themoonisdown

PS bed-breaking sex her first time… is that really safe? For her… ya know.

So tell us, what do YOU guys think? Would you be embarrassed or who cares? What burning questions do you have for SMeyer?

Images from Weheartit.com, TwilightPoison

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  • The Plane Friend

    I always assumed Edward and Bella got their own cottage because it was far enough in the middle of nowhere that Edward wouldn’t have his family’s (or anyone else’s) thoughts intruding while he and Bella were getting it on…and that the privacy was only a minor consideration, since the Cullens apparently got over their privacy issues during Rosalie and Emmet’s house breaking honeymoon phase.

    • The Plane Friend

      (Not that I’d want to listen to my family do any of that. I’d have kicked R&E out at the VERY beginning!)

      • MariaCecilia

        *sigh* Sad to say, our house is not soundproof, and our son interrupted us the first time when he was 2,5 and woke up from his afternoon nap shouting to us from his room “Why are you making strange noises? I want to make strange noises too!”

        • Anonymous

          hahaha! awesome. My girl walked in on us…at The Moment. Point of No Return. It was bad. Yet another reason that the whole Renesemee thing was annoying: She sleeps through the night! And slips into a coma, apparently! >:(

    • MariaCecilia

      Imagine it: not only can your family hear exactly what you are doing, but their running commentary is in your head. “Really, Edward, how about some more foreplay?” “No, no, no don’t kiss her THERE you moron!” “I would do Bella a thousand times better than THAT.” “Hm, are her tits really as small as they look with her clothes on?” “Oh, so she’s a moaner, is she?”

  • Mrs. Smith

    I feel a little saying this, like I have to turn in my twi-fan card or something, but I don’t think the movie headboard breaking is sexy. I thought it was incredible in the book, and I think robert is hot, but somehow that clip doesn’t do it for me. 

    • Mrs. Smith

      I meant…I feel a little embarrassed saying this, like I have to turn in my twi-fan card or something, but I don’t think the movie headboard breaking is sexy. I thought it was incredible in the book, and I think robert is hot, but somehow that clip doesn’t do it for me

      • ladyofthemeadow

        Aw, don’t feel embarrassed, there’s room for everyone here. You’re allowed to have different views! Imagine how boring it would be around here if we all agreed on everything.

        • Anonymous

          Also, we are seeing it sort of out of context. Once you are watching the whole movie, it’s probably hotter. Although for me, if it’s much hotter than that, I might actually die right there in the theater. 

          I am actually sort of avoiding a lot of the clips because I just can’t take it. I need to see the whole thing in its entirety. I don’t need trailers to be more excited, trust me. Excitement is here. Excited. Color me excited, anticipatory, Breath. Bated. I am going to watch the shit out of this movie. 

          • KStewBoy

            Right now I’m actively avoiding all clips/trailers and stills.  I want to have as much of the movie new and fresh to me as possible.  Showing me ahead of time which skimpy outfits KS is wearing or how she is pulling on her hair in the throes of passion will just detract from the first-time movie-going experience for me – which we all only get once *wink*.  And like MNS, I plan to watch the shit out of this movie.

          • Anonymous

            It’s really too bad Mrs. KStewBoy and Mr. Slut can’t go have drinks together while you and I watch this movie…I am thinking every day through the weekend, then once a week maybe after that. Mr. Slut might go once, but not every time. He’ll need company.

          • KStewBoy

            I hear ya MNS.  It is a pity…. I’ll go once with Mrs.KSB, but for the additional screenings i’ll have to be solo.  So sad (and weird).  Young father of two going to Twilight without wife or kids.  Oh well, a dude’s gotta do what a dude’s gotta do to get his Twilight Groove On.  That’s normal, right?

          • Anonymous

            Yes.

          • Linda

            watch the shit out of this movie- hahaha, girl I like your attitude

          • The Old One

            I agree–I’m wearing the purity ring and keeping my legs crossed, opening LTT carefully, with one eye closed to see if they’ve posted any more stills before reading.  I want my first time to be special, too.

          • MariaCecilia

            Which is one of the reasons I’m torn about whether I want to watch this movie alone or not. Do I want my husband to be there to notice me blush and grip my seat? Or groaning with a face paw? Either way is bound to lead to a conversation I don’t want to have…

          • Mrs. Smith

            Very true. I’m hoping that I will enjoy it more in context. I can’t stop watching the trailers. I am so excited I just can’t stand it. 

          • Anonymous

            Seriously, I’m starting to feel like I’ve seen 90% of the movie at this point, and getting worried that there won’t be anything left to squee at.

          • MariaCecilia

            There will always be squeeing when you watch a new Twilight movie. It is an inevitable physical reaction, like sneezing. (Funny, I just remembered that my mother-in-law actually explained what an orgasm is to my husband when he was a kid with the simile of a sneeze. Involuntary, sudden, explosive and giving the pleasure of relief.)

          • Anonymous

            why am i not excited as the rest of you?! i feel like a mom who feels bad cause she has postnatal depression except i have it before the baby/movie is born.

          • Anonymous

            it’s ok if this doesn’t make sense to anyone.

          • Sisterpenguin

            I think I’m excited just because it’s something new (you can only read these books so many times in a month you know). Rob doesn’t do it for me, I have to keep imagining someone else in his place (not a problem!)

          • Anonymous

            you mean someone like smoldering somerhalder?

          • Sisterpenguin

            Edward not the only mindreader eh? ;-)

          • Stacey

            You had me at Smoulderhalder. Sigh.

    • MariaCecilia

      And yet it epitomizes the central conflict of the book: Edward’s physical passion for Bella that is always fiercely restrained for fear of the violence of it hurting her. That is so weird, but I still find it compelling and romantic and a turn-on. Hope that’s Normal?

      • Anonymous

        It’s a total turn on. Maybe because the average dude is a huge oaf with his pants half unzipped at all times? Or just…restraint is sexy. It’s hot and #normal.

  • Anonymous

    I have thought about the whole “superhearing sex” thing. Are they like, “Everyone out! We’re doin’ it in half an hour! You’ve been warned!” So much for spontaneity. 

    However, to be tweed: the bed breaking happens the *second* time, and it’s not, as Mr. Slut surmised, because he is just going at her pelvis-busting style. He is **restraining** himself. He is holding back his VampSparkleThrust out of gentlemanly consideration for her fragile lady bits. He crushes the headboard instead of her lady flower. Sheesh. 

    • GMB

      lol love it. I think you are right about that!

    • Anonymous

      Book-true on all counts… but that’s sure not how it looks in the trailer.  I’m glad you pulled out the Twi-Nerd correction, though, or I would have had to.  

    • chochang

      VampSparkleThrust needs to be on a shirt.

      • Anonymous

        Yesssssss!

      • MariaCecilia

        With those shoulders, of course!

    • Sisterpenguin

      Nuh. Not buying it. Think you’re being waaaay too kind to Mr Condon. One hand, maybe restraining. Two hands and he’s balancing on his willy and tiptoes

      • JanUK

        Bwahahahahah!!!

      • Anonymous

        ehhheeeheehehee. Best. Visual. Ever.

      • Bubs

        I can’t stop laughing !!!!! You’re sooooo right :-]

      • MariaCecilia

        That’s actually the vampire version of Safe Sex. That’s why Edward forgot about the condom..

    • MariaCecilia

      Actually, I think he may have crushed the headboard instead of one of her boobs…

  • Jessigrlkc

    My biggest ???? moment comes when I think about his popsicle penis. Cause I have NEVER been in the bombpop section and was suddenly turned on.
    Is it so frackin tropically hot on isle esme that she doesn’t mind?

    • Anonymous

      im telling you, this needs to be further discussed, i am not satisfied in my knowledge of how this works

    • The Old One

      Stephenie was very clever about the whole honeymoon scenario, never saying stuff overtly, but yeah, I think Edward planned to go somewhere REALLY hot so his –errr– popsicle– would be a welcome thing (TWSS).  The bit where he goes into the ocean naked beforehand–so his body temperature would be moderated to ocean temperature, and also so her “scent” would be dissipated in the water.

      • Bubs

        You’ve REALLY thought this out haven’t you ! ????

    • Alisheeba79

      Remember they soaked in the tropical ocean first so he was probably at LEAST tepid!

  • Anonymous

    I remember somewhere something about Rose and Emmett smashing up a bunch of different houses and that Esme had built them houses too like they did the cottage for Bella and Edward.  PLUS, there was mention of a lot of forest thining by Rose and Em… so it wasn’t in the house.

    Plus, they all have to be doing the same thing after they’re done pretending to be human… they’re so busy with what they’re doing they don’t care about hearing the others.  That’s my theory.  Well all of them except for poor Edward until Bella… which explains the high number of lanuages he’s fluent in, the amount of music he has (remember Bella noting his room having great acusic qualities?).  studied the most sciences, etc… he had to do something while the rest were otherwise engaged. 

    • Anonymous

      Ha!  I’d never thought about Edward’s room’s ‘great acoutistics’ in this context.  Definitely soundproofed.

      • Anonymous

        I know, it puts a whole new insight into what actually went through Edward’s mind when he first showed Bella his room:

        (EPOV)

        “Good acoustics?” Bella asked eyeing the walls.

        I nodded.  Great acoustics.  I skillfully crafted these walls to amplify the sound so loudly I can ALMOST block out the nightly escapades of my family, both vocally and mentally.  Soundproofing the walls had only helped the actual noises, I needed something to block out their thoughts so I didn’t lose my mind

    • Stacey

      The many comments about Rosalie and Emmett’s “adventures”, should have givem Bella something to think about. For instance: “If Rosalie and Emmett can destroy a whole house, what the heck can Edward do to my brittle bones?” Since we are talking about Senorita Clumsy, you KNOW they are extremely breakable. (Which also should make a girl think twice with her track record.)

      • Anonymous

        That, or flip the coin with giving her ideas on what they could try after.  ;)  lol

        • Bubs

          TJE…you are soooo naughty – and we LOVE it !

    • chochang

      I guess you deserve the TwiNerd of the day award. And a slow clap.

      • Anonymous

        Wow.  Thank you.  This was so unexpected *wipes tears from eyes* I want to thank all the LTTers out there and remind those who haven’t earned this award yet, that it’s possible, keep TwiNerding!  And most of all, I couldn’t have done this without my OCD tendancies that drove my incessant need to read and re-read the series so many times I’ve literally lost track.  Thank you!

        (actually it wasn’t wholly unexpected, I am quite the TwiNerd…. loud and proud baby)

  • Anonymous

    I am gonna go a head and say that SM broke canon with Edward having unprotected sex with Bella. I mean, he was so worried about her safety and for legit reasons. If his whole body is marble, other parts would be, well hard. Something could have gotten bruised, maybe tear and his super spunk could have started the whole changing process. Therefore, Edward would have at least doubled up. I rest my case.

    • toooldforthis

      Absolutely!  And he would have bought the kind that were “ribbed for her pleasure”.  ‘Cause Edward is a sensitive guy like that.

      • KStewBoy

        Plus, doubling (or tripling) up would reduce the brrrr on his boner.

      • Alisheeba79

        yes…but did they have condoms in 1901?  Edward is very traditional after all, they where married and both virgins so………

    • amynkansas

      but even their eye goo disolves contacts so his sparkle goo would bust through a double wrap with no problem

      • Anonymous

        And yet he goes right ahead and has unprotected sex with her… you know he has to have tested some way to make sure his semen wouldn’t burn right through her… did he smear some on a lab rat to check? This is going down a path I’m not sure I should.

        • Stacey

          You should completely go down that path! (Because it’s making my horrible day better, by making me laugh!)

      • toooldforthis

        Yeah, but I’m pretty sure that it too 2 hours for Bella’s contacts to dissolve.  With Edward being a 108 year old virgin and having cock-teased his girlfriend for the last 2 years, I doubt he’d be reaching that 2 hour limit.
        He’d be lucky not to be a “one pump chump”.

        • gizmo

          You all make me giggle like a school girl…

  • Anonymous

    Maybe they like pretending to be eteranlly in a college dorm.  I went to sleep everynight with the delightful sound of my stupid neighbor – so much so that I started banging on the wall to shut her up.

    Maybe the are the voyer type – and wouldnt Jaspers sexual feelings get put out (hehe) through the house? I really need to know

  • Anonymous

    Whoever linked to this Twilight glossary (http://cleoland.pbworks.com/w/page/10373763/Twilight#Bookdiscussionentries) on Monday, I both love you because you’ve provided me with a ton of laughs and hate you because her hilarious Twilight recaps have sucked all my free time since Monday.  I’ve even read the recap of That Bree Book, in fact (anybody remember that one?).  So, to tie this to the topic at hand, Bree and Diego are hanging out in the forest listening to Riley and Victoria “kissing” and if, I remember correctly, along with romanticable noises you also have the sound of rocks banging together. So imagine getting not only normal sex sounds ala your neighbor in the dorm, but also the sounds of a small rockslide.  It’s a good thing Renesmee’s a hard sleeper.

    • Stacey

      That Twilight glossary is hilarious! Plus, the recaps are great. I spent a whole night reading them after my son was born.  I was up anyway, so why not read something that made me giggle. :0) 

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I have so far only devoted an hour to reading the Breaking Dawn recap, but I’m sure the next time I’m putting off my mountain of homework…

  • Anonymous

    Can we just talk about this for a hot minute? http://robpattinson.blogspot.com/2011/10/rob-interview-with-7sur7be-transcript.html

    Interview One: “I had Kristen’s legs on my shoulders” (got your interest? I thought so)

    Interview Two: “with the legs of a doll on my shoulders” liar liar pants on fire. What are you talking about, Rob??Also, cream cheese?

    • http://cantgoogleeverything.blogspot.com Rachel

      ok I just read through that link you posted and that cream cheese stuff is GROSS!  groooossssss!  This makes me think this movie is gonna be weird. Which we already knew, but still, puts it in perspective!

    • Anonymous

      doll legs… kristen’s legs, it’s all the same. they’re all twigs (you can tell i’m not jealous at all).
      And Ashley we get that you don’t want to hear the word twilight for the next hundred years but can you at least PRETEND youre a tiny bit sad it’s all over? for our sake? that’s what you do for a living after all.

    • Anonymous

      Man, now I’m going to watch that scene and instead of enjoying the moment I’m not be able to think anything but cream cheese.  Seriously considering busting out the Twi-purity ring for the next 3.5 weeks.  

      • Anonymous

        Cream cheese. So gross.

        I just watched a teeny bit of some thing TwiLex tweeted about and I….I  just can’t. My tiny heart can’t take it. I have TwiBlueBalls: I need to…TwiCome? (sure, why not)…or nothing. Don’t touch it and walk away. I can’t take it anymore. The teasing. I am tired of looking down Breaking Dawn’s shirt to be titillated by its cleavage, and then go home alone. I need to just sit here and not think about it….well think about it as little as possible…and wait to get Twi-laid.

        End Epic Analogy. 

        • Anonymous

          Take a cold shower.  Or go for a run– that’s what they always tell teenage boys to do, right?  Hmmm… I wonder how much weight I could lose in the next month if I spent all the time I would otherwise devote to Twilight on the treadmill?  Not that I’m going to, but it’s an interesting thought.

          • KStewBoy

            Think about your grandmother or baseball.  Or your grandmother playing baseball.  That always works.  We do NOT want anyone to prematurely TwiJaculate.

          • Sisterpenguin

            Slight sideline but perhaps this may also interest you on a best way to loose weight…
            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3i6lK7EyVc&feature=colike

  • chochang

    I was gonna ask what it would be like for people who’ve had gender reassignment surgery if they become vampires. Will “it” grow back on a man?

    What about women who have breast implants? When they turn, those things just pop out? A la vampire baby eating from the inside out its own mom’s uterus?

    And how about old people? Say Betty White is bitten by some crazed vampire with a weird fetish? Will old people be able to take the pain? Will they be fast too?

    And people who have disabilities? Will the deaf be able to hear? The blind see? The crippled walk?

    Sooo many questions..

    • ChillinWithCullens

      Oh man, I KNOW Stephenie answered questions like these somewhere! In the FAQ’s on her website maybe? Don’t quote me on that, but I’m sure I’ve heard her answer stuff like that!!

  • Anonymous

    Dear TeamSeth:
                   
                           where, when and how can i get your book?
                                   
                                                                                         yours faitfully, 
                                                                                           
                                                                                           Teamnoone

  • Stacey

    Moon and UC, weren’t these the first questions you had when you met with Stephenie? You probably should have asked directly from the source and in great detail that day. That would have made the breakfast VERY interesting! Let me guess, the other Twi blogs kept interrupting with questions about eternal love and Edward’s beautifully, messy bronze locks? Don’t they know,inquiring minds want to know about destroying pillows and obsessive egg cravings after destroying bedrooms?

  • Sisterpenguin

    The rest of the family have been at it for so long they’re probably up to all the alternatives by now – outside the home, like on the treaty boundary line for that extra risk factor. 

    There is talk of other houses that R&E had on their own (probably a good distance from everyone else) or else maybe they can be ultra quiet – they move swiftly and silently… Hmm. In this instance swiftly not so good.

    Which brings us to the bedbreaking: according to the book it’s the second time (post dream) but even so…

    • Sisterpenguin

      Oops, sorry, stuff already answered. Really, really must read through all the comments first.

    • Anonymous

      Perhaps each couple has a specifically assigned section of the Olympic Mountains to enjoy eachother within so they can have some privacy.  You’d think especially Jasper would not want anybody else around.  His absorbing and projecting of emotions would make things awkward even without the sound factor.

      • Sisterpenguin

        Especially if the emotion he’s absorbing is… disappointment. Even if Alice can see how it’s all gonna go, how would she get away with faking it? Too many mind flips, head hurts

  • MariaCecilia

    I am REALLY looking forward to seeing how they have resolved this issue in the movie! Possibility 1: It will be completely lame and embarrassing and we will all be squirming in our seats – for all the wrong reasons.
    Possiblitiy 2: It will be totally awesome, and finally give us the antidote to the FadeToBlack frustration that’s been a part of our lives ever since we first threw Breaking Dawn to the wall with a thud.
    Possiblitiy 3: We will be disappointed, but end up watching and re-watching it anyway because, hey, those shoulders flexing are worth seeing a number of times…

    • Sisterpenguin

      I’m guessing Possibility 3, ’cause why change an habit of several years?

  • Drgnfly

    If Bella waited until she was a vamp I think she’d heal every time like Jessica on True Blood. Vampires magically heal right? That shit would suck! You get to have sex with your ridiculously hot hubby 24/7 but deal with a crap load of pain every time.

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