What Twilight crap I got for Christmas (aka the one where I rant about a Hallmark ornament)
Dear Hallmark Ornaments creators,
This shit is GHETTO.
Are you for realzzzz with this years ornament? Cause uh, NO.
As a connoisseur and collector of fine Hallmark ornaments (a tradition passed down to me from the lovely Mama Moon) I knew from one look that this year’s Twilight Hallmark Ornament was NOT up to par. I mean we have an entire tree dedicated to Hallmark ornaments that have been collected for us over the past 3 decades by my mom, we even have another mini tree dedicated just to the Barbie ornaments that didn’t fit on the other tree. So trust me when I say THIS is NOT a Hallmark ornament.
Let’s compare shall we??? Cause oh yes, I have last year’s Twilight ornament as well cause homie don’t play.
Yes, right there next to the slutty 60s Barbie we see these two… I mean look at this thing… the quality, the craftsmanship… the fully formed fingers. Bella’s in a jacket and one of her headbands. Edward’s eyes are even gold! Slam dunk for the creators and production team on this one.
Cue 2011’s Twilight Ornament – “Eclipse”
MY EYES!!!! I know the economy is rough Hallmark but you didn’t need to result to outsourcing your production and handpainting to kindergartners. Cause this shit is ROUGH let me tell you. Let’s take a closer look shall we?
Now while I totally appreciate the inclusion of the infamous “slutty tank top” (which if I’m not mistaken is actually from New Moon but whatever this thing is so janky, I’ll take any positives at this point) the rest of this is a total FAIL. It’s a good thing Edward is holding her (light blue, frost bitten from Edward?) hand because the other is missing about half of the thumb. Then we get up to her insane hairline… which YES was essentially a fivehead instead of a forehead because of the wig but her skin did not extend up INTO her hair… nor does her neck skin attach to her hair. Just look and poor SIMPLE looking Edward and Jacob back there… I can’t… BUT WE MUST!
All things considered Jacob isn’t THAT bad… as long as you aren’t concerned that an angry 7 year old with a bicep tatt and a rage problem from his steroid use (he is a 6 feet + tall 7 yr old after all) is hanging out with an older girl in a slutty tank and a slow looking dude who probs has a huffing problem.
then we get to Edward… poor Edward who definitely got the short end of this stick
It’s a good thing hunchback Edward’s bleeding out of the ear that’s missing a chunk otherwise he’d hear us talking about how crazy he looks. If Edward had a molten hot body instead of ice cold I could understand why his v neck is sticking to his neck and why his denim jacket is starting to drip into his hand. BUUUT since he’s an ice cold vampire I have NO clue why this happened, other than the kindergartner’s hands got tired.
Edward Cullen… the saddest boy/ornament in the world… Merry Christmas from half his right eyelid…
A Hallmark Ornament snob,
Did you get any Twilight related gifts this year?? I also got the BD calendar which I will happily hang in a place of honor in the closet where I can close the door… this feels like the start of a twi-losophy… hmmmm
Oh and head over to LTR where we break down our thoughts about Rob and Bel Ami