What Twilight crap I got for Christmas (aka the one where I rant about a Hallmark ornament)

One of these things is NOT like the other

Dear Hallmark Ornaments creators,

This shit is GHETTO.

Are you for realzzzz with this years ornament? Cause uh, NO.

As a connoisseur and collector of fine Hallmark ornaments (a tradition passed down to me from the lovely Mama Moon) I knew from one look that this year’s Twilight Hallmark Ornament was NOT up to par. I mean we have an entire tree dedicated to Hallmark ornaments that have been collected for us over the past 3 decades by my mom, we even have another mini tree dedicated just to the Barbie ornaments that didn’t fit on the other tree. So trust me when I say THIS is NOT a Hallmark ornament.

Let’s compare shall we??? Cause oh yes, I have last year’s Twilight ornament as well cause homie don’t play.

The 2010 Twilight Ornament

Yes, right there next to the slutty 60s Barbie we see these two… I mean look at this thing… the quality, the craftsmanship… the fully formed fingers. Bella’s in a jacket and one of her headbands. Edward’s eyes are even gold! Slam dunk for the creators and production team on this one.

Cue 2011’s Twilight Ornament – “Eclipse”

MY EYES!!!! I know the economy is rough Hallmark but you didn’t need to result to outsourcing your production and handpainting to kindergartners. Cause this shit is ROUGH let me tell you. Let’s take a closer look shall we?

ENHANCE!

Now while I totally appreciate the inclusion of the infamous “slutty tank top” (which if I’m not mistaken is actually from New Moon but whatever this thing is so janky, I’ll take any positives at this point) the rest of this is a total FAIL. It’s a good thing Edward is holding her (light blue, frost bitten from Edward?) hand because the other is missing about half of the thumb. Then we get up to her insane hairline… which YES was essentially a fivehead instead of a forehead because of the wig but her skin did not extend up INTO her hair… nor does her neck skin attach to her hair. Just look and poor SIMPLE looking Edward and Jacob back there… I can’t… BUT WE MUST!

ENHANCE!

All things considered Jacob isn’t THAT bad… as long as you aren’t concerned that an angry 7 year old with a bicep tatt and a rage problem from his steroid use (he is a 6 feet + tall 7 yr old after all) is hanging out with an older girl in a slutty tank and a slow looking dude who probs has a huffing problem.

then we get to Edward… poor Edward who definitely got the short end of this stick

ENHANCE!

 It’s a good thing hunchback Edward’s bleeding out of the ear that’s missing a chunk otherwise he’d hear us talking about how crazy he looks. If Edward had a molten hot body instead of ice cold I could understand why his v neck is sticking to his neck and why his denim jacket is starting to drip into his hand. BUUUT since he’s an ice cold vampire I have NO clue why this happened, other than the kindergartner’s hands got tired.
.

Edward Cullen… the saddest boy/ornament in the world… Merry Christmas from half his right eyelid…

A Hallmark Ornament snob,
Themoonisdown

Did you get any Twilight related gifts this year?? I also got the BD calendar which I will happily hang in a place of honor in the closet where I can close the door… this feels like the start of a twi-losophy… hmmmm

Oh and head over to LTR where we break down our thoughts about Rob and Bel Ami

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  • Cherry

    Finally! Someone else who thinks that ornament looks as shitty as I do!! Everyone I’ve commented to has said “Oh, it doesn’t look that bad”. Um, yes, it does!  My first thoughts when I saw it were “why does Bella look like she is in the beginning stages of turning into Aquaman”  She looks like she has gills! The other ornament was definitely much better.  Also, did you notice that the picture on the box looks much better than what is actually inside?

  • Anonymous

    Wait. That’s Jacob?? I totally thought it was Lou Ferrigno. Cause if it was ol’ Lou then SPOT ON Hallmark! 

    • Cherry

      LMAO!! Now that you say that…Jacob really DOES look like Lou Ferrigno!!!

  • Sue G.

    I also collect Hallmark ornaments…I also have a special Barbie and doll tree…and I also have a small 3 foot tree for the Miniature ornaments.

    I too also bought both Twilight ornaments and I totally agree with you.  I also think they made Bella look too fat.  Her butt and thighs grew!

    Let’s hope if they make another next year they get it right! 

  • Anonymous

    Those are terrible. I saw one in Target that was just the calendar/poster image. Also, as we know, terrible.

    I got a pocket Edward (OG Twilight Edward, too!) and Goblet of Fire on DVD. Merry Rob-mas to me!

    • TeamSeth

      Olive Garden Twilight Edward?!

      • Anonymous

        Yep. Pea Coat Edward. *growl*

  • Anonymous

    Omg Moon! I’m laughing so hard! That new ornament is really awful. That other one of Bella and Edward is actually write nice liking, like one if those ornaments there are of couples to commemorate being together or with a baby to signify a new addition. But the new one… Didn’t someone at quality check speak up and say, “Dude, are we really going to send this out with our name on it?” Or maybe the quality control guy have a wife and a couple daughters obsessed with Twilight and as payback for putting up with their gushing over the hot, sparkly vampire and the hot, shirtless werewolf, he let it go out looking like shit because he knew it would piss them off.

    The closest thing I got to any Twilight gift this year was my kidlets gave me the complete 8 movie set of Harry Potter and Santa brought me Water for Elephants.

    Seeing the fantastic quality of the ornaments this year, I have to say I’m not sad I missed out on it.

  • 40Sumthin

    Well, yes, I got the ornament too…seeing as it’s the only 1 I have, I’m loving it.  Sure wish I could get my hands on last year’s ornament though, that one looks so much better!  Anyway, it was a Merry Twi/Robmas & Twi/Robnukah for me…BD calendar, BD companion book, Edward doll (hee, hee, hee), Remember Me DVD…so much fun to look forward to in 2012!!!  Happy New Year everyone!

  • Anonymous

    I really wanted a Twi ornament this year… one look at this thing and I headed to e-bay for last year’s ornament.
    My husband unintentionally played Buttcrack Santa for me!  My stocking included both a sippy cup (sadly not red) and a package of HobNobs.  I started giggling so much.  I explained the cup, but not the cookies.  Totally made my morning.

  • MariaCecilia

    So now I know: I will be making my own Twilight Christmas ornaments next year, just as I will be taking out the crayons to make my own BD calendar of 2012. Twilight just spurs my creativity to new heights!!!

  • Bubs

    I did Twi-well for “Jacobmas”.
    My youngest daughter who doesn’t “get” the books but will watch the Movies [where did I go wrong ????] went on line ['cause trying to buy Twi products in Australia is just about impossible] and bought me….
     
    A bright red Team Jacob bag [I already have a black one plus a New Moon one].

     2 Team Jacob biros [that have "ages 14 and up" written on the package. ???].

     The “Twi. Scene It ?” DVD Board Game. 

    Plus the BD Calendar [the Calendar only arrived here from the U.S. yesterday 28th Dec.],she didn’t know we could buy them here-I chose not to purchase it myself for obvious reasons- every picture of Bella/Ed and Jacob are downright weird and what’s with Carlisle’s face ???? She went to so much trouble and was so upset that it hadn’t arrived by Christmas…naturally I didn’t have the heart to tell her what fans think about it.

    I’m sort of glad she didn’t order anything from Hallmark !!!

  • Aleishacd

    This was the funniest thing!! Also, Bella looks like she has dreadlocks and is packing some “heat” in those jeans. Dear God, so hilarious. I was literally holding in my pee b/c I was laughing so hard.

  • Sagalvr

    “Merry Christmas from half his right eyelid” <–YES. Cannot type. Laughing too hard.

  • 17 4awhile

    Hahahahaha! I saw that ornament and was going to buy it, but I just couldn’t because it is so ugly! Thanks for breaking it down. And that totally is the New Moon tank.

  • Anonymous

    I want these now. These would make me happy every time I looked at them.

  • http://twitter.com/minderelly9 Mindy Johnson

    I’m not sure how I missed this post, but I just laughed my face off. That thing is horrific. Way to phone it in Hallmark. 

  • Rebeccastokes1

    I went to Hallmark twice to buy the new ornament….I thought maybe I looked at it wrong the first time….I mean it couldn’t have been THAT bad. Nope…this thing is unbuyable. I hardly looked at Bella or Jacob…Edward’s head is so large, deformed, strangely positioned…eyes so oversized and googly and chin so prominent….I think his head is supposed to double as a bottle opener. Not only could I not justify spending the cash, I just couldn’t provide a good home to the sad pathetic misshapen head of Hallmark Edward..It takes a special kind of person to let something like this into their life…..(2010 wasn’t that great either…we just think so b/c we compare it to the newer one).

  • Terri

    OMG! I googled Twilight christmas ornaments for a gift exchange I signed up for and this came up in google I seriously laughed sooo hard I cried and did that thing where you stop making noise, this was hilarious and sad.

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