Twilight: Life Ruiner. Life Enhancer.

You'll never say spaghetti again

MarbleNutSlut saves LTT from another bare* Friday with some things that Twilight has ruined. And enhanced.

Dear Twilight,

I love you. No, seriously, I do. You make my life better, or at least more absurd, and that’s kind of the same thing.

With you in my life, I don’t need to make spaghetti. I can make “Italiano!” When the kids make a mess, I get to break out my best Esme Cullen voice: “Clean up this mess! *snap* Now.” And then turn away and giggle. (thanks, Esme!)

With you, when the Boring Relatives drag us to Olive Garden, I can tune out the awful food and 40 different renditions of waiters singing “Happy Birthday” by constantly scanning for Big Daddy.

Even putting on lip gloss is more fun, because Tarte makes a shade called Twilight.

What would Edward wear? (Actually probably not this since it's not sleeveless or beige)

I just bought Mr. Slut a Land’s End shirt because it was Twilight Purple.

What other cultural phenomena lets you giggle at menswear? Hunger Games? The Beatles? I don’t think so.

With you, dear Twilight, headboards are funny. Feathers are funny. BEARS are Funny.  Pathetic liquor store holiday displays of tiny plastic bottles of Jim Beam in a stocking. Hot Pockets. Meat Patties. Seat Belts (“You should put on YOUR seat belt!”).

So, Twilight, with all sincerity, thank you. Look after my heart—I’ve left it with you. Except you are with me all the time, so, you know. It works out.

Love and kisses on marble smooth lips,

MarbleNutSlut

Aww thanks MarbleNutSlut! I miss these Twilight things that haunt us everywhere– let’s see what can I add. Well, apples… Stephenie & her illustrator have ruined life for all apple lovers for forever. Not to mention life for teachers. You can’t teach youngsters when they give you an apple as a gift and all you can think of is that cafeteria scene in Twilight with Robward, his dark lipstain & the apple. You just can’t.

Oh, Leg-hitches– forget it… The other night in bed I hitched my leg around Mr. Choice’s & just lost it in giggles. And I couldn’t even tell him why. Because we all know that bringing up Twilight in bed is a big no-no. After this long I’m lucky if I can bring it up out of bed!

*BEARS. See how in my intro I said today would have been another bare Friday without MarbleNutSlut? WELL, originally I wrote “bear” instead of bare. And I’m pretty great at grammar. But… I’m just so used to writing about bears here on LTT (we really did do it ALL the time.) that I almost made that mistake. Thanks, Twilight, for taking over the bears in my life! xo, UC

Okay what do YOU have to add? Share in the comments!

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  • Sue G.

    I haven’t bought anything like that but my brother-in-law just bought a new Chevy Equinox.  My sister insisted if they bought that car it had to be in Twilight Blue Metallic!

    • TeamSeth

       This makes me really happy.

    • MariaCecilia

      I want the Twilight blue metallic lipstick!!!!

    • TeamJacobEdward

      And of course it’s only appropriate that every time you see its name emblazoned on the back the song: “Meet me on the equinox” pops into your head…

  • http://twitter.com/KatieShh Katie

    Like the time my gf an I went for the radio dial at the same time (while listening to the Breaking Dawn soundtrack, obviously), touched fingers, fell silent, and then said, “Wow.  Your hands are… so cold…”  Then we laughed like hyenas the rest of the way home.  Thank you for the laughs, Twilight.  And LTT. ;)

  • BrookeLockart

    Ugh, this subject again. TWilight? pff. Bring back the heavy.
    :-)

    I kid, I kid.

    • Sisterpenguin

      You’re such a tease ;)

      • BrookeLockart

        Well, you know.

  • celestialchic

    Everytime my husband tells me to be careful, I HAVE to reply “Always am. . . ”  and then I giggle and get looked at funny. And everything purple is cool of course.

    • MariaCecilia

      Hey, I wish Twilight had come out when I was a kid and still living at home, because my mom and dad said “Love you, be careful” EVERY TIME I left the house. Plenty of times to giggle and say “Always am” then..

  • The Old Oe

    Back to the Hunger Games post the other day–they will never have THIS.  The funny.  Twilight wins.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      The old oe?

      Did I miss something in my sporadic showings on LTT as of late? what happened to the “n” dear “old one” who is not older than me (if I remember correctly)?

      Was it bears? No? It was NOT BEARS!? Did it run off to the Volturi??

      • MariaCecilia

        O ye, O ye, O ye! The court is now in session for the case of the missing syllable of The Old One’s name! (Maybe it’s something like verbal leprosy that caused it? Who would have thunk it?)

  • Sisterpenguin

    I love Twilight. It has definitely enhanced my life with the weird:

    Without Twilight there’s no LTT.
    No LTT no Twittering with the gels.
    No laughing everytime I drive past the Alpaca farm.
    No getting creeped out in circular meadows in the pine forest. 
    No wistful bunches of red and white tulips.
    No fanfic to bring on outrage.
    No Breaking Dawn slumber party tomorrow night.
    It just sneaks in to the everyday. Yay!

    • MariaCecilia

      I get creeped out in circular meadows in the forest all the time…because of the ALIENS!

    • TeamJacobEdward

      BD slumber party? Have fun! and be careful. ;)
      (seriously, I can’t hear or see that without hearing Charlie’s voice reply, “always am”)

      • Sisterpenguin

        We had fun and we were careful – maybe not that careful with the vodka and cranberry…

        Have just put the gels to bed after educating them in the ways of LTT. They now cannot look at the wolves without hearing Optimus Prime, look at Alpaca Taylor without thinking he was abducted and now call RPatz Ron. They were already pervy about Billy Burke (that’s why they’re friends).

        My work here is done hee hee hee, hic°

        • MariaCecilia

          …and maybe, just maybe, you should put those girls up for adoption? There’s a whole non-Twilight fandom waiting to educate them too, you know?

          • Sisterpenguin

            I’d put them up for adoption but I have a vague suspicion their husbands and children might protest. It was one of THOSE slumber parties. With vodka

            “If you haven’t grown up by the time you’re middle aged you don’t have to.” :P

  • Kaybvee

    Bella to Charlie in the hospital about Renee, ” I bet she’s ffffreaking out.” I say this every chance I get, and at BD1 it was a mantra with friends while waiting in line to get on the black carpet…

    Oh, and speaking of carpet, people asked of the Hunger Games people why the carpet was black like Twilight and they claimed it wasn’t black it was charcoal. Really?

  • Dovefamily1

    I ALWAYS want to use the seatbelt thing, because I freaking love Robward so much in that moment. 

    • MariaCecilia

      Pray tell, are there any moments you can pinpoint when you DON’T love Robward?

  • Venom

    The other day someone told me, “be safe.” and I laughed inside and thought of a cool font I saw somewhere.

  • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

    A letter from MNS, how exciting! Thanks Twilight for making me giggle when the two men on either side of me in the theater put their hands palm-up on the hand rests. Wait, why are they doing that?! That’s not funny.

    • MarbleNutSlut

       No, that’s hilarious. And also you are hot. And then one of them pukes and one of them gets REALLY hot, and HULKRAGE and they all speed off. Then *you* get sick too, and you call the hot one and say, Don’t Worry we all got sick but no because WEREWOLF.

      • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

        Now there’s another fanfic for Marble to not write.

    • MariaCecilia

      Oh, you want it, you know it. It’s not KStewBoy – it’s JazzBoy! *sniggering* Don’t worry, though: if you’re really hot, I’ll share Edward…

      • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

        JazzBoy?! Me no likee. But as an odd coincidence I do like jazz.

        • MariaCecilia

          OK so I guess you didn’t read the slash fan fic then? *sad face*

          • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

            Maria I’m afraid that went WAY over my head. So I have to admit it’s a no to the slash fanfic. I couldn’t figure my way around that site. I need like direct links or something. I’m not good at the internet.

          • MariaCecilia

            I’m too shy to answer this one. Help, please?

          • MarbleNutSlut

             heh, well, I would…but I would like KStewBoy to still talk to me. *grins*

            p.s. Jasper/Edward FOREVER.

          • MariaCecilia

            What!? He TALKS to you?? Now I’m jealous..

          • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

            You guys!! *pout*

          • MarbleNutSlut

             well, you know. On here. If only…..

  • TeamSeth

    Every time you should put your seatbelt on comes up (which is often because MrSeth never remembers to wear his seatbelt and I won’t drive anywhere w/out everyone having seatbelts on), I want to say, “Tyler Crowley is telling everyone we’re going to prom together, but we’re NOT.”  But now that makes me think of Cousin Matthew because Crawley and Crowley are essentially the same thing. :-|

    • MariaCecilia

      Nooo, cousin Matthew is adorable: Tyler Crowley is just weird!

    • TeamJacobEdward

      I would love you if you actually said that to mr seth. #thatwouldbeawesome

    • ladyofthemeadow

      Would Mr Seth get it it if you said with Edward intonation, “You put YOUR seat belt on”? I know Mr Meadow would need the explanation, and then just look at me rather indulgently.

      But that’s the nice thing about spouses. They know we’re weird and will still love us even if we have weird explanations for our weird sayings. And with repetition, they’ll eventually get it too.

      • MarbleNutSlut

         It helps if your spouse is a giant nerd about other things, too. “MMMmm, yes, tell me more about Java scripts. I am just going to go to my happy place…with Edward.”

  • TeamSeth

    Also, apples. This isn’t the case for me. I don’t associate apples or chess or tulips or ripped apart red ribbon with Twilight. I mean, not on first glance, at least. My grocery store trips are not plagued by “APPLES TWILIGHT GAH!” and Kimbra is the NZ singer to me, not the hand model.

    Am I failing at Twilight?  Maybe it’s because I don’t own the books?

    • MarbleNutSlut

       I AM SORRY WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY???

      • Sisterpenguin

        Yeah, what she yelled!

    • Venom

      I’m sure there is a perfectly normal reason for this! You’re conserving paper, right?!

      • MarbleNutSlut

         INSUFFICIENT.

        • Venom

          Haha:) Well I only own the 1st soundtrack if that makes anyone feel better.

      • TeamJacobEdward

        Sooo… Does that make me a tree killer? I have 2 sets.

        • Venom

          No. You’re not wasting finite resources here. Because It’s important to have a reliable backup.

    • MariaCecilia

      What you mean to say is; the books own you?

    • Bubs

      Seriously !!!! ????? You don’t own the books ? However I presume you’ve read them [maybe not a Zillion times like I have ]-at least once !

      Have to agree, Kimbra is a singer to me too..such a beautiful voice.

    • TeamSeth

      Sorry, late to my tar and feathering here… What I meant to not say [because it's illegal] is that I have access to the portable document format of the books.

      What? They blend better with my copy of Midnight Sun this way!

      • MariaCecilia

        I’m working on that, but in reverse: I am copying Midnight Sun by hand into my Twilight-themed notebook, so that when it’s done, it will take its rightful place on the shelf with its sisters. (Still waiting for the second half though, Stephenie. Hint, hint.)

      • TeamJacobEdward

        Hahaha

      • ladyofthemeadow

        I expected you to give this explanation for not owning paper. Spooky, eh?

    • Late Convert

      It’s ok, I only have the Kindle versions. I did by a hard copy of Twilight once, but then I was forced to do my civic duty and give it away to a poor unfortunate soul who had never read the books.

      • Late Convert

        “buy”

        Sighhh…that’s what happens when someone comes in the room and I don’t want them to know I’m on LTT when I’m supposed to be working…

        • TeamJacobEdward

          Hahaha

          I know the feeling well. (and that goes for situations other than just working too)

        • MariaCecilia

          …which is why I try to keep my posting to home conditions when everyone else is sleeping, watching action flicks or drinking tea/whiskey…

          • Venom

            I love man caves for this reason alone.

      • Sisterpenguin

        What a good and generous soul. I’m still grumpy Twilight isn’t on the World Book Night list. Mutter mutter. Still, I’m giving away Let The Right One In

        • MariaCecilia

          And I’m buying! Don’t like vampires in general or blood, but Let the Right One In was just plain awesome!

    • TeamJacobEdward

      I… I feel like I just don’t know you at all! I thought I KNEW YOU TS!

      *runs off to cry*

  • The Plane Friend

    As UC said, bringing up Twilight in bed is a big no-no. 

    Mr. Plane Friend once turned on our electric fire place, put down the cushion from our papazan chair, and covered it with this fuzzy brown blanket we have…intending to be romantic, not make me burst out in giggles bc all I could think about were the LTT jokes about Robsten and the bearskin rug in front of the fire! He was not amused when I explained what was so funny….

    • Late Convert

      I think it’s a timing thing. If you bring Twilight up “after”, then there’s the potential for positive association. If you time it right then eventually maybe your partner will develop a deep sense of Twilight gratitude ;)

      • MarbleNutSlut

        Heh. Yeah, I can’t really relate. Mr. Slut has a very deep sense of Twilight gratitude. :)

        • MariaCecilia

          And well he should!!

          • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

            Heck ya!!

          • MarbleNutSlut

             ::tent scene….leg hitch….FLINGS BOOK AND POUNCES::

          • MariaCecilia

            oh, the visual…*fanning face*

    • TeamJacobEdward

      Too true.  Only if I wanted a total mood killer would I actually bring it up there.  That’s not to say it hasn’t come to mind where something (like leghitch) comes to mind, it just doesn’t get said. Out loud.

  • stupidshiny

    At work I often have to open those little packets of cereal for my old arthritic patients and they always say “how did you do that”? and I ALWAYS say “Years and years of practice” and then  I smile for the next 10 mins and that’s cool…

    • MariaCecilia

      Try those little bottles next and have some happy slurs of “ooo, dear, where did you get THOSE?”

  • MariaCecilia

    When I came home from work today, my husband had made us dinner, bought me flowers, and opened a bottle of French bubbly - and he didn’t even know I had collected my DVD copy of Breaking Dawn part 1 from the post office, it was all for love! What a perfect evening *sighs*. My package even included Bella’s heirloom comb from the wedding, so now I know what to wear when we celebrate our wedding anniversary.. (kidding!)
    Got to get back to hubby for some cuddling now; have a good weekend!

    PS. Apples do make me think of Twilight, so I can never buy a Mac now. Too distracting. Just saying.

  • Dameironfury

    I love normal people…

    I just got a new phone and after telling my kids they couldn’t just install random games on it because it was MY phone, my daughter asked, “is that because its your shiny new toy?”

    After I finished geeking out inside my own head, I told her she still couldn’t install games even after making an awesome Twilight reference. I’m tough that way.

  • Special diet

    When I heard Peter Fachinelli was getting divorced I immediately thought ” but the vampire divorce rate is much better”. My life is ruled by quotes that only I appreciate . Sad!

    • GoWithIt

      A very normal and logical first though.

    • Bubs

      Peter F’s getting divorced !!! That’s news to me. If it’s true it reminds me of that old saying….”a man never leaves home-until he’s feathered his nest somewhere else”. Like I said, an old saying but with 3 little girls at home I hope the rumours are wrong.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      Not sad dear, Normal. completely Normal.

    • MariaCecilia

      I feel divided: “Peter Facinelli getting divorced: *sad face*.” “Peter Facinelli getting divorced??” *hopeful face*

  • JellyBeanRainbow

    I was on two long haul flights this week and there were many oscar nominated/related movies available, but I just HAD to watch Abduction first. All the time I was thinking about the Moon’s version: Jacob crying in front of Cullen house and wondering: “I was abducted?”
    (then I watched In Time,  BD1 but only until Bella discovered she’s pregnant, New Years Day and finally the Artist – just in case you wanted to know)

    • MariaCecilia

      This reminds me of another sign that Twilight made me weird: I ended up sitting next to Michael Nyqvist in the theater last month (Male lead in the original “Girl with the dragon tattoo” and quite a celebrity here.) – and all I could think about was “Should I ask him what his impressions were of Taylor Lautner when they worked together in Abduction?”
      Maybe I’m still slightly “normal”, because I chickened out and kept my mouth shut about it. *sigh*

      • Sj_nuiph

        What! You just ‘happened’ to sit next to Michael N?! Did you at least ask him if he wanted to share your popcorn, cause you know, he likes it, and then you could have brought up baseball. *sigh*

        • MariaCecilia

          Eh, we were in an actual theater, like in watching “Angels in America” on the stage. No popcorn involved. And we don’t do baseball: it’s all soccer and hockey over here!

  • Lysinak

    Volvos for sure, the summit logo (its weird seeing it in front of other movies), Rob (Edward first and forever), jorts, but its like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon… start with anything and 6 degrees later you’ve made it to a twilight inside joke. Come on you know you want to play!

    • Bubs

      Yeah, Volvos do it for me too. Plus purple bed linen….it’s rather rare in Australia, so when I see it…..yep, “purple’s cool”.

    • MariaCecilia

      Yeah, tell me about it: when we were driving through Arizona, I kept humming the intro song from the Twilight movie and pointing out which mountains looked like the Summit logo! (We didn’t rent a Volvo by the way – they didn’t have one.)

      • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

        I have to admit that Mrs.KSB is tired of me pointing out Edwards car every time we (I) spot one on the road.

        • MarbleNutSlut

           Never stop, KSB. Never, ever stop.

        • TeamJacobEdward

          It’s involuntary!

          Every time I see a Volvo (which I can point out a mile away) I say: “Volvo!” In an octave higher than normal. Though, I’ve made myself say it in my head when anyone other than my RL Twi friend is with me.

          Simply spotting a Volvo makes me smile.. It’s the little things.

          • MariaCecilia

            Can we use you in  commercials? I hear the Swedish economy might be facing a slump, and we really need to raise sales, right?

          • TeamJacobEdward

            Most definitely.  It would be like that VW commercial where everyone is “slug bugging” everyone, except:  “Volvo!”  huge grin.  “Volvo!” huge grin…

        • MariaCecilia

          Remind her, Swedish cars are really safe. As in vampire safe! ;-)

          • Venom

            Plus they run forever. (win-win for immortals and fragile humans)

        • stupidshiny

          If I win the lottery I am soooo buying a black Volvo XC60…

          • MarbleNutSlut

             oh hells yes.

          • TeamJacobEdward

            No freaking kidding.  I saw an add for new volvos not too long ago, and the tagline was something to do with the “naughty” side of Volvo (not an exact quote mind you).  I was like, you had me at naughty.

        • Papercut

          Too funny! I do that too…but even the different models like the C30 from Twilight versus the XC60 in New Moon and Eclipse versus the S60 from BD1….okay, so I’m either a complete Twilight geek or a car geek….take your pick!! Guilty as charged

          • http://letterstokristen.wordpress.com/ KStewBoy

            I vote Car Geek.
            That’s because there’s no such thing as a Twilight Geek. *big smile*

        • ladyofthemeadow

          Someone in my neighbourhood has Edward’s silver Volvo. My dd has been trained to look for it, say “Edward’s home!” when it’s in the driveway, and then giggle.

          WHO TAUGHT HER THAT?! (I look away guiltily)

          • Venom

            That is adorable!

  • Late Convert

    There’s nothing better than throwing ‘because my Kung Fu is strong’ into conversation. Except around my daughter because she just rolls her eyes and sighs. When she does that though I am forced to add “It’s ok, because I’m down with the kids” just to really push her over the edge. Sadly though, her comeback is usually to hum Flightless Bird, because she knows it will get stuck in my head and I’ll nearly go insane because I only know one line…

    Sometimes I wonder whether it would be better if I lived in a household where no one else had read Twilight…

    • The Old One

      I do live in a household where no one else has read Twilight, so I happily make these little Twi jokes all the time and no one is the wiser.

      • The Old One

        Oy!  I fixed my name but it came back.  Jeez.

        • TeamJacobEdward

          YEY!  the “n” is back!  :D

      • MariaCecilia

        That’s why we all love you and come here to relish the jokes together!

        • The Old One

          You all make my life complete.

      • TeamJacobEdward

        Same here.  Kidlets are too little and husband refuses to read the books or watch the movies.  It’s actually kind of nice that way.  Like my own little private joke.

    • Rob’s Zombie

      I just used the “Kung-Fu ” quote the other night!;) I also play 6 degrees of Rob all the time. My daughter has outgrown twilight , but I’m here to stay!!!

  • TeamSeth

    Has anyone heard from TeamNoOne recently?

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