Dear Breaking Dawn Part 2,
We heard this announcement from Bill Condon last week:
A film is a lot like a puzzle, with each piece – each shot, no matter how brief – needing to fit exactly with the ones around it. Our Part Two puzzle is finally coming into full view, and in a few weeks we’ll be heading back north to pick up some additional shots – the last tiny missing pieces.
Despite the fact that Bill addressed us like a Daddy addressing his little worried children to ease our fears that our perfect ending to our favorite story might possibly not be the perfect after all, you have to remember we can always read through the lines of any announcement right? And while Bill might just refer to it as a “missing puzzle piece,” we know better. We know you’re missing something pretty huge for this final film. But let me remind you that we like Twilight, the original film. Buttcrack Santa, his little bottles, horrible wigs & all. So really? Breaking Dawn Part 1 was the best movie yet. And we actually liked Twilight, so you’re gonna be fineeeeeee. I mean.. as long as you fix one of the following reasons you might possibly be holding reshoots:
- Someone thought it would be funny to switch everyone’s real scripts out with re-written scripts where the movie ends, not with a face off of the good vamps vs. Volturi with the good vamps protected by Bella’s magnetic shield, but with a epic battle occurring between good and evil, where each side suffers a tragedy. Jasper doesn’t make it. Neither does Esme or Seth the wolf. It wasn’t until Stephenie saw the first cut that someone realized a BIG, expensive practical joke was played.
- Stephenie, after spending the summer in England, feels about Downton Abbey even more strongly than we do (she visited the set 3 times) and insisted Bill somehow integrate Dan Stevens (Matthew Crowley) into the movie. Stephenie– I hear ya but feel it’s only appropriate you also write me into a role playing opposite Dan. I need to movie make-out with him pronto.
- Breathing a sigh of relief after achieving their main objective in Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Make Edward & Bella sex scene look nothing like a Robsten sex scene), the team forgot to write in a single sex scene for Breaking Dawn Part 2. Worried about a threat against Bill Condon’s life, a secret service detail has been assigned to him until the issue is remedied (it’s really not that big of a deal– it’s just those secret service agents who got the prostitutes in Columbia the other week. Not surprising to anyone both Peter Fach AND Jackson Rathbone have been bugging Bill for an invite to the secret service detail’s “Welcome Back to Vancouver” party.)
- All of Charlie’s scenes need to be reshot because Billy Burke acted like seeing his newborn granddaughter aging by years in a matter of days was as shocking as learning that Bella & Jake stole a few of his Vitamin R’s to enjoy down at La Push beach when they were in high school. And let’s be honest, that has to bother the world’s
worstbest cop a little bit more than finding out your uber-responsible daughter occasionally likes to let loose.
Much to everyone’s surprise, it is discovered that buried in Rob & Kristen’s contracts was a clause saying that in the final scene of Breaking Dawn when Bella let’s Edward into her mind, Robsten will officially “come out.” Screw the idea of making the announcement by kissing for real on the MTV movie awards after winning “Best Kiss.” An Edward & Bella montage of all their love scenes from all the movies, superimposed over a bearskin rug is the only way Rob & Kristen wil have it.
- Since Taylor is a bigshot & is being abducted in movies now, he’s slacked off on eating meat patties in baggies & has been visiting the Olive Garden more & more. His 8 pack has shrunk to a 6 pack & that’s just not acceptable. In fact, the costume maker had to bring in the waist of Jake’s jorts a little bit because he’s lost muscle!! After convincing him with the threat of Taylor Swift writing another song about him, Taylor finally agreed to fill more baggies with
roidsmeat and start bulking up again for the reshoots.
What do you think? Was Bill Condon’s announcement necessary? And did it make it seem like there’s something bigger going on other than just normal reshoots? I mean… was it necessary? Do you think I’d make a good vampire opposite Matthew Crawley?